Queenie - It makes me so sad that you are going through all of this hurt. You are a G-dly woman, and deserve much better. And that will come. I promise you.

I was asking about depression because I've struggled with it throughout the years, even before the affair. I took anti-D's the first time I was depressed and they really worked.

After D-day, I took them for 6 months, and then tapered off. But they really help if you need them.

L2F,

NO it's NOT sunny and in fact is raining. I'm really sick of the rain. I'm sick of the cold and I really think that is part of the problem.

I have really given this some thought as I cleaned my bedroom, dug out the information that I need for the taxes, watched soap operas and silly me the movie the Lakefront.

Since Jul 06 my favorite uncle and the last of my family died after being mad at me for so many years, in Sep my daughter graduated culinary school, Nov, my MS was arrested for stealing, his grades started sliding and in Jan 07 I asked WH to speak with him. MS ran away that night and was gone for almost a week. He was busted one more time for stealing and revealed to us that night he was experimenting with drugs and alcohol. In Feb my DD created some financial and personal sitch's where she needed to make a choice and live by our rules or move out. Not only did she choose to move out, but she chose to push me down, blow out my knee and escape with her car. Ultimately I was convinced to get a restraining order against her. I thought I lost my baby girl forever that day and it deeply effected me.

For over a year, my WH had withheld my most important EN, saying I wasn't safe and he couldn't trust me. It drove me nuts and a piece of me died each day. I weighted 327, hated life, was angry all the time and couldn't understand what was happening to my marriage. So to survive, I got involved in more volunteer work. My WH was creating so much chaos in our life financially, and emotionally that it kept me distracted and in a state of absolute craziness (my own dry drunk)

In May 07, D-day, my WH literally walked out on us, and hasn't for the most part looked back. Since that time, I figured out how to get the two lawsuits off our backs, made a deal with my house, although its in foreclosure now (I am working on that), I pretty much packed up my 3000 sq ft house and moved without ONE DROP of help from WH, and now live in an apt. For which my boys were angry and took it out on me, the closest thing.

I want to put a disclaimer out, I don't wany anyone to feel sorry for me or I am looking for that. I'm just in a way, giving myself a break. It's been a long 2 years and some days are just that - overwhelming from all that has happened.

After D-day, I literally took on all the blame for the destruction of the M, because I realized that I was living in a dry drunk and I did so much to hurt my M. I was inconsolable after reading on here and the books how my actions helped cause the state of the marriage and I felt guilty, horrible, etc.

I had to some extent come to terms with the type of man I was married to, that I in some ways lived in a borderline abusive relationship, but the jury is still out on that, I have lost 87 lbs, went back to AA, began working the steps, getting a sponsor, attending meetings regularly, began IC and MC, albeit alone :), I began exercising, learning how to not just take care of myself, but learned how to like me and continue everyday how to be good to myself, I addressed every addiction I possibly could have from money, sex, to food.

I always had my H to help me parent and for a year now, I have done that by myself, not having a break from them once, accept for one night when the were out late without me. I no longer have a partner who shared in any household responsibilities like grocery shopping, planning meals, you know that stupid stuff I took for granted. I have gotten to walk through the pain with my children and learn that I can't fix this for them or take their pain, just support them as G-d needs me to.

I have listened to all of you to the best of my ability and Plan A'd and B'd as absolutely best as I could, doing things when they absolutely terrified me and I didn't want to. I have learned to let go and let G-d have this sitch - some days better than others.

And now I'm scared to death because I'm worried that I don't have a lawyer who really will go after WH, and my money is running out.

As Mimi and so many others remind me, the man I know is DEAD and who knows if he will EVER come back. He spews his poison and anger out on me by making life more difficult and I am learning how to dig deeper inside and take care of myself for which is not very comfortable.

So let's get to just today, my senior played in his last game yesterday, he graduates in a month from today, and I am just one sentimental person. But tomorrow is Mother's Day and I HATE this day beyond words can describe.

If it weren't for my relationship with G-d, I would not have the desire to go on, but I promised Mimi that I wouldn't do anything and I keep to my word.

So, yes L2F, I was living a life that was unhappy, angry and destructive. I have learned so much about myself, how much I loved my H, etc and for that I am grateful. I could not ONCE ask G-d why me? Because I know why and it's in Psalm 23.

So, for today.... SL and Chai are right, it is just ONE OF THOSE DAYS and I will bounce back like I do and keep fighting and walking in FAITH. But I sure wish I could stop feeling for awhile.

(((((((((((((Oueenie))))))))))))))))))

Hugs going to you from California.

I PROMISE YOU, I am.

I'm just overwhelmed today.

Before this, I really was a pretty much happy go lucky person, who spent too much money, lived in too much anger and tried to control too many things.

Other than that I loved my life. I wanted my H to be different, more passionate, etc. And that frustrated me.

But the single piece through all this was I had NO relationship with G-d and because of that, my spirit was dying.

I don't think I have depression. I have a low self-esteem, too much self hatred but I work on that part everyday.

Thank SL, intellectually I know that you all are here, but emotionally I always thought my H would be there, and so I'm a little gun shy.

And you ALL know I appreciate the honesty and openness to make me keep going and facing the truth of the sitch. I need you all to care more about my life than my feelings, because in the end, if I start living in a lie now... I won't recover. And like someone says, the best revenge is living a good life.

Mimi, you are so right. Strategies, I really need to figure out some strategies on how to get myself out of this. Almost like a list that I can check off. One of the things I did was start to clean. If it was sunny, I would have gone walking. My sponsor told me to knock off going to the tanning place but twice a week and so I am watching that...

I love you guys. I would walk on fire for all of you if it would take your pain and hurt away. You are so right SL, we are family, bonded together in a way that NO ONE ELSE will ever understand or appreciate. BUT I SURE DO....

{{{{{{{{{{EVERYONE OF YOU}}}}}}}}}}}}

YOU'RE WONDERFUL!! I SOOO ADMIRE YOU!! That's why I call you QUEENIE!!


Isn't this part of your GROWTH, learning how to feel? Back in the day, you medicated yourself to avoid FEELING. Now you're LEARNING TO FEEL, doncha think?

OH YEAH...

But along with the wonderfulness of those feelings is hurt and pain and today I am grateful I am feeling them because when this day is over and I feel better tomorrow or the next day, and I WILL, I KNOW IT, I will have learned more about my strength, my appreciation for all of you on here, and something more about G-d and his love for me. I have no doubt he is preparing something for me. And I keep putting one toe nail in front of the other.

Yes, I am growing and today, well today is huge growth. We just don't know how. Because I didn't escape in anyway. I just have felt things and thought about things and been with G-d and the people who I feel safest with right now. YOU ALL.....

I walked out a few minutes ago and jokingly told my YS I wish it was football, he made a remark about XBOX and football. So, we are going to go eat a nice dinner that I cooked, a new thing about me, and he is going to teach me how to play XBOX and I am going to appreciate the time I have with him.

Mimi,

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS WONDERFUL....

ONE DAY I WILL SEE IN ME WHAT YOU DO, AND THEN WE CAN SHARE THE LOVE TOGETHER, OK?

Queenie,
if my M gets to the stage your is, and I am not at all sure it won't, I hope I have half the fortitude you do

When I was in your position, I had a NUMBER of things that I DELIBERATELY DID to lift my mood...including CLEANING... probably most would call it OBSESSIVELY...but it put me IN THE ZONE..to where time flew by...

What's so weird is that I COMPLETELY STOPPED watching TV cause I found everything on there to be DEPRESSING.

To this day, I don't watch TV much at all anymore.

My H has been gone and I haven't had it on in two whole days..WIERD...

BEAUTIFUL!!

NZ,

Trust me on this. It wasn't ME. It was G-d, people on here walking me through it and me just being desparate and willing enough to do whatever anyone said.

My best thinking got me to this place... I won't make the mistake thinking that it was my anything that got me moving on.



Ok... tonight before I go to bed I am going to make up an emergency list so to speak of what to do when..... that way I won't have to think, but have a list that I can just go to for help and then I won't have to rely on my "thinkin" but will have a plan of action.

My son is looking forward to beating the snot out of me.

As for tv, I used to watch it all the time. I'm like you. I just prefer the quiet or music.

GREAT!! THAT'S PERFECT!! Have fun tonight with your son!!

I did and he had MUCH FUN kicking my patooty.....

My DD is coming over today for a visit and we plan to play dominoes as a family.

I might even get my boys to help me clean the house.

Have a wonderful day everyone

Hey Queenie, Happy day to you!

Something to add to your 'go to' list, if you like.

Whenever I want a quick lift in spirits, I listen to the song "Lovely Day" by Bill Withers. It's a great song! I'm listening to it now, for my Mother's Day mojo, 'cause it's not so lovely outside today, but I'm blessed and want to evoke that. Just a thought.

Lovely Day

Thanks SL,

I can't play it right now, but I will later. My DD and her BF popped in. They were going to his mother's house for dinner, but ended up wanting me to cook. How's that for a mother's day gift.

I was praying for G-d to give me some guidance on where and what do I need to do in life. I really want to just give up, but I could NEVER live with myself. But somehow I need to get some purpose in my life. And lo and behold..

She wants me to contact the JFS in Seattle for volunteer work in addicition/recovery from a Jewish perspective. I have her email and number. I think I might give her a call and see.

I hope you all are having a wonderful day.

Queenie,

I think that is a wonderful idea for you. I think that you are perfect for something like that. Helping others is what you do very well. After all, you have helped me through some tough days!

I know we are going to make it, but I just don't know how yet....

Queenie - While the affair was at it's height, I had the honor and privilege of working with the returning casualties from the battle of Fallujah. It came up suddenly, and all I did was empty bed pans, answer the phone, give them water, and ask if they were comfortable or needed meds.

It was such a blessing to feel so needed. It really changed everything for me.

I know that G-d has something wonderful in store for you. He will speak to other people and show his love through you. He is doing that already.

Hi Queenie,


....a purpose.... a plan.... some FOCUS.... and you are doing sooooo much better!

...and if you HANG ON long enough... it DOES pass!

....and YOU DID IT, QUEENIE!

How are you doing today, Queenie?

{{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}}

I did make it through. It's so hard when the sadness takes hold, but sometimes its best to just let it go where it goes and then just know it will end sooner. It used to be later, but now sooner.

I have DECLARED there are NO MORE WEEKENDS for this BS. This is definetly a trigger for me. So, I need to somehow plan out a different approach. Not sure yet, but I am working on it.