Yeah...that's the logic. Funny, I remember a dictator that was resposnible for the slaughter of millions that had a convenient view that certain beings were less than human too!

Hi Brooke:

Well I think MIL should leave well enough alone. The worst thing you could do is try to help him at this point.

By your own admission after his affair you pretty much abused him. Now I am not saying you did not deserve to be angry with him for his affair but you probably should have divorced him at that time. Instead you stayed with him and withheld sex from him and started sleeping with his best friend.

If you would have forgiven him or divorced him you would be in a better place right now. But really you chose to not have sex with him and you opened yourself to have an affair. You could have chosen anyone but you chose his best friend.

You probably did some of the cruelest things that anyone could do to their spouse. You had an affair with his best friend. Got pregnant with the OM child and then he is left without a wife or a best friend. I have no doubt that he is not in a good place right now. But you are the source of his pain and will probably not be his comfort.

Unless your MIL has a time machine that can take you both back in time and undo what happened just let it go. Just try and learn from your mistakes.

He will more than likely be ok. Hopefully he learned about himself and why he cheated and he can find someone else who will treat him with respect just as I hope you find that person someday. The best thing he could do is forget about you and what you and his best friend did learn from it and get on with his life.

Take care of yourself. I hope your life works out for the best.

Finally a sane response. I think this thread should be left alone until Brooke comes back.

I agree, I came here to check in on her and had to go through all the other posts only to find out she hasn't been here in a week.

BROOKE, how are you doing?

A lot has happened since I last posted. I did send him an e-mail. I meant every word I said in it. Down the line I hope it helps him. I am going to stay out of his life. From the response to my letter and when I saw him the next day with the lawyers I concluded the only way I could make ammends in his mind is too give up the baby. I obviously cannot do that.

All communcation will now be handled by the lawyers. It's best for everyone emotionally. We cannot communicate and since I turned down his settlement offer it has gotten worse. My lawyer is drawing up a counter offer that is very much in H's interest and one that I can live with.

I do want to clarify something. After I found out I was pregnant I did not try and stop the divorce or give him a ultamatium its me and the baby or no marriage. After I found out I knew there was no hope what so ever. I got a lawyer and have been cooperating ever since.

I really do want to thank everyone for all the advice I have gotten since I first started posting here. I am not going to say I won't post again but this will be my last post for now. I wish you all the best.

Brooke

You WON'T do that. You could...I don't fault you for not doing so...but it is a choice that you COULD make. Putting the child up for adoption would bless another family and give you a chance to recover. Only you can decide if your marriage is worth that. Frankly, I wouldn't for the purpose of saving your marriage.

I wish you peace and happiness.

How are you doing Brooke?

I see that many people here are suggesting that Brooke give her baby up for adoption. The reality of the situation is that Brooke probably could not give up her baby up for adoption even if she wanted to do so.

She clearly states that the biological father has every intention of exercising his parental rights, and courts do not allow adoptions when one biological parent is willing to raise the child. So if OM will not sign off on his parental rights, Brooke has two choices: keep the baby herself or give the baby to OM. Although I'm sure the advice is well-meaning, adoption is not a realistic option for Brooke.

Hi ccbis,

Thanks for asking. Health wise I am doing good. Other than that everything else is chaos. At the moment the divorce is stalled since we cannot agree on a settlement. He turned down my last settlement offer. This really took me by surprise. My offer would let him keep the majority of the marital assets and I was not asking for spousal support or legal fees. He still turned it down. I am at a loss with that one.

I saw my stbx on Tuesday. We all got together to remember my best friend (xOM sister). It was the 1 year anniversary of her death. There was a lot of tension and really uncomfortable for everyone. It was still a beautiful ceremony none the less and I feel honored to have known her.

I wish I could tell you that things are getting better but they are not. My stbx seems to be getting more angrier by the day and still tells me to put the baby up for adoption even now. The ceremony was another reminder of how many friendships I helped destroy or put a strain on.

I have been staying out of his life and only communicating with him thru lawyers. He still e-mails me but I think emotionally it's better for him that I don't respond.

How are you doing? Have you heard anything from your H since we last talked?

Glad to hear that healthwise you are doing well. The first 3 months of pregnancy are the most dangerous, and especially when there is a lot of stress, or so they say. It probably has more to do with how you manage and relate to the situations than the situations themselves.
When I got pregnant with the twins I was looking forward to a 9 month scholarship in Canada and a 1 month trip (which was a delayed honeymoon) starting four months later . In spite of the traveling, being 5 months pregnant and the "stress" involved, they were born full term.

The rest of your situation is unfortunately expected.

You sound strong.

I'm listening to a buddhist monk on the internet and find that he's very wise. One of the teachings is "this too will pass", and that's a good thing to keep in mind, because nothing goes on forever, not the good nor the bad, whatever we do. This bad moment will pass for you and mine will for me.

Actually my life is quite good now, at least it's peaceful. I do have the unresolved marriage and financial situation to deal with, but that will end someday too. To start with, WH accepted selling the house, so I've put it on the market and when it sells I will get a place for myself and another place for my daughters. I'm looking forward to that. It might take a while, so I don't get too excited...

WH is in Paris spending his birthday (sunday) with OW. They have traveled every year for his birthday since they got together. I will text message happy birthday to him on sunday, a courtesy.

I have a new position at work, but nothing to get excited about. My co worker who's husband was unfaithful is frustrating me: I can't get the MB principles across to her. Her LBing is terrible! She's totally unforgiving and her husband doesn't help. I've never talked to him. I don't think this marriage will end well, but I can't find a way to help them. So I am frustrated. But I'm doing my best. And I will continue to try...

Anyway that's how things are here.
I'd like to hear from you now and then, if that's OK with you. Your whole situation and you yourself really touched me.

Questions:

Where you, OM, and BH at the memorial for OM sis?
DO you think it was good for your BH to see you near the OM?

BH reused your settlement offer. What was his counter offer?
Was there a CO? If not is he stalling?

You have not answered BH's emails. Why is he contacting you?

Why do you think he is telling you to give up the baby for adoption?

Personally, I don't think that he wants this divorce now. I think that he's wanting you to give up the baby and reconcile with him. That's just my take, though.

I don't know if he wants to reconcile. I think he sees this baby of a painful reminder for the rest of his life of the betrayal by two people he loved. Remember they still have common friends and connections. I think her H is confused and angry.

Brooke,

So happy to hear that you are healthy.

I wonder if your H is having a hard time agreeing to a settlement because you are actually being agreeable about it. He may be having difficulty reconciling this "reasonableness" with his desire to see you as a truly awful person.

Unconciously, he may feel that if he accepts your terms, no matter how generous they are to him, that he has to let you go completely.

He may want to hold on for a while because somewhere deep inside he wants to be with you, OR he may just not be able to let you go because then he will have no place to put his hurt and anger. As long as you are NOT divorced, he can be as mad as he needs to be, as mad as he feels he righteously CAN be.

He may also feel that you are going to run right to OM. As a BS yourself, I know you remember the feeling that your WH might just go to the OW if the opportunity presented itself.

Preventing a quick divorce might be a subconcious way to avoid what he would have to see as the MOST painful betrayal: the OM, (his former BF), in a happy family picture(including baby) with HIS wife.

Would you care to share what he e-mails you about? I certainly understand if you would rather not. My guess is that he continues to tell you how angry he is.

I am so sorry for the pain that you have both sustained.

Praying for all of you,
WH2LE

I'm thinking more that her H isn't agreeing to terms because if this makes it to court, Brooke is going to look horrible now that she is pregnant with another mans child. If I were a judge, you can bet your bottom dollar that her condition would certainly play into my dividing the marital assets.

But Brooke said that her settlement offer gave HIM the majority of the assets.

Are you thinking that a judge would give her MORE?

Or are you thinking that her H wants to make sure she gets NOTHING? This is what I would guess you have in mind.

Just curious.

WH2LE

I'm thinking that a judge would likely give her less. I am sure that at this point, her husband would be happy to see her get nothing. Given the circumstances, I can understand his feelings.

Maybe its a case of "I don't want to be with her, but I don't want anyone else to be with her either....".....

That was some fogspeak I got about a month ago from my WS....

not2fun

ccbis,

I envy the peace you feel in your life. It will be a long time before I have that again. What kind of relationship do your children have with their father? Do they hate him? Does he try and bring the mistress around them?

I don’t know how the housing market is in your country. Where I live it’s really bad if you want to sell a house. I hope you get a good offer.

TheRoad,

Where you, OM, and BH at the memorial for OM sis?
Yes

DO you think it was good for your BH to see you near the OM?
No. xOM and I kept our distance from each other. Still my stbx and xOM xGF (they were not involved during the affair) stared daggers at both of us the whole time. Like I said before there was a lot of tension.

BH reused your settlement offer. What was his counter offer?

His offer was 10% of the marital assets.

Was there a CO? If not is he stalling?
There is no CO. The lawyers have been doing their best to keep this out of court. The only thing that is in place is a TRO that keeps both of us from disposing of any marital assets. I don’t know if he is stalling. All I know is that we cannot agree on terms. I was the one that destroyed this marriage so I am taking less than the 50% I would be entitled to under state law. I read the responses and if we go to trial I will get considerably more than my settlement offer. The law is very clear that marital assets are to be divided equally.

You have not answered BH's emails. Why is he contacting you?
To vent I presume??

His e-mails consist of in no particular order from memory since I delete his e-mails:

Put the baby up for adoption in another state/country
Give the baby to your parents to raise.
Give the baby to xOM’s parents to raise.
Give the baby to xOM to raise.
You don’t deserve s*** $$$$$ wise
You will make a horrible unfit mother.
You and J do not deserve to be parents.
I hate you.
Tell J to take the baby and leave town after you sign over sole custody to him.
J is such a dumb [censored] for not demanding a DNA test.
I pity your child.
My date went very well last night. You need to take lessons from my date on what it means to be a lady. We’re going away for the weekend.
Stop lying about your feelings for J.
I know you did not tell me everything about your affair with J.
If I had my way you would end up with nothing.
Take my 10% settlement offer and get the hell out of my life.
You’re a selfish greedy little w*****.
You don’t need MY money. F*** You!!!

Those are the kind of e-mails I get from him daily.

Why do you think he is telling you to give up the baby for adoption?

There are 2 possible reasons. It’s only speculation on my part.

1) He’s knows if I were to give up this baby it would kill me emotionally and I would never recover from the loss. Maybe he feels that is the only way I would come close to feeling the pain he is in.
2) Keeping the baby makes reconciliation impossible. Adoption would solve that whole problem.

JMO but I lean heavily toward #1. I don’t believe he wants to get back together. He washed his hands of me for good the moment he found out about my pregnancy. One of the things he really struggles with is that he feels J and I got away with our affair and suffered no consequences since our families did not disown us and our careers did not suffer. In his mind I believe giving up this baby would be the ultimate punishment for both of us. Of course I could be wrong……

Brooke,

I have been reading along and read the advice offered you. I have just read your stbx's comments.

I know he is hurt, deeper than you will ever know, although you do know the hurt of betrayal as he did it to you as well. My guess is that you are maturing at an amazing rate right now as you struggle to deal with all of this. It is clear you were not very mature before all of this happened.

It is also clear that your stbx while hurt is very very immature.

I would strongly recommend that you stay very far from him, change your email address and leave this situation.

I would also strongly recommend that if after honest evaluation of your abilities and desires that you feel you can rear this child, you follow your heart. Adoption is a good thing, if you cannot be the mother and parent this child will need. The demands are huge. Yet, a well reared and loved child will flourish with you, IF you are capable. I have seen examples of this many times.

As for OM, or exOM, definitely get a DNA test if you have not done so already. Make sure OM is actually the father, although from what you have said there is little chance of anyone else being the father. ExOM will need to know for sure that the child is his.

Finally, given the situation I must ask you why you are here now? What do you obtain from this site that you need? I am not trying to send you off, just curious about what you seek and need.

This is a terrible situation, it was bad before your affair, it only became worse with your affair, and the discovery of your pregnancy has made it even worse for ALL concerned. I really think you need to move away from this mess physically and emotionally for your health, and surely for the health of the baby. It will also help your stbx and your exOM.

I really don't have much else to say. I would encourage you to seek out advice and opinions about the viability of you rearing this child on your own. I know exOM probably wants you to adopt because it will releave his financial obligations. Stbx wants you to do it to punish you and by definition perhaps this child. I doubt he cares one way or another about this child. Perhaps he should not, but that is all the more reason his opinion is of ABSOLUTELY NO VALUE.

Please understand this your stbx's opinion has absolutely NO VALUE at this point. I know MEDC will no doubt object, but this marriage is over and everyone knows it. Thus, stbx has no standing in your decision concerning a child that is not his.

If your state is a no fault state, you are indeed entitled to 50% so under no circumstances take 10% you will have a child to rear.

Are you getting the impression that I am most concerned about this child? I hope so because that is the case. You are required to protect this child from harm and protect this child's future. Do so. Your job is NOT to protect stbx any longer, and certainly not exOM. They will both move on with their lives, you will be left holding the...baby. Take care of what you will be holding. Let them take care of themselves.

Please think about this and seek counseling and guidance about your future decisions.

God Bless,

JL