U 2 Mrs. W (re: the cheer up part) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok Krazy, this thread is about you so here's my input. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Remember these are just my observations so just take what helps and feel free to discard the rest. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The following suggestions are to help you get back on track. It is easy to get lost in he said, she is, she said he is, etc.... it gets quite mind boggling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So it may be better to attack this with a plan. The plan is to identify where you need to work on stuff, get you to work on your personal improvements thereby setting a goal for your W to see. If she takes notice, you may become attractive to her as it s/b and in turn she can have the opportunity t/become attractive 2 u. Then even the SF stuff will fall into place, easier.

1. Have you identified your personal & marital boundaries?
2. Have you and your W taken the Emotional Needs Questionnaire? If she won't, you take it 2 times, once as yourself and 2nd time as her. Compare it. It c/b an eye opener.
3. Read HNHN (His Needs/Her Needs) by Dr Harley. Learn HOW to communicate with your W in a way that is more in tune with her feminine side. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

4. Give Steve H a call. See if he can help you get a good plan A completed and then reassess your status.

You may find yourself in a better position to make a good life changing decision.

JMHO,
L.

Back atcha Orchid sweetie! I know you've been havin' a bad time lately...I hope you've gotten that all straightened out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

What bad time? Good weather.....good food, fun in the sun, a little precipitation and lots of double rainbows. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

K71,

How are you doing?

L.

Hello all.

Yep, I have anger issues, obviously. I talk to my W about it, but I try to avoid showing anger towards her as best I can. She is remorseful. For the most part, she is a good FWW, if there is such a thing. I'm trying harder to focus on what she's doing right...I love her, and I don't want the M to end. I just hope I can "get over it" eventually. I don't know if I have that in me or not.

I think some of you may have misunderstood me. I have never expected my W to be at my beckon call. I've never expected her to have sex when she doesn't want to. Despite how I appear on this board, I don't have a scowl on my face 24/7, and I don't hate my wife. I do think that the way I found out...being completely blindsided by walking in on the act...has done some serious damage to my psyche. Once my financial situation is a bit more stable, I plan to go to a MC and maybe an IC.

Since spewing anger and venom isn't in the spirit of this forum, I will limit it from now on. It might help me, but I can see how my words might cause others to trigger, or make them feel uneasy. I apologize for that.

I appreciate all the replies and the concern. I really do.

Krazy, you are understandably hurt and devastated. I don't know that others have been triggered, or even if they have been upset by the anger you have expressed, my concern was for your own emotional/mental health. Your hurt over not receiving what was given to another is also understandable.

I have seen many BWs hurt to the core when they discovered their WH was spending hours talking to the OW, sending love notes & gifts, speaking lovingly and being emotionally engaged in ways that they had never received from him and had always longed for. What they and what you are having to deal with isn't an easy gig and there seems to be no place to scream out the pain. You can't just squelch it, or get over it, or move past it - you have to go through it. I only hope that you can find a way to do so that truly brings healing to you and isn't just a bandaid over it, KWIM?

You have to keep it all together at home, so it's not a bad idea to have some place to let down the armor for a little while. Perhaps you just need a way to do so without hurting yourself more in the process.

Do you believe that if she did become more sexually engaged (creative, uninhibited, ?) with you, would it help you?

Like graplin, I only want for YOU to feel better. This does require finding the root of the anger and walking thru it. There is no way around it; wish there was. My concern is for you, Krazy.

You didn't trigger me, just reminded me OF me, and I HATE knowing that so many others have or are experiencing this sort of devastation. It has torn me down to my core, and I'm rebuilding. I wanna be like Steve Austin, minus the whole cyborg thing. I wanna be better than before the affairs.

I hope for you that you can find a better way, for you.

Krazy, this is exactly the place to vent your frustrations. Please don't temper your wrath for our benefits. You need to let go, let go here where no real damage is done.

Krazy
all the best for your marriage.. I just did a quick read of your situation and here are some ideas..
COUNSELING ic and mc fort sure..please
ic FOR sure.. on the anger stuff
also PHSICAL activity.. get into a boxing class
kick boxing or some such..
combat is GOOD for males.jogging will dispate anger
be sure to geta DOCS checkup.. and be supervised if you do it Intensly..
get some psych insight into a males attitudes
all the best
jerseyboy

Now my FWW says she has zero sex drive. Absolutely zero desire to touch or be touched by anyone, especially me. Partially because of the pregnancy, but mostly because of the way I've treated her since d-day. I've been difficult to live with, of course. Who wouldn't be? Maybe some BS's handle things in a more effective manner, but I feel like I've already scaled Mount Everest. Barefoot. With a cactus jammed in my [censored].

She says that if I will treat her "better", she will try to "fake it until she makes it". I guess that's better than not trying at all, but am I out of line in feeling a tremendous amount of disrespect in the whole "fake it til you make it" philosophy. If you eat feces every day for enough years, you WILL get used to it. Whoopie! There's nothing hotter than a woman who's willing to choke back her vomit long enough for me to get off. I can hardly wait.

Then there's the whole "bestowing the gift of sex upon me if I EARN it" issue rearing its ugly head again. Once again, I do the work (change my attitude, treat her better), and her end of the deal is to have sex. See the disparity there?

Am I being overly sensivite? Should I be grateful for whatever she deems me worthy of, like a dog catching table scraps? Should I see a red flag? Shouldn't she have to do something besides A) Not cheat and B) Reward me for being a good boy?

I'm being punished for my reaction to her affair, which is about a hair's width from being punished FOR her affair.

Krazy,

I do not think you are being overly sensitive but i do know from a female perspective WE are VERY different when it comes to SF.

If i am upset with my H for any reason there is NO WAY IN H@LL I AM GOING TO SATISFY HIM. Maybe your FWW is feeling the same way.

I think we BSs do take our anger with us everywhere even though we try not to. Maybe she feels like you are "punishing" her for her A (not saying i don't understand because i am right there with you).

I think maybe we both need to take a break from recovering our M and see where life takes us. I don't mean give up the marriage just kind of be to ourselves a little more and make THEM think about it for a while. I don't know if that is the right thing or not but right now i am trying anything to quit being so miserable all the time.

your wife is abit too full of herself. Frankly, I am not sure how you have hung in this long with such a gem for a spouse!


No.



Exactly

When I bring up the fact that she risked her family and our health to sleep with someone she barely knew, she says something like, "Well, he never put me down or made me feel awful!"

That might make some sense, except that they never had any lenghty conversation, or spent more than a few minutes together. Of course they didn't fight. If all I had to do was make a phone call or talk to her for 10 minutes then get laid, I'd never fight with her either. No guy would. Of course the s.o.b. was nice.

Yeah, I've told her all of this to her face. More than once.

MEDC,

What would you say to her when she tells me that I have to earn what I get?

Assuming you wanted to fix the M and the SF, of course.

Why are you still with a woman that is justifying her affair and not meeting your needs?

Of course he didn't put her down...she was nothing more than a piece of [censored] to him...why should he put her down?

So, why are you torturing yourself to be with this "woman?"

That would be the last straw for me.

She doesn't respect you and until you send her packing, she won't. This woman should not look upon your face one more time until she gets her head out of her [censored].

omg, i agree with medc 150%.

where the f does she get off saying that?
you have to "earn" it?

i would have told her it was the other way around.

she would have gotten an earful and her suitcase in her hand.

she still has the attitude of entitlement. she was entitled because you weren't who she wanted you to be.

i am getting pretty ticked at her right about now.

mlhb

Hi Krazy. Read a good deal of your thread. It's an unfair fact that the BS has to work so hard to repair something that the WS did. Acceptance of that will help everything else you try to do.

Your anger is understandable, I know. There were 6 OM for my wife. She was worse than yours. They were strangers. Very early in your thread someone asked if there was a history of sexual abuse in your wifes life. Have you explored that? My wife was abused by her own father. Sometimes that comes out in wierd ways later in life as the victims guilt and self-hatred get greater. Not an excuse, but something to think about.

I look at my wife today, I see the little girl in her bed pulling her covers over her head as daddy comes in and closes the door, not the self-hating woman who meets a complete stranger in a parking lot and f's him in his car.

It's all about our love for our spouse. Is your love bigger than your anger?

I hope you find peace.

This is a collaborative effort type thing, Krazy, FIXING a marriage. You cannot do it alone, it won't work. Had I known months ago when you started posting that she was telling you you needed to earn it and justifying her A by stating things like OM wasn't mean to her, I would have told you to at least detach from her. If you still choose to remain in the home, then it's time for 180, IMO. She sounds like she could EASILY slip into another A.

To be fair, it's not like we've been celibate, and she never actually said, "You have to earn it".

She also only says things like, "At least he didn't insult me!" after I bring up that OM didn't have to try like she's wanting me too.

I'm not unreasonable. I don't expect her to want SF when I'm being an a$$, and I am quite a bit.

She really isn't justifying her A...she knows better. I think at times like that she's just angry and lashing out.

I may have been too biased with my post...the bottom line is that she feels beaten down due to how I treat her, which caused her sex drive to crash through the floor. She agrees to fake it if my treatment of her improves.

Female WS have it far easier than male WS's in the bedroom, I suppose. They STILL get to call all of the shots.

That is, as long as I decide to take it.