Yes, this is all fog babble, just words. Don't pay any attention to whatever she says. Just do what you're supposed to do.

By all means, if you haven't completely exposed do so, and do so immediately!! It should be swift, unannounced, and wide-spread.

And do things for yourself too, don't forget that. If reading these emails are hurting you, then beyond the necessary information, is there a reason to keep reading them? You could maybe thank the friends for their continued support and stay in touch with them so they know where you stand and they might put pressure on her, but you don't have to read emails they forward you from her.

I know I don't HAVE to read them, but I can't resist. I keep praying that SOMEONE will be able to reach her and show her how wrong all of this is! Obviously, she already knew what our "church" friends thought, so I'm sure she was prepared with her response before even reading their letters. She is walking away from so much! Not just me, but the entire life that she had always claimed to want!

I keep reading searching for a glimmer of hope, I haven't seen it. I thought there was some on Mon. when she asked if my family hated her. Why does she care? As long as OM is still there for her, she can only see the fog! I DO believe (false hope?) she is trying to convince herself. If she tells everyone that she will NEVER return, it will make her all the more determined to prove her words. I can't take much more of this, my chest is about to explode!

I don't know how to expose any further. He IS still 4 hours away. He can do no wrong over the phone!

Anyone elses' WS ever return after having said this to so many?

This IS a roller coaster of emotions. I know it's easier said than done, but try to not let her emotional swings affect you too much. Dr. Harley recommends ADs to BSs implementing Plan A and B. I don't remember whether you've considered this.

Whenever you think you can't take Plan A any more, you can go to Plan B. I just recommend that you do so in a thought-out manner. Maybe you're ready to start working on a PBL?

I don't know, I'm just throwing ideas out there. Take whatever fits.

This is the most painful and difficult thing that you will ever have to do. It doesn't matter if OM is 4 hours away or down the block. You need to expose and tell everyone, especially OM's W.

his wife left him 6 months ago. Think I don't know the loneliness he felt? Think he doesn't know mine?

Abandoned,

Dang it!!! When are you going to realize what people are really telling you. What we are all suggesting to you, has NOTHING to do with hope, not a single thing. What you have here is a process with a plan. IF you will follow the plan the process of handling your marriage will occur. Will your marriage work out? Perhaps it will, perhaps it won't. What will happen is you will grow, you will learn, and you will be at peace with yourself no matter how this turns out.

This whole thing is not about your WW, giving you HOPE. Right now her HOPE is for you to die and vanish from the earth. Do you want that kind of hope???

The point everyone is making is that things change. Weeks ago you thought you had a good marriage, then she met OM. Things changed and they changed fast. They will continue to change, you have NO CONTROL of how she will change,but you do over how YOU will change. The plans here are a process for you to address your changes, and learn to handle a relationship with her IF she decides to come back.

No one is going to talk "sense" into her. No one is going to say that magic thing that makes her go "Oh! Abandoned was the man for me". You are not going to find those magic words either.

Things CHANGE, and they often do it in your favor if YOU CHANGE for the better. Work on that. Use your church resources to help you. Be the leader, the father you can be, and you might get a chance to be her husband. For a church going man you sure don't seem to have much faith and that concerns me.

"This too shall pass", is statement that you should grab onto and cherish, because it is true, it has been promised.

Your old marriage is over, the vows broken many times. Are you prepared for a new marriage to your W or someone else??? No, you are not. Work on preparing yourself for the life that faces you.

Remember this whole work by Harley is a PROCESS. It is not a cure, it is not a solution, it is a process. The outcome cannot be assured other than if you make yourself a better man, a more humble man, a better father, a better friend, you will be better.

I know it has been just a short time since she left, but in reality she left you years ago, you just did not know it. If she comes back she will have to be a different woman than the one that left or the one you are dealing with now. She has to go through her process.

Your job, follow the plans, pray, and work on the things you have influence over, yourself, your kids, and your friends.

Please, please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

AW3,

JL just gave you a much needed 2x4. There is no hope for anything. Accept that. Things just are.

You're being given a plan which will do one of two things: Force your WW to face reality and have her either leave for OM or come back to you after the fog lifts.

Those are the two outcomes. Hope is nowhere in the equation.

Obviously you want the latter option, but you need to accept that you don't know what is going to happen.

Exposure starts a process. It is a painful one.

The path you're on is a very lonely one and it is focused on YOU, not your WW. You will emerge from this a stronger man, no matter the outcome if you follow the process.

Plan A is temporary. Plan B could possibly last forever and it is intended to help you move on and force the WW to face the consequences of their actions and stop cake eating.

There's plenty of BSes here who moved to Plan B, never got their spouses back, but healed in a big way. Chrisner is a good example. There's others too.

You need to expose to whoever you can. She's going to go ballistic but eventually she will calm down about it. She'll tell you that she'll never come back to you now, that you had a chance but now that you've exposed it's all over.

There lots of men here who have recovered their marriage.
Read some of their posts when you get discouraged. Bob Pure and toomuchtoosoon and Mr. Wondering are three that I can think of off the top of my head.

I know, I know, I DO get it. But you also understand that I'm just waiting on someone (God?) to tell me,"It's okay, she's coming home." I AM NOT stupid, I know that none of you can tell me that. I DO have faith that , regardless, God will see me through this. It's just all happened so fast! I truly didn't see this coming...at all!

Question: She says that she is coming to get her things and the furniture we agreed upon Sunday for her new place. I'm thinking that I want this house to be immaculate and spotless. I want her last impression of the dream home we built together 4 years ago to be of it in all it's glory (and cleanliness). I want her left with the memory of our family's nice new home when she is sitting alone in her newly rented single-wide trailer. I want her to think that I have been completely cool and in control and have maintained our home even better than I did when she was here (I haven't, I haven't done JACK in 13 days!). Is this a good idea? Are my motives devious? Obviously, things need to get done anyway, but I'm thinking of enlisting a little help Fri & Sat to make things even "better than normal." Your thoughts?

I think it's a great idea......but when I was wayward I was more than willing to give up my beautiful dream house that I'd picked everything for- and live in an apartment. I wasn't with OM I just thought too much had happened for me to stay married- justification etc.

Make her moving a bit hard on her- don't enable her financially. That will make it harder on her to stay gone.

Great idea. Yes, a well kept house will look like you are strong and that you are moving along. You have not crumbled. Even a WS can respect that.

Great idea to have the house looking FABULOUS!!!! All part of a good Plan A. Don't forget to have YOURSELF looking fabulous too.

Please listen to JL. JL KNOWS!!!!!!

Have you read Surviving An Affair yet????

Wh2LE

Abandoned,

I'll weigh in with a differing opinion on the home being "spotless". You did most if not all of the household things and she didn't give it much weight did she? You did most of the other chores and it did NOT stop her from her choices.

My suggestion is to clean up your home as you would normally for the kids and yourself to live in. Have things around that will remind her of the kids. Perhaps apply to her olifactory (sp) senses and have something good cooking in the kitchen.

By all means make a good physical appearance, perhaps a bit of aftershave. Whatever!

Remember, what you want her to miss is not a house, but you and the kids...her family.

I would guess a more powerful thing would be the look on her children's faces as they watch her move "her" things out of their home. I am not sure I could stand that, could you?

Abandoned, you don't have to worry about manipulating her. Her defenses are up, way up. Until SHE takes them down little you do or say will make any difference. Remember this is a process.

I know this happened suddenly to you, with regard to the last affair, but you have been warned for 10 years that she does not have good boundaries and really doesn't protect them well. I cannot tell you what was wrong in the marriage from her point of view and you will never find out until she ends the affair and finally becomes honest with you. This may well happen after a divorce has occured.

I hope this is not the case, but it might be. That is why we keep pointing you down your own road. You have a lot on your plate and it is particularly tough with the kids. But, they can be your strength, your joy.

Ok, you have my $0.02, which doesn't buy much gas these days.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

I second everything JL said.

Also, I'd find something fun to do w/ the kids while she's there. Something that will make her feel like the outsider that she has become.

Plus, it will serve as a distraction for your children, as it will be a very difficult day for them.

Actually, I plan to send the kids on to church w/ friends and to habg out after the service. I don't WANT to be here myself, but I must. I could never allow her free access at this point.

Also, I'm even considering having the boxes of clothes packed when she arrives. I do realize the message that might send, but I don't know if I can take watching her meticulously pack box after box of clothing for an entire day. If I do that, it will be to make things easier for ME, not to appear as though I am anxiously awaiting her departure. I can explain that to her if I must, she knows I'm dreading this day coming anyway!

This will indeed be very difficult, but I KNOW that she is going to rent this place and do this (I had asked her not to). I don't think this will necessarily mean there's no hope, but I think she has to do this to prove to herself she can. You know, the whole "I'll show him" thing.

Glad to hear your plans for your children.

Many BS pack...toss their WS's things into boxes.

Many leave the boxes outside the home or in garages.

If she must come in your home, I'd leave a travel brochure or two laying out... to some nice vacation spot.

Also, you might want to rearrange the furniture and leave some paint strips laying out.

You want to give the impression that you are prepared to move on too.

She doesn't respect you.

You need to be cool. Emotionally detached from her.

You WANT her to wonder what is up w/ you.

So do what is counter intuitive to you.

Do NOT help her carry anything.

Be busy...but keep an eye on what she's doing.

If she wants to take something you don't want her to, say no...w/o apology.

And do NOT talk any R talk.

You are correct, she KNOWS you don't want her to leave.

Do NOT tell her you couldn't emotionally take watching her SLOWLY pack up her things, so you put them in boxes.

No no no

WS will see this as weakness.

It is perfectly reasonable that you'd want to protect yourself from further injury.

I wouldn't offer an explanation for it.

even if she asked.

Your motives are to win your WW back, rebuild your M,and put your family back together, right?

How is that motivation devious?

Mm, Good point, W leaves me for OM, trashes me every chance along the way, has no consideration for the effects on her children, etc. and I'M worrying about being devious? Excellent point!

I just have to make sure she doesn't know that one M couple, one engaged couple, and six teenage girls are coming to help me (it's a HUGE house).

You have zero idea of what you are talking about tannerz.

No, it's NOT morally wrong to remove support from a spouse who is causing damage to the family. If she wants her independence to go and commit adultery, then she can do it completely free of any support whatsoever.


This statement is so wrong on so many levels.

How old are you tanner, 18?

At least you aren't using text message speak.

yet.