Oh puh-lease. Just shake your head and tut tut her like you would a 4 year old.

Please don't wait til on the way home to start telling people, if you can. She's probably already on the phone, giving her spin so you will look bad. You need to beat her to it. Start looking up phone numbers for her friends and family. Surely there are other people in y'all's lives you can talk to and expose?

Don't leave your house, even for a night. She's the one with the problem, let her leave.

So what if she's mad? She's cheating on you, and she's mad? Think about it. She'll get over her anger.

In the meantime, expose to her family and get ready for more anger.

As she goes nuclear, stick to your mantra "I believe we can have a good marriage where we BOTH can be happy. That can't happen with OM in the picture. I hope you decide soon to give our marriage a chance."

Don't worry about her anger driving her to do anything. Anything she's going to do, she's going to do, NOT because of you, because of HER. So don't let her vitriol get to you. You do what YOU need to do to be the best H you and be and do what you can to end the A.

Thanks for all of your help getting through this. If this would have happened to me a few years ago I would have probably done something that would have landed me in jail but I'm beginning to realize that all I can do is try and be there for my wife and get our family through this.

Somuch,

"she's so angry with me that she doesn't want to see me? She's telling me right now to come home and get our girls and that if I don't leave the house tonight that she will and I won't like where she's staying"

Standard WW reaction. You are not to let her blackmail or push you out of the house for any reason. You won't like what she will do. Tell her what can she do on top of her having an affair.

Her reaction shows how effective exposure is. Do not wait start exposing now.

I came home and we fought most of the afternoon, well at least she fought, I just stayed calm. I told her I wouldn't leave and that if she wanted to leave us then that's exactly what she would have to do. She calmed down some now but I did follow up to see if she contacted the OM anymore and she did. I didn't bring it up but she told him that she would call him later tonight.

Best to stay calm. Has everyone been exposed.

Best not to discuss recovery with WW. Just plan a and 180. Important to not be needy and smother WW.

Did you expose to family/friends/clergy? Go online to search OM and find his relatives?

I exposed her to my family but I haven't been able to get a hold of her parents yet. I'm planning on talking to her mother some time today about it when I can get a hold of her.

Just an update on yesterday, when I got home from talking to my mother she was very mad and flipping out and fighting with me and just really lashed out verbally at me saying some pretty nasty things which of course I know not to believe. I told her that this is her decision and if she wanted to leave our marriage then she would have to leave our home and that I wouldn't be the one to leave. After I said that she calmed down and lied down on the couch and I just went over and held her hand and told her that we can get through this if we both try.

After an hour or so she had to get ready to take my daughter someone and when she was in the middle of getting ready she all of a sudden wanted to hug and kiss me and trying to get me to be intimate with her. I'm sure it was out of guilt but it was still nice. Is this a normal response from a WW when she's feeling guilt?

Unpredictable and irrational is pretty much "normal" for a WS, yes.

You establishing boundaries and clearly expressing your feelings about her and the marriage are creating conflict within her. She knows what she is doing is wrong, she also knows the way out, but she's trying to find another way, a way where the fantasy of the A remains intact. That isn't possible, hence the conflict. Keep showing her that you are the one she wants to be with, and refuse to be walked on in the process. Good work, so far.

Yes, but there's much more ... she just peeked out of her fog for a moment and saw you in a different light ... as her "champion" willing to fight for her. Your actions spoke much louder than your words, and she saw just how much you cared for her to be fighting for her.

Now this isn't permanent, so keep your head down, another blow up could occur, but you've just been given a very powerful and positive SIGN.

NOW ... REMEMBER what has worked and what hasn't. PROACTION is good ... keep up the Plan A stuff, but work in some 180 behaviors. Now she knows that you really do care for her, let her get a taste of what life might be like WITHOUT you there as her "champion".

GREAT JOB ... keep it up.

MyRevalation, what do you mean by 180 behaviors?

Just an update on the OM, I just intercepted a message from him asking her why she didn't call him last night like she said she would but then followed up by telling her that he had a really nice dream about her. At this point I can't find any evidence that she's contacted him back but then again I'm not at home so she may have called him from our home telephone instead of her cell since she knows I have direct real time access to those records.

I know the affair is far from over so I'm just going to keep on the path that I am and talk with her parents and anyone else that I can about the situation and hopefully she'll begin the come out of the fog.

Here's a basic list I found:

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

It's really just all about ATTITUDE ... you improve yourself by looking better, acting happy, and being generally mysterious.

If your WW calls, you get to the point, and then say "I'm running late, I need to go" and then hang up.

You're seen around town with friends (male) having a good time and enjoying yourself.

It shows her that you are ready, willing and able to move on, if necessay. You project strength, confidence and attractiveness.

You tell her, "I want to recover from this affair, and have a long happy life together with you, but I intend to be happy with or without you".

REMEMBER, women will not leave a HAPPY husband.

One of the points was do not ask for help from family members. I'm guessing I should still reveal the affair to her parents just don't ask them for help?

Just an update from earlier, I spoke to my wife at lunch time and she asked if I wanted to spend some time with her tonight. So far today I haven't been able to dig up any contact between her and the OM but that doesn't mean she just didn't change her methods.

Well my wife and I had a pretty good night last night. We were able to get the kids to bed early so that we could spend some time together like she requested but she still admitted to me that she had talked to the OM yesterday using our home phone so that I couldn't find out anything they were talking about. This really hurt me inside but I know that I can't plead with her to stop what she's doing.

Over the last few days when we've been talking she's said many things that just baffle my mind and don't know how to process them. Maybe you guys can help me make sense of them. She's said many things over the last week that pertain to us in the future, both near and far. Like things we're going to go and do next weekend with the kids, things she'd like to do to the house so that we can entertain people and have get together's with friends. I don't know what to make of this talk.

Don't read anything into her talking. It's pure fog babble and trying to "understand" it will drive YOU nuts!

Watch what she does.

What we do know:

1.) She's babbling about a possible future w/ you (OM?).

2.) She is DEFINEATLY talking to the OM.


WW's babble is not worth disecting.

WW's Actions means that the affair is still ongoing.

That means our plan of action is clear. Put pressure on the affair so WW / OM will end it!


Stay Strong!

You're just spinning your wheels until it's exposed.

How else beside exposing it to her family can I put pressure on the affair to end it? Anytime I bring something up about it she flies off the handle and wants to start a huge fight.

YOU are allowing her to keep you off balance with her mood swings. My WW was VERY good at this. Knowing just when I was at the breaking point and cozying up for a couple days, even a week, to mollify me. Then she's go right back to psycho WS mode leaving me wondering "wtf is going on?!".

Your WW is engaged in at least an EA. What have you done to try to stop it?

REFUSE to fight! You are 1/2 of this, you aren't her dog! And who said to talk to your WW about any of this anyhow?

When she goes off about you simply say: we are married, you are involving another man in our marriage and that is something I will NEVER be OK with. I will do whatever I can to give our marriage the best chance to succeed.

Why are you afraid to expose? Because it will make her mad? Yup, it will. She'll be as pissed as you've EVER seen her for throwing cold reality on her affair fantasy. Your marriage can surving her anger. It can't survive OM in the picture.

Have you exposed to OM's family yet???...

Church????...

OM's Employer???... If's he's using ANY company resources to contact her.

WW Parents and family???...

In short, ANYONE who can bring pressure on OM / WW are targets for EXPOSURE.

You don't have to give details. Just explain that an "inappropriate relationship" has developed between OM / WW. That you are fighting to save your M and would appreciate any assistance they can offer.