And after the affair, and ensuing turmoil, I got rid of a lot of friends too. I have a much higher standard now.

I read an article one time that talked about high standards for friends. One person said that a friend is someone who would hide my from the Nazi's. I'm not comparing my heartache to what the Jewish people went through. But the whole traumatic thing really changed the way I look at things.

Queenie I understand TOTALLY what you are saying.I have been feeling the same way for about a month now.Its so much easier to give up and give in...Ever since I slipped up with that guy(my mistake)I know its easier to allow someone else to fill your ENS and have some happiness in your life instead of waiting for something that has a high probability of not happening.

Sometimes I feel I'm been hypocritical by praying for my marriage when my heart is not 100% in it.I feel disillusioned..I know this is satan at work and its hard to shrug off.I feel that my stand must be 100% or nothing..

Believer I like your analogy of evil demons..I am going to try that thought process...

Hey Bugs,

I miss you so much, but understand you have to take care of yourself. Come back when you can and just know how much you are missed.

B - I am doing my best to fight, but it's hard and I'm scared that it isn't making a difference in the end.

Hope, I am not self-disciplined. I am just walking in faith because in the end, that's really all I have.

Update on stich... A sent WH a letter demanding payment by yesterday. WH didn't make it. I called A last night to tell him that and spoke with him this morning. He said he hadn't heard from WH. I asked if I could cancel the cell phone, he said that he hadn't listened to his messages, but that he didn't think he would hear from him. So I called the company and had his phone suspended.

Guess what, WH called A last night at 8:46 pm, I know because I checked the phone log. So what do I do? If I hadn't checked, I wouldn't have known, but I do know and I don't want to be difficult or play games? Should I wait to hear from the A and see if WH left a message for him or play ignorant and leave it alone?

Leave it alone.

Ok, just checking.

How can WH call the A and vice versa if he doesn't have a phone?

Not your problem. There's phones all over the place he can use.

Ok, you are right and I just don't want to be vindictive or unreasonable.

It's funny, I go and do something that sets a boundary and I am already second guessing myself or trying to take it away

I probably need to work on this don't I?

Nah.....you are doing fine Queenie.....hang in there. Our WS do not like to make things easy for us do they????

It will all work out in the end. Glad to see you are doing better over-all. And you are, don't sell yourself short. And if WS don't come back, there is some nice white-knight out there for us when we are ready.......someone who will love us correctly....

and hey, I started journeling again.....

not2fun

Don't second guess yourself....I've done that for weeks now, and look where it got me. WS stringing me along saying he's in NC with the BOW...which we know now, with undeniable proof, that was not true......

I have to tell you, I sometimes wonder which is worse, a WS who throws their A in their BS face like yours, or one who sneaks around making the BS out to be crazy when all along they weren't????

not2fun

I'm proud of you NOT. It's important.

This boundary thing is really hard. I hate doing this, but you know he didn't have to not make the payments or he could have done so much instead of this game. I just don't want to appear like I am being unreasonable and scorned person.

oh, in his foggy little head you will be, but that is for him to deal with, not you...YOU know the truth and your truth...and maybe if our boundaries had better years ago, then things would be different than they are today....another life lesson YOU and I have had to learn........

(((Queenie))))

not2fun

I know that anything I do regarding WH will be unreasonable. I meant to the sane world that is watching me walk through this with dignity and grace as well as the courts.

I don't want to seem unreasonable and that I did everything that was fair to him.

From the little bit that I have read, you are amazing!! I think I'll print your post and read it one night after slipping into my pajamas and getting ready for bed. It's probably just as good as any other story, only it's not fiction.

You're awesome!

onlyU.....

hope you have extra paper and ink on hand.....

Hi Only,

Thank you so much for stopping by. I wish this wasn't my story at all. Thanks for the compliment, but it's the folks on here and G-d and AA that has given me the strength to get through this. I still struggle so deeply, but all in all. It's been a roller coaster ride that I would love to get off soon and have this be over.

I have learned so much, have worked so hard to change and be the woman that G-d desires for me. As well as keep hoping and trusting that my WH will be home one day. Though it doesn't look very good. He is so lost in the dark place.

I hope you'll come back often and post. I love to talk to people.

Queenie, just to reiterate what others have said, this is all your WH's stuff. Do your part and then let it be. He has a responsibility, cut and dried. It just happens to be something that you have to deal with. If this were any other transaction, the 'company' on the non-receiving end wouldn't sweet talk him or be nice. It would be handled as business.

Even in your head, you are trying to cushion his fall. Step out of the way, lest he fall on you.

And, who gives a flying fart how he thinks of you, even if he thinks you are vindictive. That's today, in his wayward state. If he ever dislodges his head from his [censored], he will think differently. Don't worry over this.

Thanks SL,

You are so RIGHT and this is the ONE THING I have always done, is fixed things for him.

I'm not worried about how he feels about me, but other people and the courts. I don't want to seem unreasonable and in the end get screwed financially. I want to walk through this with the court thinking I dealt fairly with what I had to deal with and not try and be vindictive. See the difference.

WH will do and think what he wants. I won't even go there. Not anymore. WOW, this is HUGE FOR ME...

Um, how is it at all unreasonable that he pay CS? What court in the world do you think would see that you asking for the bare minimum is vindictive? If you cannot afford to pay for his phone, then cancelling makes sense to me (if I'm reading right and you are paying for his phone?). If it's between your kids being fed and clothed, and your own financial well-being, vs. your WH having a phone, well, again, what court would fault you for that.

You have to drop the idea that he will not survive without you helping him. LEt him live it, Queenie. He can.

Queenie,

You were right to cancel his phone.

Now, cancel the gym. He has chosen not to be a part of the family, and should not be benefiting in anyway by using the family.

Cancel his buns...immediately.

Then, stop looking at his phone calls. You are in Plan B. You should not be concerning yourself with what he is doing.

Get your lawyer to deal with the finances, even if that means filing something to get yourself protected.