Hi Sunflower,

I don't think you have ever posted to me before. Thank you for taking the time. I really appreciate it.

Ok, gym membership tomorrow. Today is Celebration of Learning at our school. It is the most festive time at our school and the sun is out and it's supposed to top 80. Oh what a glorious day.

I have to tell you, my very favorite collection next to football team, winnie the pooh is sunflowers. I LOVE your name.

Setting this boundary is the hardest thing for me. But I am doing it and your right, I wouldn't have known if I hadn't checked. I won't do that again. In my little defense, this is the 1st time I have looked at it since March 24th. From someone who checked all throughout the day, I would give myself a HUGE pat on the back.

I LOVE SUN in the PNW.....

Not only CAN he, but also he NEEDS to live it.

You have no right to shield him from any consequences to his affair, his leaving his family, and his refusal to support his family.

I don't think unreasonable at all. I just want to handle this correctly and with class.

Well I'm not asking for the bare minimum, he has been paying me half his paycheck and that's what I am asking for.

I am paying for the cell phone, it's on the family plan and the money is due. If I don't pay the bill it gets turned off for all of us.

I have no experience with courts.

Not only he can, but he has. I just have made it as easy as possible by leaving him alone or Plan A'ing him. I haven't ever said, you crossed the line and I am taking care of myself and the kids and if that's an inconvenience, too bad. But then again, up until a month ago he was giving me the money.





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Sunflower,

You are right. Just HARD for me.

Again, it's a boundary issue which is something I am learning.

You are handling it correctly, by calling the attorney, and informing him and letting it all be handled by the legal eagles . You aren't doing anything illegal, are you? Again, I think you are of the thought that the courts delve into your emotional state. They don't care how your WH feels about you asking for the money; they only care that it is legal and agreed upon.

If it's not agreed upon (in writing) then I suggest you work on that. I can't remember what kind of an agreement you have. Soooo many threads, so many similar situations. I get confused

Now, if you were THREATENING him, that would be different.

And with the family phone plan, can't you get separate accounts? It's not IMPOSSIBLE to do; it may cause you to incur a fee of some sort, of course.

I dunno, we can make all sorts of excuses. What's best for you may not be best for him, but he no longer wants to be your concern, right?

No, what's best for him is NO LONGER my concern.

I wish it was. But it's not and he CHOSE that, NOT ME.

Certainly not knowingly and if I find out I am, then I will stop it. Might gripe though.

The only thing I have in writing per an agreement is WH using a letter to help him get a reduction at the food bank for his electrical bill. I wrote a letter stating at the time he was giving me half his paycheck for spousal and child support. I asked my A if it was ok to write and he said yes.

The LSA isn't a done deal. We served him papers, he has no A that I know of and when my A asked him about what he was doing, WH told him he was working on it. WH did agree on the phone to A about depositing the money and gave him some excuse that my records refute.

Other than the Plan B letter, and huge hug and telling him I was setting him free, I have had NO CONTACT whatsoever since March 17th.

Here is the interesting thing about the cell phone. When WH left his job in February he made the comment to DD he no longer needed the cell phone and he wanted me to get it put into my name. The account is in his name. When I gave him the PBL, I asked for the cell phone back by March 28th. Nothing... I didn't contact him and just left it alone. This morning when I called to suspend the account I asked to get it into my name. Since the account is in his, he will need to be the one to do it.

No, he is NOT my concern. But I also really want to know that I didn't handle this wrong and when all is said and done, I did everything humanly possible to walk through this gracefully and fairly. However, if he really tries to mess with me financially, that is a hot button for me and I will be here often.

I usually stay up late...

But playing TUMBLEBUGS...

What kinda STINKIN THINKIN???

I'm scared that doing what I did today pushed him farther away.

And you wrote something on Not's thread about WH being in love with the OW. That just hit me dead on. I really think it dawned on me, he is completely in love with her. I can't compete because I'm not her.

I'm the one he is running from and forget.

In one way, more and more I understand the letting go, which happends naturally. I'm scared over the money, and my heart is plain broken. I'll heal, I know that. But it hurts.

And I think I am just grieving a little more each day understanding that my H is DEAD.

To me, it seems like you have a hard time giving up this sense of yourself as being ALL POWERFUL and IN CONTROL. YOU didn't PUSH HIM farther away. You only have control over yourself and it's your job to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF and your children.


WSes are "IN LOVE" with the OP. Why do you think he is with her if he has not "FELT" love for her? I had to accept that myself BUT I also said that I believed that my H could love me AGAIN and HE DOES. I can't say that will definitely be true in your case BUT it can happen when and if he overcomes HIS ADDICTION to her.


THIS IS THE STINKIN THINKIN. YOU ARE YOU! YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HER. She is not even on your LOFTY, HIGH, REGAL LEVEL!! You are like a DIAMOND; she is like GLASS...He's living in a PIG STY with her...YUCK...

There is NO COMPETITION..She can't COMPETE with YOU...You are HIS WIFE..she is a HO...


You don't want the OLD HUSBAND anyways...the OLD HUSBAND betrayed you by having an affair...

Obviously I need more work in this area and understanding all of it's my job to take care of myself and my kids. You are so right. My whole life, up until this past year someone else took care of me and honestly, I liked it. I just need to figure out how to change my thinkin and just accept it for what it is. Not to mention the all powerful and in control crap that I have to lose. This will be one of my greatest accomplishments as I move forward, eh?

I'm trying really hard to get all this stuff and learn. There is SO MUCH... But as long as I keep trying, then there is FAITH and HOPE in ME to overcome what I have to learn.

Is it ok if I keep my wedding rings on. Somehow they help remind me I am his wife, while everyone else tells me to stop and take them off.

((((Queenie))))

Where would we be without our Mimi???? Honey, I was following you last night...(sigh). Seems we all were having a rough night of it. I couldn't log on because of puter problems, and man did I want to...especially for KDL.

Yes, the "in love" thing...

Hard thing to grasp isn't it. I can remember back in Plan A thinking about this, and it hurt so very bad. The truth sometimes does that.

And the thing about being in control??? I have never considered myself to be quite like that, but when your life goes like ours has, its hard not to want to do that....trust me. I want so bad to let WS know that I saw his phone records and know the truth that he seems to be blind to, but then that would be me controlling the sitch. He needs to come to the realization that he wants me and his family on his own. He accused me before of wanting him to lose everything and leave him alone and destitute (and he doesn't even ever have a flare for the dramatic....rolley eyes here....lol), but I did not do this...and as far as losing "everything", I am still here.

Your husband is in this same position. And if they think that we haven't worked our tails off, then they are truly blind. And one day the clouds will part and they will see what they have missed, the one that was before their very eyes the whole time. The ones that loved them, even through their dispicable behavior....

The wedding rings??? I don't know what to tell you. Mine broke years ago and I have never gotten it fixed, so I haven't worn mine in years, so its not an issue I have (Thank God, because I have enough....)

So lets move out of this awful line of thinking and have a wonderful weekend with our children

Jilly

ps...sorry this seems so disoriented. I am at my mom's and she kept interruptin my train of thought......

EXACTLY!! YOU'VE GOT IT!! DING! DING! DING!

Hi Jilly,

Here is the faith issue. If I could be told that WH will wake up one day, reasonably soon and realize what he has done and want to come home, I could totally wait. BUT the reality is, WE DON'T know that and so I have to learn to figure out what I want to do and that's scary to me because I could move on, build a new life and regret my decision. I don't want to do that.

The rings.... yes I don't know what to do. I'll keep praying for guidance.

Jilly, the hardest thing for me to get is that I have no clue what WH thinks or doesn't think. I don't know this person. I know him to be someone I don't like and don't want to be around.

So, the unknown frightens us and yet we have to keep pushing forward as best as possible.

This may seem so obvious to people, but admitting to myself that my heart is simply broken is into thousands of pieces made it easier. I'll recover, but it's broken today and I am giving myself a break.

Jilly is one smart cookie is she not.......

In my sitch, I've always tried to focus on having faith that I will be okay, good even. I AM today, so that faith paid off in spades. I have faith that I'm not going to ball up in a corner and stop living MY life. My WH is only a part of that life, and to give it all over to him would be a cryin' shame.

Have faith that you will have what you need, in the end. If your WH does wake up in time, then great. If not, you will be mended, Queenie, to the point that it no longer matters what your WH chooses. Have faith in THAT.

for me, with the ring, I feel like Frodo Baggins, and the ring weighs heavy on me. I don't wear it now, but I've worn it on and off over the past three years. When he left, they came off. Didn't make me any less married, but it was easier for me to eradicate him from my mind without that hunk o metal on my finger. The old marriage is dead.

SL, some major wisdom in that. I do know I will be mended one day. It just is taking longer for whatever reason and I still have much to learn and grow weary, but then there are so many days, when I am stronger and just am able to live in today.

Ah... what a simply, yet hard concept.

One day at a time. Because really, when I am freakin about the future, I have no business being there, because I am missing today. And today really is all I have.

Thanks SL.

I took off my rings for the same reasons as SL during PLAN B...I didn't want the reminder..remember WH was supposed to be DEAD to ME...

In fact, I even LOST them...REALLY..didn't find them until RECOVERY..

"The LORD works in mysterious ways..."

Ohhhhh....I get an A for Mimi...score one for Not....

[/quote] "The LORD works in mysterious ways..." [/quote] I need to let the Lord work in this way. I could put them over on my other hand where widows wear them. Because my H is DEAD.

Hey Not, It's an awesome day when we get an A from Mimi.

It's going to almost 90 here in the PNW. This GODDESS is spending the day tomorrow on her butt colorizing her skin into what SHE likes. And reading a book.

I really believe that the weather and grey after so many months takes it toll on me.

G-d certainly is giving me a little more experience in learning how to not control something or understand that I have NO CONTROl in things.

My A called me at home this morning to tell me that WH called and he wants to tell me about the situation. It's now almost 6:00, no call back from A and my mind is active with us going into a weekend. So this will be a test for me to turn it over to G-d, and somehow not think about it and just leave it in his hands. Pretty smart of him don't you think?

G-d that is. I could use a little help right now, because you can imagine that I am really circling on this one.

Correct that, I wonder if this isn't a lesson in my FAITH, digging down deeper for asking for STRENGTH, G-d seeing who I am turning to, and giving me a humble nudge to learn to take care of myself.

So, I need to feel like I am moving forward and not sitting around waiting to be the victim.

The way I see it, for whatever reason WH is withholding money. I could really begin to guess about this, but the TRUTH is I don't know what his reasoning is, or if it's valid.

So the issue becomes, learning to provide for myself and the boys. Ok, so, I can 1. go to the food bank and get assistance. 2. see if my PTA will advance me a gift card for gas until I get pain at the end of May 3. get a 3rd job 4. and build my business.

So, I am putting it out there, and not going to push it. I sell Amway products and if anyone is interesting in buying something, I could use the retail business. Now that's the end of that part...

So any other ways I might be able to handle this that I am not looking at?