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Joined: Mar 2008
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Please reread your last part. About the vacation time. Yes, you have gotten the vacation time approved already, but that's not my point. My point is that the "vacation time" was more important than protecting your W.

You are right. I need to check that at the door and not be the doormat. I am not *SO* concerned about the vacation time but we do have something planned for the summer that I need to be careful of so I might need to get creative and take some unpaid time.. which is also an option.

She does HAVE to go to this. It's training for her job and it's required, so bailing out isn't really an option.

I am in the process of making sure OM isn't going to be there and figuring out what I am going to do with two days off I didn't plan on having in another city.. off to the bookstore I guess.


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 166
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Posts: 166
Originally Posted by MyRevelation
Good Job ... you're way ahead on me.

If your interested, for a little further down the line, but my FWW also travels a lot for business and we've had to develop certain boundaries and a routine that we don't deviate from when she is away on business. She actually likes the security of knowing that I'm not home stressing about what is going on ... anyway, here's our basic plan for her business travels:

1. She forwards to my office email account prior to her leaving all of her iteneraries ... flight times, hotel info, business agendas, any mandatory group dinners and/or activities, etc.

2. She communicates frequently (mostly hourly) by text or cell phone to let me know where she is and what is going on.

3. She calls me with her hotel room number upon check in, so that I can call her hotel room at any hour that I'm stressing to make sure she is where she is supposed to be.

4. No dinners with opposite sex co-workers/customers, unless it is a pre-arranged group dinner and I'm aware prior to the trip ... no sudden surprises/changes are acceptable.

5. She has no more than 2 alcoholic beverages with dinner.

6. She does not go out socializing after dinner. She goes back to her room and we talk on the phone.

7. On her return, we try to meet up for a "date night" to re-connect after the absence.

These were big changes for her at first, and there were some questions from co-workers about why FWW didn't go with them anymore, but those issues went away rather quickly. I hope this helps you in the future.

MR these are great, thank you for posting them. It's a real struggle to get her to communicate sometimes. (She is doing MUCH MUCH better in this area of late) We are both very independent people (what probably got us into this mess in the first place) and getting her to change can sometimes be painful. (I am changing too btw)

She can be vindictive and vengeful (hence the comments from her last night, she was trying to hurt me intentionally) I have just stopped reacting to it and started to give rational, logical answers to her barbs.. (which really gets her fired up..)


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,306
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Posts: 1,306
The proper response to that is

"you can contact OM any time you want. It is YOU that chose to be married to me with the condition that OM is out of our lives forever. That can change any time you want, I have made my preference very clear. If you chose to contact OM, I would prefer that you tell me and we can deal with this as adults, or, I can catch you again and act accordingly."

It IS and always will be HER choice. YOUR boundary regarding her choice is yours. It is not about controlling her, but about controlling what YOU will put up with in marriage.

No way, no how she should go on that trip with potential to contact OM right now.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 166
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Ok, Final update on this topic.

I informed FWW that I would be going on her business trip. AMAZGINLY she was OK with it... Not even a fight, she was a bit disappointed that I couldn't trust her, but once I calmly explained to her the trust issues and the things I didn't know she seemed to understand. Was by far one of the most pleasant conversations we have had on this topic ever.

I am convinced now that the things she said in anger the other night were *MOSTLY* meant to hurt me because she was angry. (she can be vindictive at times.. always has been) Although I also know there is still a lot of pain there and any mention of OM is a trigger to her.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I am glad that I took it.


BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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