Hello-

I’m new here so please pardon any mistakes I make concerning the forum etiquette. I recently stumbled across this site in search for some guidance and perspective. I’ve been reviewing various post and responses for the last few days and decided to post my own. I’ll try to keep it short….

Two weeks ago, my wife tells me after probing her that she’s not in love with me anymore. This was after several weeks of seeming disconnected and detached and me asking her “what’s going on”. She was completely against talking about it but I insisted since I was shocked, devastated and completely crushed. This came out of nowhere. She tells me she’s felt this way for 2 years but has never said anything or expressed anything to me. She said that she still loves me and cares for me but is not in love. She doesn’t know if the feelings she has are normal or not. She did recommend seeing a marriage counselor which I eagerly agreed to. However, she seems mixed in her feelings to fix or not. She says in one breath that she wants to fix it and another she doesn’t know what she wants and then whether or not it can be fixed. I’m personally willing to do whatever is necessary to restore our marriage and our love. I love this woman with all my being and I’ve expressed this and verbalized throughout our marriage and relationship. We’re approaching 5 years of marriage.

She’s also in the past two weeks have said that we’ll be fine and the flip side that she wants out- confusing the heck out of me. I’m a very sentimental person so I keep everything and I came across this past years Valentine’s and Birthday card as I was retrieving the gift she bought for me so I reviewed the cards. The notes she left where very heartfelt, stating that she loved me more than anything in this world, that I was the best hubby ever and that I was truly her soul mate. I recently asked her about that and she said it was true so I asked well how can you feel this way then- I don’t understand. Her response was that she was trying- still doesn’t make sense to me. She’s been acting very angry toward me recently too and she says it’s due to the fact that we’ve talked about this before meeting with the counselor. I’ve tried to explain that this is all new to me and I’m trying to “deal” and gain some perspective. She tells me that she just wants to be left alone by everyone.

I’m truly at a loss of what to do and how to feel. I’m emotionally and physically crushed in every possible way and any guidance anyone can offer will be greatly appreciated.

This has all the earmarks of an affair: the rewriting of history, ie: "I have not been in love for 2 years" when you clearly know otherwise, "I love you, but am not in love," etc. Those are all CLASSIC statements of an affairee, I am sorry to say.

I would suggest you do not say anything about this, but do some sleuthing and find out what she is doing. Check her phone log, read her emails, put a keylogger on her computer, have her followed.

Get the FACTS and then we will tell you how to handle it from there. Don't accuse or even tell her you suspect, just find out the truth first.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here, friend.

p.s. if you will find out the truth, and rule an affair in or out, we can help you save your marriage. But we can't do that until we know what is going on.

Welcome. I suggest you put a keylogger on the computer and also check her phone call records. It really sounds like there is at least an emotional affair going on. That would explain her feelings.

I did the same thing you did, went back and looked at cards my husband got me. Just a month before, he had written long, loving remarks on a Christmas card. The sudden change was unbelievable. Turned out he was having an affair.

Thank you for the reply. I've asked her directly if there is someone else, if she was cheating on me. She has said NO. Should I still be suspicious?

I am sorry to tell you this, but she is probably having an affair. All the signs are here. And maybe she is not, but you should investigate to rule it in or out. You can't do anything until you find out for sure.

Like I said, don't ASK, because you are not likely to get an admission. Just quietly find out on your own.

They almost never admit an affair. Also it could be an emotional affair, and they usually don't even consider that an affair.

For a woman, it is usually someone in the workplace, a neighbor, friend, coach or someone with whom they have developed a friendship. Also old boyfriends pop up from time to time.

You really need to stop asking her and quietly check. If she thinks you are suspicious, she will hide her tracks better.

Could she be experiencing depression?
I would try marriage counseling and if she wants out after that, I am not sure what to tell you.

femme, marriage counseling is of no use if there an affair. [and often when there isn't!] He has to find out if there is an affair before he takes any action.

EM

WS's do not admit that they are having an affair. Affairs need secrecy to thrive. WS's are known to be fence sitters. They won't leave the marriage just because they are having an affair for many reasons.

The OM is only a boy toy and can not provide for the WW financially. The OM is married and not available to marry WW at this time.

That is why you have to become your own detective and search for proof of an affair. When you have enough proof you then must expose the affair. Never give up how you got your proof to keep your sourcres from drying up. Never give advance warning or threaten that you will expose. It only will give the guilty partys time to do damage control and paint you as a crazy jealous BH.

I'm sort of at a loss of how to go about investigating. Her phone is a work phone so I don’t see any bills activity etc and same applies to computer (work). She’s a technology professional like me so a key logger would be noticed immediately. During the week she goes to work and will come straight home- nothing abnormal there. She’ll spend the weekend with me even after she broke the news; she’s been spending time with me even though she just told me yesterday that it’s been awkward.

I thought depression too and even researched symptoms of bipolar. She told me that all her relationships have turned out this way but because this relationship was unique and she’s committed that she just did split and wanted to seek counseling. Although I get the impression from her that she doesn’t care which way it ends- this could just be my emotional impression, I don’t know. Our first marriage counseling appointment is this coming week. She’s also seeking a clinical psychologist. My concern and what doesn’t seem normal to me is that she states that she’s willing to walk away from everything (families, marriage, home, dogs, etc.). I’ve expressed this concern and she doesn’t know herself and thinks she may have some deep seeded issues. I never expected to be in this position…

Get a GPS tracker and put it in her car.

I smell an affair. Just because she is always home doesn't mean there isn't one. My ex conducted his affair at motels while he was supposed to be at work.

Are there any men she talks about? Does she hide her phone, go outside, or to the bathroom to talk/text? Does she delete the history, keep her phone with her at all times?

Has she bought any new lingerie that you haven't seen?

She generally talks about her coworkers which are mostly men. Heck, work is about all she will talk about in any length. She hasn’t purchased any lingerie. She doesn’t hide her phone.

Hopefully it is an emotional affair.

You need to get busy doing a good Plan A while you continue watching. Eliminate anything she complained about before, talk to her, even about her work.

See if she will go places with you like when you were dating. The Harleys suggest 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

She is in an affair or developing the precursor attitudes that lead to an affair either through her own mind set or association with someone (male or maybe female) who is catering to her ENs as explained on this site.

She may be one of those females who associate an Infatuation with real love. This is commonplace as evidenced by the widespread consumption of Harlequin romances but is not reality. Take a look at PEA (Phenylethylamine) explanations through Google or your favorite search engine. The Infatuation she originally felt for you should be starting to die out about now and this confuses the heck out of her.

This is a case of ignorance, not stupidity. Every female should be taught the issues of Infatuation and real love instead of learning the hard way.

See: http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/3-27-2004-52238.asp

Is she a chocoholic?

Larry

There are almost no wayward spouses who admit to being involved in an affair when they are asked--especially when they are asked with no evidence stated by the blameless spouse. Since you have little access to phone/computer, please do not tip her off any more than you already have regarding your suspicion. So she has no private cell phone? Does she have a pay as you go phone? Look at all credit card statements for suspicious activity--hotel bills, clothing you have not seen, dinners, pay as you go phones, etc. Do you have access to all credit cards? Look at bank statements and check withdrawals of cash.

Stop by her place of work--figure out a good excuse to do this. Try to take your time there to look over bulletin boards and try to talk to anyone that you know there in a friendly, social way. Note their reactions to your presence and her reaction. You have a very good reason to go there--you just want to stay connected to her in this time of marital crisis. At this point in your investigation, don't imply to anyone there at work that there are marital problems.

Does she go to a gym? Does she run or have any other hobbies?

Who pays the bills in your house?

Does she keep her cell phone hidden from you? Does she leave it laying around the house like normal people do or is it kept some place where you can't see it.

Track her comings and goings as was suggested, and consider taping her conversations in her car.

This smells like an affair and you need to find out if it is an affair. Her willingness to leave all behind also makes it smell like an affair--that is real fog talk.
Lake

Ok, so since she does not hide her phone--take a look at her call history. Is there a call history or do parts or all of it look like they are deleted. Who does she call and who calls her? Write down those numbers and note the times of the calls for future reference.
Lake

We’ve been going places and I’ve been trying to talk to her about anything that will sustain including her work. It seems while we’re out she’s having a good time but last night she told me that she wasn’t and that it seemed awkward, like a blind date that she didn’t want to be on- that hurt. The odd thing was last weekend we had a great time and she told me that. She said it was like we were dating again and as a matter of fact we were intimate- extremely satisfying for both of us. Fast forward back to this past weekend, she discounted what we had and said that there were times of fun but generally didn’t want to be there- so confusing. She says that she’s no interested in talking to me or going out, etc...but she has been going out with me including visiting our families for mother's day.

Thanks Larry, I will take a look and yes she is a chocoholic. Not so much lately though but she def. has her times and I would say that she is. Most recently she’s been smoking heavily.

How would she see it if it is invisible and can't be picked up by anti=virus or anti spyware? SpectorPro is very very hard to find. How do you think she would find it?


This is not unique. She has all the symptoms of an AFFAIR, EM. Saying "I love you but am not in love with you" is CLASSIC because in order for one to feel this way, she must be COMPARING her feelings for you to feelings she has for someone else. She wouldn't know otherwise.

Also, her rewriting of history to make your marriage seem much terrible, despite evidence to the contrary is CLASSIC. They do this for a reason. In order to justify the affair, they must demonize the marriage. The fuzzy logic goes something like this: "my marriage is bad, therefore, I am ENTITLED to find love elsewhere." I am not sure WHY that seems rational to waywards, but it is VERY TYPICAL. Of course, logic dictates that if the marriage is BAD, then an affair would not be the answer. But, such is the fuzzy logic of waywards.

Those are symptoms of an AFFAIR, EM, not depression. Perhaps there is some depression, and there often IS, but these things indicate an AFFAIR.

Can you hire a P.I. to tail her?

I'm certain it is an affair. That is why she goes out but feels she doesn't want to be with you. Double up your efforts. Be certain to spend 15 hours a week doing things that she likes. For most women, conversation is high on the emotional needs list. So talk to her (or just listen) about her job.