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As a newbie to this I have read a lot of the material and probably now know what I should have known all along, but was afraid to admit. I'll try to make this short, and any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

My wife and I met in college and were married shortly after I joined the military. 2 kids, great house, my own business after the military. Then a few years ago business went down the tubes, stress etc. I had to rejoin the military and was sent away from home. About a year ago I noticed when i would come home for weekends my wife had stopped wearing her wedding ring. She was aloof and started hanging around with a group of friends much younger. I asked her about it, she didn't want to discuss. I found bladder infection medication in her drawer and lingerie in her drawer that would make a victoria's secret model blush. When I asked her about them she said the medicine was ancient and she had had the lingerie for 2 years but never worn it (the expiration date indicated current and the following weekend the price tags had been cut from the panties and they had been worn.) The following weekend she encouraged me not to come home since i was coming home the following weekend. I didn't, then heard from the kids that she got home at 2AM sunday morning. I looked at the cell phone record and she called the house a little before 2 and then spent 20 minutes on the phone with someone. I asked her about it and she got very defensive and said she was next door. I said, "So you called from 20 feet away to wake up the kids to see if they're in bed? And who were you talking to?" Cornered, she told me I had no right to ask her that!

I saw in her favorites list a login to google mail and asked her if she had one. Nope. I went down to our office and she was acting very strange, wouldn't leave me alone with her computer, she finally left and I saw that only a couple of days before no less that 8 emails were sent and received from her password protected computer. Confronted her, she flew in to a rage and said , "we are not doing this anymore," then made up a story about how one of her friends must have used her computer when they stopped by for lunch that day. She also told me that, yes, men were chasing after her and in fact "she was having to WARD them off!" (I am not surprised, my wife is, even objectively speaking a real bombshell, blonde, 5'2" 105 lbs with a knockout body, even at 41)

A month ago, she lied to me about going to a costume party where although she told me she stayed for 30 minutes, apparently she changed outfits 5 times and was there for several hours. The party was so wild the police came twice, mind you my wife is 41 years old (I am 42). When I confronted her about her lies on this again, rage. She told me the next day she wanted a separation. She said she "needed time and space to figure this out, she didn't know how long it would take, and if i pushed i would not like the answer." I asked her if this included dating other people. At first she said yes, then she said that it really wasn't on her radar because there really wasn't anybody she would be interested in right now, but if someone came along who was really sweet and considerate she would think about it. She told me it would be best if I stayed at my dad's the next weekend.

I kept the kids there for 2 weeks, during which time she basically ignored us, partying with her group of younger friends. One saturday night she said she was going to a friends house for a "girls party" and spending the night. The next morning we couldn't get in touch with her and when I went over to the house in the afternoon she wasn't there but had been, and on the counter was a receipt for, you guessed it...uninary tract infection medication.

We are scheduled to see a counselor next friday, but I think she may be so in love with someone else, and in the selfish mode so seriously that it may not even be worth the effort.

I apologize for the long post, but would love the benefit of your wisdom.

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I don't think you need any more proof for you to believe that your WW is having an affair. But your WW will deny that she is haing an affair without proof.

Time to install a keylogger on her computer. Quitely get copies of phone and cell phone bills. Place a voice activated digital recorder in WW's car and in your home.


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And while you are gathering evidence, get tested for STD's. Having regular sex does not cause a UTI. It may because of the frequency in which she is having it. Not safe for you.


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Thanks for the reply,

How do I get around the anti-virus software on her computer though? Is there a brand that bypasses this?

Also, I have been an idiot haven't I? It's so obvious how could I have been so, what seems like unwillingly blind to this?

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When you say frequency what do you mean? I know that she only gets these things when she's not been having sex for awhile and then does. Do you mean that it's sporadic, as in someone from out of town who comes in infrequently, or something else?

Sorry if this is a dumb question.

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You're no more an idiot than many of us have been.

Get proof, you need to know what you're dealing with, if its one specific OM (likely) or just a party lifestyle with perhaps multiple As. You need to know, so you can formulate a plan of attack.

Study Plan A, identify and stop all lovebusters, become the H you should have been all along. I don't know if you are still in the military or not, but long absenses are a breeding ground for infidelity.

You need to do everything you can to end the A. You should not move out of your home. If you are still moved out, move back in IMMEDIATELY. It is YOUR home, if she has a problem with it, she can move out.

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Thanks tyk,

yes i am still in the military and can only get home sporadically. I am in the US this time though which is nice. I will be away for another year. I didn't mention this before, but now we are bouncing checks. she has control of the finances and I am clueless how we go through 10K per month after taxes but she is always telling me how broke we are. She says she is spending $300 per week on gas. I understand long carpools and a suburban and high gas prices, but that's ridiculous.

I didn't post this before, but the reason I chose "sickwithworry" probably has to do with this previous weekend. She was so desperate to "visit her aunt" who was at the beach that she left our son at home to be picked up by my brother in law and nephew after a basketball game at 10PM so he could spend the night with them at a hotel. She called at 11PM and said she was walking on the beach and not to bother calling the house because she had to leave early in the morning for a tennis match. I called the club, no official matches.

Thing is, her stories always have a slight hint of the possibility of truth. They are pretty outrageous, sure, like I bought the UTI medicine for our neighbor, but so hard to prove absolutely false. It is very frustraing and is literally eating my insides out.

On the moving back in, I agree. We go see a counselor next friday, for what it's worth and after that I will. After that I intend to shut down the bank account, take over all the finances, request, or call and change all the passwords on the accounts that are in my name (including her precious cellphone) and put her on a budget like anyone else is.

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Sickwithworry, I was a master snooper with the sneakiest, most lying WW ever and I caught her easily.


First off, you will need to get a voice activated digital recorder and hide it in the car. Change the batteries daily.

Place it in the car when she is away or sleeping.

Retrieve and replace it when you take the car to get groceries or put fuel in it.

Store all recordings on your computer.

Waywards are "so smart" that they are clueless and stupid to a science.

You can use your carrier's online tools to get the phone records with ease. I just registered with the carrier online under her name and number. I got ALL the calls and text messages.

When she went and figured out what I was up to, she had them change the password on the account and that part of the game was up.

When you finally do confront her, she will deny everything even though you repeat word for word what was on the recordings.

Make sure you give the OMW a copy of everything, even if there are several OMW's. You will get one of their atteintion.

However it looks as your's is wanting to be a party girl and there isn't much to break up, except for letting the children know what their mother is doing.


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Pariah,

Thanks for the advice. Which keylogger do you recommend, and where do you get one of the voice recorders? Radio Shack or something?

It is so true what you said about confronting your WW with your evidence of actual words and voice recordings. I confronted my wife with the lingerie, the UTI meds, the google email account, all of it would require the willing suspension of disbelief! And I could tell she was lying. It was so easy, her face flushed, she paused and then out it came, but so good as to be almost believable, except it wasn't. She won't come off it though. Except for the time I slowly led her into one, and when cornered like an animal, her only response could be, "you have no right to ask me that (i.e. where I was till 2AM and who i spoke with.)

I will begin reading PART A and try to dissolve some of the feelings, which vascillate between anger and hopelessness coupled with self-pity...

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Originally Posted by Pariah
However it looks as your's is wanting to be a party girl and there isn't much to break up, except for letting the children know what their mother is doing.

This is the impression that I'm getting as well.


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Originally Posted by sickwithworry
Except for the time I slowly led her into one, and when cornered like an animal, her only response could be, "you have no right to ask me that (i.e. where I was till 2AM and who i spoke with.)

Hmm... you have every right to know where your W has been and what she's been doing.

I'll ask the question that I ask of almost everyone else that I see in your position: why do you want to remain M'd to your W? What are her redeeming qualities? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, and getting the love, trust and commitment from her than you'd expect in an M?



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That is an excellent question. Why do I want to remain married to her?

She has never been affectionate, was a spoiled wealthy child, hated my family, and is insufferably selfish. She is a pathological liar, about even the littlest things, has to play one-upsmanship at all times, is extremely social conscious (has to be on the museum board etc.) and has never treated me with any love or respect. She stopped saying "I love you years ago" if she ever really said it at all, criticized me for the wedding ring I gave her because it was my grandmother's and she felt it was a hand-me-down, and does whatever she can to destroy my self-respect. The counselor I saw told me after all the evidence I gave, that, despite the fact that she did not know my wife, she felt it was not at all a certaintly that she was having an affair, but that she was very intelligent and felt the need to "win at all costs" whatever the price. That this was a control issue and I had been confronting her about her lies for the first time and she wanted it stopped.

So, why do I want to remain married? I think I am in shock, and assigning her the right to define my self-worth. I feel if she doesn't love me and is leaving me for someone else, that makes me a sack of crap. I know it's not sensible, but if I am honest with myself, that's the reason. I am also fearful of the massive changes that would ensue.

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My wife was just as toxic as your's is.

Mine got to the point of trying to have OM KILL me to keep their affait a secret.



I got my recorder at Circuit City and there are better ones out there now.

She definately go from denial to accusing you of being insane to blaming you for all of your marital problems. In fact she is going to re-write your history and say she only married you because she felt sorry for you.


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Frequent sex can cause a UTI. If you have been seeing the ointment or medicine, this is a huge RED FLAG that she is being sexual. If you feel that your own sex life with her frequents an infection, then perhaps it is because of that, but it would be ODD for her to be hiding the medicine.

From a female perspective, (sorry if this is TMI), sex will usually cause a yeast infection first which requires over the counter ointment. If it moves to a UTI, usually the doctor is involved and there is a prescription. These don't usually happen overnight.

Hope that helps! Still get tested for STD's to be safe.


BS(me) - 40
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6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Oh my lord,

thought about killing you??? On the history re-write that will be a big one. I broke up with her for awhile because I and others thought she was psycho. She started dating a friend of mine to make me jealous, it worked, I told her I wanted her back and she promptly broke up with the other guy who was hurt and outraged that he had been used. I married her not because I felt sorry for her, I thought I loved her, but also felt trapped. She was very persistent and wanted marriage followed quickly by children.

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The real kicker is the first time I found the medicine called Uristat (over the counter UTI med) we had not had sex in 3 months. The next time we had had sex once a month before. The latest time, I found the Uristat and she had cut me off from sex for the last six months. More of a red flag I suppose? She used to get these bladder infections, she called them slight, just some itching and a little burning, and take the pills if we had sex, particularly vigorous, and especially if it had been a couuple of weeks or more. Never known her to have a yeast infection.

I would appreciate a little more female counsel if you don't mind. This is the 3rd time I have found this stuff and "we" aren't having sex so I doubt I need to get checked for STD's, but I go see the doctor for my annual soon anyway.

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Uristat is like a bladder number. It relieves pain so that you don't feel the constant urge to urinate.

Yeast infections are the more itchy, burning stuff.

Bladder infections and UTI's cause the kind of pain that you would use the Uristate for. However, they DO NOT go away without antibiotics.

This may sound really gross, but she may need to bladder number because she is having rigorous sex (as you have pointed out). If she never follows up with an antibiotic, I would be very suspicious.

If she has already proven the need to use this medication after having sex with you and you have stated that you are not having sex with her, you can GUARANTEE (IMHO) that she is having sex outside the marriage.

Cut her off for your own safety!


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Thanks Onlyucan,

I need to let go of this jealousy, which is what it really is, and assess what I really want. I go home this weekend, I will take the kids and let her do what she wants. I think as I read these columns, so many of us allow the WS to control our feelings and thoughts and I need to be stronger than that. We do have counseling next friday, so I may hold off on cutting off her money till then so as not to poison the atmosphere, but in the long run, I think I can't be just sitting around while she makes her "decision."

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SWW,

Start posting on the GQ thread because there are alot of really great people over there that will give you step by step guidance.

Good luck!


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Now - one day at a time....
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Will do thanks.

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