ARe you SURE he is D? I would definitely call her though. Tell her her "XH" is having an affair with your wife and you are tying to save your marriage for the sake of your children. Tell her you are calling her because you know she was once married to him and ASK FOR HER advice.


This is another reason why HR had to be notified. Just know that the workplace exposure will be effective regardless of any action they take. They will know that the workplace KNOWS and taht will be enough to put a damper on things there.


Absolutely!


Sounds good! GREAT JOB, BRO!! Keep the heat on!!

Did you try that PI I referenced? I think he charges about $135 for things like this. Or try www.peoplefinder.com or www.zabasearch.com. If you call the PI, ask them to have Frank CALL YOU. Tonight. http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/

> "Also om works on company IT system and knows how to delete records of e-mail, came up in conversation with W."

This is another thing to tell HR. This is illegal, actually. enough by itself to get him canned.

with prayers,

Thanks Mel

W said to me that you know my weekness is the children, could I use this againts her, or would this be holding a gun to her head. When I have said have you thought of the children and the hurt and what will happen to them in the future problems with education etc. She says this emotional blackmail and kids are resilient

Just keep to the script, leave the kids out of it unless she talks about them, and then just say 'I'm protecting our family.' When she tries to talk fog babble to you, just keep repeating 'I'm doing what I have to do, to save my family.' Don't get drawn into any discussions because they won't work on her. Not until she agrees to NC and has gone through withdrawal.

For now, 'I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm protecting our family.'

No, they are not resilient. They will never be the same if she leaves to pursue her affair. Go tell those kids before she has a chance to spin them, Bro. And be sure to tell her you have told the kids about her affair. Let her explain to those children that she intends on DESTROYING their family for her "happiness."

Then print this up and give it to your wife:

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Print this up, too, and give it to her:


An Exploration of the Ramifications...nia State University College of Medicine

• Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.

• The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.

• Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.

• Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

• Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

• Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.

Conclusions
• Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.

• The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.

• There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child’s life.

[u][i][b]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]

- Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.

Bro -

Also remember that by telling your dtrs, you are protecting them. Worst comes to worst and there is a separation, they will be exposed to the OM eventually. They will need to know they can come to you if there is any problems -


Good job on exposure so far. You are creating chaos in paradise.

Reminder - do not allow her access to this site. this is your safe habour for now

thanks for support i will print of and give her the reports, will it do any good when she is in the fog. I will continue tomorrow with exsposure and tell the children and my parents.

On second thought, just give her the studies in the second post and TELL her the things from the Dr Laura post; use those as talking points. It may not get through the fog today, but I bet it makes an impact. It will let her know that her bullcrap about the kids is just bullcrap.

Bro, i heard all of the above right after exposure and it will get a lot worse after the workplace exposure. She will probably NOT want to be friends after that. The fog babble will become far worse but in the long term you will not regret the action you have taken. You are fighting the good fight and doing great.

She has just text me and said i am now really her ex!! she rang sister in law to tell her and i had already told her.

When i got home she said she will only speak to me through lawyer and letter, she is really cross!!!!

Tomorrow her parents are coming over to see her, this is arranged to stop w seeing om and more exposure.

how long does this last for the rage and anger. How do I stop myself reacting. I have been saying its for the good of the family and I am sorry you feel that way

Listen to the smart people here Bro1. Just remember they have predicted EXACTLY how she would react. And many of these folks have had their marriages recover after doing EXACTLY as you are doing now.

Stay the course, don't back down. Your family needs you to be strong.

You're doing great!

Pay no attention to what she says she will do. Its what she actually does thats important.

.

In my case the initial rage lasted for two weeks. Does this mean she has found out about the workplace exposure yet? Or has that shoe not dropped yet? If not, do not forewarn her.

Stay calm, just keep repeating your line -"Im standing up for our marriage and our family" Do not let her draw you into an argument right now. It really is pointless at the moment.

The anger lasts as long as it lasts, Bro. There's no set time limit. A couple/three weeks is not at all unusual. Steel yourself for the long tirades she's going to unleash on you ... and let all of what she says go in one ear and out the other. IMHO, nothing she says in this period will be much worth listening to because she'll only be venting.

Finish up your exposure and then wait for things to begin a slow boil in WW's fantasy world. FantasyLand is a fragile place; it doesn't do well when pressure is applied, and exposure is the beginning.

P.S. Regarding the OM's position in IT: If you have copies of WW's and OM's emails, with the heading clearly showing origin and/or destination, please remember to include a sample or two with your letter to HR. Even if he has deleted them on the server, he'll not be able to deny their existence if you present hard copy proof. More pressure, right? Pressure is a good thing!

Now would be a good time to review Pepperband's rules for the conduct of Plan A. Remember, you do NOT become a doormat and you aren't required to accept disrespectful acts from WW any more than you are to commit LB's, etc. Carrot and stick ... remember that.

Hang in there, Bro. The road is about to get rocky and there's no certainty of success, but if your relationship is to be saved, this is the way it will happen.

Best wishes,

LH

Thanks for support, I don't think anything will happen at work I have no evidence of company resouces been used and I think they have covered there tracks well. I have read company policy and I don't think anythink will happen. i am telling her boss tomorrow.

Also any advice about her friend who enabled the A, she is filling wife with loads of rubbish ie lawyer talk. On good note she has moved out of town, but W is arranging to visit and take the children which I am not happy about

Too bad about not having evidence, but you never know how a company will treat this information. It may be the straw that breaks the camel's back in the minds of upper level management because of other issues relating to this OM. Certainly, it will result in some counseling, if not a reprimand.

As far as the wife taking the kids out of town for the purposes you remarked upon, I would make that as difficult as possible. Don't cooperate in any way with WW furthering her adultery, and "furthering her adultery" includes her receiving support from her wayward friend. If you've told the children already about the adultery, the children might even refuse to go. If your WW asks for assistance, including gas money, asking you to wash the car, service it, (or ... whatever), I wouldn't do it. She gets no help in breaking up the family whatsoever.

Others will chime in now ... saying you, at the same time you do (or don't do) all that, you shouldn't be confrontational or commit LB's, and you shouldn't use the children as pawns in this tug of war. That's all true enough and you'll probably have to find a good middle line that suits you best, but remember -- being a doormat is extraordinarily unattrative and it won't draw your WW back to the fold.

You have lots of work to do, Bro. This is a busy time but always have an idea of where you're going, okay? What's up next in the exposure and what have you strategized for Plan A?

LH

Thanks longhorn

W parents are coming around tomorrow to see W and tell her they know, and W usually sees OM then.

Also i really need some help with rest of plan A. Could you tell me how to find pepperbrands posts.

i have really put my footdown regarding her seeing OM, I have refused to baby sit and i will not stand for disrespectful behaviour. If she says she is going out to see OM I can't stop her physically, but I will say its disrespectful and tell the children if they ask where she is.

i haven't told children yet waiting for W parents to have an effect. I have exposure planned for ebvery day of this week.

Bro, you DID send the letter to the HR Director and the VP, right? When will that arrive? That is a KEY exposure.

Bro, those kids need to know NOW so they can be prepared for the fallout. Her behavior will be very unpredictable, so it is best to tell them NOW so they are not vulnerable to her lies or caught unawares by all the conflict. This effects their lives very much and they need to be prepared.