seek out justjulie's thread. she is going through this as well.

i would do a dark plan b with him. list what needs to be done in order for him to come home, etc. i am sure you know about plan b. but with addicts i think plan b is even more important. you need to protect yourself and your kids from the pain addiction causes.

sometimes that plan B shakes them up enough to get some real help.

mlhb

Thanks for the update.

Now I have a dilemma. Do I comment, or leave you alone?

SS

OK, for better or worse, I'll comment.


I so thought I could get to him, reach him, save him. I gave him my very best for 21 years - I truely did love him - I SAW his heart, who he could be - I'm just so heartbroken. But somewhere in there is hope. Hope that I can find a life by myself. Find a way. I still feel like if I hammer hard enough I can get through to him - I still want to try to get through to him - but I know I need to let go. That's the fighter in me I suppose. This is just so hard. But I know that I need to let go...I need to let go.

Plan A for 21 years.

I think you do need to let go.

Let's see.......
Most parents that have kids the age of your kids will have a copy of the movie "Cars."

There is a song in that movie......I don't know all the words, but the last few lines, and those that might best apply here are as follows .....

"We go through life
so sure of where we're headed
And we wind up lost
and its the best thing that could have happened
Cause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as well
Because you find yourself,
Yeah thats when you find yourself."


Callie, do you believe good can come of this?

SS

SS - thank you so much. Of course I know the song, I have 7 year old twins who LOVE that movie! I will find my way. Right now, the goodness that came out of this was my two kids.

Things just keep getting worse and worse. I found out the total debt is about double what I thought. I also found out the reason for the really LOW paychecks is because he's been playing cards when I thought he was @ work. Also found out that my IC who see's H told me today that he's NEVER seen H come in not on something. His colleague is an addiction specialist. On top of that H was diagnosed with Menieres disease, caused by excessive codone usage. He's deaf in one ear (maybe permanently) and will most likely effect the other ear if he continues to use. All the while he looks me dead square in the eye and says he's NOT using. I've learned sooo much from sober recovery. I've for ONCE seen things from the addicts perspective.

In reality, H does not now how to function without drugs because he's done them for so long and so hard. He by all accounts has been a functional addict. It's just his usage has escalated to where I can detect it as well as everyone else. Right now IC feels H is not stable to kick out. He's asking me to hold on just a bit longer until we meet with him (next Tuesday) to see what we can do. I cannot force rehab. But if I send him out on his own he's likely to have an accident and possibly kill himself or someone else. That in turn could mean that I lose everything. My BIL who is a lawyer is after me to file something NOW to protect myself and document everything. I just need some time to breathe and decipher.

I have told my sister, she is livid. I will probably tell my parents this week sometime. All the while I have to pull it together to go coach baseball with my two kids. If I can handle what I've been through, I can handle anything. Hey, that's probably another good thing that I've learned. Thanks so much for caring SS - I haven't been back here since I posted because I've been busy getting bombs thrown at me.

SS - thank you so much. Of course I know the song, I have 7 year old twins who LOVE that movie! I will find my way. Right now, the goodness that came out of this was my two kids.

Two wonderful children are a gift indeed.
I am wondering about the future though. Do you believe good can come of what is happening now?

My personal hope is that this will make it possible for him to get the help he needs. Or that it will finally push him to claim the help he needs. It sounds like he has been trying to hide it for the whole 21 years.

Things just keep getting worse and worse. I found out the total debt is about double what I thought. I also found out the reason for the really LOW paychecks is because he's been playing cards when I thought he was @ work. Also found out that my IC who see's H told me today that he's NEVER seen H come in not on something. His colleague is an addiction specialist. On top of that H was diagnosed with Menieres disease, caused by excessive codone usage. He's deaf in one ear (maybe permanently) and will most likely effect the other ear if he continues to use. All the while he looks me dead square in the eye and says he's NOT using. I've learned sooo much from sober recovery. I've for ONCE seen things from the addicts perspective.

You know this is not something you can fix.
I wish someone would post who has experience with this, and who could guide you through the steps you should take.

I wish there were a way to force rehab.

In reality, H does not now how to function without drugs because he's done them for so long and so hard. .......... But if I send him out on his own he's likely to have an accident and possibly kill himself or someone else. That in turn could mean that I lose everything. My BIL who is a lawyer is after me to file something NOW to protect myself and document everything. I just need some time to breathe and decipher.

Think on it, pray about it, and follow through. Many of us have been worried about it for a long time. Protection is important when the other person is not trustworthy. You know he has had at least one A, in addition to all these other things.

In my mind, I see you getting a restraining order. I see him break it, and go to prison. I see him getting treatment before he is free.
Wouldn't it be nice if this could be worked out in such a neat and tidy way?

Your BIL probably has good advice here. If he did straighter out, you can always take him back.

IN this case you may be able to help him the most by letting him cope with the consequences of his actions. Tough love.

I am not telling you that I know what is needed, or that I know best. These are just my thoughts as they come to me.

I have told my sister, she is livid. I will probably tell my parents this week sometime. All the while I have to pull it together to go coach baseball with my two kids. If I can handle what I've been through, I can handle anything. Hey, that's probably another good thing that I've learned.

You know, I believe between you and God, you can handle anything.
Not to make light of YOU, but we have been praying for you, that you might have strength, and comfort, and know what to do. I hope you feel the help.

Thanks so much for caring SS - I haven't been back here since I posted because I've been busy getting bombs thrown at me.

You sound pretty upbeat for what's going on. I raised my eyebrows when I read through this the first time. You seem resigned to the worst, but still thinking about damage control, and how to do this in a way that will cause the least harm all the way around.

Please do tell your parents. It's about time you got the emotional support that is unique to parent and child relationships.

I am not reading anything about your feelings for him. Logical progression from where you were............. taking into account what else has transpired.
It would be a long, long, long road back to romantic love. Is that something you still have any desire for?

Prayers continue.


BTW, I read back through my comments. It sounds kind of ...... kind of emotionless.
Can we add some warmth here at the end, so you know we care?
Maybe insert a warm fuzzy feeling? A few hugs?
Imagine care, and concern, and people who want you to heal.
Does that help?

SS