Browneyes,

Hi I just want to chime in on your sitch, please listen to the advice you have recieved.

If you want to try to save your marriage you have to stop reacting to what he does and says.

When my hubby was living with his OW he was like a deer in the head lights he wouldn't move right or left, just stuck right in the middle of the road.

He would be with me, tell me he that he loves me, tell me he was coming home "soon", begging me not to give up on him.

Meanwhile he's living with her, going on vacations with her, driving her car all over the place. It was sick and it was nuts,, but at the time so was he.

If you want to save your marriage don't divorce him, let him get mad, but why hand him to her on a silver platter?

You need to be stronger then you ever had been.

I am so confused, my counsellor says I should let go, as his actions speak louder than words, ie he is living with her, and he keeps on doing things to hurt me.
Today again he said that he loves me and that he always will.

Better send your counselor to MB. There are lots of counselors (even marriage counselors) who don't have the necessary experience in infidelity.

And the proof is in the 1000's of recovered marriages here where the wayward said and did the same things yours is doing.

I told him that I am praying everyday that he comes back n that i still love him. I am so lost.

He went shopping with OW over the weekend, bought white shoes and jeans. I didn't approve of the white shoes, so he then sent me a link to website to show me what he has bought. What is he trying to say?

Brown,

I'm wondering if you heard your counselor as intended...

No slight...when we are under the intense stress you are right now, hearing what is being said is tough...least it was for me, audibly...MB was great due to being written...I could re-read...

Are you using listen and repeat with your counselor? "I hear you saying that I should assume from his actions that he doesn't love me and to let him go, is that correct?"

You might be surprised (or surprise the counselor), "No, I said you need to let go his reactions...his response. Stop focusing on his words and look to his actions. That's real. The rest is his perception. He IS talking to you, involving you, which both hurts like crazy and confuses. What are your boundaries, what plan do you have to enforce...and when are you going to focus on your half, your actions instead of his words?"

I dunno...pure speculation. I know during that time I was panicked and constantly focused on WH's actions, words, stuff...so much so after a few months that two coworkers took me out to lunch and said to STOP. Just stop. No more talking about it endlessly, no more updating to them...jerk my mind off what I cannot control and focus that panic onto what I can...myself.

Both had been through what I was going through. My obsession became my obsession and I got very lost...and as soon as I began going to Alanon meetings, reading Surviving an Affair (and other books), focusing on dressing up when he came over to pick something up...replying to his emails with reality...watching MYSELF...and asking for what I wanted...like going to an MC...and he agreed to do so, even while in his A...had to let go the response and ask, anyway. Do anyway.

Listen to these posters and form a real plan...pick Plan A or Plan B...not which one may get a better response or not...which one is what you believe in right now...only you know if you've been Plan A'ing or Plan Begging...only you know how honest you've been or not since this began...

What would you do or say if you WEREN'T afraid?

LA

Today, he also said again, that when he receives the papers he won't sign them straight away, he needs time to think as to this is what he really wants.
Yet he continues living with her

Brown,

Have you read about Fog Babble? Hopefully soon you will be able to get that who he says DOESN'T MATTER...WATCH HIS ACTIONS..

He is an ADDICT, he isn't thinking clearly and HE ISN'T the man you MARRIED, he is a MONSTER.

Seriously, you are doing great. WE ALL understand how much you have on your plate. The feelings, the sense of total catastrophe. When people told me it would get better, I wanted to throw up.

You are getting some of the very best advice on here, please trust them. I think it was Ark that said to breathe and be still. I remember so well, when it first happened, that I was in total and complete shock. I didn't know what to do and I found this place after a month, but I kept getting lost and not knowing what to do.

You CAN do this... I believe in you. We all do, because we all understand. One of the things that my business taught me was duplication. Following in the footsteps of those who had what I wanted. I wanted my M, and I was lucky enough to be desparate and willing enough to do whatever it took to create a new M for my H to come home. The vets are telling you what to do. Dig deep inside and trust them because I believe with every fiber of my being, G-d is working through here to reach you, give you the strength to do what you need to do to recover yourself and your M.

{{{{{{{{{{Brown}}}}}}}}}} You will be in my prayers tonight...

Thank you Q, you are so sweet. I feel stronger today but don't know what to do to keep on grabbing his attention.
I suggested lunch this week and he said he'll think about it, he can't say anything. I see some hope but I just don't know how to make it work to my side.
I've forgotten how to flirt, how to be romantic, I just feel rubbish.

Brown...glad you're feeling better!

I'm confused...you said you can pull the papers back from the lawyer...and then you say he may or may not sign them...

Could you clarify please?

LA

Yes. In order to do a great PLAN A, GET THOSE PAPERS. Actions speak louder than words. Show him AND let him know that you don't want a divorce.

I thought long and hard about this, OW is putting a lot of pressure for OH to file the papers. I want to throw her off guard - the more she feels threatened, the more she tries to seduce him and in turn his guilt increases. I have pressure from my family. So I spoke to my lawyer, and I can withdraw the papers before signing the affidavit. I have not signed the affidavit. Right now just signed an intention to divorce. This goes to court, then he gets a form as well that he has to sign - which he said he is going to not sign straight away - he needs the full week available to think about it. ( I don't know whether he is thinking of taking legal advice not that I am asking for anything at all).
I am just doing the best I can

Are you wanting to follow the MBers' Plans to RECOVER your marriage?

We have been trying to tell you about the MBers' Plans and have been trying to encourage you to use this approach.

I'm not sure that you are listening.

The best thing for YOU to do is to WITHDRAW the PAPERS.

That's THE BEST PLAN AGAINST THE AFFAIR.

The OW wants you to file those papers.

She is JOYFUL about you filing those papers.

I can guarantee you of that.

What she would HATE, if that's what you are concerned about, is your CLEAR AND EVIDENT TESTIMONY TO NOT WANTING A DIVORCE.

Filing those papers brings you closer to a DIVORCE and any INCH towards that is what SHE is wanting.

Mimi is exactly right. OW is DESPERATE for you to file those papers. My husband begged and pleaded with me to type up our D papers so he could file them... so he could SHOW them to OW. I read on an OW internet board sometimes and time and time again I see "experienced" OW "advising" (gag me) other OW to go "no contact" (anyone see the irony of that?) until MM shows up with papers in hand.

For some reason they think that divorce/separation papers will work the magic they wish and they'll live happily ever after. Another fable from lala land.

In my case, I did as my husband asked (didn't know about MB), but I made myself the petitioner and let him physically file the papers. Then I nonsuited the case a couple of days before it was final.

EXACTLY..this must be in the OW HANDBOOK..GAG...

Same as in my situation..my H wanted ME to do it so he didn't FEEL GUILTY about what SHE wanted him to do...YUCK...

And, in the end, HE just wanted THE PAPERS..had NO real PLAN to actually DIVORCE me...or to MARRY her...

ok - what else do i do after withdrawing papers? How do I implement Plan A? I have no idea. Please help!!

Step No. 1: DO IT and then tell him: "I've withdrawn the papers because I want to work on our marriage".

PLAN A is going to be ALL about what YOU want to do and ARE doing..NOT AT ALL ABOUT HIM . It will be necessary for you to work on TRYING to IGNORE what he says and what is doing.

I KNOW that this is a DIFFICULT, if not, almost IMPOSSIBLE TASK...but IGNORE him, you must TRY to do...

THIS IS ABOUT YOU..being as STRONG as YOU can POSSIBLY BE...putting forth a FIGHT for your MARRIAGE...

THE WAYWARD will do everything possible to get you to BACK DOWN...

FULL FORCE AHEAD!!!

DON'T FILE OR GO ON WITH THE DIVORCE IF YOU DON'T WANT IT!

Yes, I agree...OW wants this. Don't give her that satisfaction if you're fighting for your marriage!

My WH filed and the info looked a bit "weird" on his complaint and I waited 20 days to file a response. The divorce was dismissed May 13, 2008 and OW and him are no longer together.

Browneyes.....

Sweetie, you are a mess. I know how you feel. I've been there, done that, wrote the book AND bought the T-shirt. You have to get well and stronger or you will NEVER survive this....and that is not what you want....

so, lets take the focus off of your M and your WS and lets put it back on you for a minute.....

I read that you have been to the DR. and got some anti-D's, is that right? When did all of this take place???? And, if you don't want to share, that's ok, but what did your DR. prescribe and what dose??? When is your follow-up appt.??? And what are you being treated for (that may sound funny, but is it depression, anxiety, panic attacts...everyone is different, and the symptoms are not the same...)??

I ask you these questions because you are all over the place and we need to get you righted. This is very important in all of this. And not only that, but the tears do not really work. Oh sure, they may make the WS feel bad and awful, but they will not bring them home. You will come across as needy, weak, and spineless and honey, that's what the OW needs to look like (and by some of your posts, she is doing a GREAT job of that....you need to come across as the better alternative....).

So, lets get you started, because you will eventually learn and come to believe, that Plan A is not about WINNING your WS back, its about YOU becoming the BEST YOU you can be.....which is why Queenie is so strong. It was a very long journey for her and it didn't happen overnight, BUT she has come through this better than ever.....

Hang in there....and ANSWER those questions....I'm praying for you....

not2fun

Browneyes....

I know that last post sounded a little harsh. But let me give you a little background on me....

My Dday was Nov. 25, 2008. So I am not so far removed from all of my WS A mess (in fact we have only just begun RECOVERY....). I have said this before and I'll repeat it again. The ONLY reason I did not just completely fell apart and died right then and there is because I was already on AD's when I found out (I suffer from acute anxiety and panic attacks, which bring on bouts of depression...been on them for 4 yrs....but that is a whole nother story...). Two days after DDay, I went to my DR. and told her exactly what was going on, she upped my doseage and gave me some Xanax. All that helped me EMOTIONALLY deal with this, and then I got "Surviving an Affair" and found MB. All of these things combined got me to where I am today. BUT it all started with help from my Dr. and the AD's.

Now, DO NOT feel bad for being on them. That is a false lie that society has put on people dealing with depression. The fact of the matter is you are dealing with a situation that DR. Harley states is worse than rape and even the death of a child. WEll, I don't know about those, but I do know that is WORSE than dealing with your child being molested (that was the original reason I went on them in the first place...). So, again, DO NOT FEEL BAD. It is not your fault. In fact, it takes a STRONG person to admit that they cannot do this alone and that they need help. Being on AD's is NOT a reflection of who you are. It is a reflection on what travesty your WS is putting YOU through.

So, I just wanted to clear that up. And you will get better, that I promise. You will get stronger. That I promise as well. Stay with us on here, keep up with your appt.'s, and lets get you taking care of YOU.....

(((((Browneyes))))))

Hang in there.....one day the sun will be shining again....

not2fun