Slagging on WB by saying he lacks "moral fiber" is pretty lame if you ask me. Who cares about him?

Whether or not WB "respects" your fatherhood is irrelevant. I have no idea what that even means. I guess it means he's not planning to kidnap your child, or something.

Your wife is sweet. I can see why you miss her.

Sorry man. She'll hurt you however she wants and when you complain or resist she'll accuse you of being unreasonable, or of deserving it, or of hurting her first. When a wayward person does these things consistently for a long enough period, like her entire adult life for instance, she shows clearly that she will leave anyone, anyone in her wake in her effort to satisfy her needs.

On this subject I recommend last night's edition of Speaking of Faith, particularly the interview with Kevin Griffin.

Hey dude,

DS's dad right now? She must not get that part of parenting where you are parents until
death. You would think the fog would get tiring on them and cause such bad moods... tsk tsk tsk...

LOL, GC that was beautiful and I needed such a laugh... Thanks.

James, seriously... you have to be proud of all the growth and faith that you carry inside your soul these days. I'm truly sure G-d is and so going to bless you one day for your obedience.

Queenie.. she doesn't get that part, and that's the biggest problem.

It's FOO issues for her to be honest, and while that doesn't excuse it, I at least have an understanding of how her life has colored her perceptions. This sort of talk from her really doesn't suprise me at all. Why? Maybe it's because I expect the venom lately, and if Wonderboy really is having an attack of conscience then certainly SOMEONE has to be to blame for it.

Last night though was as if nothing had ever happened.. she called me back after I was done talking with DS wanting to know if I knew where his new jacket was.. then this morning I get an email letting me know that she's without a cell phone for a while because she's fighting with the phone company and blah blah blah..

The speculation engine figures that my lack of response to that email.. clearly designed to draw me into a fight.. causes her to stick her toe a little deeper into the water to see if I'm still there.

I realize that I shouldn't have responded -if- my goal is restoration... but I did.. I thanked her for the heads up and offered to transfer her suspended cell that is on our family plan to an independent one for much cheaper than she could start a new one, and told her I'd look for the jacket and suggested she contact the daycare as I don't remember it coming home recently. No mention of the email etc.

I don't know if it's apathy, indifference, or if I'm just stronger now. But it's good to have regained enough control of my life that I no longer allow myself to get all twisted up by her drama anymore.

Meaning it got cut off 'cause she's having trouble keeping WB in the lifestyle to which he has become accustomed.

You're a better man than me James. OH wait, you ARE a man! LOL

Sounds like her head is stuck the spin cycle... Whoosh.... fog babble... whoosh... sweetness... whoosh.... fog babble... whoosh...

That makes for some real crazymaking, be on guard.

I totally agree with this.

I'm not sure how I ended up in this mode, but I've found a way to be at peace with the whole situation if I respond -only- if she's being civil, but once the spew starts I'm off.

Maybe I should stick to training my dog..

You and me learning to get out of the crazymaking is G-d working in our lives. I would imagine, and maybe I am wrong, that while you were together there was lots of turmoil and drama in your life?

And then the A and now how she tries to draw you in, and you didn't. That's G-d in your life, working hard at turning you into the loving MAN he envisions for you.

How totally cool is that.

Did you read Charlynne Cares yesterday. Pretty awesome... And appropriate for us.









I thinks it a pretty safe bet that G-d removed us from their insanity and sick behavior to work on us becoming the people he envisions and well, wanted us safe as much as possible from the toxicity of the WS's...

One way to look is that we are safe and healing. And just get to keep walking in FAITH and TRUST with that one who knows the bigger picture.

{{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}

I loved it, you caused another argument between them.

He got pissed that you called yourself her husband (the NERVE of you).

He whined to her.

She came up with this email about how it's hurting DS, bla bla bla.

LOL! Point goes to .....................................James!

God did not put the children in a position where the OM sees them more then their father. Removing parents from the insanity of a marriage is all well and good until children are harmed. I don't believe for one second that God would move Jame's to safety, while leaving his children there to suffer. Nope, not for a second.

Jame's wife is clearly of the wayward mindset...but she is right...she is no longer his wife...no matter what the paperwork says. And even though it is a terrible situation, James would do well to not make such inflammatory comments to the man that is spending so much time with his kids. It can and most likely will, at some point, be taken out on them.

There was some frustration, and typically a little tension rolling just underneath the surface. I think what it boiled down to was assigning responsibility to the other for something that was on OUR agenda.. we were both guilty of this.

Our parenting styles differ in what SHOULD be complimentary ways but while I understood the benefit of her 'style' IN ADDITION to my own.. she wasn't so understanding of the motivations and reasons behind mine.. really though as a result of this on MOST cases we were a pretty good team, and the kids learned the life lessons they needed to learn with a minimum of required repetition.

But going back to your question there was very little 'drama' in our lives. Certainly much drama in our families and surrounding us, but between her and I, things were pretty harmonious. We always pulled together when the drama got intense and always took refuge in eachother.. this is really the first time either of us has made a BIG decision on our own.. to disasterous result I may add. But to be completely honest with you Queenie.. my wife was my rock, the one person I felt I could go to and let it all out without having to be on guard.. I could have a horrible day and just hold her and in that moment nothing could touch me. I don't trust easily to begin with.. and this, well I have no idea what impact it may have on future relationships where trust is concerned.

I do feel like I'm growing though.. and avoiding other peoples drama really isn't difficult for me... avoiding my wife's drama on the other hand.. well.. that's tough.

Yeah.. now if only it had been premeditated I could take credit for it.. but seriously.. if the [censored] wants to ask who's calling I got no problems telling him.

I rarely refer to myself in the third person anyhow.. typically when people are trying to figure out -who- I am.. I try to give it to them in the most expedient terms that will convey who I am in relation to them so that they can quickly place me and we can get past the stupid 'where do I know you from' type conversations.

ETA: Best example I can think of is when talking with a parent of one of DD's softball teammates I may give my name.. but the part that identifies me to them is 'I'm DD's dad... she plays softball with your little girl'...

Besides.. I have a difficult time believing that me being her husband is much of a suprise to wonderboy.. I think it's just that they've had the reality filter on for so long that it's a little jarring when it flashes on occasion.

My aim however is improving.


Seriously though.. I saw W tonight when she came to pick up DS.

I'm not triggered, but from my position in the blind, observing the primates in their natural habitat I must admit to being a bit puzzled by the behavior.

She was late, about 15 minutes or so.. apologizes for it (I realize that she's been more apologetic about this or that lately than she has been in our entire marriage).. then mentions that work has been crazy.

So.. in my Plan A the W Plan B the WW holding pattern..

I ask if everything is ok.. well she goes into some drama going on at work with one of the partners in the firm.. sounds pretty ugly and it's left her with a pile of work. I commiserate a little bit... there's lots of eye contact... it's easygoing... it's.. well..

comfortable.

For the first time.. I was really relaxed and she invited me to meet some EN's a little bit in that I was always her confidant before (obviously not about -everything-.. but that's all part of the B part of BS)...

So why the confusion?

Well.. I'm supposed to be this unrespectable childish blah blah just a few days ago right?

Leaves me in my little observation post scratching my beautiful bald head.. pretty sure that those sirens in the background ought to mean something to me.

All I can say is that compared to where you were a number of months ago.....I like your approach.

You've kept your focus on your children and yourself by being who you are and gotten some control back of a poor situation. Stay focussed on this approach as it is working for you. Be cautious in changing it.

James:

When you call, and the person who answers asks who you are, you state "Her Husband" and leave it at that.

She can send an email EACH TIME. That's her right. ANd her waywardness.

When the final divorce is gaveled by the judge, then you can answer "James" Until then, your still her husband.

Was she pleasant last night? Sure. She stopped at your house on the way home. She will talk to WB for the rest of the evening. The contrast may be good for her to see.

WB: Waa, Waa, Waa, "your HUSBAND called.." Waa, Waa, Waa...

James: Yes, partner A is like that, I remember your other issues with him, and eye contact....

Quite a contrast.

That's Plan A. That's Plan Aing the W and Plan Bing the WW.

Disappointing that you haven't heard form the Eval person yet.

Stay after it.

LG

Based on your example i suggest the next time you call you respond "Im WW's husband, you know, the one you are having an adulterous relationship with!" -He should have no trouble placing you.

Nah.. I think i'm going to keep it simple like LG here says.


I like this.. mostly because it's what I -have- been doing all along.

My outlook on it is that I've never lied to her or about her, and I ain't fixing to start just yet.



Not planning to change it really, as like I said I've grown pretty comfortable in it. I just have to understand that this holding pattern I'm in that's keeping me from Plan B and peace is simply going to be a little tougher because I don't have the cover of Plan B to avoid the shrapnel of her little explosions.

I'm doing ok with this, but don't mind telling you guys that it's very draining.



I guess I realize this, though it just felt kind of natural to let her vent -to- me rather than -at- me. And the philosophy lately is to be cool when she isn't spewing vitrol, and to be gone when she is. If -that- is the big secret to Plan A (well apart from the mega bullet point of 'Avoid LB'ing').. then we need to start stressing this point a bit more.. because maybe I've heard it a few times before.. but it wasn't until I actually put it into practice (very difficult to get used to.. suprisingly easy to execute though).. my mental health has been much improved... as has my interactions with WW.

I suppose what really has me confused is how she can be so twisted up as the person who sent that email on Saturday night.. and then come Wednesday be... well.. the woman I fell in love with years ago.


Agreed 110%.. though no news is better than bad news. Maybe she's following up on some things, completing background checks.. I don't know?

Because she's wayward, remember? She's insane.

Roll with it. Maybe shake your head over the confusion, but don't break your head trying to figure it out or decipher it or the like. I know you know better than that.

If WB doesn't like having the reality of his situation pointed out to him, then maybe he shouldn't jerk you around by asking who's calling. I'm with LG--keep replying that way. WB actually taking something out on the kids is probably the quickest way to bring about the end of the affair.

Right.. don't lunge eh?

I suppose you're right though, the little encounter changes nothing.. just another pebble in the stream.



We have a winner!


I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but I hope you'll understand when I say that this is the last way on earth I want to see their R end.. If he starts taking his frustrations out on my kids, I'll probably be writing future updates from jail.

{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}

You continue to be my light of strength and commitment to building a relationship with G-d and walking in his faith.

thank you my friend....

Another holiday weekend passed and today I'm struggling a little, and honestly I'm not entirely sure just how to let it go.


The weekend with DS was pretty good all told. We had a good time and took it easy Friday night and just played around the house. I think he was really content spending more time with me these past couple of weeks. I had him the 15th, and then the 16th-18th, the 21st, and the 23rd-26th. All told out of the last 14 days I've had 9 of them.. which will be the norm if custody goes my way, but with it being 2 weekends in a row due to the holiday it was kind of special.

We went to the big race on Sunday and DS and DD had an absolute blast. Lots of funny stories came out of the long wait in the queue to park or to get out of the track area but all told we had a very exciting day, and DD learned a few new vocabulary words she wasn't too sure about courtesy of her heroine Danica Patrick's pit row collision and the track-scanners that let you listen in on team radios.


I got to visit with DSD's grandparents on Saturday for a bit, and it seems that they got to spend quite a bit of time Saturday night, all day Sunday and a fair portion of Monday with DSD. This is what leads me to triggering...

Without going into too much detail.. my heart aches for DSD in so many ways.

Wonderboy has now become 'Daddy'
Why? Because he's nice and he's going to adopt her (WW is trying to get her Ex H's parental rights removed remember? One fast track way to do that in Indiana is to prove abandonment and an adoptive 'parent').


DSD is the 'maid'.. -daily- chores include: Dishes, Sweep/mop kitchen floor, pick up/clean her room and DS's room.
She's 8, almost 9 FFS... I can understand chores but what do the ADULTS do????


DSD is often left with 'mommy's friends' or the disaster that is WW's younger sister.


WW claims to not have the time for DSD to continue in gymnastics and cheerleading.

The easter basket that got sent home from me for DSD was DESTROYED AND TRASHED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
Why? Because it made 'daddy' mad..

And if that wasn't enough the comment that both gives me a bit of relief, but at the same time boils my blood.. twice DSD informed the grandparents that 'Mommy says I can't talk to James anymore, because he asks too many questions'

Now I tell you I might have asked a few quesions here and there.. but I can promise you all they were natural follow-up questions out of concern for her and comments she made in the course of conversation about WW or Wonderboy.. I've even told her that I'd rather not hear about them..

He who hides nothing has nothing to hide.

It breaks my heart though that WW is destroying my relationship with DSD just so she can continue to lie and deceive everyone, including herself about the ugliness and wrongness of all of this..

*sigh*

I know better than to ask why..

I just don't 'get it' I guess.... how in the world the woman I thought I knew so well.... could be this selfish, shallow, ugly, and cold... to her daughter.

I struggle when things make absolutely no sense.. and this.. this makes absolutely no sense at all.

Why doesn't that little girl's grandparents do anything?

I've mentioned this before James, and you didn't like it too much, but that little girl has a dad somewhere. Maybe he was too young, too immature or too devastateted by your ex to fight for his daughter when you entered the picture, but things may be different now.

You should, if you care for that little girl, call her dad and let him know what is going on over in that house. Maybe, just maybe he can do something. Maybe not, but she is worth at least one person fighting for her to have a normal life with a full time, stable dad in it.

When he was in the picture, remember he had to deal with you driving his daughter to and from his visitations.

My DD's dad didn't start out the best dad in the world, but he did end up that way, given the chance and a little push from a few concerned people, me included.