AH, yes! That was my dad too. He'd let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, then BOOOOOM! He'd just explode and I recall being tugged around by my ears a couple of times.

One of the issues that I'm having with my DS4 is that he procrastinates going to the bathroom. Sometimes he waits too long and then has a slight accident in his pants. I'm talking #2 by the way. I get really frustrated with this and I've hollered at him about it more than once. DD was much easier with this sort of thing. I only ever had to tell her something once and she'd get it. The boy is either stubborn or just doesn't take anything seriously until I come down on him harder. Then he gets it, but I hate upsetting him.

Seabird, from a former preschool teacher, how would you feel about having him "go potty" every two hours? What time of the day does he have his BM? What do you think about having him sit down for 5 minutes a day at that time?

I wouldn't be averse to it, but often times I will find the mess at the end of the day and learn from him that it happened while he was in school (Montessori program). I have spoken to his teachers and his mother about it and they all assure that they'll redouble their efforts. DD6 reports to me that he doesn't usually have any problems at his mother's house. Just with me and at school. I'm not sure if that's a result actually indicative of anything.

It's not like he's afraid to come to me and let me know he has to go. For a long time, he would go, then not clean himself up well enough and leave a subsequent mess in his pants. I had to drill it into him to tell a grown up when he was going and to ask for help checking afterward.

It's like it goes in one ear and out the other, and the only way to get it to "stick" is through negative reinforcement.

He's actually getting better at it. I just wish I had more patience.

Let me be clear... I'm not worried about him. I know he'll get it. I'm more worried about my being too impatient and stern and that it will affect our relationship down the line.

Seabird, if this continues please take him to the pediatrician to be checked out. My younger brother always has trouble with messy pants, and was literally screamed at by our father. Dad tried every type of negative reinforcement with no luck.

Finally, my db fell very sick and they took him to the doctor who diagnosed an advanced case of colitis (inflammatory bowel disease). I've always thought that these two issues were combined.

SB and Otterwoman...

I have two perspectives...one is to reinforce Otterwoman (aka WebFootGirl)...



When I was six, I had eye surgery...and in a bed next to mine was a boy a year older in for surgery for the same thing...so I know it happens. Felt really badly for him...and of course, he felt really badly for me.

Perspective.

I also know from raising boys how much they don't want to slow down for what is necessary. I thought it was stubbornness...rather than how locked-onto focus they were in what they were doing that they ignored themselves.

I think your awareness is great, SB...won't be the worst nor the last issue...and I don't believe he doesn't experience the same thing at his mother's, btw.

Worth a double-check at a pediatrician's...and maybe from that authority he can be told the possible consequences to his rush or not going soon enough. A separate voice. Promotes good self-care, not about your inconvenience...I believe your concern is primarily for his well-being.

LA

Thanks guys, and you're both right. Mine is primarily a health concern, though I was thinking more from a hygienic perspective. A discussion with his Ped might be in order. I will talk to his mother about it to get her buy-in as well.

I also agree with LA that I suspect his issue has more to do with impatience. He doesn't want to stop what he's doing and waits until after it's too late. Or he rushes through the job to get back to what he was doing earlier.

Hmmm... Are there any good time management materials for preschoolers out there?

That's kind of understandable. Right now, he gets more "fun time" if he doesn't break than if he does. That's why the mandatory potty breaks work so well. I don't know any parents of preschoolers among my friends who DON'T have their kids do this. If you have him break regularly, like every two hours, to go to the potty, and he doesn't get to go back to his toys until he's gone, then it is more in his best interest to go and do it right the first time. But it's just one idea, and I'm sure there are lots more.

Seabird, LA recommended to me Between parent and Child as a great parenting book. I think it'll really help you find positive ways to parent that even feel more natural to you that the negative reinforcement does.

That's good advice EO. I take for granted how easy DD6 was at that age. She set a relatively high benchmark I think. It's nice to know that his behavior isn't unusual subpar for his age. I'll check the book out too.

Seabird, I totally understand about the different siblings. We went through a similar thing with DD7, where at 3 she unknowingly created a huge constipation problem because she held it in until it became too hard to push out. We were used to our older daughter, who never needed reminding. It actually was a really painful problem and took a year of prescription laxative before she really got through it.

Just a quick reply re. holding it in/waiting too long/ having accidents:

DS6b does this as well. Actually H is very patient with this, as far as I've always seen. The info posted here is helpful to me also, esp. getting him checked by a pediatrician.

I wanted to put this out there: my mom thinks he can't always "feel" when he needs to go. I remind him to go when I notice him wiggling too much, like in a hyperactive way (not always the "bathroom dance") or sometimes it shows up by him getting too rowdy with his brother. Sometimes he seems to not know whether he's had an accident or not, or whether he's cleaned himself off good enough or not.

I got savvy to him wiggling around because he used to have issues with waiting too long on #1.

I think ya'll have just helped me to discover something. Instead of just telling him to "go now", I'd ask him, "Do you need to go?". Nine times out of ten, he'd tell me "no".

Thanks for the feedback, and for allowing this slight DJ!


*sigh* I've tried, but H *really* doesn't like talking about "emotional" stuff. I can't recall details of a specific time but I have tons of images of me walking around the house following him, trying to have a conversation while he walks from room to room. At this point I figure me trying to have discussions is an AH to him or maybe even an SD.

I'll update my thread in a minute to follow this train of thought some more, esp. re. stuff happening on this trip.

I very much identify with having seen and/or experienced stuff in my FOO, and promising myself to always protect my kids.


The DJs are from me taking what one DS says and assuming that H is in the wrong without knowing all the details. Sometimes I don't assume, I honestly am asking him for more information, but he sees it as I have already formed my opinion. And sometimes he thinks my just asking for more information is disrespectful. I think he sees that as me claiming a right to "judge" whether or not I approve of his actions, so even just asking for information is bad.

I just had a thought: maybe if I brought it to him in the form of POJA. Because IMHO we each DO have the right (and IMHO a responsibility) to agree or disagree with the other's parenting styles when those styles pass a certain point. POJA is a good way of putting it.


I dunno, my intuition tells me a conversation like that would just annoy H. But I could try it, perhaps after first framing the request for such a conversation along the lines of POJAing the parenting.

Yes, we now tell DS6b to go, even if he says he doesn't need to. He's gotten better about admitting that he actually does need to go.

It happens more outside the house I think - like at school, or if he thinks there isn't a bathroom available like in a store etc.

I had another thought, that I want to try when we return from our trip: how about having some book or coloring book, or a toy like an Etch-A-Sketch or something, that is kept in the bathroom and is only for use in the bathroom?

We took DD7 to the pediatric urologist yesterday because she all of a sudden started getting frequent, severe UTIs. He told us to get her on a schedule, every two hours, and to put her back on the laxatives, since we don't know if that's contributing. He said that there's a watch that we can get that vibrates every two hours to let her know it's time to go. I guess every kid really is different.

"I've tried, but H *really* doesn't like talking about "emotional" stuff. I can't recall details of a specific time but I have tons of images of me walking around the house following him, trying to have a conversation while he walks from room to room. At this point I figure me trying to have discussions is an AH to him or maybe even an SD."

In your thread, I was brainstorming some ideas about finding how to bring your O&H into your marriage. About together viewing your O&H as necessary and helpful to building a strong M instead of annoying.

• Calling the Harleys together or on your own
• Rereading the Conversation is Boring aricle, seeing if something grabs you differntly this time
• the book Telly recommended, How To Improve Your Marriage Wihtout Talking About It
• Brainstorming with your H

My daughter had the same problem. Wow, that brings back a bad memory. My evil stepmother, the one who told CPS that my husband was abusive to try to get rid of him, also contacted them once before, when she was 3 or 4, because she had come by her preschool and for some reason the lady there told her that D had a discharge on her underwear - the UTI, but my stepmother called CPS and told them it must be my husband doing something to her. I should have sued her then. None of the rest of our problems would have happened.

Ears,

Make sure your daughter is drinking enough water, too...

Wow, cat, I can only imagine how painful that must've been.

Wow... I have to admit that I am literally taken aback by the number of "potty" issues parents and their children have. My memories are pretty clear going back to before I was 3, and I never had any accidents of my own.

But now that I think about it, I do recall some anxiety with my daughter. Hmmmm... And it was my anxiety! I would get nervous about taking her anywhere because I dreaded having to take her into a men's bathroom (always nasty, filthy places). I was constantly on her to go before just before we left in the car, and then I'd moderate her fluid intake if I knew we were going to be out for a while. I'd simply tell her that where we were going didn't have a potty and so she'd have to be careful. For a while, it got to where she'd hesitate leaving the house with us unless I reassured her that where we were going did indeed have a potty.

I might have headed off some accidents in my attempts to merely try and avoid having to take her into a men's public restroom.

Thanks, Telly, yep, we're working on the water as a family, too. That's going to be the easy part, as it is REALLY hot this time of year.

"Wow... I have to admit that I am literally taken aback by the number of "potty" issues parents and their children have. My memories are pretty clear going back to before I was 3, and I never had any accidents of my own"

Hi Seabird, I remember my mom having us go to the bathroom, and on us to drink water, and sunblock, and brushing our teeth, and homework, and cleaning our rooms. She used to tell me, "I hope your kids are just like you," meaning that she hopes that my kids give me grief by never remembering stuff the way I did. I remember thinking, I'm not going to be on my kids all day over every issue the way she does. Funny how that woman gets smarter and smarter the older I get LOL.