Well, I have successfully made it through another day to bedtime! I started my masters classes today and had 2 papers due today! Nothing like easing into things, I guess this is no different than life, jump in with both feet or don't jump in!
Okay, so I am working on my Plan B revisions, but I don't know what is next, is there another step or is it just everyday moving forward and praying for the pain to dull and trying to find ways to be happy alone indefinitely now? I mean I just don't know what I should be doing, I am still praying for my WH and this OW and her family. I am a little afraid to ask, but want to know: what are the statistics of marriages that go to plan B that then do get to recovery vs go on to divorce? How should I be preparing myself now? I guess you all have noticed I am not to strong in the patience/sitting still department!
I had a rough day with my family, they all but threw a party to celebrate the fact that I am no longer entertaining my WH and that it looks as if it is final and that he is gone permanently, I know they love me and want what is best, but they aren't Christians and don't understand about forgiveness and God's best, SO I guess I am looking for a dose of hope/reality check whichever it is so that I can know. I still miss my husband, but I know that I am going to be okay alone with the children, but would love to have my best friend and companion back, but know that I don't need it. I vasilate on these, I know that I will be okay and that God will refine me and is refining me and that I will successfully make it to the other side of this journey either way, but the human me would just like a hint of the future. Does he repent or does he remain trapped in his sin, stay tuned for the rest of the story! You know that old radio guy that always says and now you know...the rest of the story.
Have a great night!

The chances of you being back with your husband are greater than being apart. You just need to hang in there and make a nice life in the meantime. Affairs almost always end, and even though it seems like they won't, they still do.

Your family loves you and wants to protect you. They are behaving just like everyone who hasn't been through this. So love them, and appreciate what they are trying to do.

Thank you Believer, I really needed a kind encouraging word. My first day back at college yesterday was intense, and the kids are having a very hard time with him being totally gone, they miss their dad, understandably eventhough he was an a** for the past year he was still here and it was comforting, then my parents, it was just a long and lonely day!

I think if we could get out to get things done without having to be a burden to anyone it would help enormously with my self esteem. I know people care about us and want to help, but it would be nice if I had my own car to be able to care for us as needed! BUT, all good things come to those who wait patiently upon the Lord, and I know that he will return over and above what the locusts ate (my car, my bed, my husband, my dining room table and chairs....) I am just naming them so I can look back and see later how silly and meaningless it really is when I can think straight.

I find it amazing how we as individuals change in a lifetime. I know for me the changes in the past year are so huge, I can't even believe it. I look in the mirror and see such a different person staring back, I just need to figure out how to love her and make her happy. Right now I really need to focus on my temper, I have such a short fuse with the frustrations of everyday, I need to find something that I love to make me happy and take the edge off of the sadness and loss.

Hi klb,

You love your kids and you love the Lord. That is a pretty full life. I don't know how anyone gets through this pain without a strong faith and a close personal relationship with Christ. Your masters program should occupy your mind for long stretches of time and your children will make you laugh.

We are all changed through the grief of infidelity. I have watched the journeys of many on these forums throughout the past year. Many change for the better. Some become bitter and cynical whether their marriage is recovered or not. The road is the same but the journey is intensely personal.

I "celebrate" today my own milestone. Our D-day was one year ago today. I say celebrate because I find no sorrow in the date itself. It was the turning point in our marriage and the beginning of a better me. The face I saw in the mirror this morning will never be the same as it was one year ago because I am forever changed. So is my FWH. So is our marriage but different in our case has become better.

I pray that for you in one year but I am confident that whether your marriage is intact or not, you will be a better person. A better mom. I sense a very strong person seeking God's will for your life. Your children will follow your lead.

Say

I would agree!

I would say that her lawyer is not the biggest factor here...BUT, he should be changed if there is a question as to competence. If you let me know your location in PA, I may be able to offer you a suggestion.

As far as full custody, that is a long shot absent neglect or abuse. The 50/50 split does NOT sound consistent with what is normally handed out in these cases. I would consult with another attorney...preferably a woman, to get her feedback.

As has already been suggested, start keeping a very detailed log of times with each parent, missed visits, school issues, doctor visits, etc. Be thorough and start this now...it will be invaluable later.

Best of luck.

We got full custody of my FWH's children about twelve years ago in PA. Similiar situation. FWH left the marital home with the children and his xw was content to let him do all of the care for many months until the divorce was final and I entered the picture. By that time the damage had been done. FWH had documented the general lack of concern (missed visitation, weeks with no contact) and he got full legal custody.

Our attorney never blinked an eye when we told him that was what we wanted. It was not an easy task but at least we went into it knowing that our attorney thought he could do it.

Say

I am in Reading, PA

I am just east of Pittsburgh but we travel your way often to see our new grandson.

really where are they?
I went to IUP and have family in Hollsopple (just outside of Johnstown)

Small world on MB. (:

Yes, it truly is a small world!

I am trying very hard to find happiness and enjoy my children and do all the things that everyone has suggested, but I am really about to blow! I love my children, but I am so sick and tired of all the whining and laziness! Everytime we try to sit down to do school they have some excuse of what they need to do, then I start to yell and holler and I have just absolutely had it!!!! No one even cares one bit that I am trying or that I need help. All chores have stopped, no one even tries at all anymore. All forward momentum has stopped! I am getting to the exasperation point. I can't get to the grocery store, I can't get away from them (my family nor friends haven't been willing/able to babysit since H left), I love them and want to be a good mom, but I have not had ANY time alone to cry vent or deal with the emotions of my H's choices and leaving. I am just stuffing it all inside and I don't know what to do, oh yeah and since I don't have a car I had to stop counseling, so I don't even have that all I have is this board, and I know that this is for support not counseling and fixing me!

I really just want one day to just go smoothly and not think about my H and his choices and suffer the consequences of his actions! I hope that he starts suffering/reaping the consequences of his choices and actions soon. I mean really he has no obligations and responsibilities except to put $500 a week into our account. He has seen his kids 3 times and has called them 2 times in 10 weeks!!!!! How can anyone be that selfish, heartless, cruel and stupid!!!!!!!!! I just don't understand any of this. I want so badly to hate him, and even though I say these things I can't make myself hate him, I get angry and then all I feel is just grief and overwhelming sorrow for my H, for the loss of my best friend, and the consequences that we are all paying, except him, for his actions!
I know that someday he will have to pay/stand in judgement for his choices, but it just seems so unfair. Not that life ever is, but...
I JUST WANT TO FEEL AGAIN, TO FEEL HAPPY AT SOMETHING, REAL NOT FAKE OR STAGED HAPPINESS!!!!!!

When does this numb nothing feeling go away?

Some days I feel as if I am moving on and doing good and then others it is as if this horrible crushing weight is on me and I don't know if I can make it through another minute let alone another day or possibly lifetime!!!!

First off, calm down. I understand your frustration but yelling at your kids is only going to make this worse. Their world has been turned upside too...yet, you are the one that needs to hold it all together for them.

Call social services, a friend, a family member. Get some help...and stop yelling. This is not your children's fault and should not be taken out on them in any way.

{{{{{{{{KLB}}}}}}}}


I understand everything you have said. You are not alone. You will get through this. There will come a time when your smile is real again and your laugh isn't forced.

I wish I could tell you it will be soon. But the truth is, it is a ways off.

But Plan B will help you get there because you will not deal with the daily drama of affairland.

(((KLB)))

This may very well be the hardest thing you will ever deal with in your life. You do not go through this trial quickly or easily. I cannot even imagine your pain. The numbness and grief of betrayal stayed with me for about six months before I even started to pull out of it and my H never saw or spoke to OW after I found out and confronted him.

These forums are for support but you will also get very good counsel here. We have all been through varying degrees of what you are going through and although the outcomes have also been varied, you can read many success stories. All marriages have not been restored but most have come through as a better person thanks to MB and the friends on this forum.
Keep doing what you are doing KLB in the best way that you can right now. Remember that your little ones are as confused and unhappy as you are but they are little. Sometimes it sucks to be big. Come here to vent and ask questions. Cry when they sleep. Keep praying. Know that you have friends.

Say

Do you listen to worship music? Do you like to dance? Do you like bubble baths? Do you like walks? What helps you relax?

Whatever it is, do it. Fill up the bath tub after the kids go to bed, light some candles and soak for awhile, if you enjoy that.

Crank up some worship music and sing and dance before the Lord. It is an amazing experience that is soley between you and the Lord.

Can you ask a neighbor (if you have one you trust) to watch the kids for 30 minutes while you take a walk alone?

Is there a local homeschool teen that could come and watch the kids for you? Before my oldest were teens, I had one come over and I ran errands on that day. We homeschooled 4 days a week, and the off day was my grocery/errand day.


Be creative in finding help for yourself.

I am sorry you feel so alone. I had some very close friends who were here for me daily. They literally saved me at times.

Are there 2-3 women that you can ask for help. If you asked 2-3 women if they would be willing to rotate helping you once a week, then each woman would only have to commit 1 day every 2 or 3 weeks.

Does your church have a women's ministry leader that you can go to and express your need or the pastor's wife? They may know of a few women (maybe older ladies) who would be willing to help.

Are you involved in a homeschool group or co-op? Most of my help came from my homeschooling friends.

You are carrying a heavy burden right now. You need some people to come along side of you and help carry you through. THAT is what the body of Christ is all about.

As far as your children are concerned.

Just be the best mom you can be. It is OK to stop schooling right now. There are more important lessons for your children. Start summer break or plan a new summer schedule that is lighter on you but keeps them somewhat busy.

Ideas...

books on tape
educational computer programs
Nest Bible or History movies & activity books
Explode the Code workbooks
math drill books on concepts they already know (Modern Curriculum Press has some good cheap ones)
Bible/handwriting copywork from A Reason for Writing
a checklist with an exercise routine (10 sit ups, 5 pushups, 25 jumping jacks, and so forth)
an exercise video they can follow along to
Discovery Toys Thinking Tiles
Pattern Blocks

When I was teaching my older 3 and had a preschooler and toddler running around, I had stations set up that they rotated through. For example, at a small table I had a basket with activities they could do during the 30 minutes they were assigned to that table (puzzles, coloring, playdough, etc.) Then they would rotate to floor play and use they toys in that area (wooden blocks, Brio train, matchbox cars), then they moved to the audiocassette player and listened to books on tape, Bible stories or songs (the Donut Man is great), then they had an exercise video, and so forth.

I made them a list so that they would know where to go next. I set the timer for 30 minutes and they were off. I tried to mix it up so that 30 minutes were on their own (while I worked w/ an older sibling), then 30 minutes interacting with me or very close by (the small "quiet" table was next to our school table).

My toddler was in a playpen for 30 minutes in the same room with his oldest sibling, while I worked with someone else. Then he was in the room with me on the floor playing. Then he was in a high chair next to me eating Cheerios while I was teaching someone else.

I'm just trying to share some ideas with you. If you want me to be more specific to your particular situation, share more with me about how you "do" school.

Some ideas for discipline...

Right now your emotions are running so high that it is very easy to react to their behavior in a stronger way than usual. So it is even more important to have a PLAN or SYSTEM in your discipline.

Here are some ideas that I've used or have been shared with me by other homeschooling moms (we can be VERY creative):

**Popcycle sticks with daily responsibilities (school & chores) written on them). Each child (of reasonable age) has a cup with these sticks. When they complete the task the move the stick the their "finished" cup. This is very simple to implement and very inexpensive. You could also add a few sticks that are marked with black marker. Whenever they are disobedient or disrespectful, move one of those sticks. If all 3 get moved, then they lose privileges. (I pay my kids 50 cents a day. They lose that as well as computer/phone/videos).

**Daily responsibility checklist.

**Give each child a cup with 10 dimes in it. Everytime they are disobedient or disrepectful, they lose a dime. They keep whatever they have left in their cups at the end of the day.

**Each child has a set of 4 small hooks hanging on the wall. Hook #1 has task cards hanging on it. These are cards that have a picture and words that described the task. Hook #2 is empty and is where they place the cards when they complete the tasks. Hook #3 has 3 red "warning" cards and 2 black lose privileges cards (lose privileges for the day & lose privileges for the week). Hook #4 has reward cards on them...good behavior cards, 50 cent cards, & other rewards I've decided on. If they misbehave, they must move a warning ticket to their rewards hook. If they end up "black carded", they lose the rewards for that day (or week, if it gets that far). This is a system I designed and we love it. There's a bit more to it, but that might be enough to get your creative juices flowing.


You need some kind of simple system so that you are no longer reacting. You need to know ahead of time what discipline to give.

I also have discipline cards for our hooks for: time out on bed, writing assignment, draw a chore out of the chore jar, 50 cent fine...

Once you get a system set up, follow through is the key.

Slow down on you school, and focus on really connecting with your kids and training them up to be helpful, responsible, and caring.

Then you can start back with a more academic load next year.

I'm not saying let them run free all day. We almost always do some kind of school during the summer. Kids with nothing to do, only get bored and irritate each other.

Just keep it simple for now.

Another idea...

put a checklist on their door of what they should do before coming to breakfast...

make bed
wash face & hands
brush teeth
comb hair
get dressed
put pj's away
pray



When my kids were younger, I had a basket that I placed any of their belongings in that they left laying around. They had to earn them back by doing 2 chores from the chore jar.

I need to do that one again. They have not been putting their things away very well.