I would tell her. I would not boast or make a big deal about it. To me, I would want to tell my ex personally rather than have the children innocently relay something and get an unexpected reaction (good or bad). They should feel safe to say anything, and I want to ensure that by keeping good lines of communication open so that nothing is a surprise.

I agree with what others are saying. I also don't think you should wait too too long to introduce her to the kids. By introduce, I mean a quick introduction and that's that. Not a big outing together. Maybe arrange to "bump into" her at the mall or somewhere briefly - long enough to exchange names and any other vital statistic of potential interest to the kids(this is so and so and she works at whereever or lives near something or has a dog or whatever). Second introduction could even be taking the dogs to the park which would be a great non-threatening environment. This way, when you do tell your kids that you have a GF, she is not a complete and total stranger to them. They won't feel like you've had a secret life behind their backs.

Hmmm... You guys are giving me some more food for thought on the time frame to introduce her to the kids. I'm not crazy about the coincidental "bump-into" though. I'd like to keep it as O&H as possible, but without making big deal about it.

I think that I'll still wait a while. We've been seeing each other for almost 3 and a half months now and she's expressed her desire to continue to get to know each other for a while first. I'm not going to rush anyone into anything.

There is no rush. I was just suggesting that rather than making the introduction a big event, start with something that doesn't require the kids to spend a chunk of time with a complete stranger who has somehow become part of dad's life without their knowing. This also allows them to form their own opinions of her without any bias from their opinion of your relationship with her.

Tabby - I totally agree with you about that. I want to make it a non-event; very matter of fact. That's why I was thinking of just a quick introduction as I'm leaving for a couple of hours.

I don't think it would be a traumatic event to my kids because I have left them with a baby-sitter before. I have a couple of girls that I use. Both were teaching-assistants at the boy's Montessori school while in school and are now full-time elementary school teachers. They love the kids and the kids love them, so I have no problems calling on them help.

An interesting note... I did leave the kids with one of the sitters one Friday last month while I went to a movie with the GF (I picked her up at her house). The sitter mentioned that she had sat for the XW once a couple of weeks prior. But a few days later, when the XW found out that I had used the sitter, she was bent out of shape that I didn't ask her to watch the kids first. We have another stipulation in the decree that we each have first right of refusal to keep the kids when the other parent will be gone for over 6 hours. The XW tried pointing to this stipulation and I had to remind her of the 6 hour limit. I then mentioned that I knew she had done the same thing without asking me several weeks earlier and she clammed up. Typically weird, hypocritical XW behavior IMO... I suspect that she's dating, but I don't care. I think she suspects that I'm dating and it bothers her.

My kids met the new GF after 4 months. My Daughters have a problem accepting her still, but it's going good.

To be honest, I'm not all that worried about my kids accepting the GF. DD6 is gregarious to a fault and has even teasingly asked me from time to time if I date. The boy already displays an aloof sensibility to the personal affairs of others. As long as my activities don't interfere with his own, then he's pretty easy going. They weren't at all broken up or hurt by the separation or divorce, and now, almost a year later in a two-home environment, DD6 has only mentioned twice that she "sort of" misses us all being together. Other than that, they act very happy and well-adjusted.

After thinking it over, I believe that children of the opposite sex will have a bigger problem accepting the new interest.

I put myself in their shoes. If MY parents ever divorced, as a BOY, I think I would have a harder time accepting another MAN into the family vs a woman.

Oh, Seabird. Be prepared.

Mine were fine for the first month or two. Then suddenly the younger one developed a dislike for M. "I just don't like him."

It was nothing but fear of losing me and jealousy. Much of it went away when we helped M pick up a brand new car. It's up and down.

Ah... I don't worry too much with that. The irrational fears of children deserve to be recognized, but not indulged IMO. Not saying that you do - just stating where I am with it. My daughter used to get really bent out of shape when her mother and I shared a smooch or an embrace. She had it in her head that she was going to marry me some day and felt that her mommy was overstepping a boundary.

There is nothing irrational about a child fearing becoming "second" once a parent develops a new love interest, one that no matter how hard you try, will in fact change the child's life (some for better, some for worse). You can dispel those fears by demonstrating, over time, that the good will outweigh the bad, but to dismiss the fears of a child seems a little selfish, the same words that every divorce-pushing parent said - "the kids will adjust". Sure, what choice do they have?.


I am sure you understand that a smooch between two parents is different than a smooch betwen a parent and a non-parent. The parents are both completely devoted to the child, easing the sense of competition. The non-parent is not in the same position, and in my experience, you can expect some amount of, hmm, not competition, but certainly competition for your time, attention, etc. BTDT. It is a minefield, and as all minefields, it takes careful navigation through it rather than a stampede.

AGG

Please understand that my use of the term "irrational" does not mean "illegitimate". Their fears are of course understandable and irrational because they will ultimately be proved unfounded.

Life in general entails change; some good, some bad. We can't protect them from everything just because it scares them. We do our best to protect them from real dangers, both physical and emotional. Talking about my kids and my situation specifically here.


I was merely illustrating that children have their own notions of the world and that just because they voice their displeasure at something, doesn't make that something "bad". Often times their expectations do need to be managed.


Have I given the impression that I intend to stampede through this minefield? If that were the case, I probably wouldn't be here seeking advice. Nor would I be laying out a fairly cautious and step by step approach. Too cautious by some measures according to a few of the responses here.

I guess I would rephrase it as "if/when they will be proved unfounded". At this point, you can neither be certain nor promise them that their fears are unfounded. No matter what you think now and what your GF says, only after they all meet and spend some time together will you be able to discern how things would work. I had met more than one lady who sounded one way early on, and behaved differently after realizing what it really meant to date an involved dad. YMMV, but you will have to prove to the kids through action that the new GF will not make their lives worse.


Agreed. But we can also protect them from inflicting further hurt in the name of "life must go on". There are few more selfish things that parents can do to kids than get divorced (excluding cases of abuse etc), so I do happen to think that divorced parents owe some sort of "extra" stability to the kids, especially right after the divorce.



Not at all. Your caution is obvious and exemplary. I am just trying to caution you that sometimes things do not go along as smoothly as we hope/expect - either the kids or the new GF may not like the setup, and there is no way to predict it ahead of time. And if problems arise, I would hope that you would step back and reevaluate the situation, that's all.

AGG

I can appreciate a healthy dose of skepticism and caution as much as the next guy. In this instance, there will be no pain to the children in behalf of the GF. I simply won't allow it. If the kids tangibly suffer because of her (whether through her actions or my own neglect), then the GF and I will part company. I know, I know... Easier said than done. I've seen the phenomenon fist hand in my own family. It will not happen with my kids.


I don't disagree with this and I don't think that it contradicts with anything that I've said so far.



I am well aware and again agreed. Again, it's why I'm here asking questions. I realize that the dynamic between the GF and the kids and myself may not work out. In that case, I know which element of the equation would need to be excised.

Seabird, I'm sure you'll handle balancing your relationship with a woman and your relationships with your children with care and attention.

I think I was just trying to prepare you for the vaguaries of children. One thing I wasn't prepared for was the conception my girls had that I would marry the man I introduced them to. In the very beginning, they heard wedding bells. Disney had brainwashed them into thinking that if you dated, you got married. Of course, I AM marrying the man I introduced them, soooo....

But, there's a big adjustment period. Gradually, Mike has more and more influence on things like discipline and boundaries. The girls baulk a little when he insists that they do as I ask immediately, but deep down I think they feel comfortable having a strong male presence.

They're also fascinated to watch how Mike and I handle disagreements. YD can't remember when her dad and I lived together, but OD can. OD remembers the shouting and being scared. I'm glad they can see two people get annoyed with each other, and still not yell.

Oh, but I never mentioned how one night when M was really frustrated he said my girls never obeyed and were spoiled. I almost ended the relationship over that. M had a point, although my children do obey, somewhere around the 3rd requestion.

Green - I understand and if I sound defensive, I don't really mean to be. I have a desire to keep the thread on a fairly tight focus (my thread, my prerogative ) and there are certain elements that are kind of a given in my mind.

I mentioned before that I had specific criteria. I didn't want to get into them because I know that some people here might zero in on a few, take offense, and derail the topic. This has been my experience. Some of these criteria revolve around kids, my parenthood, and the attitude of not just the GF, but even the GF's family and friends. For instance, she's tight with her folks. I asked her early on how they would react to her dating a D'd man w/2 kids, because even if she doesn't have a problem with it now, I know all too well the kind of influence family can have. I don't even want to get near a situation where a potential SO's family can throw monkey wrenches from afar under the guise of protecting their little girl. I feel that the XW's family did that because they're Jewish and they aren't too fond of the fact that I'm not.

There's no way you guys could have known this, just as there are still more elements that you all aren't be aware of. I understand that everyone wants to warn me and make me aware of all possible contingencies and experiences. I really do appreciate it. So if I seem dogged about wanting keep the discussion narrowly defined, it's just because I've already considered the other stuff, or I don't want to consider it until a later time. I am trying... trying... to be methodical.

I recall you discussing your situation with me last year in origin thread. You even corresponded with my XW the couple of times she posted (ya'll shared frying pan stories *sigh* ). The difference, from what I understand, is that my kids don't need a surrogate male or female influence. Their mom is always around. She's active and engaged and they love her. I disagree with her on a lot of parental things, but she's as adequate as she needs to be (and that's as generous towards her as I'm feeling today). I am active and engaged and my kids know that I am there for them as well. That makes it easier for me to put a boundary around them w/re to any new love interest in my life.

I don't feel compelled to consider the balance that a female influence might provide vs some "outsider" talking smack about my kids, because they already have the female influence that they're supposed to have. A GF who wants to step in and be a new mommy will be politely asked to leave.

Hope I made sense here. Felt like I rambled for a while.

Everything you said makes sense. Ultimately it's your decision anyway and only you know exactly what your circumstances are and you know your kids best.

I can tell you about my current sitch which is sort of from your GFs POV and there are a few more differences than that but in case there's anything to be gleaned, here it is. I'm seeing a man who has 50/50 custody of his 6yo DD. In our case, he didn't have to introduce me. I've known him and his XWW for 10 years. I've known DD since birth. Her parents played in the same baseball league as me.

His M broke apart about 1 year before mine. He had attempted dating but he works shifts - 2 weeks days, 2 weeks nights. With his 50/50 custody arrangement, he only has 3-4 nights a month when he neither has his DD nor is working. That throws a big wrench into dating. From his POV, I was a really easy catch in the sense that he not only didn't have to worry about introducing me to DD, we could do stuff together and include DD right from the get go.

I'm not sure if DD told XWW before this or not, but I remember when she first saw us together. She was very pleasant to me. Remember, we had known each other prior to either of our Ms breaking down. We have since seen each other many times and I've even facilitated the transfer of DD a few times. She actually invited me to come to DDs school concert that happened to coincide with one of BF's night shift weeks so he couldn't go (I didn't go as he wasn't comfortable with me hanging out with his XWW). But it's obvious that she has no problem with me either with her X or with her DD. DD is very close to both of her parents.

As for DD, she already knew me from baseball so there was never any issue when she started to see me other places. We've even spent time alone (I've watched her a few times) and made pictures for Mommy and she's even made pictures for me. I'm in no way a replacement mom - she knows that, I know that and XWW knows that.

But I do believe the reason for this smooth transition (and it has not been all that long) is because I was already familiar to her. Being already familiar with her mom probably didn't hurt either (not sure if she would be as accepting of me if I was a stranger). The only difference from DDs POV between before and now is that she sees me more often and in circumstances other than just baseball.

Incidently, WstbxH and my adult DS knows about us as well. They both knew him (and XWW and DD) before all of this. DS is happy for me and gets along well with BF (and DD for that matter). I don't talk to WstbxH so I don't know what he thinks but BF has run into him and there have been no hard feelings shown.

SB,

I've been seeing your thread go by in the Latest Posts section...

and for the first couple of times, your title reminded me of...

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe...only, not in that order, of course...

until yesterday...and then each time I saw it, I thought, "The XW, The Kids and The Giraffe"

I'm a little sleep deprived.

TMI, maybe...of no use except to chuckle...

LA

P.S. On my way to work I read a sign I've seen thousands of times as "Iron and Metal Wedding Supplies"

The interesting thing about methodical and prepared is that you can't predict what the future holds from either your gf or your children or the mixing of the two and the families involved. An engineering approach to emotional involvements can only carry you so far. If you're a Star Trek fan you may recall and episode where the Dr. aboard Enterprise creates a family for himself. "Perfect" at first because he had control over who these people were but once they acted of there own accord all bets were off; all the superb skills he had in his data base where not terribly useful.

Here's an off topic comment you likely don't want to hear. When I was having my first child and it was discovered I needed a c-section and was on the table in the midst, then h got so flustered he was commenting on the equipment (not the cutting, not the baby) in the room. He completely detached himself from the reality of what was going on and found comfort in what he knew best which was the electronic equipment he studied in college. We were theoretically prepared for the c-section but the emotions were overwhelming and I never could have predicted then h would have acted in such a way.

This is probably not helpful to you but it's what came to mind when I read through your thread.

LA - I noticed it too.

nams - I understand what you're saying about trying to prepare for everything. I think there's an old saying that goes "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".