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#2065504 05/29/08 06:50 PM
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Hi, I am new here and never really thought I would find myself in this situation. I have known my wife for almost 4 years and have been married for less than one. We have a two year old son who I love dearly. We have been having problems for quite some time and its mainly been my fault. I took her for granted and didn't show her how much I truly love her. She gave me plenty of chances to prove it to her but I was young and imature. Around two months ago we decided to get separated and I was under the impression that we would eventually work things out. Well, just recently I found out that she is starting to have feelings for someone else and has actually slept with this new person and she admitted that she made a mistake and regreted sleeping with him but she continues to see him. She said that they have been talking for a few months and that he makes her happy and that for once in her life her heart feels happy. I dont really buy this because I know that we were happy at one point. We have gone through alot together and I feel like this new person is just filling her emotional needs that I should've filled.

Since the separation I have tried to show her how much I have changed and how much I love her but she wont budge. I even went to counceling and when it was her turn to go she said that the councelor cancelled and that she needed to reschedule, which I didnt buy it but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I have tried so hard and cried so much but I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. I dont want to let her go because I am afraid that she wont come back. I am trying to get her to go to counceling but she says there is no point and that she has already made her descision. What can I do to save my marriage? I know deep in my heart that this is the woman that I want to be with.

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I'm sorry for your situation, we have all been here and welcome to MB.

Your first mistake was moving out. This has given her the chance to explore more with the Other Man (OM).

I was 17 years, 10 married and I can tell you this....you are on the outside now.

What can you do to save the marriage?

1. Move back in.
2. Cater to her needs..(within reason)
3. Improve your relationship knowledge through this site. (If you can change what you have been neglecting, do it, but don"t ask her for validation)

Get your [censored] back in the house ASAP.

If you are not in the house WITH HER dedicated to working it out, then you are fighting a losing battle.

She has new aspirations right now and you are a part of them. Change this.


H (37) Me
ww(37)
Married 10 years
2 DD's 6 and 9.
Together for 17 years.
D-Day on EA -Oct 28, 2006
Second D-Day 12-08....Divorce in Process
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Yeah, I have been thinking that myself. I just dont know how to do it besides just outright doing it. The reason I moved out was because she kept saying that she was going to move out. She was talking of getting an apartment so I just decided to move into my parents house which is only 5 minutes away from our house. How can I convince her that I should move back in?

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You are married. Go home and tell her you are in love and love your family and are moving back. You need to tell her you were wrong in moving out.

Don't overthink...just get home! Stand up for it. This is your life...love....children. THIS IS YOUR WIFE.

She should end up respecting you a bit more for it.


H (37) Me
ww(37)
Married 10 years
2 DD's 6 and 9.
Together for 17 years.
D-Day on EA -Oct 28, 2006
Second D-Day 12-08....Divorce in Process
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Posts: 214
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Originally Posted by lost_everything
The reason I moved out was because she kept saying that she was going to move out.

Who makes the money?


H (37) Me
ww(37)
Married 10 years
2 DD's 6 and 9.
Together for 17 years.
D-Day on EA -Oct 28, 2006
Second D-Day 12-08....Divorce in Process
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Posts: 6
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We both make the money but I do make more if that is what you mean.


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Originally Posted by lost_everything
How can I convince her that I should move back in?

By just moving back in. It is your home, you don't have to convince anyone to go to your own home. Does your W need permission from you to go home at the end of the day? No, it would never occur to her to have to ask someone if she can go to her home. You made a huge mistake moving out. Here is a post about that:

Quote
I think this deserves its own thread since it seems to be a fairly common problem….for MEN. About once a month a newcomer will show up here who has left his own home at the behest of a wayward wife in an active affair. She asks him to leave so she can “have space” and “think about the marriage.” The poor devastated soul usually believes that appeasing her will save his marriage. It is the EXACT OPPOSITE. She is asking him to move out so she can carry on her affair without his interference.

Moving out only serves to ENABLE the affair at the expense of his own marriage and children’s security. The WW is now free to carry on her affair from the safety and comfort of her own home. It is not uncommon for her to actually INVITE the OM into the home and introduce him to the children.

She often has fantasies of replacing you with the OM. Of course, the BS is still paying the mortgage so he is, in effect, not only enabling the affair but FINANCING it. Otherwise known as the ContributeToYourOwnDemise Program.

Some reasons why moving out is dangerous:

1. It enables the affair
2. It is viewed as abandonment by many courts
3. Separation INCREASES the risk of divorce and impedes chances of recovery [you can’t recover if you aren’t there!]
4. Many men – on this very forum – have had to get COURT ORDERS just to get back into their own homes
5. Children are exposed to affair partner, which is morally confusing and increases the odds they will be sexually molested/abuse
6. It is DEVASTATING to children! Your children need you now more than ever. You are ALL THEY HAVE since their mother’s brain has been abducted by aliens.

In short, moving out is always a huge mistake unless it is to effect Plan B.

I am always baffled about why men will do this, because a woman would never consider sacrificing her own home and her children because her husband was in an affair and wanted some “space.” The only way I would leave is if my husband’s pistol was BIGGER than mine! Even at that, I am a better shot than him, so that might not even do it. It might take a SWAT TEAM!

If your wayward wife asks you to move out so she can “have space,” suggest she either go in the bathroom and shut the door or be a gentleman and clean out a corner in your garage for her. But, whatever you do, DON’T LEAVE YOUR HOME, GUYS!!

If you have fallen for this manipulation tactic and left your home, don’t despair. The mistake is usually easily corrected by packing your bag and GOING HOME NOW. No warning, no nothing. Just get in the car and go home and move right back into your OWN BED. When you walk in simply say “HI HONEY, I AM HOME!!” and give her a smile and a peck on the cheek. If she objects tell her you live there and intend to stay. SMILE.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I want to move back in but I have told her I love her and how much I want to work on things and she wont budge. I feel like if I move back in that she will leave.

How do I deal with her having feelings for some other guy? She keeps saying that he isnt the reason she wanted to get separated, that it was she was unhappy.

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Originally Posted by lost_everything
We both make the money but I do make more if that is what you mean.

You need to go home, friend.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lost_everything
I want to move back in but I have told her I love her and how much I want to work on things and she wont budge. I feel like if I move back in that she will leave.

How do I deal with her having feelings for some other guy? She keeps saying that he isnt the reason she wanted to get separated, that it was she was unhappy.

You are making a terrible strategic mistake and need to go home.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am going to try and move back in but I just hope it doesn't make things worse.

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How can I end her relationship with this other person?

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It's good that you are going to take the great advice you are getting, to move back in. Do it, don't just "try" to do it. If she decides to move out, you are still better off than you are with you being the one who moved out.

I assume the child would remain in the home, is that correct?

How can you end her relationship with this other person? By following Plan A and Plan B. Look for the article "What are Plan A and Plan B" and post questions here (or on the GQII board, which has more traffic).


---actually I'm Jayne241 (I'm on a trip and neither this computer nor myself remember my original username's password!)
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Originally Posted by lost_everything
I am going to try and move back in but I just hope it doesn't make things worse.

No, you don't understand. You are making it worse by being gone because you are ENABLING THE AFFAIR. You cant work on your marriage if you are not there.

You need to go home and fight against this affair. Interfere in it, ruin their plans.

You should not even be on the DIVORCED board until you have TRIED TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. you have done NOTHING to save your marriage.

Go over to the Infidelity section on General Questions11 and get their help in busting up this affair and saving your marriage. In fact, I would ask the MODS to move this thread over there so you can get some help. Just hit "notify" down at the bottom and a little box will come up. Ask them to move this thread to General Questions 11


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by lost_everything
I am going to try and move back in but I just hope it doesn't make things worse.

My friend, you cannot "try." you have to DO. You cannot afford to be wussy about this. Your marriage is under assault and the situation requires that you be bold, firm and sane.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by lost_everything
I want to move back in but I have told her I love her and how much I want to work on things and she wont budge. I feel like if I move back in that she will leave.

How do I deal with her having feelings for some other guy? She keeps saying that he isnt the reason she wanted to get separated, that it was she was unhappy.

You are making a terrible strategic mistake and need to go home.

Just GO HOME. Do your part. Be there. Do not stay away. Enough said.

It does not matter what she thinks or who she is interested in. You are going home to your wife and kid.


H (37) Me
ww(37)
Married 10 years
2 DD's 6 and 9.
Together for 17 years.
D-Day on EA -Oct 28, 2006
Second D-Day 12-08....Divorce in Process

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