TTH,
Been reading along. I'll offer some thoughts which are along the lines of some of the posts you have already received.
I like to think there is a balance or symmetry to things.
All here agree that recovery is not simple or straighforward. it takes time, there are ups and downs, and it is definitely nonlinear.
My take on getting into an affair is that it is much like recovery: not simple or straightforward, it often takes time and there are ups and downs and it is definitely nonlinear.
Having said that, I think SH and the MB approach start with the simplest of building blocks when addressing recovery of a marriage. Why? It is too easy to get bogged down in the morase of details that make up an affair. Further, one MUST START SOMEWHERE, if recovery is what both parties seek.
Further, the idea of protecting ones boundaries naturally leads to introspection on the part of the WS, which leads to insight, which leads to changes in perspective, which eventually leads to a WS that becomes a FWS; Better yet a FWS that better understands themselves, how they have dealt with issues in the past and how to more productively deal with them in the future.
It seems to me that is a lot to ask, so one starts with the simple things.
From the BS side, I don't think you have to "swallow" that she failed to protect her boundaries. What you need to do is watch and participate in the PROCESS, that starts with a discussion of boundaries and "core" beliefs.
From all that I have seen on this site, the FWS over time peels away excuses, rationalizations, like an onion skin. But, it starts with boundaries and core beliefs.
Why did your W have an affair? She wanted to. She may have not wanted the consequences or for you to find out, because she did not want to lose you, but she wanted to. The WHY? of this simple statement is more complex and a good starting point is boundaries.
Several things have struck me over the years. One is how predictable and repeatable affairs are with regard to rationalization, verbal statements, behaviors. The other is how deceptive MB is. It seems simple and formalistic. It is not.
It is very subtle, many miss this. Why they do I don't understand. Perhaps they view the world in black and white. But, the subtle nuances of the MB approach are powerful and very nonlinear.
I mean in all reality there are some very surefire ways to stop affairs: 1. Kill the parties involved. 2. Walk away and never attempt to save the marriage. Both for sure end the affair. One absolutely, the other because it isn't an affair if the WS is no longer married.
However, if one wants to attempt to save a marriage, that requires some very subtle things on the part of the WS and the BS. Perspectives have to change on the part of both of them, wounds have to heal, deep and complex failure points in the personality need to be addressed, and new approaches to marriage adopted. These are not simple tasks, hence MB is not a simple formalistic approach. What MB is though is organized.
Those are my thoughts. So to answer your question,not you don't have to believe it is just simply her protecting her boundaries, although if one boundary is fidelity and she protects it, it is unlikely she will cheat right? I mean DUH!
In my mind the answer to your question, is that recovery is contingent on changes of perspective, new awareness of each other, and a coming together that supports each of you. That my friend is a PROCESS, not a matter of belief.
Well, that is my $0.02.
God Bless,
JL
