Greetings! I first must say I've never spent an entire three hours on any one website before in my life. I've read through many of the articles and bookmarked the book for later purchase. I have been married for five years now, and it's been a rough one. I was divorced and going through a rather nasty custody battle with my ex-husband. He had done a lot to basically demonize me in the small town we lived in after he lost custody of the children, and didn't want me to have "his meal tickets" as he called them. I temporarily regained custody, but suffered a nervous breakdown from the constant threats and harassment I received not only from him, but from his relatives and even his church buddies. Eventually the children were placed into foster care and I was hospitalized. I was finally released, but I still suffer from mild agoraphobia and panic attacks. I knew I needed to learn how to deal with confrontational situations; my mother was a cunning and apt perpetrator, and knew how to deal physical and psychological abuse without showing too many bruises, all while being a primary school teacher. I had resentment and rage that she was never caught, and I wasn't put into foster care, but yet here I was, fighting for my own kids. I had paid for domestic violence and parenting classes out of my own pocket and learned a lot from that. It was during that time I met my current husband- he seemed to be a knight in shining armor, being a witness whenever possible (since he wasn't the biological father, he couldn't do much) and being the shoulder to cry on. He was also a witness to my ex husband slashing my tires right before visitation, and was able to keep his cool long enough to give a credible report (unfortunately, the sheriff was also my ex's cousin *sigh*) Anyway, things were progressing along; I was gaining more visitation with my children, and I was making preparations for them to come home.
Then, we got pregnant. Despite our best efforts, it happened. My husband suddenly became this panic-stricken individual afraid the state would take his daughter away from him because I was the mother. He ended up dumping both me and our new baby in the middle of a strange city and abandoning us right before the final hearing claiming "he couldn't handle losing his girl because he was afraid of the outcome of the case"... He was to be my primary witness, and now he had let me down. I lost custody of the children in foster care, but was able to keep my daughter. Somehow we survived two months being homeless. I found work and learned how to ride the metro bus system. Then, my husband begins emailing me he was sorry, and he had been a foster child and all kinds of emotional stuff. I took him back, but I was never able to regain the trust that I had had for him. To make matters worse, I suffer from physical pain all over my body. Much of the pain intensifies during moments of stress, and I've always been given the cursory, "you're overweight" or "It's merely psychological" from doctors. This, coupled with the lack of trust has totally obliterated our sex life. In fact, the next time we had intercourse was two years later, when I became pregnant with my son. We had worked ourselves back into a decent financial place by then, and were discussing just about every minute detail of our lives.
I know sex is an issue for him, but the emotional and physical backlash for me is terrible, plus his groping and prodding like a 13 yr old doesn't help. I finally relented once again to his advances on our anniversary. I'm due in October. My husband has been complaining of late of disliking the place we live in. While I agree, the place he is suggesting is completely across the country, and even between us, there is not enough money to take on that endeavor. Also, I am the only driver, so I don't feel comfortable pulling all those miles while pregnant. I thought he understood this.
Earlier this month, we received our rebate check. We had discussed no matter how much it was that at least 50% be put away for the move. It came by direct deposit to his account, which has never been an issue since we transfer money between our accounts with our joint account. The day it came in, however, I get a text message saying he wasn't coming home and he was going to find work and a place for us to live in our city of choice. He left us with no provisions, drained the accounts. Fortunately, I know how to make cloth diapers, or that would have been a total disaster. It took four days, but he agreed to take the greyhound back home. We would have to start over for planning to move. I felt he was being financially irresponsible, as well as irresponsible and emotionally abusive to the children as well as myself. The kids cried themselves to sleep the first couple of nights, and my son broke out in hives all over his body. My husband suggested that all monies be put into my account to keep him from doing this. I didn't like the sound of that, as that would seem to make a situation ripe for resentment. We looked over our expenses and cut back on some outside expenses in order to save more for moving. I didn't want to move until after the baby was born, and I figured that this particular time frame would give us more than ample funds if we worked together. We dropped the issue of him giving out all his money since the last thing I wanted was to be the complete financial controller... He stayed a week.
He emailed me saying that I had destroyed our marriage and had pushed him away by asking for too much. He just couldn't stay in such a violent city and wanted to make a new life for us somewhere else. He was gone again! Bank accounts empty, charge to Greyhound, and now he apparently had gotten an apartment. He wanted me to just abandon everything- posessions the whole nine yards and get bus tickets for me and the children to join him. He claims he loves me and the kids, and he wants to do what's best for us. His reasoning was that he was the husband and what he says should go.
Did he not see what he was doing to the children? Does he not care about our own health and safety? We worked hard for everything we own, and to just drop it and let the kids sleep on the floor for three months doesn't seem like a fair deal to justifying his wanting us to move. The only bright stars so far are that despite my fear of a paralyzing panic attack, I was able to take the children out to the store for some much needed supplies (I had some money saved this time around). I suppose maternal instinct is stronger than any phobia LOL. He has been gone for two weeks. I got over my fear of talking on the phone and with people, and told my landlord what was going on. He's written up a contract showing any back amount I'll be due, and is letting me pay what I can on the rent. My husband started talking with me again and has finally agreed to return to our house.
I know this makes him unhappy, but he doesn't realize one person moving by themselves is NOT like taking an entire family. Small children (3 and 19 months) need a lot of stuff, not to mention the place he's renting is an efficiency. BY LAW, we'd have to find something bigger, which means application fees, deposits, all that good stuff. I'm totally hormonal, and don't want my emotions to get the best of me. I feel betrayed. I feel my husband only cares about his happiness and contentment. I feel that talking to him isn't working, and I'm afraid when he does return, that little cobra that's curling up in my heart is going to strike. It's almost if he thinks that he can financially bully me into such hardship I'll have no choice but to just run to him. If he loved us so much, why would he leave us with nothing, and then try to talk us into moving when we haven't the funds to do this? He has totally let me down, broken promise after promise, feigned satisfaction with the budget and for what? At this point, I think I would have rather walked in on him sleeping with another woman than this mess.
I've downloaded the forms and will try to find a "fun" time for us to fill them out, but how can I overcome this overwhelming sense of disloyalty I feel surrounds him? How is this going to help with my own aversions? Should I even consider letting him walk through that door, or do you think he'll just take off when there's enough money again to do so?
Sorry this post is so long, but I hope I can get some advice. Thanks in advance.

Yes he will. He has proven that over and over.

I am very alarmed by your post. Unfortunately, I'm at work with little time to reply at the moment. I will check back and hopefully others will stop by as time permits and offer you advice.

Have you regained visitation with your children who were in foster care? Are you actually considering moving away from them? To be quite honest, under the circumstances, it may BE in their best interests if you keep your distance....but I don't understand how you could consider moving away from them and not keep trying to see them, to eventually regain custody. Please explain.

Any alcohol or illegal drug use by either you or your H?

Yours is an extremely dysfunctional situation. We will try to help, but obviously we are not trained professionals.

You don't "need" that man, ya know. Are you receiving any state benefits, medical card for your tiny children? Would you consider researching options that will train you for a career?

I agree, it's way too dysfunctional. This is one of the cases where I think you just need to cut your losses and start a decent new life for you and your kids away from him. He will destroy those kids if you keep him around.

Thanks for the input. I myself have no interest in just picking up and moving. I am registered with the state foster care website so my other children can have contact with me. As for a career, I am a self-employed web designer. We are both nonalcoholics, and non drug users. This instability is just inexplicable to me. I fear we have just become incompatible on so many levels, education, organization, the way we handle issues, the way we even learn and retain information. He worked day labor and being legally blind, he received government monies not only for himself, but for his two children. Of course, that went into his own account, and since he's not around, I don't have access to it.
My income is determined solely on the work I get to do, and if it's slow, well, so is the money. We were supposed to be working as a team, but now he's wanting to pull some "i'm the husband" crap. So far as I know, that doesn't make me his property. I was just hoping that maybe I was missing something, and there was a solution to resolve this. There has never been any physical violence, or even unkind words, so of course trying to get any kind of assistance (except the usual food and medical) is laughable (here in tn, if you aren't being beaten to a pulp, it's not considered abuse).
I am just stunned that his greed and basically sociopathic nature would make him walk out on his own children. While I'm not a big fan of change, I am seriously considering throwing in the towel. Unfortunately, that leaves me stranded when it comes time for our third child to be born. It's disappointing, but I was afraid I was beginning to normalize his behavior and having another perspective (as shocked as you all have put it) just leaves me to try to work harder and make up for the losses incurred. If he stays gone a full year, it's considered willful abandonment.
I guess I can chalk this up as my second, and last bad marriage. For the sake of my children, some things are not meant to be.

Stephanie, are you getting counseling? You obviously have some significant issues going on in your life. It doesn't sound like your husband is the knight in shining armor you originally thought he was at all! You may want to spend some time figuring out why you put him on such a pedestal in the first place. Certainly you need to make your life more stable for your children's sake. Good luck.