There are a lot of forces and thoughts coming at me right now and I need some help sorting stuff out. I am choosing to do it on here because I trust you as well as you understand, if that's even possible, the WW mind.

I think that in lieu of my emotions today I need to proceed with caution and look at things HONESTLY. I wish Mulan was here, I really need her wisdom, because my insurance agent was talking to me. WH evidently had crack ho visit the office and she was driving his car. IA called WH on this and WH lied and said she wasn't. IA told WH he saw her and wants her drivers license. Turns out she is driving on a suspended license b/c she has 4 outstanding tickets. What a gem....

I finally broke, and screamed and cried over it all. He told me that I have been starved for love for at least 8 years, but probably 10 years. My husband always withheld his emotion and shut down on me. I am passion, full of life and I allowed it to be driven out of me. So to survive, I volunteered and withdrew myself because I just wanted to love him and make him happy.

IF my H was like Mulan's, would the advice you have been given me over these months have changed and if so, how? If my H was a cold calculating person who just didn't know any different and controlled me because he could and when things really broke were when I got healthy and put a stop to it. He also went on to say that each one of my kids treats with me such disrespect.

So, I certainly don't believe this is the man I married, but he is certainly the monster now. If the reason he is with OW is because she is stupid and he can control her, does that stop the odds of the A breaking up?

I want to process through this cleanly and healthy and make a decision if I am completely done.

This is coming from your IA? He is NO COUNSELOR and he had no right to ask her for her license. Unfortunately, but TRUE, your H can allow anyone to drive his car that he chooses. The INSURANCE is on the car. It's up to the police to find out about her license, etc. Just letting you know about the IA. He has his OWN AGENDA. I warned you about this, Queenie.


THIS MAN HAD NO RIGHT TO TALK TO YOU THIS WAY! He is an IA.

GET BACK WITH THE MBer's PROGRAM!!

Allright, just checking.

That's what I mean, I am surrounded by people who love me dearly, and hate to see the pain I am in. They don't buy the MB principle of addiction and isn't it interesting how empowered I was feeling.... Satan is good, I'll give him that.

Ok, back to being angry. I'm calling the A tomorrow, and making sure he understands I want to move forward on garnishing his wages.

Thanks Mimi..... You are the BEST....

Yup, a woman is like a teabag - you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

That's EXACTLY who I sensed was LURKING..

I was waiting around to hear from you before shutting down my computer and THERE YOU ARE BACK ON THE SADDLE..

GREAT!!!

Well I'll take being a teabag over a frog anyday.

Yes I am. I went to the gym with YS, worked out on the treadmill and CANCELLED his membership.

Sleep tight sweet one....

(((((Queenie)))))

YOu got mail honey.....gonna catch up on your thread now....

not2fun

ps....I'm home now....

Hey Not, your phone has a message for you.

Last night before bed, I started reading WH's Narcotics Anonymous book. It was dated 3-10-87. He had last taken 5.25 grams of coc by himself and that was when he went out and cheated on me the first time. His behaviors today are so addictive, but again the scary part is, he is in such denial that anything is wrong that he is a nuclear bomb dropping wherever he wants to touch. I am learning not to be underneath him at all.

Today was an interesting day for me in many ways. My boss was on my case on something that I just have to shake my head. More and more I realize how unrealistic her expectations are. My lesson is how to survive without letting my emotions get in the way. For those who know me, what a hard task before me.

I called the A today, no WH didn't call A back and I again reiterated to A that I want to move forward and get him in court and this matter resolved. I was pretty good about keeping my emotions out and remembering I am fighting a cause.

As I was running my OS up to his friends house, I stopped off at McD's to buy him food. Here we were having a great time, when I pulled out and right in front of us 25 feet away was WH pulling out of his stall. Pure supposition, but his bank is close by, as is mine, and he followed up behind me, not to close. My OS said, keep driving, and of course I lost my train of thought as I was telling him a story. WH pulled into the gas station and I gotta tell you, it still sometimes amazes me that we are even going through this. BUT, I'm not in shock anymore and as much as I want to pray and make it go away I can't. No, I checked he didn't give me any money.

I did pretty good for the most part, struggled with concentrating on the story, got OS to his destination, cried just a bit on the way home, protected myself from falling into that black hole, came home, peered on here for awhile and prayed.... I just prayed and asked G-d to help me. And he did.

I went to an AA meeting and tonights meeting was the family afterward in the big book. It brought so much up for me, but I kept quiet because the thoughts are so unclear and just in my head.

My spirits for the most part are good. I came home, grabbed YS and we went for a workout, then we went and picked up OS from friend's house.

Brown, if you are reading this, my heart is heavy, but not black. I am healing. I really really am. I feel the strength inside building because I am with G-d and he is taking care of me.

Where does this journey end I have no clue, but I can tell you, almost 3 months ago when I would run into WH I would want to kill myself. Tonight, I prayed and KNEW that this PAIN will pass. It did and it wasn't as bad. Small victory, maybe.. But a victory for G-d nonetheless. And a victory for those on here who kept telling me that one day it would be better.

Hi Q, I hope you slept well. Honey, your heart can never be black, it is pure. I keep on telling myself that next time i see WS with OW, I am going to just stay calm and smile. We cannot let them win, and even though I am struggling to find my faith in God, we cannot stop walking down the path of honesty.

Oh Q, sometimes when I read your posts, I just want to reach through the screen and give you a big ole hug. You are a wonderful, classy and beautiful woman. Your WH has no clue that he traded a diamond for a lump of coal.

(((Queenie)))

AMEN

Brown, I WAS NOT always like this. There is a prayer in Judaism that is encouraged to say every morning that says, The soul you have given me is a pure one. My rabbi seeing the level of distress inside me many years ago, wanted me to start saying this prayer. I couldn't because I was black inside. Yes I loved deeply and passionately, but I was living a life of craziness through my dry drunk and doing this that I am terribly ashamed of and should be ashamed of.

I just read as I was looking for the hebrew words of the prayer, which btw, are beautiful - The second belief system held by many Jews about G-d's dependability is that G-d is NOT limited but is all-powerful. If G-d chooses to not intervene in a situation, or if G-d does intervene and that intervention causes suffering on one level of reality, it is because of unknown factors and unseen level of reality we human beings cannot fully understand. This is why my WH is not home today. There were and continue to be lessons for me to experience, to seek G-d through and learn to walk through with him. I hope the outcome is for my H to come home, but I am ONE DAY AT A TIME, walking in FAITH that I will be ok no matter what happens. Do you know the story of Esther where G-d was preparing her for something bigger, and it took a VERY LONG time. I believe that's what is happening to me.

PM, hey woman, I haven't seen you here in a long time. How's the home sitch going? You doing ok? Is there anything you need?

Mimi and PM, thank you so much for you sweet love. Truly. Sadly, you are right. WH has NO CLUE and in fact is operating as if he has totally come out the winner and I am the complete LOSER. We don't know what is going on inside of him, but I know that he NEEDS her for life right now. It is so helpful to be reading Narcotics Anonymous, it really spells out the addictive mind and lets me associate more to what is happening in this sitch.

I remember in the beginning when WH used this crap, he wants something more than to be married to his best friend. And we truly were. We had been through so much for SO LONG. BUT, give me a frickin break. A crack addict with hepatitis C, who got that from heroin, twice divorced, three children, the first one at 15, and now someone who is driving around on a suspended license. I'm not judging her. My heart aches for HIM, because he is so sick and all my love can do for him is watch on the sidelines and let G-d do his miracle. All I want to do, is march over to him, and reason with him the way that we used to be able to. But, that isn't happening.....

{{{{{{{PM and Mimi}}}}}}}}}

Hey Queenie.

Not much to add to what PM and Mimi have said. Just know that I'm thinking about you.

I was watching the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" last night. I love that movie. Anyway, there is a part where Diane Lane's character, Francis, talks about wanting a wedding there and wanting a family, wishing for it, for herself. In the end, she hosted a wedding there, for one of her friends, and she had a family there, when her pregnant girlfriend came to live with Francis, ultimately having her child and remaining there.

She got her wishes. A wedding and a family.

I believe God works to give us what we need; it's just not always in the package we THOUGHT it would be in.

I have to agree with you on this. This more than anything has been one of my hardest lessons, because of course I always believed I knew what was best for me or what I needed.

The truth is, I have NO CLUE what it is I need. I just have to TRUST....

TRUST..

Sounds easy doesn't it?

God never said this faith stuff wasn't hard..

(((((Queenie)))))

Just lettin you know I'm still here and still keeping up with ya.

Hye James,

I hope you are off having a nice weekend.

TRUST, definetly easier said than done. But when your back is to the wall, and you are fighting a WAR, there isn't any other way to protect yourself than to TRUST G-d and see how HE is going to get me out of this scrap.

My best thinking and sick behaviors got me here. I NEED to just get out of the way and let G-d direct me. He'll get me to my milk and honey.



Hey Mark, Shabbat Shalom

Hey Q

How r u? I missed u y'day evening.
I am in a slightly better mood today. Y'day was a crap day, had my counselling and that made me very miserable (more details on my thread)
Plus dad's BP has gone up again, so his heart is in trouble again, i wasn't a happy bunny.
But today is another day.
I am trying to b positive

Hey Brown, I was actually around lurking most of the day yesterday. It was an up and down one and I didn't want to bother people on here. This really is just my stinkin thinkin, but I worry that if I don't keep it positive after all this time, then people are going to throw up their hands. I know that won't happen, because for me, I am here for you no matter how long you need me. I just don't give myself the same loving treatment. I'm working on it.

I had a horrible day at work. My boss was just reaming me all day long over stuff and I am needing to talk to G-d about how to work with her. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and it's so obvious when I am frustrated or pissed at her. I have a set of beliefs, but my boundary is my biggest problem. She is the boss, she wants to be asked about EVERYTHING and will get pissed if I don't. It's extremely hard for me to operate like that, but she is the boss and I like my job. Beside principals come and go, maybe she will one day.

But, what I did find out though was she is hurt and mad that the staff would rather not have the end of the year party at her house and so it was suggested because of gas prices to have somewhere closer to town. It wasn't anyones attention to hurt her, but she has blinders on to the negative feeling that pervades in our building and most people won't go. So, I realized that she was hurt and I am the closest and obvious choice for her to take her anger and frustration out on. Doesn't make it any better, and even though she is picking on things I am doing, she is just mad at the world and not necessarily me.

I stayed late and work and finished up certificates and program for the end of the year lacrosse banquet. I hit a sad and feeling sorry for myself snag last night when I realized that WH didn't deposit any money. It really wasn't the week, but just in case I was holding out hope, and there can still be. I'm frustrated because I don't think the lawyer understands that 1400.00 is a lot of money for me and it will go to pay off a lot of bills.

After crying a little, spewing I can't do this, I just kept myself busy and got out of it very quickly and went along my business.

I am supposed to bring a dessert and appetizers. I was going to make Paula Dean's Not Yo Mama's Banana Pudding recipe, but I bought cool whip instead of cream cheese and condensed milk. So, the old me would go get what I needed. I could justify myself by walking down there and getting exercise, but the reality is, I have to watch my pennies and I don't need the attention of making a great dessert. So, I have lots of premade cakes, one of which is sugar free and make that as well as cookies if I like. As for appetizers, I can keep it truly simply and use the celery I have and put peanut butter on it. That way I don't spend money.

I am convinced that I am in a process of learning to TRUST G-d for all my NEEDS. He wants his relationship with me and truly I am coming to a place, although moments fighting it, but coming to a place where I am waiting to see what G-d has planned for me.

At first, I wanted my M, then I was in a place where I had to know whether it was going to end or not so I knew what to do, and now, I don't need a man to fill me up or make me whole, that is between me and G-d today. I love my husband deeply and B swears that these types of relationships can't take the test of time. I have much to learn about myself as well and completely heal from the damage that not only what this situation has done to me, but truly what was done to me in the past from WH, H and myself quite honestly.

This isn't what I want, but it's more than likely what I NEED. And since G-d has my will and my life in his hands.... He gets to lead me.

I'm going to catch up on your thread in a few. Sorry to take so long.... It's stil hard not having an adult around me to talk to.

Hey Q
It was lovely to get a long post from you. I know about that stinkin feeling. I am getting that already. I keep on thinking that i sound so negative and so in the ' i can't help myself' mood that people r just going to just give up! But u know wat Q, that 'fear' (?) in itself helps us to get out this spiral.
Don't let the boss worry u, my clients tend to drive me round the bend sometimes too. But u know what i learnt, i can't b unhappy bcos they r unhappy, n if i smile enuf i can make them smile too. (see i wasn't always a miserable monkey ;-)
The money - that is tough, I do thank the lord that he has giving me a loving family that helps me financially. But even I have to think long term. Need to get a place of my own but right now I will concentrate on recovering myself. I will pray for you.
And u r welcome to post long messages any time.