Thank you all, it isn't bad like I am exploding and melting down all the time, but today just pushed my patience a lot. Thank you SunflowerSmile, I really appreciate the suggestions and I will definitely be implementing quite a few of your suggestions. I especially like the popsicle stick idea.

I have been trying to get some help from some of the ladies from the church, but they are all "busy" with their own families, so no one has been able? to help out. I am okay, it's just sometimes I feel trapped and panicky and I need to learn what I like, I am going to try the bath thing, I definitely like the dancing and praise music. I am working on loading my i-pod. I would love to find a way that I could go early in the am when I get up for a jog around the block or something, I have really learned to like taking care of myself, but don't really know how to exercise, my sister is a fanatic, but so busy that they really don't spend any time with us. The frustration is that my parents/family were close to my H and loved him very much, so I totally understand that they are experiencing their own grief and anger and sadness over his choices. Oh enough already!!! Bad tape out okay, now we need to fill me with good thoughts and good things....
Thank you for your help, just keep sending the positives, so that I can keep my focus right! I want to please God and raise my children to please Him and to make them proud of me!! So, this is my plea, for everytime that I start to sink someone PLEASE send me a poem or a verse that will help me lift up. I am trying to memorize John Ch 15 right now, but they say that for each negative it takes 10 positive to counteract it!

Thank you all!

I'm thinking good thoughts for you KLB.

{{{{{{KLB}}}}}} There's a lot of good people giving advice and Plan B, is not my expertise, accept I have done a good job of staying dark....

G-d has plans for you. I'm not good with the quoting of Torah, but I KNOW. That G-d knows the beginning and the end and his plans will not be thwarted.

We have hard lessons to learn for ourselves and as we keep closely to G-d and work to please him along with creating a deeper relationship with Him, one day through our hard work and willingness to be in obedience to G-d, we will be blessed.

Thank you Queenie! You did a fine job summarizing from the Torah/Bible. You know the most interesting thing I have noticed is that we are all in one form or another struggling with our self esteem and identity because of the devastation of our spouses betrayal, but you are right: God's plans will not be thwarted- he tells us in the book of Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and findd me when you seek me with all your heart."
God knows what he has ahead for us Queenie we just need to love one another to the other side of this journey, I look forward to getting to know you more and encouraging you through your dark time too. May you have blessings and peace showered upon you today!

KLB

Morning KLB, I don't know about your sitch as deeply. Hopefully this weekend, I will get to read up on it. In my case this self-esteem and probably my identity was a problem way before the A. For me, when I am really honest with myself, this A was possibly G-ds way of saying ENOUGH. You two are hurting each other and I'm done watching you die inside. I truly believe we loved each other to the best of our ability, but like me, there are DEMONS that live inside my H. If G-d is able to reach my H and WH seeks G-d, I believe with all my heart my H will come home. But that's the ONLY way I think it will happen. G=d hasn't worked this hard on me to let anything happen by way of WH who is a DANGEROUS PERSON to me.

And I was, because I was looking for something, ANYTHING to fill me up.

The ANYTHING as simple as it seems to many, was so NOT obvious to me, but was my RELATIONSHIP with G-d. I have that now and each day I think I might be getting closer to understanding that even if my M doesn't stand a chance, G-d will provide for me in ways I can't even imagine.

Yes, I too look forward to getting to know you better and walking through this horrific time supporting each other.

How true, and how true again! I think God does use things like this to say ENOUGH, and I too have always struggled with liking myself, I have always left what others say about me devastate me, but I am through buying into the lie! I know that God made me and that he made me perfectly for His purposes, and I have been learning in the past 2.5 months to rely on him and his strength and daily provision. It is tough because as humans we want that comfort to be in a present and physical form so often, and now we the ones left behind are forced in a sense to come to the throne of grace and receive our love and mercy from the only everlasting source. I know that God has given me the strength and courage and ability to not only withstand this trial, but to come out of it a totally changed person. I am excited to meet the woman on the other side of this journey/trial, but for now I must be content with slowly building the pieces and seeing what and how God brings forth. I know that blessings await me, whether here on Earth or eternally in heaven, it is the patience that I struggle with, I want to see and just move to that, okay check, check, check, yeah got it, and keep plugging away. This is so hard because I feel as though the minute I get that step forward and feel secure in that move I get hit with something else and I need to process it, but really I should just say move over I am going this way and not let it make me move.
I guess my other struggle is with the wondering about my H. I wonder if he is hurting, or struggling, or feeling any pain and unhappiness in his decisions. The man that came here during Plan A visits was a broken and very sad man, but who knows if that was an act too. I want so badly to believe that the many years that we spent together meant something to him, but I know that they weren't special to him, if they were we would not be where we are, so enough wallowing in the wondering. I am changing my record to happy things!

So what do you do for fun/ to change your tape to happy things? What gets you through?

KLB,

I asked you earlier, but you didn't answer. So, I'll ask again because I think it is important.

Have you approached your church's women's ministry or pastor's wife or homeschool support group, shared your need, and asked for their help.

Your load is very heavy right now and it sounds like you have practical support.

I suggest you contact the above groups and ask if there are ladies who would be willing to help you.

The ladies of my church brought me dinner for 2 weeks straight and offered to continue to bring it a few times a week for an extended time (like 2-3 times a week for a couple months).

My homeschool friends took my children for an entire day OFTEN.

One friend offered to homeschool my children if I needed the extra support.

My friends practically did my son's birthday party for me because when they came to drop off their children, I was crashing in a MAJOR way. Four friends stayed and just took over. It was beautiful, as I think back on it now. Brings tears to my eyes.

If someone from my church or homeschool group approached me today and asked for help, I would be there for them in a heartbeat...even if I didn't know them well or didn't "like" them all that much.

You have to make your SPECIFIC need know though. My friends were intuitive and knew me and what I needed. But that is often not the case.

Tell them you need help with your children so that you can get to the grocery and run errands, and that you need help with transportation, and whatever else you think of.


You cannot do this alone.

Do you have supportive family nearby? I can't remember.

I apologize Sunflower, I thought I answered you, but when I looked back I must not have! Sorry. As to the call out for help, I did ask and church has been helping with transportation to church on Wed and Sunday, and in 3mos I have only missed 1time. Also, money and gift cards have sporadically appeared and have been very important, but as far as the helping with the house and the children I keep getting the "busy" response from people, they are willing to, but no follow through. The church deacons have been trying to get organized to find me a car and come to help with some of the repairs that are much needed to the house to make things better and easier and in some cases safer.

My parents are close, but they have been hesitant to take the children because they live next door to my in-laws(they attend the same church too, and haven't spoken or acknowledged my parents since H left) and the children nor I want to see them because of their stand on my H's situation and choices, "they are so happy for him that he has found his true love and this is a part of his sacred journey and if I ever loved him that I will set him free and be happy for him and open my heart to the possibilities and allow myself to be loved again and that the chi and sacred spirits would send someone to love me and the children." YUCKO!!! Tell me that isn't quaint! So, it has made my parents very uncomfortable right now, so they do things together with us, but not alone overnight at their house. Also things have been crazy because my middle sister is due any day (lives in NC and we are in PA) and both my parents work full time, so I think they feel their plates are full.
I do have one family the family that I plan to use as the intermediaries for Plan B who has been coming with their teenage boys to help with yardwork and things, and doing picnics and things with us. I can't seem to get a commitment for help from anyone else. I am hoping when school ends it will change. As for the homeschool group this was our first year with them and didn't really get too close with anyone because of all this mess.

I think that sums it all up at this point, but part of me wonders if being alone right now isn't where God wants me? I think that I have some work to do alone with the kids and me, as far as believing I am able to do more by myself and not codependent on anyone, but that is just a thought. I totally agree that I need a support net and I have one emotionally and spiritually, and I know that I will get through this valley, but somedays are just so hard and frustrating!

Thank you for your suggestions, when I meet with the pastor again I will bring up some specific areas of need so they will have a better idea. I know that I tend to think that people can just see and know what I need, kinda selfish and I see the error in that thinking!

Okay, here's the latest in my journey.....
Friday, received a phone call from the Dr's office that did my surgery in Jan. (the day my WH supposedly quit his job) they informed me that the insurance company contacted them and the anesthesiologist and the surgical center and demanded that they return the payment that they had each received for my surgery! They said that I didn't have coverage then because my WH was "terminated" 2 days prior, so there was no coverage from that day forward, so all told with that call I am now up to $3100 just for that day, and there are other Dr's involved that I haven't heard from yet!
The lady from billing office of Dr's office asked if I was okay and what was going on because I have been a patient in this office for several years and she was concerned, I explained briefly what was going on and she asked how WH "lost his job" I said that he told me he quit on Jan 11th, and she told me according to the insurance company he was "terminated" on the 9th of Jan. I said that I was informed from another person from his old place of employment that the OW and my WH were caught in a compromising position while he was supposed to be on duty and teaching a class... She said that I should contact a good lawyer because I have grounds for a civil suit against OW for these medical bills too because she was involved in and part of why he was fired and she wasn't fired (at that time, she was fired, but only about a month ago, and it was technically not for this reason), So I have no idea what to do?
Then today I looked in my joint acct where WH deposits support payment and it says there is a transfer pending for $1000 my support is only $500, and the only other acct my WH has at that bank is his line of credit against the house that the children and I are living in, and must be paid off before/or with the sale of the house (which I was trying to see if I could do) increasing the ammount of debt that will have to be split, and I don't know why he put in that ammount?
Oh yeah, and my Plan B intermediaries quit on me today. They said that they have tried to contact my WH and he won't return their calls, so they feel that they aren't good candidates for this and they don't want to try anymore. They feel that any and all contact should at this point come through the lawyer, well I can't afford that, so now what.
I am still trying to refine Plan B letter, but had verbally told WH that I would not contact him anymore and that someone else would be functioning as an intermediary in case of an emergency or something urgent financially. I am trusting in God, but truly have no idea what to do, especially about the $1000. I definitly don't want to use it and then owe more debt! I would rather do without and bring it up at the support hearing next month, but I am not sure what the best course of action is, so PLEASE someone help me! I am okay, calm I mean, but just want to do the best/right thing!!!!!! I want my word to mean something and don't want to contact him, but feel I need some answers, but would be content if told to just wait, because I see and know that God hasn't left me down so far, and I am definitely going the distance on his team!!!

Well they certainly don't make things easy on you do they.

Do you have someone else in mind who can be an intermediary?

Do you have a lawyer, have you talked to them about this?

I checked into getting my WH off my bank account where he deposits the money. I can't get him off without his signature. Like that will happen. What I did though was open another account in that bank and keep a SMALL amount of money in our joint account. That way when/if WH makes deposits, he only knows about that account.

DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Stay dark.... I have NO CLUE what he is thinking, but mine is muking with the money as well and I'm wondering if this isn't a common thing for them to break us. But TOGETHER we can get through this and post our frustrations on here.

Have you talked to the people who are demanding payment?

I recall someone mentioning about suing the OW for the medical bill, but it seems that that post is deleted. I will be very surprised if she can obtain any type of judgment against the OW for her medical bills. There seems to lack foreseeability and proximate cause for her to win any civil case against the OW. For example, while drunk, I drove my car, hit an electric poll which was located in front of your house and it fell on your house breaking your roof and at that time, you were taking a bath and the electric poll caused you to be electrocuted. As a result, you’re hospitalized and end up owing $$$ in medical bills. You sue me, but you will probably only able to collect the cost to repair your roof and not the medical bills, because your ending up injured, in the eyes of the court, was probably not foreseeable due to my negligence, thus lacking proximate causation, also known as legal causation. It is simply too remote and unforeseeable that my negligence will cause you to be electrocuted and owing medical bills. There is probably no liability due to the unforeseeability and unusual consequences of the defendant’s acts. I hope my (attempted) explanation make sense.

With that being said, it might still worth exploring by talking to a civil attorney who’s being paid on a contingency fee basis only meaning he gets paid a fraction of your win if there is ever a win. It will cost her nothing tangible to explore this other than her time and energy.

Klbenfield, I am sorry that this is happening to you. Based on what you have written so far, chances are, his affair will end eventually. The question you need to answer is, was he a very good father, husband, provider, and caregiver before his affair? If the answers are not all “yes,” do you really want him back after all he has put you through? If the answer is still yes, you need to really ask yourself why. These are questions that only you can answer.

((((((((((klbenfield))))))))))

Okay, here is today's latest, as you know my WH moved OW about 8 blocks at most up the road it is just off the main road to the grocery store, church, the bank and well you get the point everything. Today, again, on my way home from church, there they were coming out of the convenience store with candy and snacks and sodas and kissing and laughing while my kids are upset because we have to scrimp and save everything to try to pay the bills because we have NO car or savings or cushion besides the emergency money for the bills if he stops paying or pulls an idiot like Friday with the support money! I again fell apart because here I am asking for rides to the dr, the bank, the grocery store, and struggling to get help from anywhere and I really want to just sell everything and pack up a U-haul and run away! I seem to get some wobbly legs under me and then one more thing, and I feel like my prayers are in vain, so I really don't know what to do. I feel like I have no friends who are here for me, just those that pray, not that those aren't important, but some tangible physical love and kindness would be nice, but I guess that isn't what God has for me right now, and I know that he knows best.

As for your questions Restitution: yes, before this he was as good a husband, father as any I know. Sure we had our flaws and problems, and I am not naieve enough to think that we would have a perfect life free from problems, but I thought that we had had our fair share for a while, and NEVER thought that I would have to be where I am, I NEVER thought that he would be unfaithful and walk out and not look back for even the children! Not that I want him to take them or even have them over there with that woman who's own daughter talks with a filthy mouth! But to not even try really try for them, it just saddens me so much. As for why would I want him back? Truly at this time I can't say that I do, I know that is what God's best would be is to see our marriage restored, but my WH is choosing to continue to sin against God and his family, so really there isn't anything to question or see at this time. I would never be able to "take him back" if there wasn't a true and lasting remorseful change and only time would show that! If he doesn't repent and go back to his primary relationship...that with his heavenly Father, then there really will never be a chance at restoration with me. That being said, it is a very sad and lonely place that I find myself. I have the Lord and I have my children, but as for adult company, it is virtually non-existent. I have you all online and I have my college, but that too is online!
It just hurts so much to see him out and going out and having fun and laughing and feeling no pain or sufferring no consequences, and the children and I have nothing, no one and are alone and unable to go anywhere! I am just so frustrated and truly angry at that part of it.
I don't understand all of this at all!

Okay, it has been several hours since I last posted, and I have spent that time putting my children to bed and praying with them and alone, I spent some time on my school work and I am proud to say that I completed all 6 of my papers and posted them ON TIME to my teacher!!! YEAH!!! This is a huge accomplishment for me, I have been feeling so beaten down emotionally by my WH's comments about me that I was truly afraid that I was going to fail, but again God held me up and didn't let my enemies get me!

I am struggling to "in the moment" feel or see the Lord's provision and blessing, but after a good vent and cry I am able to pray and reflect and see how he has truly been blessing and changing me. I just pray for the time to come that I will be able to hold my head high and proud and not be afraid or saddened by the loss of my H to his sinful, selfish choices. I know that I did all I could to love him, and he chose to sin and betray me, it doesn't make it hurt any less, but it sure does help me with the self hatred that I have felt in the last three months. I know that I did the best and am doing my best even now to be loving and steadfast and faithful. I am also doing my best to let my H go and to move on and heal and be okay alone. I miss him terribly, mostly because I feel so lonely and tired, I could really use some help and a break from the children, and some time to grieve alone, but my job is here and God has given me this time for a reason. Now I just need to figure out what my lessons are and walk one step at a time daily forward.

I am not sure though what I should be praying for my husband at this point, I would love some insight, today when I saw him he looked healthy and happy, so my prayers that he would not be sleeping and that the Holy Spirit's conviction would be strong and swift doesn't seem like the right thing, so please help me. I really do want to make Godly choices.

If things are coming fast and furious does that mean that it is going to end/slow down soon?!?!?!?
I feel as though everytime I turn around I am slapped with more garbage! Today my lawyer contacted me to touch base about some of my WH's real estate, it seems that even though they (WH and FinL) have been warned that it would be fraud with jail time to sell their real estate withholdings without my interests being represented. It seems that they just don't care and tried to go through with one anyway, so I had to deal with all of that today. I just want some peace. Yesterday I had to see him and her out and happy and loveydovey and now today I am slammed with more bills and financial garbage.
Truly, WHEN DOES THE CONSEQUENCES SIDE CATCH UP WITH HIM?!?!??? I am so tired of all of this I just want to scream!
As for the medical bills, I am trying to get a statement as to how WH lost his job for court so that I can prove that I was lied to this whole time, then the lawyer feels that the judge will make him liable for the incurred medical expenses since they weren't emergency items, had I have known I would have waited on those visits and not been negligent.
Then, I had a letter on the door from the assisted living home next door that they are interested in purchasing my home from me and they are not even willing to pay what I owe on it, so there goes that, and I thought that was God opening a door for me to move and get away from being so close to THEM and having to bump into them or alter my whole life. I really hate this and want to know when the nightmare is going to end! Does anyone know when and if it is going to end? I know you really don't, can only speculate based on averages, but looking at them together yesterday they sure looked happy and he didn't look the least bit upset or worried or stressed over the hurt and devastation he has caused any of us!

KLB,

My boss is pretty much overlooking my actions right now. I can't read and concentrate, but I am getting the disgusting jist and pain you are in.

{{{{{{{{KLB}}}}}}}}}

I promise I will be back tonight and read through. I am going through the same thing with WH withholding all the money. I don't have any answers, just a hug and special prayers that G-d will keep you in his shadows a little closer right now.

I know how hard and confusing and scary this is. You are doing amazing and have so much support on here.

I have thought of you often too this weekend and have been praying for you Queenie. I pray that God will bless us for our faithfulness and hide us in the shadow of his wings!

((((((((KLB))))))))

I'm sorry you had to see them together. I'm sure that caused you great pain.

Truth is, there will be many ups and downs. You are going to have things thrown at you. That's why you need a good lawyer who will FIGHT for you and your children.

Your WS needs to know that he cannot bully you and steal from you and your children. He needs to know that you will fight back. Your lawyer needs to act on this immediately and aggressively. Find out what can be done. If they can be arrested, have them arrested.

He is stealing from your children, for goodness sakes! Do NOT stand for this!!

I would sock it to him at this point, through your lawyer, of course.

Have you found another intermediary?

If not, brainstorm some ideas here. They don't have to be someone you are really close to as much as someone who will do what is needed.

Because the settlement company didn't actually go through with the closing there is nothing legally/criminally that can be done. However, they came back with an offer that my WH's portion of the closing would be escrowed. I don't know till when or what, but my lawyer feels that this is the reasonable thing to do.

This is the second time that I have seen them out in public, I just cannot believe that all this is happening and that my H is acting like this, it is as if I am the one that screwed up and betrayed him! I know you cannot be logical or rational with a wayward, but I just want to smack him silly!! I feel sorry for the day that the Lord has his way with him and that the scales fall from his eyes to all that he has done! I am just so sad that I physically hurt.

How do I pray for him, ForeverHers do you have any wisdom? I am so tired yet cannot sleep so I lay awake reading scripture and praying then I am so tired during the day. I am hanging in there and being as strong as I am able, but part of me feels like it is dying, my hope, I so want(ed) to believe that this was a nightmare that would end happily! I don't know if that is to be with my marriage, and that is just so sad, I MEANT till death......

No, I haven't found another intermediary. Right now my lawyer is handling things. I don't even know who to ask. I don't really have anyone. He won't talk to anyone who calls! All of our friends from church don't want to be in the middle/ want to deal with someone who is so lost in themselves and their sin. I understand, but it still hurts and is frustrating!