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But sometimes the feelings come and I CAN put them on hold or shake them, but sometimes I cant. And then they become overwhelming.

What kind of feelings? Anger? Sadness?

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It doesn't help that I truly and honestly do not feel like I can come hear and get them out.

Why not? It's OK for him to come on here and read about YOUR FEELINGS if it's safer than expressing them to him directly. He doesn't want you posting on here?

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It also doesn't help that he doesn't want me talking to my sister

I can understand that. He might feel shamed by you sharing with your sister since he has to face her but we don't know him.

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I like the Q&A thing, but WS is still in this place where he seems to think we should just "forget" it or "just get over" it....

HE may feel this way but YOU don't. YOU do not have to BUY his still foggy viewpoint. You don't have to rub it in his nose at this point but remain steadfast in your viewpoint that YOU will NOT forget this or "just get over it". He will EVENTUALLY change from this protective stance. My husband has. It's too hurtful to your H at this point to take a close, hard look at himself. It will come and he will feel REAL BAD about what he has done to you if he really repentant.


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kind of feelings????

There are hurt ones, but mostly it is anger right now. I do tend to think I have been more angry lately, because those feelings hurt less than the anger ones. And sometimes, its the hurt and pain in my heart, and then I FEEL like WS doesn't recognize them I get angry.

I can give you an example.....

Last friday, WS and I had a most wonderful day. We didn't do anything over the top or special, just hung out together at the mall, went shopping for food for the weekend, planning on what we were eating (WS loves to cook....something we enjoy for the most part together...), just being together. In the afternoon, we were laying on the bed together, just resting and I was looking at him, thinking "this has been really good today. I feel happy and content, and this A crap hasn't bothered me at all....what a nice change". After dinner we took a drive and that was nice. I even told him so.

Well, later on I found a Valentines day card that he had given her in the car. I got upset. I didn't yell or anything, but I did tell him to take me home. He asked what was wrong, I handed him the card, he read it (like he had never seen it before) and then started to say that it wasn't signed (which it wasn't, BUT he got me some stuff on Vday at the last minute and I KNOW what he did do for her on that weekend....AND I also know that she had given him many cards, but they were not signed as a way that it couldn't be used against them...).

That is when I got angry. I felt like he was playing me for a fool again, and that I was so stupid I would fall for whatever he said. He went on to say it didn't matter what he said, I wouldn't like it.

Now, I feel like he should have just acknowledged the card for what it was, apologized for it, and then threw it away. And he didn't.

In fact, he put the card behind the seat, and it is still there today. Now, in my heart of hearts, I do not think he is keeping it there on purpose, I do think he forgot about it BUT my thinking is if he TRULY was concerned for my feelings in all of this, he would have gotten rid of it by now.....

Does this make any sense??? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill????

So, no we are not dealing with things that are right there infront of our faces concerning this...and we are not dealing with things that go on in our heads....

I also believe this will all take A LOT OF TIME AND PATIENCE.....but I am not the most patient of people....which is why I have stated earlier that my expectations may have been set a little too high......

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Originally Posted by mimi_here
He will EVENTUALLY change from this protective stance. My husband has. It's too hurtful to your H at this point to take a close, hard look at himself. It will come and he will feel REAL BAD about what he has done to you if he really repentant.


I am not so sure about this.....him changing his stance. In fact, he is starting to question whether or not he wants to try and recover, because he feels that I will never get over this and hold it over his head forever....which is totally not what I want to do.....I would love to see the day where we can be free of this, and it will only be fleeting......I crave that day, but I know that it will not be tomorrow, or next week......

not2fun


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Now, I feel like he should have just acknowledged the card for what it was, apologized for it, and then threw it away. And he didn't.

Come on, Not! How could he have known EXACTLY what YOU wanted him to do? Don't you think you are setting yourself up to be upset?

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE!! FOCUS ON THE PRESENT!! He can't go back and take away the fact that he gave her that card. He can't READ YOUR MIND AND DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED HIM TO DO AND SAY!!

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he put the card behind the seat, and it is still there today.

Get it and tear it up!! EVEN BURN IT! I found stuff my H hid after he came back. I LOVED THROWING THAT STUFF AWAY!!

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no we are not dealing with things that are right there infront of our faces concerning this...and we are not dealing with things that go on in our heads....

So what does DEALING with things mean? Having FUN together for 15 hrs. is DEALING WITH THINGS! That is part of the HEALING of your marriage.

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also believe this will all take A LOT OF TIME AND PATIENCE

EXACTLY..it will take YEARS!!


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he feels that I will never get over this and hold it over his head forever...

That was a FEAR of my H's EARLY ON..

He used to say that he didn't want to get "beat up" by me..

It's EARLY, Not, that's what I meant by the protective stance..

He's covering up lots of his OWN HURT and SHAME...

Try to FOCUS ON PLEASANT TIME WITH EACH OTHER...

Sounds like to me that your H wants RECOVERY and wants to be with you..HE'S AFRAID...

TELL HIM: THAT YOU WILL GET OVER IT AND THAT YOU WILL NOT HOLD IT OVER HIS HEAD..

TELL HIM LOUD AND CLEAR


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Well, later on I found a Valentines day card that he had given her in the car. I got upset. I didn't yell or anything, but I did tell him to take me home. He asked what was wrong, I handed him the card, he read it (like he had never seen it before) and then started to say that it wasn't signed (which it wasn't, BUT he got me some stuff on Vday at the last minute and I KNOW what he did do for her on that weekend....AND I also know that she had given him many cards, but they were not signed as a way that it couldn't be used against them...).

Not, I can relate to how you feel. I remember very, very early into our recovery, I found a "love letter" that he had written to OW#2. It was like D-Day all over again. I was beside myself. I immediately confronted, he also played it down. He tried to tell me he never mailed it. Hello?? Does that matter, it was the WORDS that hurt so bad. (He did send it by the way.) This all happened when he was still a little foggy. There had been a similiar scene after his affair with OW#1 and a false recovered. I handled it badly both times.

After awhile (when true recovery began), he finally got it. In fact, we had a little ceremony, burning all keepsakes and items from "that time" (both affairs, there were pics, letters, cards, etc.) It did us both a world of good. I forget exactly what he said while we were burning them in the grill, but it was the right thing. It was something like we were burning these things as a symbol of our commitment to each other to build our marriage again out of the ashes.

It takes time Not. Lots of time. Lots of tears. Lots of hugs.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Hey Princess.....good to see ya....how's it going????

Ok Mimi....I think I get it (I am blonde though, so maybe not... ;)).

I thought a little more on your Q&A stuff, and to be honest, I don't have any more questions....not really. I mean, Idid bring up the jewerly yesterday, oh and whether or not they "planned" on sleeping together in Dallas (which really I don't care, because the simple truth is that they did, and whether or not it was "planned", I do know that at least sub-consciously it was.....)....so to be honest, I don't have questions. Mostly I am just trying to deal with the aftermath of it all, including the things that he had written to her and vice/versa. I mean, we are talking marriage, kids, her being the only woman he'll ever love....I understand the addiction part, I understand them doing and saying things to keep it going, I understand about the fog, BUT it doesn't make it hurt any less and I haven't gotten to the point where I have forgotten either. I realisze we are early in this....I understand it takes time.....I understand we have LOTS AND LOTS of work to do......

That is if he is still wanting to do it.....

And no he doesn't like me posting on here....but his thing now is that I have a problem spending too much time on the computer (which is true and problem we had B4 all of this....), so he is concerned my still coming here will take up too much time, time I could put towards other things (such as the house....)


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Not:

ACCEPTANCE. That's your work. Not his. He was IN LOVE with another woman. There's nothing either one of you can do today to ERASE that FACT. What's TALKING to him about it going to do?

I know it HURTS but you will have to move on and HEAL from the PAIN of THAT FACT. It is a GAPING WOUND INTO YOUR SOUL...

He is correct about that.

And if he wants you to spend less time on the computer, by all means DO THAT.

THIS IS THE WORK OF RECOVERY, NOT...one of the hardest things that I have ever done...

ACCEPTANCE of the HORROR of this BETRAYAL..that this has happened to you...

And if YOU CAN NOT ACCEPT..which is truly understandable..then, I think, your marriage will not recover...

Your H is correct about that, too..

THE WORK IN RECOVERY, IMO, is about HEALING...not DENIAL OF REALITY..

Sounds familiar..we've had this discussion before haven't we?


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I can witness to you that you can RECOVER.

I feel so UTTERLY CLOSE to my H and him to me.

He's often not here on the weekends. Thus, I am here...but our TELEPHONE CONVERSATIONS..WOW, we're so CONNECTED now...

Looking back, one reason is 'cause we HEALED together...

Like a couple that's been through a MAJOR TRAGEDY together..like the death of a child, I guess, and then got to the other side...

But, OUR EXPERIENCE with EARLY RECOVERY was almost exactly like yours...SAME OLD SCRIPT..you being no different..your H being no different...


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Originally Posted by mimi_here
ACCEPTANCE. That's your work. Not his. He was IN LOVE with another woman. There's nothing either one of you can do today to ERASE that FACT. What's TALKING to him about it going to do?

Sounds familiar..we've had this discussion before haven't we?


MImi....

Those words (yours not his) just kill me. It is like a gapping wound. And I HATE that fact. YOu see the men on here talking about their WW having sex with another man and dealing with that because it is so hard (which is actually an area I have a pretty good handle on....)....but the FACT that he was in love with her and risked EVERYTHING to be with her, including me, including his children ....is something that is hard to swallow. I see the FACT...I have faced it before....and talking to him??? I guess it won't do anything other than more of me chasing my tail.....If he denies that he wasn't in love with her, I don't believe him (I saw the proof...I saw everything....) and admitting it really doesn't get us anywhere (or does it??? I wouldn't know because we haven't tried that route, but maybe I CANNOT handle him out and out saying it.....)

So how does one move to acceptance?????

and the DENIAL OF REALITY???? Yes, we have had that discussion before....of course, if you remember it took me awhile to TRULY face that REALITY.... wink....

and I am spending less time on the computer....on here tonight, because WS is at his home....I imagine this is all as hard on him as it is me....I try to remember that....I really do....in fact, I can tell when he has troubling thoughts on his mind, and that kills me as well....I just want to love on him and hold him when he is like that...

not2fun

ps....your post has made me cry....gosh I hate facing reality... frown

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Why is he at HIS HOME?

He needs to COME HOME!!


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Ok....another question...

When a BS moves into the role of acceptance, can they move out of it from time to time??? or if that is what they are doing is it a "false" acceptance??

I ask this because I mentioned that I have truly looked at the fact that he was in love with her before. I don't like that fact, but I have looked at it before. So, I am wondering the above questions.

My thinking is that I may have forgotten that I know this fact, and when things come to mind, I forgot what I know.....so then the hurt and anger come....and if one can move away from acceptance and back into the other cycle, maybe when I see these other emotions coming into play, I can remind myself of the facts (no matter how hard it is to look at them) acknowledge them and move on.....

not2fun


ps....now if WS comes on here to see all of this, I do hope he realizes how much good and learning I get from all of this....heck, even those hear don't mind knocking me around when needed.... wink

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I just want to love on him and hold him

And that it is EXACTLY what I would do when I was FEELING BAD..

HE may have "LOVED" her(or whatever..a CRAZY kind of LOVE, OK?) but he was THERE in MY ARMS...

And the LOVE BANK will fill up for YOU when YOU hold him and comfort him...

You need him THERE with YOU, IMO...

When you start to FEEL BAD, TAKE ACTION..

Do something to FILL HIS LOVE BANK..because he is THERE with YOU...

And you will FEEL YOUR PERSONAL POWER over THE AFFAIR..you will still be FIGHTING...


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I think it's GREAT if he's reading now..but I spent minimal time on the forum in EARLY RECOVERY..spending most of my free time with him...

You are GROWING in ACCEPTANCE..that's your GOAL..you're not there yet..but don't go BACKWARDS into DENIAL...

It's like GRIEF WORK after a DEATH..your OLD MARRIAGE, untarnished by an affair, has DIED..you are building a NEW MARRIAGE...


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Originally Posted by mimi_here
Why is he at HIS HOME?

He needs to COME HOME!!

Because he needs some space....(gosh...I know I know....RED FLAG CITY....BUT I do have everything I need in place to know whether or not NC is being broked)....

We talked about his coming home the other night. We both want it (and honestly, he has been spending ALL of his time here....he was even spending the night every night....only going there in the morning to shower and change.....and sometimes, he even brought xtra clothes for that....) but I think we both use that place as a safety net for when things get bad (like right now......). Probably not a good thing though....

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Originally Posted by mimi_here
And that it is EXACTLY what I would do when I was FEELING BAD..

that's funny, because that's really all I want to do......and it doesn't even make SENSE to me.....I mean I am angry or hurt and here I want to hold the one who caused it????? Makes me all confused inside.......

not2fun


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I would tell him that you want him to come home.

That place has memories of her for him.

NOT GOOD even with NO CONTACT.

IMO, him moving back in should be HIGH PRIORITY!!

If he's wanting to work on the marriage, he doesn't NEED SPACE!

I would put a stop to this right away.

Maybe that's why you're feeling so bad tonight.

I think you should go over there or ask him to come to you.

I couldn't stand to be away from my H at all...during free time...

You're doing better than I could...



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that's funny, because that's really all I want to do......and it doesn't even make SENSE to me.....I mean I am angry or hurt and here I want to hold the one who caused it????? Makes me all confused inside.......

I've been telling you all night how hard RECOVERY is...



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Originally Posted by mimi_here
I would tell him that you want him to come home.
I have.....
That place has memories of her for him.

I am sure it does.....

NOT GOOD even with NO CONTACT.

IMO, him moving back in should be HIGH PRIORITY!!

If he's wanting to work on the marriage, he doesn't NEED SPACE!

I would put a stop to this right away.

Maybe that's why you're feeling so bad tonight.

I think you should go over there.
I tried this last night.....I took him a fan and ice cream. He didn't want either and asked me for some space. Talk about a MAJOR rejection for me......

Can you?

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I tried this last night.....I took him a fan and ice cream. He didn't want either and asked me for some space. Talk about a MAJOR rejection for me......

OK. We have a PROBLEM. This is NOT RECOVERY.


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