There is a difference. He had a choice. Legally you do not. Let go of the rope James.

A few days ago I felt great.. course up until yesterday I saw DS quite a lot as compared to usual in the last few weeks.

Today?

Well.. TBH.. this has all set me off balance again. Not blaming anyone.. I'm just struggling with this.


Just holding on the eval to determine next step on this..

I agree with everything here.


This isn't a battle... -this- is the war. Battles are over quickly in the grand scheme of things.. this is a lifetimes work regardless of if WW and I stayed married or not. I'm his dad, this is my job.


Honest answer? I don't know.. I thought I was doing the right things in this regard..


If I knew and really understood.. yeah.. I would have run.

Thing is.. I certainly didn't have this frame of reference to put it in before... and the things I DID know.. now.. would send me packing very quickly.

I'm honestly not sure where my head is at with her.. it's really more of an 'evaluate as I go' thing..

DSD knows it was her mother who walked away from you.

She knows that her mother has forbidden her from talking to you.

It isn't the same thing.

At all.

And she knows it.

Hm... maybe we can dispatch 2 feathered dinosaurs with one lithic fragment here. Next time WB asks who's calling, tell him "DS' father".

I'll concede that this might be a war at this time, but the war with your STBXW will be long over (we can hope!) before your job as a father is. And that job will be as enjoyable an experience as you allow yourself 2 make it. And 2 make it, you need 2 end the conflict with your STBXW.


That's another rope, James. Let your end down. I think it would behoove you 2 write your STBXW off at this point. Don't just stop expecting her 2 pull her head out, stop hoping for it as well. She'll have 2 do the pulling anyway, and based on the past year's events, I'd bet that even if she does wake up, you won't be available for a rematch.

-ol' 2long

Well folks..

The eval came back on Friday afternoon.

I go to pick up my copy from my lawyer's office tonight. He hasn't read the whole thing, however he said that the summary indicated that we were both 'fit' parents and whichever of us doesn't wind up with primary custody is recommended to have more than the minimum time outlined in the state guidelines.

I'll know more once I read it, but I would have thought there would be a recommendation there as to who ought to have primary custody.. atty didn't say anything about that.

Mildly triggered, but not letting myself get too worked up about it until I actually read the eval for myself.

We will see.

Thinking of you, James. Hope the eval eases your mind some.

FWIW, I don't agree with many of the things said to you regarding DSD. You are NOT being abusive.

Unlike many, I HAVE kept up with your story. No one is perfect and I see you doing the best you can do in the circumstances you are in.

Continue to process the suggestions, weeding out the heavily wielded 2x4 the best you can. Now that you have the information that the gifts are destroyed in front of her...maybe change your tactics a bit.

She will not hate you for the gift giving....she'll resent her mother for the gift destruction.

Is it your responsibility to shield WW from her own actions and protect her from her DD's resentment?

You made a promise to that child. Your tactics may need to change to protect her from her mother a bit...but don't abandon her.

In the end it boils down to.....what can you live with? What leaves you with your own self-respect? Can you completely let DSD go and still look at yourself in the mirror?

I don't think so....that's where your struggle is coming from.

Can a child truly be harmed by knowing that someone loves her and that she has touched that person's life and made a difference?

Do what you can to cause the lease stress for DDs but don't sacrifice your love for her at the same time.

Fox

I think this is where the bank account idea comes in.. not sure exactly where else to go with this short of point blank asking WW whether or not I should bother getting her a Birthday present.. because if it's just going to get trashed in front of her I don't want to put her through that.


This is exactly the issue I took with the advice from last week. Still.. there are valid points here, and I know you aren't minimizing those.


BINGO.. for someone who held her hand in the dark of night as she cried herself to sleep... why doesn't my daddy want me..

To do that to her again.. for her to even carry that PERCEPTION of me... I've shed more than a bucketful of tears over that thought this weekend.


Apparently they can.. because that's not the message DSD is getting at home.

I'm certainly trying to figure out a way to do this.. and don't you worry.. I will -never- stop loving DSD. I just hope and pray one day she comes to know and appreciate that.

Hmmm....maybe give her something from your son. Don't put your name on it, don't send a note. Just a gift from your son to her.

She'll know where it came from and remember it for years to come.

Before everyone jumps in with "DON'T USE YOUR SON", I don't believe this IS using your son. Your son is part of your household - and the gift is from your family to her.

This is what I mean by finding a way to do what you do, yet change the way you do it so WW doesn't find it so "in her face".

Is it bowing to WW a bit? Sure, but better to bow than to break.


Nope, not minimizing at all. Those points need to be taken under consideration - and it seems you do.

It feels to me as though sometimes others forget this:




That doesn't mean it is true.

If YOU give up your fight to love her..... will SHE give up her fight to love anyone, ever? Because love means NOTHING? Promises mean NOTHING?

I feel your struggle, James. You've been bombarded a bit with statements of you abusing DSD with continuing to show her that she is important to you. I want you to know that not EVERYONE sees it that way.

As always, there is a balance. Only YOU truly know your situation and how much DSD is harmed. And how much she could be harmed by losing you more than she already has.

Fox

You've given me a lot to think about Foxy.. thanks so much for that.

I'm not going to go into a whole lot of detail about the eval, except to say that it wasn't at all what I was expecting.

There was no clear recommendation as to who ought to have primary custody.

There's about 8 pages detailing her impressions of the three 'adults' involved, and then a page and a half summary.

The summary basically states that we are both fit, and that DS's needs would be met adequately at either place.

The only -real- recommendation came in the form of: If the court places the custody of the minor child with the mother, it is this workers further recommendation that the father be allotted more time with DS than is outlined in the state parenting time guidelines.


I'm going to need to talk to my lawyer to see what his take is on this, but at the very least it's a movement in the right direction.

It could have been worse I suppose.

Just not what I was expecting really.. did get a lot of background on WB's family life.. and wow, I thought WW's family was screwed up. These people make her dad's 4 marriages and 2 abusive live ins look like Pat Robertson and company..

They're both children of multiple divorces, and he has been in and out of 'institutions' since he was a young child.

I have no doubt now, if I even had any before that this situation is completely toxic for all involved. In other words.. to save myself I need to stay well clear of the blast radius when this thing blows up.. and it will, of that I now have zero doubt.

2long however is probably right on the money.. I'm probably not going to be up for a rematch at this point. I say probably because I still can't say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't still try. I simply doubt that WW would be able to cope with a lot of the changes I've made in my life, and the personal boundaries I've either created, or shored up... and the expectations I now have for someone I intend to spend the rest of my life with.

Still, I will rely on God for my guidance in all things, though I do very much value everyone's input. I'm no longer casting my hopes and plans for the future on a miracle. I'm simply trusting that God will send the people and things into my life and my children's lives that we need.

J

Give up his fight to love her?

He doesn't have any legal ground to stand on to fight to love her.

But, he can add to the conflict in her life by continuing to go against her mother's wishes. Not to mention create an even more toxic atmoshere for his DS.


I have no idea why you would post this.

Jame's hands are tied. Why lay her emotional well-being at his feet?

Will you go to Plan B now?

this is an excellent idea if you want to have Jame's create another scene. His stbx...the mother of THIS child...has made it clear that gifts from James are not welcome. To circumvent those stated demands is not only a HUGE LB...it is wrong as the parent gets to say who can and cannot give gifts to their child. This is NOT James daughter. The mom is clearly wrong here...BUT, she is well within her rights as a parent to make this call.

I think you advice to James..if followed...will result in more drama. In fact, I know it.

Hopefully the judge sees it differently. If not, there will be no reason for a change in the current status.

I pray the judge uses some common sense.

MEDC is right.

I suggested a long time ago on this thread that he should open a college savings account. I don't know if I specifically recommended it or not but he should look into opening a 529 investment account. A 529 plan grows tax free, like an IRA, however, it's flexible in the fact that James gets to decide which child he wants to spend it on. It stays Jamesus's money though in an account with her name on it.

He'll need to check with a financial institution but I beleive since he's still technically married he still can open an account all on his own for his step-daughter (do it now before you get divorced).

I went with Fidelity Investments and they even gave me a MasterCard which generates a 2% award on all purchases deposited directly into my daughters account. I run a lot of business expenses through such card so it's adding up fast.

DSD will be 18 someday and as an adult you'll be free to interact with her. She appreciate $$$$ at that age more than anything else. If it doesn't work out...the 529 account CAN be spent on other eligle beneficiaries, like your son.

Mr. Wondering

Nobody in this world or any other will get me to stop loving DSD. I can't turn that stuff on and off with a switch, and wouldn't even if I could. I'll always love and care about DSD.

Now.. are there ways I can love her without making this situation more difficult for her or DS.

Absolutely.

The challenge is in finding the -right- way.


What's the difference between Foxy laying her emotional well being at my feet, or others accusing -me- of being abusive when -WW- is the one trashing easter baskets and returning Christmas presents and isolating DSD from her family. Isn't that laying her emotional well being at -my- feet?

There's a reason why you both do it.. albeit in different ways. That reason is, that despite the legalities.. for the last 5 years I have been that little girl's Dad. She looked to me for all of that time as the man in her life. We all know that our kids are watching me right now to see how adults stand up under this kind of thing.

For once we are 100% harmonious on this.

Like I said.. there's 8 pages of detail here that I have to imagine is intended to paint the clearest picture possible to the judge of what life is like there, and at my house.

It's going to be in his hands, but I'm going to be prepared for the fight in court, and will pull no punches.

Thanks Mr.W.. this is the direction I'm headed towards.

I plan to open the account on the 24th which is DSD's birthday this year.

I'm looking into a 529 plan just like you said, and have signed up with UPromise to benefit the local schools the kids attend.

It's pretty much called.. doing what you can.

If there's no Plan B w/o a letter.. then no.

I think we're on to Plan D at this point... barring aforementioned miracles.

true...but since you do not have equal access to the DSD and she is not truly "your kid"...this doesn't apply. All she knows is what her mom tells her...and you come across as the one causing trouble. Again..no matter what you feel...you do NOT have a right to go against her parents wishes with anything.

Bottom line is your stbx is the evil person here. Your heart is in the right place. No one here is questioning your motivation for wanting to keep that relationship alive. It is your actions that were called into question. You are not seeking to abuse your ex-dsd...it is poorly thought out actions that are resulting in the harm being administered.

James, I think you are a good guy...and your stbx is a fool. I think the issue that has kept you from making the right choices (IMHO) in this entire situation stem more from your head than your heart. Your heart has always been in the right place. Your head just hasn't known when to hold tight and when to let go.

I think there is a difference between saying don't add more drama into DSD's life and suggesting that she will NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE b/c you are not trying to force your way into her life.

Very glad to hear you will be taking Mr. W's advice.