{{{{{{{{{Brown}}}}}}}}}

It was funny, last night when I went to bed and was talking to G-d I was asking him for help on how to work with her. I realized it was the first time in a long time that I wasn't asking him to help me with WH. In fact, most of the day was spent without thoughts of him.

That was NICE.

Good, bcos he should b crying n feeling bad about not having u in his life, not the other way round.

Brown,

It took me a LONG time to not go to the place of what he was thinking. I still have to be very CONSCIOUS and not do it, b/c I simply don't know what he is thinking. I actually don't know this WH at all. I don't share his moral, spiritual or life values at all. I think I am being honest with myself that if this WH came back and wanted to make my M work, I am not sure I would do it anymore. He is too sick, dangerous and selfish for any M, let alone mine that I need to have blessed by G-d.

What I KNOW is this WH is NOT MY HUSBAND. Not EVEN CLOSE. This monster is out for himself, out for his NEEDS ONLY and his actions don't SHOW that he care about OUR CHILDREN or ME. He is withholding money from me raising his children and other than not contacting me at all or trying to, his actions don't show he is thinking of me at all or gives a hoot whether I am alive or dead. I suspect he wouldn't want me dead, then he would have to be responsible and take care of his child. But even that is thinking my H still lives inside him.

But in the end.... G-d knows what is going on his side of the street and is working hard to bring him home if that's his plan. Which I don't even know anymore. I just am in G-d's will as much as possible and staying out of the hurt, drama and absolutely digusting behavior of the alien WH.

I was just thinking this morning, if this was the person I had met all those years ago, there is NO WAY I would have liked him, much less done drugs with him.

The email address that I had for you isn't working.

Please email me your new address!!

I think the key question here is that , 'Would you have been the same better person that you are now, if he had not left?'
The greatest thing i see Q is the journey that you are walking is full of faith n goodness and that is in itself God's miracle

This is where I got the first quality....

Well I can try to lie to myself and say yes, but the answer is NO. This is why he is gone. G-d was DONE watching us kill each other spiritually. Do you know the 23 Psalm. Read it. I lived it and understood why.

I have worked very hard to become a woman of G-d and have Him be proud of me. I walk in FAITH because G-d had FAITH in me I would turn to him for help and not become bitter and keep doing what I was doing, which was dying inside.

I love with all my heart, not necessarily healthy, but with all my heart and soul. My soul needed to be cleaned up a great deal and has. Now, my soul is a pure one that can face G-d and serve with in love.

Pretty awesome if you ask me. The price was terribly high, still hurts deeply, but I come to terms more and more it is what it is. And the journey isn't over.

I hope and pray there is a man for me to love and be in a relationship with. I love sex way too much and love to cuddle, etc. It's just not time for me yet, there is much to still work on inside.

This is where I got the first quality.... [quote]

Oops me n my big mouth - i do get carried away in blowing my own trumpet sometimes - that is one quality i don't like about myself.


[quote]I love with all my heart, not necessarily healthy, but with all my heart and soul. My soul needed to be cleaned up a great deal and has. Now, my soul is a pure one that can face G-d and serve with in love.

Pretty awesome if you ask me. The price was terribly high, still hurts deeply, but I come to terms more and more it is what it is. And the journey isn't over.

I hope and pray there is a man for me to love and be in a relationship with. I love sex way too much and love to cuddle, etc. It's just not time for me yet, there is much to still work [quote]


Q - something special will happen... I am sure of that

I hope. I really don't know what G-d has planned. I just know that I need to walk and experience whatever it is.

I can just hope it's my H, or someone else. I really don't think I am meant to be alone in life.

But who knows. G-d does...

Hi Queenie,

...read your last few pages...

...if you are struggling sometimes... it's all NORMAL as many NEEDS are going UNMET!

...keep taking it ONE DAY at a time.... FOCUS your thoughts on answering the question: what can I DO...TODAY!.... to make life better for MYSELF and those I care about and am responsible for....as objectively as you possibly can...and put your ENERGY...on DOING IT...

...need a break? ...helpful to talk to a friend? ...a nice bath? ...a walk? .... a movie? whatever is in YOUR power to do....YOU ARE IN CHARGE ... and every little bit helps!

...the more you learn to run your life this way... the better you will get at doing it... the better IT WILL GET, overall!

Queenie... I know what I am suggesting is not easy to do because I am trying to do it myself....

Please be kind and patient with yourself as profound changes cannot happen overnight.... it's literally RETRAINING our thoughts ...learning to NOT IGNORE our feelings which try to tell us a LOT about our NEEDS... as we try to create a balance between our GIVER and TAKER so that neither takes us over!

...bottom line, Queenie... whatever EFFORT it takes... you are WORTH IT ALL!

(((((((((QUEENIE))))))))))))))

Luna, you are SO right!

Learning to be intune to my feelings was the FARTHEST thing I EVER wanted to do. Probably because such hatred and low self-esteem existed inside me.

This is really hard for me to acknowledge as being important, forget about doing it, but I am trying. I am really just giving it to G-d and letting him lead me.

All I can do today.

I'm glad you are home safe and sound Luna, I am heading over to your thread to read about in. I brimmed it earlier.

Hi Cinder, thank you very much for your sweet words as well.

{{{{{{{{{{{Luna and Cinder}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Queenie. Just wanted to stop by and say hi. Hang in there. Seems you and I are in the same place, and we're struggling with it somewhat. Sometimes I think that I should be healing faster, but I guess everyone at their own pace. I see some who never seem to get over it an move on, and I know that I don't want to be one of them. I just don't know how we speed it up....

Stay strong.

WE don't get to do anything like that. This is in G-ds time. I truly understand that need for this to be over. I know that PAIN... But G-d is planning something for us. I HAVE to BELIEVE this or I will simply GIVE UP and walk away from life.

I'm staying as strong as I can, as long as I let G-d take me to the next indicated place. It's all I can do today.

Have FAITH.... That's all WE HAVE..... It may not be MUCH, but it's all I HAVE..

I'm P$SSED...... Did I say P$SSSED.... Let me say it again, rather I am DISGUSTED.

For YEARS, WH wanted me to give up my girl friends because he felt that they were a negative influence on me. In fact, I did give them up for a few years, but that did't make my H happy, so eventually they migrated back into my life.

I just got off the phone with one of them, who was calling me to see if I would be willing to make this poster. I was a little off guard, and said I might. She is pretty matter of fact and has really done me a huge favor by taking over the chair position as I was doing that position once upon a time. Anyways, I mentioned to her that WH wasn't giving me any money and she said she knew that.

Did one of my GOOD friends call me to find out how I am doing. NO
Does any of my GOOD friends support my decision to stand for my M, NO. I can't believe how I let these "close friends" be a sore spot in my M. I could just scream at myself.....

I'm so embarassed and hurt and ashamed. G-d I hope I get another chance to make up all my mistakes to my H.

You know, I found it very healing to start praying for my x. It helped me. I know, it sounds corny. But, you can find something for which to pray....to help you not be so angry about him, for him to treat your more respectfully, for your children to one day have a better relationship with him.....something....surely there is one thing for which you can pray a blessing for him. If nothing else, pray for a cessation of your anger.

That doesn't mean you will get the answer you want tomorrow.

But, I found it opened my heart to healing itself. I could not talk to G-d and curse the man.

Hi Cinder,

Angry at my H, nope. I'm frustrated, sad and sometimes angry at the things this WH monster does. But it's so painfully obvious that my H is a sick human being.

I'm angry at ME for not seeing through my friends and putting them first. I'm angry at my friends for not supporting me as I stand for my M.

I can honestly say that I ask G-d as often as possible to give my H and OW what they need almost every day. I honestly pray for G-d to bring him down so that the WH reaches for G-d.

Some people say it would be best if I got angry and stayed angry. That was who I was. Who I am today, yes gets good and mad a the situation, but my H is an addict who is out there using as if he were smoking crack right along with her. What I am learning to do, is get tough and protect my family from this monster, not be angry at him.

I hope that makes sense. And people don't think I am stupid.

Hi Queenie,
I don't think your stupid. I thought about you alot while I was away and I pray for you alot. I admire your courage and hope that your marriage will be restored.
Your thread alone has taught me alot about the WS and affairs.
Don't beat yourself up too much about not seeing thru your friends, we are all falible, the aim now is to correct our mistakes and be better people yes/no?

Thanks Lil,

What have you learned about WS and affairs. It makes me feel good that I can be helping someone else. Thank you for saying that.

I'm honored you also thought about me. I pray for you when I am in bed having a hard time sleeping and all my thoughts are focused on people on here. I can't tonight, as I am exhausted, but I hope to catch up on you tomorrow.

Yes, the aim now is to correct our mistakes and become the people that G-d always envisioned for us. It's G-ds time to shine in my life and lead me to the land of milk and honey. I just have to keep letting go and give him my hand.

Please keep the prayers coming, I know they are helping because I really am started to get stronger inside. It's not just fake it until I make it.

Quote:What have you learned about WS and affairs.

Mostly about the addictive nature of them.

You are one of a handful of people who get prayed for. I also make a 'general' help everyone on MB who really needs You God, prayer on a fairly regular basis.

Your a strong couragous woman, I admire that. thank you for sharing your challenges with us.

Queenie,

You are definately NOT stupid! So, just stop that Stinkin Thinkin right now!

I admire your decision and actions in praying for WS and OW. It Biblical that we do that. I continue to try every day to pray for Drac and the HO. Not an easy thing, is it?

I try to think of it, as you do. I imagine it as a disease and they need prayers for healing. Anger has it's place in our lives. It can be healthy to a degree,,for our own protection at times. However, living angry all of the time is destructive to ourselves.

How very wise of you to see that!

Hoping you have a beautiful day!