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As a newbie to this I have read a lot of the material and probably now know what I should have known all along, but was afraid to admit. I'll try to make this short, and any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated. I am going to split this into 2 posts if that’s ok and I apologize for the length.

My wife and I met in college and were married shortly after I joined the military; 2 kids, great house, my own business after the military. Then a few years ago business went down the tubes, I was under a lot of stress etc. I had to rejoin the military and was sent away from home. About a year ago I noticed when I would come home for weekends my wife had stopped wearing her wedding ring. She was aloof and started hanging around with a group of friends much younger and not including me. She seemed in a dream state and actually started wearing another ring on her wedding ring finger, one I had never seen. I asked her about it, she blew it off. I felt something wasn’t right, like a pit in my stomach. She had pretty much cut me off from sex. I found bladder infection medication and lingerie in her drawer that would make a victoria's secret model blush. When I asked her about them she said the medicine was ancient and she had had the lingerie for 2 years but never worn it but the expiration date indicated current and the following weekend the price tags had been cut from the panties and they had been worn. She claimed she had just tried them on. The next weekend she encouraged me not to come home since I was coming home the following weekend and nothing was going on. I then heard she went to about 5 parties and the kids said she got home at 2AM Sunday morning. I looked at the cell phone record and she had called the house a little before 2 and then spent 20 minutes on the phone with someone. I asked her about it and she got very defensive and said she was next door. I said, "So you called from 20 feet away to wake up the kids to see if they're in bed? And who were you talking to?" Cornered, she told me “You have no right to ask me that!

I saw in her favorites list a login to Google mail and asked her if she had one. Nope. I went down to our office and she was acting very strange, wouldn't leave me alone with her computer, she finally angrily left and I saw that only a couple of days before no less that 8 emails were sent and received from her password protected computer. Confronted her, she flew in to a rage and said , "we are not doing this anymore," then made up a story about how one of her friends must have used her computer when they stopped by for lunch that day. Friends denied even going there and were angry at being used. She also told me that, yes, men were chasing after her and in fact "she was having to WARD them off!" (I am not surprised, my wife is, even objectively speaking is a real bombshell, blonde, 5'2" blue eyes, 105 lbs with a knockout body, even at 41. Guys are always checking her out, following us on the beach etc.)

cont.

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cont.

A month ago, she lied to me about going to a costume party where although she told me she stayed for 30 minutes, apparently she changed outfits 5 times and was there for several hours. The party was so wild the police came twice, mind you my wife is 41 years old (I am 42). When I confronted her about her lies on this again, rage. She told me the next day she wanted a separation. She said she "needed time and space to figure this out,” she didn't know how long it would take, and if I pushed I would not like the answer." I asked her if this included dating other people. At first she said yes, then she said that it really wasn't on her radar because there really wasn't anybody she would be interested in right now, but if someone came along who was really sweet and considerate she would think about it. She told me it would be best if I stayed at my dad's the next weekend.

I kept the kids there for 2 weeks, during which time she basically ignored us, partying with her group of younger friends. One Saturday night she said she was going to a friend’s house for a "girl’s party" and spending the night. The next morning we couldn't get in touch with her and when I went over to the house in the afternoon she wasn't there but had been, and on the counter was a receipt for, you guessed it...urinary tract infection medication.

I confronted her about it and all flustered she said she bought it for our next door neighbor. The following weekend when I was out of town she said she was going to visit her aunt an hour away for dinner. She left our 11 year old son at home to be picked up by my brother in law and nephew who were coming in town for a basketball game so he could spend the night with them at a hotel. She called him at 10:45 PM and said she was walking on the beach and that she had a tennis match early the next morning so not to bother calling the house. I looked at her cell phone bill and no calls were made to her aunt until the following day, when she spoke to her for 2 mins…at her house 1500 miles away.

Sorry to beat a dead horse, but two weekends later she said she was going to a beach birthday party. Like all the other times, no one can reach her for 14-15 hours. She calls my son the next day and I take the phone. I told her she had disrespected me for the last time. She acted confused. I told her that she knew how I felt when she pulled these all nighters and no one can reach her. She said, “well you just better get used to it!” Next day as I was leaving town I took her outside and told her she was making very poor decisions and was acting out in a very destructive pattern of behavior. I told her that she alone was making a decision to spend the rest of her life alone. I told her that her affair (denied) wouldn’t last and that he didn’t want to marry her, just wanted her for fun and sex. I said no one is going to want to marry a 41 year old with 2 kids that need to be put through college, and that when it was done she would be alone, I would not be there to pick her up. She just stared at the ground and then asked, “What about you? Are you going to be alone?” I said for a little while, but then I would be moving on. She got teary, I went inside, hugged the kids and left.

We did go to marriage counseling where she was very vengeful. Vehemently denied lying but when confronted by me with her stories was flustered in front of the counselor but basically took the attitude, “I can’t help it if you don’t believe me, too bad.” When asked by the MC, she basically said she didn’t know what she wanted. I said I had been thru shock, grief, anger and now was feeling a sense of calm since her telling me she wanted the separation. MC was pretty supportive of me. Told WW, “Well it sounds to like you have just “exploded” into a new person in the past year, and no one can recognize you and you don’t understand why. Does that sound right?” Yes.

She left town the very next morning, apologizing but said it was a special birthday party and would be spending the night. She did ride with our next door neighbor though (female) I didn’t even try to call her.

I found out my finances were in a shambles and took steps to protect myself by canceling our joint checking and re-routing my direct deposit. When she finds out she is going to flip!

I had been plan A’ing for about 2.5 months now, and she did comment on it at the MC, but still no budging on the “attitude.” I am pretty lost. I still have no definitive proof she is having an affair, but the evidence is incredibly strong. I have gone dormant about confronting her about lies and plan to hire a PI.

Sorry for the long post…

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Did you move out?

If you did this was a big mistake. You need to move back home pronto.

And then snoop...hire a PI and find out who this guy is and expose the A to everyone!


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Dear Sick,
I believe you may need to change the name of your post...you already do know. Your heart is broken but it can be fixed. It's early in the day and the vets will come on and help you through the next step. I just wanted to let you know someone has read your post and is thinking of you. Be patient...


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
H/EA 4/07, D Day 10/17/07..
500th d-day 10/14/08...
NO RAIN...NO RAINBOWS!
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Yes Marshmellow I did move to my dads But I am only able to come home weekends. Kids stay with me every night I am home. Our house is a shambles. Clothes and trash everywhere, no food in the fridge for weeks. All our old friends have been dumped by her as they tell her stuff she doesn't want to hear, like she is wrecking her and her kids life. Even the wives are confidentially telling me that I need to find some way to get the kids. I have applied for a very good job back home, I hope it works out.

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Originally Posted by sickwithworry
Yes Marshmellow I did move to my dads But I am only able to come home weekends. Kids stay with me every night I am home. Our house is a shambles. Clothes and trash everywhere, no food in the fridge for weeks. All our old friends have been dumped by her as they tell her stuff she doesn't want to hear, like she is wrecking her and her kids life. Even the wives are confidentially telling me that I need to find some way to get the kids. I have applied for a very good job back home, I hope it works out.

You need to move back home.

Moving out will be considered abandonment by the courts.

You need to put yourself in the best possible position to fight for your M and your children.

Move back home this weekend!

Don't tell her you're doing it. Just DO IT!

Then document EVERYTHING. Document her neglect of the children.

And snoop! You need info so you can expose her affair.

Exposure is your greatest weapon here.

Move back home as soon as you can.

Last edited by Marshmallow; 06/03/08 08:23 AM.
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thank you fiori,

yes, and my thread name prob should be different. I just want to know who and for how long etc. I know that sounds pathetic.

I am in a constant state of limbo, adrenaline, fight or flight syndrome. It is making me a physical wreck. I don't think I can take this much longer...

And she is treating me so cruelly, it is just unbelievable. Although I suppose in order to be cruel, you have to have some regard or respect for the person you are being cruel to, and I think she has neither for me.

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Quote
I just want to know who and for how long etc. I know that sounds pathetic.

No, it doesn't.

Your reaction is completely normal under these circumstances.

Quote
And she is treating me so cruelly, it is just unbelievable. Although I suppose in order to be cruel, you have to have some regard or respect for the person you are being cruel to, and I think she has neither for me.

She is behaving as all waywards do.

She is being cruel to you b/c you are interferring in her A. Don't back down b/c of her anger...or nastiness.

Buy and read Dr. Harley's books, especially Surviving an Affair.

Get your butt home.

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Thanks M,

I am heading home next weekend and will stay at my house this time. Course that won't stop her from going out alone. Just submitted a request to a PI firm in town. Lately it seems she has gotten sloppier at covering her tracks, maybe it's because she's made up her mind and doesn't care if I find out.

I am going to be Mr. Plan A while I get the PI firm to dope this thing out.

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SWW,

Glad you took my advice to post in GQ. Also glad you are listening to what Marsh suggested in staying at home. It will make a difference that you are being in the home when you are not deployed.

This is going to be rough, but if you follow the steps of MB, you will be trying to save your M, but most of all protecting yourself. In the end, your kids are going to need you strong. I'm sure you have probably followed the abandoned w/3 kids thread that I told you about and you can see how strong he has been for those kids, yet still in so much pain. This is an emotional roller coaster, but you are not alone.

Read the book suggested, Surviving An Affair. There are many other books out there as well. I read several. It really does help to know that you are not alone and to know steps to take when you feel that you are in quick sand.

I'll check back in on you later.

Be strong!


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Thanks OnlyU

I will get the book. Just got an email from WW, she wants to know when I am planning on taking the kids to the lake so it doesn't interfere with when SHE is taking the kids to the beach this summer. It's one shocking blow after another.

Do you think she realizes how much this is hurting me and does it on purpose, or just doesn't care?

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Originally Posted by sickwithworry
Thanks M,

I am heading home next weekend and will stay at my house this time. Course that won't stop her from going out alone. Just submitted a request to a PI firm in town. Lately it seems she has gotten sloppier at covering her tracks, maybe it's because she's made up her mind and doesn't care if I find out.

I am going to be Mr. Plan A while I get the PI firm to dope this thing out.

Good man!!!

Be sure to take pics of the house...and the empty fridge.

And take pics of the house after you leave. To show the improvements.

And document everything.

Just state the facts. W/ the dates. Leave out your thoughts or opinions.

When she hits the roof when you move back home, just tell her that you're home now where you belong.

And smile.

Keep posting and reading here.

You'll get lots of support!




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Originally Posted by sickwithworry
Thanks OnlyU

I will get the book. Just got an email from WW, she wants to know when I am planning on taking the kids to the lake so it doesn't interfere with when SHE is taking the kids to the beach this summer. It's one shocking blow after another.

Do you think she realizes how much this is hurting me and does it on purpose, or just doesn't care?

She's an addict, SWW.

Addicts don't give a damn about anything except their drug.


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SWW,

Echoing what Marsh said about addicts!!

Your priority needs to be action steps to protect you and the kids. It may seem like you are doing them numb, but you will be so glad that you did them in the end.

Remember to document the facts regarding what you already know about her UTI issues and the new frequency of OTC meds.



BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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How long have you been M?

How old are your kids?

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Yes Marshmellow,

She must bo Soooo happy right now. She has the freedom to do whatever she wants, she has all the money she wants (until next payday) and she has free child care when I come home on weekends so she can go spend the night out with whomever with no guilt about leaving the kids alone.

I think there's gonna be a real storm when she sees I have changed my military pay to go into my new account. She will tell everyone that I have now cut her and the kids off financially and they are starving. Her "new friends" will eat it hook line and sinker, our old tried and true friends won't believe a word. If she does I will have to tell a few people that I am sending her $400 a week just for groceries (I will have to somehow make sure she starts buying some) and incidentals and she can continue to charge at our country club.

I know I shouldn't care. It's tough though.

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onlyUcan,

started a journal last fall. I actually thought about throwing it away at one point because I was believing her when she was telling me not to worry that nothing was going on. I sue hadn't found this site yet. She even was "kind" enough to sleep with me, although she had her eyes closed, head turned and told me I needed to hurry in case the kids somehow picked the lock on the door or soemthing. Could tell this was not the same person I had been sleeping with for 19 years.

Anyway, I will take my post from here and add some other details and restart the journal. I guess this helps in a legal divorce case?

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Marshmallow,

we married in 1990 and our D is 14 and S is 11. We started dating in college though. This September will be 24 years, except for a year breakup my senior year in college when I was in Officer Candidate School. I saw an IC who was very interested in what i am about to tell you. I told her that I had broken up with her because she was a pathological liar, about even the stupidest stuff that she didn't have to lie about. She was also smothering me so much I couldn't breath.

She almost immediately started dating one of my "friends" and was sleeping with him, going to functions where I was etc. She did it to make me jealous and boy did it work. While she was dating him she would tell me that I was really missing out with her, especaially the sex. I caved, told her I wanted her back, she dumped him that day after dating him for 6 months.

He was devastated!

There's a ton more that I am absolutely certain is highly relevant to this whole situation, and it has to do with her sexual past (when we married she had told me she had only had sex with 2 other people, 1 being the friend, over 20 years the truth came out and is pretty scandalous) but as a newbie I am not sure what is and isn't appropriate to put in a post here.

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Originally Posted by sickwithworry
Yes Marshmellow I did move to my dads But I am only able to come home weekends. Kids stay with me every night I am home. Our house is a shambles. Clothes and trash everywhere, no food in the fridge for weeks. All our old friends have been dumped by her as they tell her stuff she doesn't want to hear, like she is wrecking her and her kids life. Even the wives are confidentially telling me that I need to find some way to get the kids. I have applied for a very good job back home, I hope it works out.
Here is my advice:
Go home and take pictures to document everything. Then hire one of those quick cleaning services for the day (keep payment record to prove it) and have them clean and throw junk out. THEN move your things back in and take back ownership!

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Originally Posted by sickwithworry
Marshmallow,



There's a ton more that I am absolutely certain is highly relevant to this whole situation, and it has to do with her sexual past (when we married she had told me she had only had sex with 2 other people, 1 being the friend, over 20 years the truth came out and is pretty scandalous) but as a newbie I am not sure what is and isn't appropriate to put in a post here.

If it's relevant to your situation, it should be fine to post here (minus the x-rated details)..it's a pretty open atmosphere.

For instance, one could say their spouse was involved in orgies, but would not want to graphically describe each act .

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