AMEN

Thanks MrsW.

I want you to know that I do not feel "above" her. Everyone gets to make their own choices. God gave us free will, no?

I also have tried to be very clear that I do NOT believe that I am 100% certain that I would NEVER cheat, that I'm immune. I don't think anyone can make that claim with absolute certainty. I just simply haven't. I would like to believe that I would continue to choose "right" as I have, if / when the opportunity presented itself again.

We are very early in this recovery process in spite of my having been around here for a while. With that being said, I am understanding more and more each day with great help from you all. But, at a certain level, she DID let me down. More importantly she let HERSELF down. She knows this and wants to be better. I believe she can and I am supporting her and cheering her on.

As I just mentioned in my last post here, we have starkly different perspectives, pain, emotions, etc from her choice. It stands to reason, I think, that as we work through this (rather transparently through this forum), different ideas and thoughts will come up. Sharing a thought or concern that arises, and getting feedback on those, can be quite enlightening as long as those of you try to put what we're asking in context.

I do tend to vent, more than laud positives here. Simply, I wish to share as much of the good stuff directly with ILMH, while lashing out here to avoid spewing the venom at her. I've found a remarkable amount of compassion and solace by being able to vent here.

One thread subject alone does not a marriage recovery make.

I think overall, we are doing ok for less than a month from D-day.

I am flawed. She is flawed. We are working together to try to get better. There is simply a ton of [censored] to process and I have come to truly value the help you all provide to that end.

Humbly,

TTH

Two ways:

You can hit the 'quote' button in someone's post. That will put their entire post in a quote box and allow you to add text. Most people don't do this, because they might want to respond to a particular point instead of the whole post.

The second way is to enclose snippets of someone's post in open and close quote tags. You can do this by hitting 'reply'...then at the top are some buttons: click the double quote (") button. It'll give you some tags - the word quote contained in hard brackets ([) and (]). Paste the text you want to quote in the middle of the tags. It'll take a few tries to get it right, but once you've done it you'll see how easy it is.

Then there are those of us who just type the tags in manually, but I live on a keyboard anyway and am too lazy to use the mouse

I don't agree with this at all. I don't look down at you Mrs. W..and I feel you had a weakness I didn't have. I think you would be a blessing to have in anyone's life....even though you have weaknesses that differ from mine. I wouldn't expect a spouse to look down on me for my shortcomings either.

far from accurate. To deny your susceptibility to a particular weakness does not deny your humanness. To deny ANY flaw would mean that...not a particular flaw.

I certainly did not say that i was "immune" to having an affair. What i said is that I TRY VERY HARD to NEVER put myself in a situation where a member of the opposite sex COULD meet my EN and for 25 years i have not found that DIFFICULT to do.

To me these are boundaries that should be in every realationship from the very beginning.

And i certainly do not feel "above" or "better than" my H. I know i am human and am capable of making poor choices just like everyone else and certainly have in other instances.

I have a niece who was in a situation where she COULD have had an A and what she did simply AMAZES met to this day. Her and her H were very independent (too much so IMO) and did their own things most of the time. She went out to the clubs with her friends while he either practiced with his band mates or rode his dirt bike.

Well she is a very attractive women and men would try to pick her up while at the clubs. It did not bother her at first, then one day she said that she noticed she started liking the attention she was getting from these men. Did she have an affair? No she told her H, "honey I am liking this attention so we need to do something about our M right now" and they did.

To this day they have a very happy marriage.

This is the kind of thing i am trying to get accross. That even if you start on that slope there is ALWAYS the chance to get back off of it before you slide down further.

IMO it takes more effort to stay on the slope than to get off of it.

Ask Steve about this Try...Remind him that ILMH also reads and posts here...I would NEVER, EVER wish to tell a BS to "stuff their pain"...I would not be that callous and cruel...And I do understand the need to be validated...But I often wonder how beneficial it is to RECOVERY...Your stated goal...I want you to get to a place where you are comfortable, but I don't wish for you to eventually walk past that place into "wound picking"...Not healthy for you or ILMH...

I fear that too much commiseration results in keeping you MISERABLE...I could be wrong...That is why my BEST ADVICE is to consult the professional, Steve Harley, where this is concerned...

Mrs. W

StillCrazy...

I understand very much what you are saying...Let me say that I had MANY, MANY opportunites to have an affair BEFORE my affair happened...I did not...That REALLY fed my belief that I was safe too! It wasn't until, for lack of a better phrase, "THE PERFECT STORM" hit that I succumbed...

Mrs. W

SC, I couldn't possibly agree more...

Thanks BB!

Even so Mrs W you obviously put yourself in the situation many many times.

I am not trying to rag on you or any other FWS, i just believe that it is not as simple as it seems on this board for affairs to happen that is just my personal opinion.

SC;



I think its even MORE SIMPLE than this board implies!
Look at how many marriages are impacted by infidelity!

Its overwhelming! Nearly every grown adult has some experience whether its their own marriage, or their parents, other family, friends.

Infidelity is EVERYWHERE.

And 10 years ago, I put myself up on a nice high pedestal!
I was a Sunday school teacher, baseball coach, supermom.
I never DREAMED that I would experience this. And I too had previous opportunities that I never acted on. But suddenly there I was.

And you know what? I'm GLAD I got knocked off that pedestal.
I'm glad I was humbled.

Lexxy has made a really good point here to SC and MEDC, and that is, let's think about how we can help TTH and answer his original question. I feel as if the posts where people have taken a lot of time to thoughtfully answer TTH's question are becoming overshadowed by a soap box debate about character weaknesses. Just Learning et al have posted some incredible insights and those posts are buried in the middle of this maelstrom. I'm afraid TTH isn't getting the benefit of what they have to say.

Maybe SC and MEDC can make a new thread so that they can argue their points and invite comments, but keep this one on topic? Whaddya say? :eek:


Mrs Z.

Putting myself in the situations? No, not really...I was just going about my life and had many approaches-in PUBLIC places-work, the mall, out with Mr. W even...I was at HOME when OM contacted me on the other hand...A place where I certainly felt safe...OM who I had known since I was 12 years old...Hindsight being what it is, Mr. W and I both now know better...No kidding that we BOTH didn't then...We were Gen X "cool"..."liberal"...believed we could have friends of the opposite sex...And now? Well, we know better, and when you know better, you do better...

Mrs. W

LMAO

Here is TTH original question and my response agrees with TTH so i think i am on the subject of the original thread and giving my opinion same as you are.

What Mrs Z and some others here are saying is that you can answer the question as posed SC...so long as your answer matches theirs.

SC - I'm confused. Why would you be amazed at what your Neice did, yet consider it the easier choice?

I sometimes think the words "simple" and "easy" get used interchangeably, but they aren't the same thing. Protecting your weaknesses is simple, it just isn't always easy.

And this is what i said in the very beginning. That if you do not put yourself in the situation it CAN NOT happen.

*T/J ALERT* (Is it possible to do that to your own thread?...)

Anyway,

MrsW, I haven't seen Res or W2S around for a while. Any idea why? I think their perspective could be really good for both ILMH and I right now.

*T/J OVER*