Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 14 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 13 14
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Maybe this would be a good time to spend some effort envisioning how you want to spend the next 20 years. Consider this a turning point, a chance to reinvent yourself - with or without the spouse. Include her in the discussion, without recrimination. Work on possible futures for both of you, both together and apart. If you approach it like adults, she may start feeling safer with you and consider spending the 20 years with you.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
I think you're absolutely right cat. Our discussion the other day was the first time I really told her I'd be ok without her, she even acknowledged that.

I think my biggest hurdle right now is how to deal with the next 5 months or so. Like I've said, the living situation here is locked. Both of our housing allowance goes to paying the rent. the only way to split is to have someone let us live with them for free. Neither of us has anyone close enough to do that with. Neither of us wants to be without the kids and the stress of living here for the kids will only be compounded if the parents split. I truly believe she is just avoiding the whole situation, she doesn't want to deal with it. I offer options, she chooses none. She just wants to stay the way we are, hoping that our move will cause some kind of devine solution to everything. The stress of moving a family across the world is enough without marital problems. She's going with me she says, why? Even if we split, she says she will follow me because of the kids, why? She thinks the kids will choose to stay with me, but she'll follow anyway, why? If you want your freedom from this marriage, why follow the source of your discontent, why? She has the chance to move somewhere, start over, be free and away from me, why stress us both out by following me? Is it some kind of vindictive way of torturing me? I know she could live right next door to me and not feel an ounce of empathy for my pain, not one iota. But why would she want to? I just don't get it? Whatever, I just want the pain to go away.

I don't know how to deal with the emotional stress of living with her under these conditions. I still love her, I didn't have any kind of blow to my psyche that all the sudden changed my feelings for her. I never lost any love for her even before any of this happened, she knows it, that's why I can't get over the fact that I think she's still in some kind of daze (all irrelevant). I need to survive these next 5 months without ending up hating her. Right now it's the only way I know that I can live in the same house but not have a married relationship. I know everyone here says the BS should not move out of the "marital" bed but I've already done it, she doesn't know it yet, I've slept downstairs the last two nights but blame it on falling asleep. I'm going to tell her my decision tonight, she won't care either way, we've talked about it before. It's too hard for me. I can't lie next to her and have nothing, can't do it. Not because I don't want to lie with her but because it hurts too much, I can't sleep with her back to me physically and emotionally. I know the end is not here yet and I don't want to lose my love for her. I don't fear anymore what may happen in the future, i only fear that this situation will cause me to hate her as a defense mechanism from which I may never be able to come back from, or cause irreparable harm because of it. My only concern right now is to survive until we leave here without ruining any chance of hope. I don't believe it's impossible, many have survived much longer than that under worse circumstances. By the time we leave here it will have been a year since her return. A year out of a lifetime is peanuts, but it's still a year. One of four for a highschooler.

I just want to get through each day. We go to Hawaii in August, I hope we're still "cordial" by then. I'd hate to spend 18 hrs traveling and 12 days in paradise with someone you hate and hates you back. Who knows, i may not go, i'll suck up the 1400 dollars. Wouldn't be fair to brother though, we'll see.

I had a great day today, first one in a week I haven't cried like a B$*^! I feel as if my heart hardened ever so slightly though after our talk. I hope it isn't a sign of things to come. I'm not the nicest person in the world to people I don't care for. I can feel Taker getting revved up, at least I know he's there now. I never recognized him before, just thought it was me, and I needed him. I won't be duped by letting him get carried away, I think it may be time for him to show face for awhile though. Nothing bad, just a little self preservation.

hanks for the words cat!


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
And cat

We had those discussions about possible futures apart on sunday. We talked about it like adults, like we were buddies having chat. Turned my stomach though. I can feel my detachment growing by the minute. She asking when I'm coming up to bed, I haven't told her yet, no b%$ls. So I'll hang out down here until I fall asleep. I actually sleep until the alarm with a little help from my doctor prescribed nocturnal regeneration supplement (sleeping pills). I feel good, need to find more workout time in my schedule, it feels good too. She'll find out sooner than later, i just ordered a futon sofa bed for the downstairs room. I'll have to tell her then, especially if she's here when they deliver it. Wonder how she's going to react, doesn't matter. She's happy with the way things are right? What does it matter where I sleep, she doesn't touch me in bed anyway, maybe she likes to hear me breath. Nah, she doesn;t hear anything, she's always out old by the time I come up. Unless the kids pop in and she;ll be wide awake in a second. If I try to kiss her good night, just a small smile and a grunt. So she won;t be missing anything, other than her husband lying next to her with a dagger sticking out of my left ventrical curled up in the fetal position trying not to accidently touch her and make her flinch away. Wow, that pill is making me type slow. And my scren looklikes it swimming around a bit. Have the time I go up there and she got all our covers wrapped around her so got to yank them off her and then I get more grunts. Being apart won't be so bad. A couple of young girls at the club on base told me I looked like "The Rock" (I was working patrol, don't get ideas). So i'll be ok. Gotta get back in the groove. Dust off my disco outfits and roll out. 6'2" 210lb atheletic half filipino looking for fun. I used to be a smooth operator back when I had more hair. DO women really go for the shaved head look nowadays? Got my bachelors degree now, I'll have retirement pay and a new start on life. DO blondes really have more fun? This will all be after we split you know. I'm not like that anymore. I'm a chnaged man, a good man, a awesome dad and pretty dang good cook. I ride a Harley and have tattoos all over, what do you think? I wonder if all of this will be censored, I didn;t curse!

Anyway cat, We talked about all kind of scenarios. Only one is satisfactory to me but what can I do. Where are they sending me, that is the question of the day. I'll have about a month left before I get my options, another month for them to decide who gets what. I've been a convicted sinner for years now, so you know my luck is going to suck, I'll get the coldest joint in the states. Kids won't want to go, they can haul a$$ to Arizona where we belong and I'll be stuck by myself in some cold a$$ place by myself. It would be nice to have place with a lake nearby so I can ride my new waverunner I bought before I knew i was coming to this s%$t hole.

These pills they gave me got me all looopy. I'm going to couch (bed). I can't wait for my futon, it looks so nice and comfy, the couch is a little short for my 74" and size 12 feet. The I can fold it up and read my books. It doesn't sound so bad does it?

ciao


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
{{{Dino}}}

You sound like such a nice person, I have high hopes for your future. Have faith. A lot can happen in 5 months; and when you start improving yourself and being ok with yourself, you're going to start looking a lot more attractive to her. (or a lot of other women; you certainly sound attractive! smile )

I just want to throw out one thing: living in the cold is very attractive to a LOT of people! Do NOT make the mistake (or let your kids hear you doing it) of assuming that your kids won't want to live in a cold climate. Hockey, skiing, sledding, snowmobiling, ice castles, white Christmas...need I say more?

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
Wow cat

I just read my post and I must have been under the influence BIG time. I never reacted like that with one of those sleeping pills. I was laughing as I was reading it on how I'm describing myself like I was on some dating site.

Anyway, we talked this morning. She asked why I was sleeping downstairs, I told her everything. I just don't get it. She's rubbing my head and has her arm around me while were talking, WTF! I just told her it was too hard for me and I just want to get through the next 5 months without hating her. She asked me why would I hate her, "we just grew apart", I told her that was a cop out statement. She just won't let go of the past, bottom line. She sticks with the statement that she won't be able to heal while we're still here. She hasn't forgiven herself for what she did. All kinds of stuff. I told her I wouldn't hate her, but I have to start protecting myself. I don't discount anything she tells me, but I don't want to hear it anymore. I've heard it all a thousand times already. She's still trying to justify to me why she's acting or feeling the way she does, it's not going to make me feel better about any of this so I wish she would save her breath. I told her I couldn't turn off my feelings for her no matter how I tried. Told her I understood that she could just stay in this situation and be ok. Again she starts with the "all these yrs did this to me, I didn't change overnight, I just hid it well". I told her I didn't buy it, she's still copping out. Noone could hide that well for that long, no way. Her time away made her weak so she fell into a big mistake and this is her way of justifying distancing herself. Unfortunately it may cost us our marriage. I'm starting to accept it, sucks but WTF.

We talked more about possibilities. I asked her why she wants to move with me, why shes making her plans around me. I told her not to follow me because it's convient for her, since she won't be established. I told her I'd even help her money-wise until she got on her feet wherever it is she wants to go. I had to fight off my taker a couple of times during the discussion. She continutes to say it's for the good of the children to stay together at least another 4 yrs. I told her it was unacceptable, I'm tired of all this "sacrifice" bs. I told her i never wanted her to ever sacrifice another thing at all for me, ever. She says we have to make sacrifices in a relationship, I pulled out my MB knowledge and said it's not sacrificing, it's doing things you want to do to make your spouse happy (good huh?). I'm just fed up finally with all the rearview gabble. I'm not looking back again unless it to remember good things. If she can't let go, then we're done.

She asked what we're going to tell the kids about me sleeping downstairs, i told her I already talked with the kids about us having problems. She got upset because I didn't consult her first, she didn't consult me about her A or our marriage problems right? I told her to tell them whatever she wanted to, they know where they stand with me. She asked what we'd tell the family if we split up, I told her I'd tell everyone the truth, about what I did back then and what she did. She got upset, "why do they need to know our business, we can tell them we grew apart", i told her again that was a cop out. I'm not willing to be dishonest anymore to anyone, especially our family. They wouldn't believe "grew apart" anyway. I agree we grew apart but I also believe we can gorw back together, she doesn't believe it. She still lives in la la land where people look at each other and it just "happens". Too bad, we could have something as special or better than we had. What a shame.
I still believe she's going to see the light, but I'm not banking on it. She's got alot to deal with and soon she's going to be dealing with it on her own. i'm running out of energy to take care of myself and her at the same time.

I still hope we go somewhere warm cat. We're from Arizona, lived in cali, Hawaii. So cold isn't our thing. We could have fun in a cold place but it would be nice to have a warm summer, or sun at least. England is just dreary. it's June for christ sakes and the forecast is rain and 50s all week, same as last week. If there was mountains or something we could find something to do, but there isn't anything here to do besides sightsee. I'm a doer. Even just getting out to sight see costs a arm and leg. 8 bucks a gallon for gas downtown, so driving isn't any cheaper. No snow here either, just wet, muddy cold. I don't even ride my Harley because I'm a fair weather rider. Riding is supposed to be fun. Wearing a parka and rain gear and not being able to see because your helmet is covered in muck isn't fun. My skin is so pale I look like I've been on chemo. I ain't about to go to tannig booth like most of the brits do. My kids poke fun at them and say they look orange, like Oompa Loompas.

Anyway, I struggle with what to do with the kids when we leave. I know we'll end up in Az when I retire. I'm planning retiring a year after we get back. The kids will be a junior and freshman. We talked about her moving to Az with the kids and setting up and i'd follow a yr later but I don't want to be away from the kids for a yr of their highschool. I'd rather have them with me and we move together a yr later to Az. Plus I don't want to give her the satisfaction of having her cake and having the kids too. She wants to be out on her own, she can be out on her own, alone like she wants. It eats at me that I could be the one on my own when she's the one who wants to bail on the marriage (and family, although she says family is important to her). I don't know what to do. I'm done being a martyr. it's going to be hard to not be sour towards her. Right before we finished this morning, she says she knows I'm going to start being salty towards her, i asked her what did she expect, that I was going to ump and down with joy? I told her I wouldn't be that way, we'll see. I closed with this, "I'm not giving up, if it takes us yrs to grow back and become happy again, I'm willing to do that. If we end up married for 50 yrs, a couple of yrs of [censored] won't mean much." She agreed. She doesn't convince me. She needs to feel some heat, she's been coasting on the love boat for a few months now. I'm done placating. If She wants a roommate, she's got one.

thanks cat!


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
Another thought

Maybe I'll just take my Harley, waverunner and plasma and take my a$$ to Hawaii. Always wanted to live there anyway. i don't need much, a place for a tv, a couch/bed and lots of sun. Sounds pretty good huh? I would like to wait until the kids get out on their own but if they want to live with mom, wtf. i'll get a myspace account and talk to them that way, their on it enough, probably talk to them more that way. Find me a surfer girlfriend and die tan and smiling.


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
Dino, are you still on those new pills?!

I know you said before that you have empathy for your wife, but I am just not seeing it. You want to be a good husband, but you are not offering any patience to give your wife time to heal and get her head back on straight. In fact you make the presumptive judgment that she should be at a point that she keeps telling you she is not at yet.

Do you think maybe you have a problem with not being in control?

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
Snuggle
I don't think anybody likes NOT being in control. So yes, I have a problem with it.

As far as presuming that she should be at ANY point right now would be wrong for me. I thought that I could MAYBE presume that she still wanted to be my WIFE after all of this but if I did that, I would be WRONG again.

I'm just trying to survive 5 months, thats all.


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
Snuggle

Don't get me wrong and forgive me if I sound a little sour, I'm not. I feel better than I have a long time. I think I've finally smartened up a bit and am expecting absolutely nothing from her, nada. Probably just on the up swing of this rollercoaster from H^%$. Not sleeping in the same bed has done me wonders. She seems to make some comment everyday about how it would be better for me to sleep upstairs, she even volunteered to sleep downstairs herself, thanks anyway. My futon will be here next thursday and I'll be all set. All the sudden I'm getting a hug here and there, thanks again. I'm happy about it, but am unwilling to attach meaning, I hate this feeling. I don't like sharing my home and kids with someone who isn't my wife. There is a piece of paper that says so, but she's not here right now. We're still getting along great.

As far as patience goes, I've still got plenty. I just choose to deal with it in a different way, no more boohooing. I knew I'd have to harden myself just a little, didn't want to, but have to. I'm not making any judgments of her, as a matter of fact, I don't expect her to do anything, and that's exactly what she's doing. I'm not treating her any different than I have been. I'm definitely not looking for anything from her. I'm not even hoping for anything anymore. Whatever comes, comes. Like I said, she's gonna have to decide something, someday, it's inevitable, we won't last like this. Ok, "I" won't last like this. I told her that even if it tooks yrs to make our marriage better, I was willing and I am. But our situation the way it is now will not make it possible. This living situation is a breeding ground for poison and hate. We'll see soon enough.

I hope you haven given up hope for me snuggle, I'm still doing fine and I'm not turning into an A^%hole. I'm a little aggravated, I admit. I just get so frustrated about this whole male/female relationship thing. Look at this; for the last 3-4 months, I've been nothing but nice and considerate and everything, she's been nothing but distant. For the last few days I've been a little aloof and maybe a little snippy, and I start sleeping downstairs, all the sudden she's all nice and talkative and hugging me and tells me she loves me after I kiss her goodnight? I'm so stinkin twisted I don't know what to do. Don't get me wrong, she ain't all over me by no means or even close, but the last couple of days have been different. All in my head probably.

Anyway, life is a roadtrip, you can look at where you've been, or you can look at where you're going. As you're busy switching between the two, the blurry things you see passing beside you are the todays. Notice how they only come into focus when you turn your head and stay with them? The only REAL way to see today is to stop and look. Something to think about.


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
Hi Dino! Don't worry, I haven't given up hope for you. I know this is a rough time for you and it is only natural that your emotions will be up and down.

I'm glad you are feeling better and not boohooing anymore. I never want you to boo hoo!! Those are the times when you need to detach and let go of expectations. If you balance that with having empathy for your wife, then you can be kind without being weak ... you can be unaffected by her behavior and still be supportive.

I think it's probably normal for her to react to your changes. Just be careful that you don't confuse her more than she already is. Personally, I think she does still love you, you have been part of her life for 18 years after all. But while she was the perfect wife for you, she wasn't being true to herself. If she's going to stay your wife, she will want to be a wife that you are happy with, but what that was in the past she knows she can't do, so how can she be true to herself and a good wife to you? That's what she is trying to figure out right now. Not a very simple question to answer. You don't think she really wants to keep things the way they are right now do you? Remember when your kids were little and how sometimes it would take them awhile to figure out how to do something, but you had to be patient and let them figure it out? I think that is the kind of patience you need to have ... no pressure, not huffing and puffing in the background implying "you dumb kid why don't you figure it out" and of course not taking over and doing it for them, just being there and perhaps offering a loving suggestion when appropriate.

Hope today is in focus and really beautiful for you smile

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
thanks Snuggle

Everything you say makes so much sense. I know she's having a hard time. I really feel for her because her job is taking a heavy toll on her. She had to work both days again this weekend. I'm doing everything I can to support her but I feel a little helpless in that arena. She's only got a couple of months left but to her it seems an eternity. It's affecting her health and I ask her to see someone but she's so stubborn, she tries to handle all of this on her own. She does a good job of venting to me after work and I'm glad she can unload some of it.

What you said about her wanting to be a good wife but remaining true to herself is right on spot I think. She's so afraid of things going back to the way they were that she's remaining closed off to me. I'm doing everything I can to show her she's safe, time can only tell.

Overall this weekend was ok. After work she came out and watched me play in a softball tournament. It was so good for me to she her out there. It reminded me of past times. Sports are a big thing for us and we used to watch each others events and hang out and have fun. I actually cried when she showed up but had to hide my tears. The weather was nice. She's so beautiful Snuggle, I miss her so much. I just don't know how to handle all of this, I'm so weak emotionally. I told her she was the hottest woman at the fields and I meant it. I don't know how to hold it together. I just miss her so much, I miss her touch, I miss her looking at me and telling me she loves me. Why did this have to happen? I just want someone to tell me everything will be ok. That my wife will love me again. Gosh I'm so pathetic.

How can I feel so depressed even though it's been almost 7 months since she dropped the bomb on me? Why do I love her so much? How did I attach so much of my well being on one person? I hate feeling like this but I don't know what to do. It comes and goes, today was a bad morning, I don't know why. It just hits me like a truck some times. I can't see it coming. I cried in my truck and all the way to work. Luckily it's allergy season so I have an excuse when everyone sees my red eyes. I'm 42 yrs old for christ sakes and I'm blubbering like a teenager. It seems like the only way for me to be ok is when I keep myself kind of pissy at the whole situation. Anyway, I just have to wait for this spell to blow over I guess. Good days bad days right?

Have an appt with the "mental health" doctor in about an hour. I've seen her about 4 times now but nothing seems to be helping me. I'm not even sure about what to talk about today, I feel like [censored]. I have alot of homework to do and I can't get myself focused. I miss her so much. I miss her so much.

Almost 2 weeks of sleeping on the couch now. My futon gets delivered on thursday. She tells me to sleep in the bed so my back doesn't get so sore but I just can't. I asked her the other morning if she really understood why I'm sleeping down there and she said yes. It's killing me both wasy but sleeping away from her seems to be better for me. I hope it's not causing her any stress because that's not what I want. It doesn't seem to be.

Anyway, thanks again. I hope I get something out of this next appt. I need for the day to take a positve turn. It's draining my soul.

ciao


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
Meeting with the doc went well I guess. I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to get out of these visits. I guess it's just an outlet for talk which is good since I don't have any real confidants here. I'm trying to figure out what exactly she's supposed to do to help me, she's getting paid well I assume. I don't get to pick my doc so I don't have much choice. I guess you really have to be in a bad spot to get some Happy pills. What do anti-depressants do anyway? Do they really help you when you're down? If so, I sure would like about a 5 month supply. I figure that's about how long I need to survive. Anyway, feeling a little better now. Wife called asking for some info, she sounded in a good mood, I love to hear her voice. Every minute we spend like this is another minute we can't get back, you know? I wish she could see how much better things could be. Her job situation would be alot easier to tolerate if things were happy at home, IMHO. I could help if she'd let me in.

more to come...


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
Hi Dino!

Hope that today was a good one for you. It is really a big thing that your wife can come home and unload to you about what is going on at work. That is huge. You may not feel like you are helping much, but you are. Just your presence is a big deal. I am sure that there is nothing that could comfort her more than just you listening. Please give yourself more credit on that smile

Patience my friend ...

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
Thanks for the vote of confidence Snuggle

Yesterday wasn't so good for me, just a bad day personally. Nothing bad between the two of us, just a weak day emotionally. She came home late again on the verge of tears. I feel so helpless. I want so bad to hand out a couple of beatings to the people at her work that are making her feel so bad. My protective instincts are really at full swing right now but there is nothing I can do.

I'm hoping this week will do her some good. She's taking some transition classes till the end of the week so she won't be going to the office hopefully. I'm quite sure they'll be calling her to come save them from some emergency that they created because of their incompetence. She's going to end up doing 8 hrs of training and then have to go work office issues for another 4hrs.

Anyway, everyday is a struggle. I'm still not sure if I can keep up this thing for another 5 months, it's too demanding on the soul. If she has really been feeling this way for the last couple of years, I have to give her credit for being so strong, theres no way I can see that happening. Saving a marriage is one thing but killing your soul and living with someone just for the sake of it is just too much. How can this be fulfilling in anyway. If this is really how she's been feeling, I can understand how she would want to get out, I just wished she would've been more honest with me, we could've made things better or saved each other some heartache.

I went upstairs to the bedroom in the middle of the night last night because it was too hot downstairs (no AC in England). Didn't sleep well at all. As soon as I laid down I started having all those thought again, thats why I moved out of the bed in the first place. I won't do it again. If she doesn't invite me back into our bed, I'll never sleep in it again. My futon get here in 2 days, my back is killing me, I can't wait. Should be having lunch with her today, I hope everything goes well, no doubt it will, just like two "friends" grabbing a bite smile


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
Oh well, woudda, couldda, shouldda, eh? You can't change the past ... but maybe sometimes you should change how you think about it. Don't second guess so much. You've really been seeing things in that half-empty light lately. I give you big kudos for recognizing how painful it must have been on your wife emotionally in the past. How about also recognizing that the bond between you two must be strong for her to have stuck with you anyway, huh? Maybe that was what was fulfilling to her. Don't be so black and white ... life is gray ... there's good and bad ... it's not all one or the other.

I must be starting to sound like a broken record to you ... LOL!

Have a great lunch (what's on the menu? Ooh, I'm feeling a little peckish smile ). Don't knock the friends things!! What I love most about my husband is that I can call him my best friend and it is true. Nobody knows me better, nobody else is more aware of my faults and yet still loves me. It's the starting point for our marriage. If you still have your starting point, I think you still have hope.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
Ya ya, I know. I hate that half-empty cup. It's like that sometimes though, it's the roller coaster we always talk about. Good days, bad days. I didn't even realize I was making references to the past, I said I wouldn't do that didn't I? I guess I'll need some time to be on the more positive side of the coin. I've been feeling so bad over the last few months that feeling good is kind of liek a new feeling for me. I hope she's having soem good moments herself, I hope I'm somewhere in there too.

I like having those talks with her. I like to be aware of whats around me and how she's thinking but at the same time, i don't want to press her, you know?

We're doing good Snuggle, thanks for reminding me about that. I guess I'm just impatient about things. I told her about my optimism and she wondered why I would be so optimistic. I just told her that I had this overwhelming feeling that we could have things so much better. That in the past I knew we had problems but had no ideas why or how to fix them. I told her my "research" over the last few months has brought all of our problems in to the light and I said I knew exactly what I did wrong and I know exactly how to prevent them from happening again, so theres where my optimism comes from. I hope she absorbs some of the things I tell her. Sometimes I can see this little glint of light in her eyes, like she sees something but isn't quite sure what to make of it. When I told her I was willing to work years to get our marriage back and that a couple of years out of a 50yr marriage is nothing, I saw her thinking. She was nodding her head and wondering about what I said. I hope she realizes I'm being genuine.

I do want her as my friend, i sure could use one right now. All we have is each other at the moment (at least i hope, I'm still unsure if she's contacing him via cell). But thats the least of my worries, if she values a phone realtionship over our marriage than thats her choice. I want her to see me as the friend I used to be, I failed miserably at that the last few yrs. I'm trying to rebuild that trust, it will take awhile but I think I'm doing pretty well.

Thanks again Snuggle, I can definitely use that cold slap to the head once in awhile. She just called me for lunch, I'm smiling. I miss her so bad.

i'm such a [censored], I haven't even asked you how things are going with the knucklehead at your office, is he still being a bonehead?


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
One of the things that scares me the most is that I feel as if I don't know her anymore. We did used to be very good friends but somewhere along the line we lost that. I do think we're friends and I feel as if we're working towards that again, slowly but it seems to be getting better. My fear that I don't know her is overwhelming. It's just that all the events of the past year and all of the things she's told me about how she's felt all of these yrs, how she feels now, they all reenforce how little I really knew and it's scary. My reality of the past is not what is here now.

Even when times were rough, she never treated me the way she does now. She seems so "hard" now, sometimes can be downright rude. She does tell me that alot of whats happened to her at work and the stress of her job has made her change her attitude to be alot more rough in her personality. But she seems to carry some of that home with her now.

Lunch was good yesterday. She looked so beautiful, she didn't have to wear her uniform so she was in business attire. I guess I could possibly be looking this all wrong. We are getting along better, but I seem to miss her even more the closer we get. It doesn't make sense to me but not alot does right now. She told me the other night that I didn't need to sleep downstairs, I told her I knew that. Like I said, I did go upstairs the other night but it made me feel like [censored] and I didn't sleep for crap so it's back downstairs for me.

It's so hard to keep up this plutonic relationship with my wife of 18 yrs. It's hard to wrap my mind around it. We were talking about after retirement stuff last night. Talking about money and whatnot, she says she can't count on my money for her well being, like were going to be separated. Then in the next breath, she says that we are going to have a house payment to worry about also, "we" as in both of us together. I know I shouldn't dissect such trivial info but it's really hard not to. Kind of goes along the lines of the Freudian theory.

Anyway, lunch with her again today. looking forward to it. My allergies are killing me this morning, too bad I haven't been crying because my eyes look like they have.


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
Hi Dino!

How was lunch? You know I bet your wife is feeling somewhat similar to you about getting her hopes up right now. You're scared to hope she will choose to stay married and she's probably scared to hope you've changed for real. And just like you, she wants it to be true but is scared to let herself want it. Only time can convince you it's safe to hope again.

You're such a sweetheart. Thanks for asking about my work thing. It got ugly for a week or so when the guy I was having problems with tried to make trouble by complaining to higher ups. But I'm like a Boy Scout ... LOL... always prepared wink I had all my documentation ready to go (the contradicting emails were priceless!) so it was easy for everyone to see that this guy was full of it and write him off. This last week I haven't heard a peep, so I am hoping he's gotten the message and taken his marbles to play elsewhere.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
D
Dino69 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 191
You know what,

I really envy her ability to handle all of this stuff. She really know show to handle pressure. I don't know of anyone who could take was she takes from her job and still be halfway sane. It must be getting bad though because she actually mentioned talking to someone about the effects on her health. Of course she came right back and said she didn't know what good it would do to talk to someone, she said talking to someone wouldn't change her work environment any, so I left it at that.

In all of this, you would never think she was having problems in the marriage department though. I guess all these years she honed that skill of pretending down to a science. I was at her office the other week and she was introducing me to everyone smiling "this is my husband Dino". Almost like she as proud to do so. It's funny, the way she acts used to be a reenforcer for me about how good things were, now it just confuses the crap out of me. I guess thats why I'm so jealous of her about that. Even at home she acts as if everything is "status quo" while I'm struggling to look like the happy husband. I wish I could master that way of controlling my emotions and actions. The only way you would be able to tell anything was wrong at our house is the utter lack of physcial contact and of course my sleeping downstairs. Even the kids seem used to it already, they actually come down to kiss me good night, it just crushes my heart for them to have to see all of this. They only know were having trouble, no specifics.

I'm glad things have shaken out at work for you. Maybe he'll find someting better to do with all that useless energy.

Going to have lunch with wife again today. We used to do lunch all the time before she got the job from H311. I always feel so needy when I know I'm about to see her. It consumes my thoughts, you know? Sometimes it keeps me from doing things and I know it's not healthy. Like I said, I just miss her soooo bad. Is it natural to feel a little awkward when we're alone together? I always feel unsure about how to act, kind of like a teenager out on a date. I try to act natural but that would involve kissing and touching her or making little comments that may be inappropriate right now. Gosh, I feel like I look like such a fool when I'm around her. I've got a serious self esteem issue, but it's only around her, is that natural also? I'm starting to ramble a bit.

Off to lunch, I'm feeling a little rumbling in the gut.

Thanks Snuggle


FWH/BS (me)42, FBS/WW 39, married 18 yrs, WW A discovered 3/03/2008, my A discovered 06/2003
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 200
Wow, lunch together 2 days in a row! That seems like a good thing. I bet it is a nice lift to her day to see you too.

I do think it seems normal to feel awkward and to overthink things a bit after what has happened. Finding out about an affair is just about the biggest shakeup you can have in a marriage. You'll find your feet again eventually. I'm sure you don't seem at all foolish or silly to anyone else. You're just in your head about it is all. Like when I get up to speak in front of a big group, I always feel nervous and like I'm doing a million things wrong, but when I see video playback later, I look just fine. Nobody could tell.

You are really doing a great job at handling all this. You both are. Your kids are lucky to have you two. A lot of adults would not be so strong in the same situation.

Page 7 of 14 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 13 14

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5