Agreed.

I hope part of your atty's strategy is using her complete and utterly non-motherly, non-family, non-stability building history against her.

You would think that the ability to provide a stabile home life, without musical father figures and disposable family members for your children would figure somewhere on that eval.

PS to Mr. W., thanks for the tip on the mastercard rewards going into the college account! I use Fidelity and can't believe I missed that (so against credit cards I won't use them but that is worth looking into).

I honestly think if -anything- I personally took away from the eval is just how unstable WB and WW's childhood/lives have been.. I would hope to shout that this plays a major role in my atty's strategy.. and I will be pushing for this.

The WHOLE POINT of asking the judge to determine custody is to determine where DS will be better off in receiving a good foundation for his life. I'm relatively sure that if the judge even cares at all he's not going to want to see DS 20 years down the road in his courtroom getting a divorce because he was raised not to value his family and his promises by people who don't value family and their promises because THEY were raised by people who don't value family and promises.

The generational curse of divorce..

Ok.. just cutting to this point. But believe me MEDC, the rest of that post meant a lot to me coming from you... so I'm not simply discounting it. I do appreciate.


Wanted to focus on the bold part here and say that I disagree. DSD also knows who loved her and was there for her for almost 5 years before all this happened.

You are however correct that I don't have any right to go against WW's wishes regarding DSD.

I agree...I mean NOW...she only hears what her mom tells her now. Before this all happened, I am certain she felt loved and cared for by you. All the more reason to back off...so that she will not lose those good feelings.

I was not in any way saying he should add more drama to DSD life and I did not say the she will NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE if James does not force his way into her life.

However, every time someone disappears from her life.....it will get more difficult for her to do so.

I'm not going to debate child psychology and James' "abuse" or responsibility of DSD's emotional well-being with you.

If James CHOOSES to be responsible for a part of her emotional well-being - than he gets to do that. If he chooses NOT to, he gets to do that, too.

This has been beaten to death and since I was speaking to James and he seems to understand what I said - I'll leave it at that.

You're a good man, James. I think Mr. W's idea is WONDERFUL.

Sorry the eval wasn't more clear cut. Interesting that it didn't say if DS was placed with YOU that WW should get more than the normal guidelines.

Fox

Exactly, MEDC.

Again.. we are harmonious on this.

It's the line between backing off and abandoning her altogether that I'm struggling to find.

Foxie's right though.. we've come to a point of accord on this and the message has rung through.

It's up to me now to find the -right- way to love that little girl.

Boy am I glad that I wasn't the only one picked up on this..

thought I was 'fishing' or hoping a little too much.

Hope the judge gets the same slant.

actually I look at her comments in a very, very negative way....my take is that she sees it as a foregone conclusion that the status-quo will be maintained and that Jame's should, at best, get more time than the norm given to non-custodial parents.

We'll see how it works out.. no sense trying to divine what she meant by it or how the judge will take it.

We won't know until we know.

True, but you do know (and we know you know) that you can't be 2 prepared for a bloodbath in the courtroom.

Ask for the world, and make your compromises from there. Don't start with 5050 split and try 2 work up from there.

-ol' 2long

ABSOLUTELY!


lesson learned

lesson learned

lesson learned

{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}}

You are getting some great, but very hard advice there sir. I can't possibly understand the pain your are in over DSD.

I found this back a few pages and knowing you and your walk with G-d found is strking. How about letting G-d figure out a way to do this. One thing my old sponsor says to me all the time, G-d doesn't have grandchildren. What is happening in that little girl's life, G-d is working hard to correct, teach her something and rectify. TRUST G-d, as JT always says, he is working towards the good.

The eval. sucks in my opinion, but that's reality and the law at it's best. It so hard to just have cold facts on black and white when there are LIVES involved. Sadly that is the truth.

I think what you are doing for DSD is awesome, but you and I do love to control things or have them work out just as WE envision them. G-d has a plan, and his plans won't be thwarted.

A bloodbath in court. What a digusting thought, but you have G-d on your side. You can only do the footwork and leave the outcome in G-ds hands. I TRULY KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS. But to keep walking through this to the other side so that we don't change as loving caring people, we have to just do the footwork..

Your day with that child will come. She will KNOW inside what the truth is and one day, in G-d time you will get to talk to her free of any fences so to speak. TRUST G-D.

James,

I've read the recent stuff on your thread with great interest and sympathy over the last days. As you know, I have a DSS to whom I have been 'Mom' for 7 years.

I dealt with an agonizing sitch with him last weekend. My 'take' on it is that Drac situated things so that DSS thought he wasn't coming to my house for the weekend as the 'schedule' calls for and then felt obligated to say he was staying with his Dad. Drac played it that it was DSS's decision. I'll never know the TRUTH. Either way, DSS did not come and I did not get to see him on his birthday.

I can't tell you the amount of tears that I cried over that. Then,,,,,,,I pulled myself up and after talking with family, I realized that it wasn't about ME. It's about whatever dynamic is going on between Drac and DSS. It's not good, but I am not allowed to know for sure. All I can do is speculate.

All I can do is control ME. All I can do is be here, ready, willing, able, with open arms to give that boy whatever love I can and under whatever circumstances I can.

Pressing the issue with Drac yields only conflict. I don't need that. Pressing DSS only puts him in a totally unfair situation. I WON'T do that.

So, I sit back. I provide the best example I can to DSS, when I can of a loving, healthy relationship. I'm not perfect, and with limited time, along with DSS's challenges, I just do the best I can.

It is HARD, HARD, HARD, to be the patient one. But, as parents, that is part of our role. I also realized that EVERY child breaks their parent's heart at one time or another (well, maybe not Chrisner's DD20:):), but that is a part of parenting. Whether it was DSS or Drac, it's something I have to deal with. I don't have to like it, and God knows I don't!! For goodness sake *I* was the one that paid the legal fees for Drac to obtain FULL LEGAL custody of him!! The plan was to then wait the appropriate amount of time before legally adopting him.

And for all of that I get reminders from Drac about how I'm not "legally entitled to any visitation" and that I "don't have to deal with his issues day in and day out when I have him 4 days a month". Well DUH! Whose decision was that? Who dealt with it 24/7 for the last 7 years???!!! UGH!!!

But ya know what, Drac is right. I don't have any 'legal rights'. At the same time, try as he might, Drac can NOT ERASE what DSS knows he's meant to me, and what he means to me to this very moment, and what he will mean to me to the end of time. NOTHING can take that way.

Nothing your WS does will erase YOU from your DSD's memories. And we know they are GOOD memories!! Make sure your actions keep them that way.

I guess what I am saying, in my own way as someone in a similar sitch, is what other's have said to you already. You can't MAKE it happen with DSD. Just do the best you can with what you've been left with. She WILL know someday and she will appreciate it.

In the meantime, take care of you. Be Armed for Battle!!! I mean that both legally and spiritually.

{{{James}}}

Bugs,

You are da BUGS BOMB!!!

Great post.

(((((((((((Bugs))))))))))))

I don't get BugsBombed as often as I used to these days, but I tell you what.. you are one righteous lady.

I think this is exactly where I need to find a way to get to regarding DSD.

Unfortunately the forecast calls for an increased chance of ugliness around here in the imminent future.

I'm not going to push the issue with WW for DSD's birthday.. I'm just going to open the account and shut my mouth.

I'll always be here for DSD if the opportunity ever comes. I'm never going to stop loving that little girl.

{{{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}

Bugs is so smart, isn't she....

Good stuff, James. Hang in there.

Thanks guys.

Wish I could say I was really doing as well as it seemed.

Due to some things going on right now, and my suspicions that WW is now privvy to my thread, I'm going to have to be a little more vague.

I'm not changing names or moving around.. though I think it's about time I started a new thread on the Divorcing/Divorced section.

Suffice it to say, there have been too many lines in the sand crossed. I can no longer reconcile within myself the thought of a woman so blinded by her selfish entitlements and what she wants to believe that she is so careless with the well being of her children.

I'll re-evaluate in a few days probably, once I'm a bit less emotional (back to smoking more/eating less/not sleeping.. not as bad as immediately after Dday but close)... but at this moment, I feel like I've found and touched 'done'

Now it's time for me to right myself with God and my children and get on with my life. I just hope and pray that He will forgive me for not being strong enough, or patient enough to wait on Him... I just hurt too much to hang on.



Repentance by Dream Theater

Hello, mirror
So glad to see you my friend
It´s been a while

Staring at the empty page before me
All the years of wreckage running through my head
Patterns of my life I thought I don´t ...
Revealing hurt for shame and deep lament

Overwhelming sorrow now absorbs me
As the pen begins to trace my darkest past
Signs throughout my life that should have warned me
Of all the wrongs I´ve done for which I must repent

I once thought it better to regret
Things that I have done and haven´t

Sometimes you´ve got to be wrong
Learn the hard way
Sometimes you´ve got to be strong
When you think it´s too late

Staring at the finished page before me
All the damage now so clear and evident
Thinking ´bout the dreaded task in store for me
A bitter fear at the thought of my amends

Hoping that the step will help restore me
To face my past and ask for forgiveness
Cleaning up my dirty side of this unswept street
Could this be the begin of the end

I once thought it better to regret
Things that I have done and haven´t

Sometimes you´ve got to be wrong
Learn the hard way
Just when you´re through hanging on
You´re saved