I'm not in your country.

some help for me MOVING FORWARD would have been nice, but thanks anyway.

Ye, they have been posted in JFO and GQ.

I don't want to start arguing with everyone. But, I think it's a little bit crazy for people to come in here and start saying "you are too immature for marriage" and things of that nature. Are we not all here for the same reason? I ould not do that to you, and expect you to not do that to me.

Emotions really run hot at a time like this. I hope some of you can hang on and give some help. It's easy to make mistakes in a situation like this; I'd venture to say everyone here has messed up Plan A or Plan B or plan RO or whatever.

Introvert, try to not feel too defensive, these guys can be a huge help but you might get some 2 by 4's in the meantime. What sets this board apart from so many others, is the vets here cut to the chase and leave out a lot of fluffy words at times. It may seem harsh, but actually it can help you develop and work a plan so much faster that way!

I looked at her cell phone records and saw that she spoke to him over the phone for about a week longer than the date that she originally told me she went NC going with him. I got upset, and called him. He told me that they had more sex during the affair than she admitted to me. The affair ended 2 months ago (when I caught them)...they both acknowledge that as true. She finally admitted that he was telling the truth about the amount of sex...I asked her to leave...ahe did...she came back...the rest is history.

I realize that I need to stop getting angry and stop asking her to leave when I get more truths (I'm assuming that is what you mean when you refer to when you mention ENs in your reply)

Thanks for listening and helping.

I understand that...I just don't think that doing it over and over and over is going to help anyone. The pot calling the kettle black does not work. No wonder people lie about stuff when people who are here for the same reason are going to question their level of maturity...it ain't right.

I've admitted my wrong doing...said I'm going to obey the NC from now on... and that should be that.

Does anyone really think that I started this thread with the assumption that you all were going to pat me on the back and say "way to go introvert!"...no I didn't. I'm owning my [censored], and want to discuss how to move forward.

I'm raising my hand on that one...because of this next quote..






This doesn't look like someone recognizing anything other than he had a good time in the back seat of the car. (lol gave it away).

"Update"...that's all it was.

committed

Edit to add:
I cannot speak for anyone else, but I is really easy to pick out the posters that are serious about recovery. They are willing to do whatever HARD work that it takes. It is easy to spot the ones thriving on the drama.
It is easy to spot the ones that claim to be over it, then visit it everyday under guises of curiousity.
It is easy to spot the ones that are emotionally immature.
And it is generally easy to spot the ones so deep in it they can't see anything.

Whatever category you fall in for me...is just that...my own personal take on it.

You're right. I now recognize that it was a mistake.

I'm open to 2x4 swinging about the situation.

I know that I need to repect my WW's emotional needs by not swinging 2x4's at her when more trickle truths arise...but, I also know that when 2x4's get swung at me (i.e....questioning my maturity level) it does not meet my EM's from members of this forum. Isn't that why we are all here?

So are you going to help, or just put your label on me, swing a 2x4 and move along? I'm here for help.

I'm curious...where do you think this leaves you as far as recovering your marriage, Introvert?

I'm not going to debate the "right or wrong" of your choice to meet (etc...) with her. I'm curious...if she was "with" you in that fashion, where does she now stand in her affair with OM? Did this affect her "plans" in some fashion?

We're not here to meet each others ENs.

We're here to help one another build M.

Stop complaining about the 2 by 4s. If folks didn't care about you, they'd IGNORE you.

What kind of advice do you want, Introvert? It seems like you are looking for some brand of advice and you are not getting it here. What in the world could we tell you here?

I think you contributed to your wife's affairs because the "fake risky sex" in the back of a car encourages her and makes her crave to have "more" really risky type sex in backs of cars, bathrooms, other public places, with other men.

The no contact order made the sex more exciting and wild seeming. But really this will lead her straight back into the arms of other men so she can again repeat the wild, rebel type of sex like you too "infidels" had.

You will see if my theory is right. It is only a theory for now.

The affair with OM came to an end 2 months ago. She has been living at home for the last 2 months...home right after work...cooking dinner every night...going on weekend getaways with me...trying to make amends for her mistakes. Other than when she was at work, she was with me...every day for the last 2 months. So, I'm pretty comfortable, with that knowledge, that she has not resumed the affair with him.

Her plan is (after her hearing, and the NC order is ended...which the police say there is a 99% chance that it will be ended), is to continue living at her mother's house (which i recommended) for a little while so we can both have some breathing room. We have our house up for sale and are planning on moving to a different town when it sells. Our plan is to start over somewhere else. She even (in a very emotional and apologetic state) asked me to marry her...again. I think she realizes that she is responsible and is owning her [censored].

Then help...please.

Offence intended-
But cops tend to be monkies with guns. I have seen many "well intended" police reports RUIN a marriage, a family and a reputation. I have a friend that is a small town cop, he told me most "domestic abuse" reports are called with other intentions in mind- child custody, divorce settlement - angry retribution, not in his (or other police opinion) serious domestic abuse cases. This tends to jade them when being called into family disturbances. Who could blame them?

People, both women and men, need to involve the police ONLY IN MATTERS OF SEVERE ABUSE- not a "threat" to a spouse.

I don't get it. I know of a situation where a wife who would not defend herself (attempting to preserve a marriage and privacy) was arrested for "scratches"- Because her H wanted to teach her a lesson about not listening to him--

And to the other extreme where a friend was beaten to death by her daughter's boyfriend - because the repeated police reports were not taken seriously, even with a prior conviction on exact same behvior for the abuser.

Point is, don't involve the police unless you FEAR FOR YOUR SAFETY- stupid reports lead to police being overloaded, and disinterested in real abuse.

The advice is simple- follow the NC order TO THE "T". YOUR picking up the phone caused it- you should follow it- for everyone's benefit. If you are really afraid for your personal safety (which is why the NC is in place) -- stick to it.

Thank you for the respectful response. I will follow your advice.

That's not to say that I'm afraid of my personal safety...it's not an issue.

next time you want to insult someone..or some group...perhaps you should check your spelling (and word use) so that you don't look like a monkey with a pen or keyboard!

Look, I didn't start this thread so you could defend your career choices or post your resume. Or, point out errors in spelling and grammar. These comments are useless for me.

I was.

A better response would have been, "Ok. thanks. I'll try to ask more questions from posters rather than complain. Maybe, I'll learn something if I respond that way."

no, you started it so you could tell us you shagged your wife twice in the backseat in defiance of an order that you apparently did or did not have anything to do with!