No tyk,

it's at someone else's home. I am just wondering if it looks desperate to ask her if this is the party we are supposed to be co-hosting together, and why would a party like this be for girls only on a friday night. after all, she told MC she doesn't know what she wants and that it's too eraly to talk about going on a "date" with me right now. I am just afriad it'll whiny or needy.

Find out about the party. Call a friend on the guest list and ask.

This wanting "space" from you by your WW, its pretty normal. What waywards want is to continue thier A unimpeded. If its a party you are invited to, that you are co-hosting, then show up. How she reacts to that is her problem.

SWW,

Having the unfortunate experience with an SA, I was contemplating your situation and the new history that you have shared and I think it might be wise for you to find a COSA group for additional support as well.

IF she is an SA (and based on my non-professional opinion, she really shows signs of it), you are on a difficult, in some cases harder path than a straight affair. Addiction is an additional component.

Find your foundation in the MB principles, continue to follow the advice regarding documentation, investigating and protecting yourself and add to that a COSA meeting or two and get some more knowledge under your belt.

Should your WW decide to commit to recovery with you, you will need all the support you can get because the odds of RELAPSES are VERY high.

Good luck my friend.

onlyUcan

What is COSA?

SWW> “If it is one we are supposed to be hosting, it's apparent she doesn't want me to go with her despite what the invitation says. If she lies and says it's not that night and it turns out she's lying again what more do I have?

Or, is this a good oportunity to talk to PI to snoop and I just stay quiet?”

I say go with her (best) or just show up on your own with the invitation. Tell her you thought it was the party you are hosting together. If she complains, tell her you just plain want to be there with her. You LOVE going places and doing things with her, and there has been far too little of it in your opinion.

Also tell the PI where it is in case you can't go (you have to stay with the kids or she sneaks off without you, or whatever.)

I think your WW has big problems. Her past is an indicator. That kind of behavior does not just go away on its own. Also, I don't know about SA, but it does look like some recreational drug use on top of everything else.

Re abandonment: Could you be living in the house with your family and not at your dad's regardless of your job? Further, cutting off her financial support is a big issue in courts. I recommend you think well ahead here. If you want custody, start mapping the field now.

Can you call the MB counseling center?

With prayers,

SWW,

Just read your thread.
Do you really feel the need to hire a PI?

The lies, underwear, infection meds. etc, etc...

Keep the PI money in "your" account. She is hiding nothing, nor does it seem she is trying very hard.

Install spyware on her PC, tap the home phone, go back to Base for a week. You'll have everything you need the following weekend. If not, take a few days leave on a day/days she has "plans" and follow her yourself.

My guess is she maybe juggling more than one OM from the sound of it.

Once you get the solid proof you require, I would wager on the outcome, it's time to get busy.

Protecting the kids, money, and A exposure will be your primary focus.

When is your current tour of duty over? what are your plans at the end of that commitment?

Just know... the horrible feeling of betrayal has been shared by all most everyone on this site, and yes, you will survive this.

It will/does take work just to eat, sleep, remain physically healthy.

Also, do nothing, or say nothing to her without planning first. Never reveal sources to her. Keep this forum to yourself for now anyway.

-JKT

Thanks Aphelion,

I just spoke to her 10 minutes ago, this is not the party, it is an Annual Ball. She and friends daughter who is makeing her debut are the 2 single girls at the table. She said she wasn't expecting me home that weekend as I had said nothing and her friend had one seat left and asked her to sit there. I can believe it, it is her way, not to ask if I would want to come home fo it.

On the finances thing, I am definitely not cutting her off, I am just putting her on a budget like everyone else in the world has to do. She has been spending 10k per month, none of it on food for the kids, partying, and we were bouncing checks right and left. We had 300 in bounced check fees last month alone. I have to take control of the situation before it flies more out of control.

On the drug use thing, there were like 6 checks for 300 doallrs last month alone all made out to her.

Just broke the news to her in a reasoned rational explanation. SHE IS LIVID!!!

Justkeeptrying,

you may be right. But the PI thing I feel gives me closure and proof, but mostly closure. If I got caught following her around I don't think I could ever overcome the embarrasment.

My current tour is over in October, so it'ss be al ot of 8 hour drives or 1.5 hour flights. Then I am trying to set up a civilian job or get a last tour of duty in my hometown which is a huge military town.

You are right about sharing sources. I am just trying to be very calm, rational and kind to her. I did break the news that we would both be on a budget from now on and have transparent finances, something she has fought me on before. Shared logins/passwrods etc. I had trusted her for so long that I never felt I had any reason to need access. She is very angry about that.

As for this forum, for the past few days it has been my only source of strength. The news isn't always what you want to hear, but it is honest, and caring. It's like if you had Cancer, who would you rather talk to, a Cancer survivor or a "sympathizer?" I would never share this forum!

I understand. I do. FWW did this very thing for years and years. Even before she started the VLTA. She was a married single.

I didn’t know it was insidious. I thought her "freedom" was important. Made me feel good (in a sad sitting home alone kind of way.) I was meeting some sort of need of hers.

Typical BS fog. I wasn’t meeting any need of hers. I was ignoring my boundaries. I sat at home taking care of family while she partied and affaired.

This kind of behavior is a cancer. It grows. In both of you.

She needs you to tell her she is married and she is to act like it. She can be a wife and mother or she can leave. You need to trust yourself here. Do what is right. She may leave. And then you will know.

I did this after D-Day 2 of the VLTA and she indeed left. Eventually, she came back - a different person. Not all the way different, even yet, but the trajectory is positive. And I keep the pressure on.

However, the devil is in the details, which is why you should call the MB counseling center. They will help you time it and say it and do it best. And understand it.

Do not be afraid. Anything is better than being sick with worry, right?

Document! Document! Document!

Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. But PLAN!

With prayers,

ed: Perhaps you see your wife in here? Perhaps yourself? Married Singles. MB strongly recommend 15 hrs a week doing things togther. Just the two of you.

Aphelion,

thank you. Yes, I am documenting. Printed bank statements show the finances and I emailed her the news about the budgetting process after I had my lawyer friend look it over. CC'd myself and BCC'd a couple of other close friends. Very reasoned, factual and assuring that she will not want for anything financially at all, just that we would begin sharing those duties and budget better.

I think she is livid because that was the oxygen that fueled her A and maybe more.

So you went thru the married single thing for years. Heck, 10 months has nearly killed me. So you know what its like to come home from Home Depot and find your wife all showered in a tight pink sweater, hair done in a ponytail, tight jeans with holes in the knees and high heeled boots at 5PM on a saturday and say, "no, I dont't have any plans, why do you ask? Oh I just put on nicer clothes because our neighbors in laws are here and didn't want to look grubby.

Then 2 hours later, "Hey, you and the kids go ahead to dinner, (insert female name) just called and we are going over there for awhile to watch the game. Out the door. Gone.

Makes one feel really "special."

It's the equivalent of AlAnon for spouses/family of alcoholics. Only for SA (sex addicts).

Whether it ends up being SA or A's, cover all your bases.

Good job on the budget! Sounds like you handled that nicely and it makes total sense. (maybe not to her)

Only U,

I'm so glad that you echoed my concern about the possibility of SA. The behavior of the WW is very similiar to my neighbor's wife, who was deeply entrenched in the addiction. For a long period of time, she secretly engaged in very high risk behaviors, putting her entire family at risk. Ultimately, I believe the husband received support from COSA, as well.

I hope we are wrong about this, but I fear we are not. :-(

Remaining Prayerful,

Carlee

Carlee,

Based on her history it feels like this could be the case. I'm hoping not as well for SWW, but I want him to have all his ducts in a row to do the best thing for his M. We all know how hard it is to go through this.

He's gotten some really good feedback on this thread.

onlyUcan and carlee,

I hope you are wrong, but I have no idea. I alternate between a sense of calm resolve and panic these days. Right now, calm resolve. I emailed WW yesterday about taking over finances and budgetting.

She responded with trying to change passwords and login on cell phone records and other online accounts. I received texts that she was attempting to do this. There has been no contact for 24 hours.

I have finally shown a little backbone for the first time in our marriage; do I try to contact her or just wait and let her call me when she finally gets it thru her head that without any income and everything in my name she really has no options????

This loss of total control over our money is hitting her hard i know! But from a remote location for now it is the only thing I know for right now until I return home to stop a probable A.

Dear SWW,

From where I sit, you are doing EVERYTHING in your power to change the course of events. Of course, there's only so much you can control, especially while being physically away from WW,and given her unstable behaviors. However, responding by tightening the purse strings is a smart move. You are taking some of your power back, which I believe needs to happen if you hope to turn things around.

I trust that Only U Can and others with more experience in this type of situation, will lend their wisdom to this thread and advise you.

For what it's worth, I think you are doing a very admirable job of "keeping it together" in light of extraordinarily difficult circumstances. Please allow me and others here at the MB Forum be a source of strength for you.

You and your family will remain in my prayers,

Carlee

SWW,

Did you say whether you were able to set up a counseling appt through MB? Do all your homework here on the strategies for saving your M so that you have arrows in your quiver when you return home. Not to shoot at her, but to shoot through the FOG and keep your aim clear on what you are trying to attempt. Each weekend home will build more and more blocks in your foundation. In doing this, you are creating an even more attractive home life for your W, not WW to rejoin in and save this M and family. Should she decide not to, you are steps ahead in moving forward.

Stay the course!

Good job freezing the acccounts. The money gives her access to have affairs. You were paying for her affair/partying behaviors! Lucky you put a stop to it. Even if you end up divorced she cannot use your money to continue her bad behavior. That is a good thing.

thanks to everyone,

i have some rather incredible news, but unfortunately i am at a conference and have to give a speech in 5 minutes so looged on at the hotel real quick. i will post this afternoon. this is really weird...

Dear SWW,

You've peaked my curiosity! I'll be watching for your post. :-)

Carlee

That is completely unfair.