James:

I hope this goes without saying: This is NOT a failing.

Accepting that this is who your stbxw "IS" and choosing 2 embrace a fu2re without someone with her standards so close 2 you is not failing, it's growing. I submit that, by making this decision, you will be "righting yourself with God" as you say.

"When a man finds his way, heaven is gentle." (from the original Kung Fu TV show )

-ol' 2long

Thanks 2long..

It still feels like defeat at least.. it still feels like failure.

Maybe that's the pebble... once I can grasp it, I can enter the world and walk the earth.

James, this is NOT a failure of yours. DO NOT let yourself think that.

I truly believe that each person has their own threshold on what they can do and what they should do. I also believe that God gave you that threshold.

This may be exactly what He has planned. Maybe it's time for you to release yourself from this burden and let Him carry the rest.


And one last thing:


It's your turn to hear this:



In all seriousness, kick yourself in the butt for THIS. You are worth so much more than this. Don't let her take you down, she is not worth it. YOU deserve better and so do the children.

I'm not discounting your thoughts and feelings....but it will get better.

And keep in mind, you CAN change your mind at any time. This is not written in stone.

As we all know, life can change in an instant. Today you may be done, a week from now, it could change.

Fox

I'm really trying to knock it off here Foxy..

I'm just worried sick to death about DS..

I can't really get into it here.. I can't -prove- anything to anyone yet.. but DS told me himself that he doesn't feel safe there with Wonderboy.

What's worse is he told WW either.. and she all but called him a liar.

Neighbor is having a cookout tonight for his kids' softball team. The pediatric psychologist that DSD saw after her father stepped out of the picture is going to be there.. I may have a talk with him about setting something up for DS.

Oh, gosh, James. I've got the gist.

Do what you have to do.

But do NOT take the blame onto yourself. You only have so much control.

Do everything you can within your control but don't take it as failure when things happen outside of that.

I won't ask what is going on as I see you don't want to post much about it, but I think I've got the gist.

Was any of this talked about with the evaluator? Did she ever talk to DS without you or WW?

Fox

None of this was talked about with the evaluator.

It didn't come up until Wednesday night..

All I can really say is as soon as I pulled out of his daycare with him.. the conversation goes.. and unfortunately I need to cut it off before the detail.. but to give you the idea:

DS: Daddy..

Me: Yeah bud?

DS: I want you to come live with me and mommy and sissy.

Me: Yeah... I dunno lil man.. I really don't think that's going to happen any time soon.

SD: Oh... well, I don't want to live with Wonderboy anymore..

Me: Oh yeah? Why's that?

...............



Now I was feeling those 'Heh.. my boy wants me' vibes up until this point.. and then my world shattered.

And she's playing up that a part of his story doesn't check out and that there's no marks on him.. and DSD didn't notice anything.. so he has to be fibbing... and I shouldn't be worried.

James...I know you think I am harsh...but I have always had your best interests at heart. I still do. So, I will say this and then let it drop...IF your son says he is NOT safe somewhere...it is YOUR duty to keep him from that place until such a time as it is safe...NO MATTER WHAT THE PAPERWORK SAYS.
Call CPS immediately and get them to intervene...not feeling safe is a HUGE thing to a kid and trust me when I tell you...he needs you to step in and protect him...NOW.

James, I wish there was something I could do to help. I really, really feel for you.

I know that this feels like failure and how debilitating the feeling of helplessness can be, but it's not your failure. You have done all that you can do, and you continue on that path.

And letting yourself get run down by all of this doesn't help anyone. You need to stay strong for everyone's sake, so take better care of yourself.

I suppose the upside of this is that DS knows I believe him and knows that I sat his mommy down for a good talking to Wednesday when she came to pick him up..

Now he is 4 and prone to exhaggeration.. but to me this is a cry for help... but all I have is his story and it won't completely check out.. This isn't 'monsters are out to get me'... this monster has a name... and easy access to my son.

CPS can't do anything without something more to go on than a 4 year old's word either.. which is doubly frustrating.

Fortunately DS will be spending a majority of July, August, and September with me.. I'm excercising my extended parenting weeks those months... so I'll have him every Wednesday, 1 full week, and 3 of the 4 weekends in those months.

I've also spoken to the daycare people and her family and mine.. everyone is keeping an eye out.

Unless I can document it somehow with pictures.. there's nothing CPS can do.. he's not in an unsanitary environment, and DSD, and WW are vouching for WB.

I've sat here with the window open trying to figure out what to say.......

I just don't know.

My immediate response was GET HIM OUT NOW!!!!! at ALL costs.

But......so many times people use this in divorce against the other spouse. It makes me worried that the courts are jaded about it and it could actually work against the spouse making the claim.

Which could place your boy smackdab with WB if your wife got more custody.

The fact that the evaluator recommended more than the normal time with you IF WW got custody....lends you more credibility.

Call your lawyer.....ask him what to do. Tell him you want that boy out of there NOW. Push it, push it, push it.

Call CPS....get them started on it. The courts don't even have to know that it came from you. Get CPS in there. Talk to DS' daycare and ask if he has said anything to them or if they have seen any marks, or if his attitude has changed recently. What is his demeanor when WW drops him off.

Any relatives that DS may have mentioned anything to?

I wouldn't wait to see if it gets worse or if DS takes it back. He might, due to pressure from WB or WW.

Thinking of you, James.....I wish I had more to offer you.

Fox

P.S. If DS has experienced this, has DSD?

Sorry....I had the window open so long, I missed your posts that gave me many of the answers.

Oh, man, James. I just don't know what to say.

Fox

This is why I am so heartsick.

I've let everyone know who I think DS might say something to, including WW.. so that cat is out of the bag.

WW -tells- me that he has recanted his story already.

There is another woman on this site, KLB, who I find is has an amazing walk with G-d and yet she is facing trying time after trying time. I have no understanding why.

You have the most amazing walk with G-d and yet it seems that time after time you are asked to call upon that strength and dig a little deeper. I have no understanding why.

Certainly my walk with G-d has become the most important thing I have in my life, and I struggle selfishly with why my WH hasn't come home yet. But I have an understanding why and just don't want to admit it or accept it.

There is scripture after scripture that will help you get through this yourself with your WW, but when you little boy is possibly being hurt, there is NOTHING I can say that makes it ok. I have no understanding why.

G-d is a loving G-d, but he let's bad things happen. If I could take your little boy's struggles away, I WOULD as you would as well. We DON'T know for SURE what is happening, but we can pray our hearts out for G-d to take care of that little boy and keep him safe. I know I will be.

{{{{{{{{{{{James and DS}}}}}}}}}

Oh James,,,,,I am so sorry for what's happening right now!

I know that there isn't anything you wouldn't do to protect DS, and this sitch is such that your hands are virtually tied, which makes it the most impossible of situations for you.

I've thought many times about what I would do if, God forbid, I were in this sitch with my DD. I worry about the Ho's son hurting her, and the Mama Bear in me awakens! Just hearing about this with your DS makes me so upset! GRRRRR!

HOWEVER (and there is always a 'however' in life), NOW is the time for a COOL, CALM James to prevail over the Papa Bear. As you said, 1. DS is 5 and prone to exaggeration 2. You have no 'proof' other than DS's word 3. CPS will be reluctant to become involved,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, So you DO have to go about this in a cool, calm, and collected manor so that YOU do not lose or possibly damage YOUR credibility.

I am not saying that you do nothing. I am saying that you must take great care in how you go about it so that you do not come off as the "crazy, jealous husband" who is trying to get at WW via the children. Someone else already said it, and I'm sorry to say that it is true - - the folks in the 'system' have seen too many BSs 'use' their kids to get at the WS. They are jaded. Just be aware of that as you work through this.

You've done good in talking to everyone you can about it. I have a STRICT rule around here,,,,,,,,,,,,NO SECRETS! Kids need to know that they are safe to talk about anything they need to.

Great job in letting DS know that you believe him. I definately advise talking to the psychologist friend about this ASAP. Get whatever professional assistance you can. Get it NOW. Know what your options are in every possible direction BEFORE anything else.

I know you've talked to the WW and have sadly gotten the expected response from her fogged out, self-justifying wacked out brain.

I'll never for get the speech from Drac months ago about how he'd "Never leave DD with anyone who would put her in any 'danger'". Now that was in a conversation about how she was exposed to the movie "Jacka$$". HE used the word 'danger', not me. So, it certainly made me wonder what other danger she's already been in under the HO's care!

The point here is that they are going to do whatever they can to deny the possibility that not only have THEY chosen to be with someone who is morally compromised, but they have also placed their children in potential danger by having their children around that person. The LAST person they are going to listen to in this sitch is the BS. Who will they listen to? I wish I knew! I'd hire them to go visit every WS in the world to save every child from danger!!

Hang in there James! Get whatever assistance you can. Keep posting and take care of YOU. DS needs you to be strong and clear headed now more than ever!

{{{{James & DS}}}}

James, please call CPS. Don't let it enter into the equation that he's only four, or that he exaggerates. CPS is trained to sort out the information that they need.

Better to call and not need them than to not make that call. They understand. Your child comes first.

Hey James,

It's been a few days, how are you doing?

Well.. it's going to be hard for a lot of you to believe, and I'm sure some will blast me for being so joyful even as I worry desperately for DS and DSD.. and even WW's well being.

But I got a front row seat watching God's hand at work this weekend.

I really wish I could go into details, but if WW is reading this I don't want to potentially risk DSD's grandparents relationship with DSD.

Suffice it to say, DSD's grandparents are angels in regular people's clothing. There were hugs, kisses, tears, and words two estranged people very much needed to say, and hear from eachother, and three of the world's greatest kids who finally got to spend more than a few minutes together. Sisters who haven't seen or talked to eachother since September... I can't even begin to tell you how touched I was to see their smiles, or hear the laughter that still rings in my ears today.


I got to watch a neighbor, working through their church on one of those debt free living programs.. put together a garage sale with the goal of making $1000 for a family 'emergency fund'. I saw how all 5 of their kids contributed, and how as a family they prayed about the outcome. Not only did they exceed their goal, but they packaged up easily another $1000 worth of stuff to give to the Salvation Army... and even help a young man directly to get a start in life away from home.


While DS and DD were off with DSD's Grandparents on Saturday evening, this STB divorcee got tasked with the job of setting up a dear friend's living room for a suprise 10th wedding anniversary party.. and I watched as two of the most amazing people I know renewed their promises to eachother, to their children, and to God.. it was a tough moment.. but a reminder of what marriage ought to be.. what it can be.. a reminder of God's promise..


Those are just the major things.. many many other 'little' miracles... but even as I am concerned (and have made an appointment for DS and I to see a pediatric psychologist).. I'm allowing myself to bask for a little while at least, in the love of a little girl, I now know without a shadow of doubt I'll never lose.

Great news James. I am glad it worked out for all concerned. Be very careful that your stbx does not use this against you though. Since her child is a minor, she has the only say in which adults are permitted in her child's life. I think the way you handled it is great...but if your stbx gets a bug up her butt, you could be looking at a PFA regarding her daughter.

For now though...I am happy you had your moment with her and were able to see the lasting impact you have had in her life.

Thanks MEDC.. I'm aware of what she might do..

And you know what? If she wants to do nothing more than hurt her daughter.. she'll go right ahead.

I don't see it happening though. Even as twisted as this situation is. I can virtually guarantee I'm not the one that would come out looking bad on it.