I have been reading quite a few posts and have also read some of the material on MB. My situation is similar but a few differences.
I have been married almost 16 years and found out last April that my H was cheating. There had been a couple of incidents where he didn't come home on a weekend night for a few months before that and on that night in April, I had a gut feeling something was wrong, as I had the other times he hadn't come home, but this night was different. I went to look for him and did find him, in bed with the OW. After this happened, he stayed away from home for about 4 days and then came back. We fought and a lot of hurt words were said for about 3 weeks. One day he came home after work and it was done. He was back to his old self. He treated me with respect, helped around the house again, let me know where he was at, all the things we had before. After a little over a year now, it is still that way and doesn't seem to be changing. We communicate more now about our feelings and I know he is no longer seeing the OW.
A little background: she was a coworker of his for about a year or so and was always refered to as the "whiny" one he couldn't stand. He did quit his job a week after I caught them together but did keep in contact with her and met up with her a few times for "drinks" he says. Until that day he came home and all seemed to be good again. I know he hasn't talked with her since then from checking phone messages and circumstance of just always knowing where he is now. He did go to the doctor the beginning of March for depression and was given medication. He claims this is why he finally stopped seeing her, was because the medication kicked in and he finally cleared his head to know what he wanted. By the beginning of June, only 2 weeks after he stopped seeing her, he stopped taking the medication. He said he didn't need it anymore. He has been OK since then.
My problem: All of the hurtful words that were said and the image of finding them in bed just do not go away. I have read other posts to know this is a normal thing they do, the hurtful words. Saying the whole marriage was a waste, how I was too controlling, anything to insinuate it was my fault this happened. Her name comes up and it is a pang to the heart. We have moved to a new town but still go to the old town for other things and it is still almost unbearable. Certain songs, actions, etc. are unbearable. He can't be gone for any amount of time at night. I don't sleep, the image keeps coming to mind. He has told me parts of what all happened but I just don't believe all of what he says. I did a little investigating of things after I found them together and certain things just don't match up. I have told him this and he just says I must be wrong because what he says is right. He also says that nothing ever happened physically until that night I found them and even then he couldn't perform so it didn't really count. I can't face the fact to leave, I don't sleep, I can't function. But then I think of how bad that sounds and to just face it and go on. I don't even know if that's what I want is to leave. He is now back to the person I married, we just have this 5 month horror that seems to hang over our heads. We have been talking recently of moving out of state. Maybe this will help me with some of the reminders but then maybe I am just running from my problems. What do I do to make it go away? It has been over a year and seems like it just happened yesterday!

ib4:

I had posted a thread on this same subject about 2 months ago, here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=150740&Number=2062400#Post2062400

While I didn't catch them in the act, I demanded (silly me) and WW provided, details of their sexual encounters. If you read my post, you'll see I was provided with enough detail for my imagination to start visualizing many vivid porno horror movies. Each time, they would inevitably lead to panic attacks.

To cope, first my doctor prescribed an anti-anxiety medication, which at least stopped the panic reactions. Then my IC taught me a technique, I guess something along the lines of self-hypnosis. Basically, I get into a meditative, semi-conscious state, and then begin repeating, "I will not think about [OM's name]. I do that for about 15 minutes. After about 3 weeks, it appeared to start working. As long as I didn't consciously try to think about them together, the images began to stop popping into my consciousness automatically.

I was also taught a technique from CBT called desensitization, in which I get into the same meditative state, and then intentionally visualized them together, but,while so visualizing, I'll repeat things to myself, such as "I am calm", "I am at peace", and "I am whole and lovable, regardless of what [WW] does". After a while, the images don't hurt so bad, and they begin to subside.

Best of luck to you; I know those image clips can be horrible.

I was taught a visualization technique that is helpful for me...


Take a snapshot of the image in your mind and focus on it. Make sure the image is a bright, colorful image. Then slowly drain the color out of the image until it goes from bright and colorful to a dull, black and white image. Then, slowly move the black and white image away until it is one tenth of the size. Then move it away further until it is a little black dot. Then make the dot dissapear.



This technique was actually one that I was taught to get over a marriage that my heart was broken over. But, like a complete moron, I thought the marriage might be salvageable and I adapted the technique for WW's adultery. I was working for me, until WW started the relationship back up (if it even ended)...now I have to re-live the whole affair over and over and over and over...

But, the technique was working for a while.