HEY, where are you wanting to move to? Why don't you like where you live?

Aside from the weather, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE, this place. It's beautiful, close to Seattle, but in the rural areas. I can walk around town and do things without a car.

I know so many people. I am a part of the community. I feel safe here. It's just the darn weather.

I think that it would be a little nicer is WH hadn't moved so close to me. I have had to alter my life not to run into him. But that's just an inconvenience.

I want to live near THE WATER...

I felt betrayed by my community when I needed them...I'm tired of seeing the people whom I thought cared about me and were my friends..HERE'S YOUR WHINE...

I'm more INTROVERTED anyways...

So, I'm gonna get a NEW DREAM HOUSE...

You already know the PLACE if you've been reading the GODDESS THREAD...

Oh GOOD, you'll be moving close to me because I CARE and am your FRIEND...

Actually I really understand this. My closest friends are the one who just walked away when I wasn't what THEY wanted me to be or do. Fortunately my temple is far away and my FRIENDS where I LIVE has been nothing short of amazing and understanding. Going back to AA gave me a whole NEW group of people who didn't know WH and that is nice. They are protective of me and my hurts. They are also watching me walk through this.

Did I ever tell you what my drug of choice was? Pot.... Do you know what a side effect of Pot is? Memory Loss.... LOL

So, now I get to have some reading to do.

It's the PLACE that's HISTORIC and I visit EVERY YEAR...

I new you visited that place every year, but didn't know you wanted to LIVE there.

CHARLESTON.... Tell me what it's know for besides it's beauty and welcome people and the history.

What kind of a DREAM HOUSE do you want?

I'm still EXPLORING..to make sure..but I LOVE the FEELING I get when I go there...I can't explain it..

You can SMELL and FEEL the water..I love the way the people TALK..I love the FLOWERS..THE GARDENS...THE ARCHITECTURE..

My MOOD could be uplifted every day by the VISUALS...

Dream house..NEAR but not necessarily on the water..with a screened in porch for reading and breakfasting outside...ALL the EXTRAS that WE particularly like..hard wood floors, nice kitchen,library, areas for flower gardening...but nothing BIG or OSTENTACIOUS..

Me giving advice is funny no? Well, actually at work i am the resident agony aunt, counsellor n now i need all the help i can get. Isn't it funny how life turns out?

I am so glad u finished the work on the quilt.

Honey, i am happy to have you in my life.

I am studying accountancy, the same as CPA (I think that is what it is called in the States)

Today WH called me out for lunch as OW was out. It felt awkward bcos i could tell it was WH who had come n not H. More on my thread.

Hope you are having fun with ur SIL. Take care

I had a great day with my SIL. She looks so much like my H and is so different. It's hard not having him home right now, I miss OUR family being together. I keep trying to convince myself he is the one missing out.

But I am the one who knows it and feels it.

I am so grateful she is here. We went to a two graduation parties, and a friend of my son's came up and asked me if I would be interested in having our son's parties together. I was shocked and accepted the offer, but we aren't sure the dates will work for her. Mine has a lacrosse tournament one weekend, so we shall see.

We came home and watched the movie mad money. I sat on the couch, in my apt, rehashing so much in my head and just thinking how surreal this is. My husband's sister is here and he has NO clue and is off in a new life.

My heart is praying to G-d so hard to please not keep him away forever. I have to dig deeper and find the strength to keep loving him and NOT give up on him. But stay out of the way.

Queenie, I know these things because I was where you are. Wanted my marriage so much. Was so hurt I was hemorrhaging - way beyond being a bloody mess emotionally - way beyond!!!! Did my best. Worked hard with my counselor/therapist. Did everything I could. Had so much anger. So much fear. I had lost so much of myself to trying to be this man's wife that I had no clue what to do.

I yelled at G-d more than once. Yelled at him so loudly and for so long that my throat would be sore for a couple of days. I had no idea why He would let this allegedly G-d-loving man do this to me.

I knew G-d was out there and that He loved me. Despite that, though, I was so angry and depressed that I came to understand why people without that hope could kill their children and kill themselves. I wanted out of the mess so much that I wanted to 'go to bed and wake up dead'. Harming my children or my self was NEVER anything I considered doing because I did have my G-d hope and strength.

*******************************************************************


I found a passage from The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. Maybe it will help you. It's the first few paragraphs of the book. You might want to go see if your local library has it. So, here goes:

Life is Difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because one it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

Most do not fully see this truth that lifrfis difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily of subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if live were generally easy, as if live should be easy. They voice their belief, noisy or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning because I have done my share.

********************************************************************

I know you do not believe Jesus of Nazareth is the I AM in flesh. After all, this great teacher was Jewish, so I'm going to give you something one from of his great lessons, found in Chapter 5 of the book written by Matthew:

Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them, saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see G-d.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of G-d.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Note to Queenie - notice the progression above. You sort of have to move through these. Poor in spirit > mourning > meekness > hunger > merciful > pure in heart > peacemaker. It's a progression...indicates growth.)

You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men.

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

(Note to Queenie - You must work to heal your heart. Your h is in no place to do that. He is a pain-causer now. You must work with G-d - grow through those phases. You, by living well, kindly, a whole woman secure in her love of self and love of family and love of G-d, will be G-d's bride. He will NEVER leave you. You will be His light when you move toward that wholeness of life and heart.

Heaven help us, I sound like a philosopher.

Hey, Cinders, can I jack the life is difficult part?

Nope!

No way around it.

Life is hard!!!! gotta check this out!!!!

And I am very grateful you are sharing your philosophy with me.

I had read what you wrote yesterday before I went to the photographers. You haven't shared your pain with me like that before and I realized how far you have come since this happened. But not just that, I realized that I am not so special, and that I keep trying to make me something different with the yeah butts, or whatever.

I believe I have let go over the WH. I really don't like this person, and as sad and hurting as that is, I wouldn't want to be with him at all.

BUT, take care of myself, learn about myself. I FIGHT it so badly and I simply don't know why. Except there is some deep seated hatred for me just to exist and I don't know where that came from, but somehow I know that G-d needs me to change this.

This is MY BATTLE. Stop hating myself. And this is a BATTLE that is LONGER than my M. I don't see what other people see in me. But I have to LEARN to.

I don't know how to learn to be good to myself really, not in the way that is long lasting or spiritual or believes that I deserve more than a cheating H who thinks of me but nothing more than used up garbage. I do the outside stuff, exercise, eat better, pedicures and manicures. I go to AA meetings that fill me up. I have the most amazing support system on here and in life. But yet, I can't look at myself and the mirror and see what you all see.

How do I do it? First, without a doubt, I just ask G-d to help me. And leave it at that, because that's all I can do.

{{{{{{{{{{Cinders}}}}}}}}}}}

Queenie, I don't talk about those dark days too often. I am proud that I made it through. I know that I didn't do it alone. I had Ultimate Power on my side. I turned a lot of stuff over to Him.

Most people would think I was a freak for admitting I understood how people with no hope could kill their children then kill themselves. Because I understood doesn't mean I ever wanted to do it. The thought of ceasing to exist appealed to me. The thought of doing anything to my beautiful babies was accursed. Nope! No way!! That would be giving the man I had married and who had betrayed me WAY too much power. I was bound and determined to make it.

Maybe you are struggling with the fantasy of your marriage. With the 'princess marries prince charming' feeling you had going down the aisle to take your vows.

But, do you really want the marriage you have had over the last couple of years?

I reached the point where I didn't want the man who left. Did not want him. Nope. No way. However, had he gotten a mirror so he could look at himself. Had he acknowledged that he was not perfect, that he had a flaw, had he gone to counseling and really done the work. Maybe.....Maybe he could have come home.

It was a sign to me when we were talking a few weeks before he left and he asked how much of my time with the counselor I spent talking about me and my issues. I answered that I spent about 80% of the time dealing with me and 20% dealing with the marriage and coping with him and his issues. He said that he, too, spent 80% of his counseling time talking about me. Like he could do much work on himself that way. So, I could hope and pray but he wasn't gonna work on himself.

Queenie, the only person you can work on is you. Your desires. Do you want to be who you were? Do you want the man who left you?

Pray for him to find peace and to treat you respectfully. Pray that you will find peace and strength.

All you can do is pray for him. You don't want him back till he's in better spiritual shape. Think of who he is as a spiritually ill man.

There's a hymn we sometimes sing at church that I used to cry through....well, I used to cry through church A LOT! I am really good at that. So, you can hear the tune and read the lyrics here.....http://cyberhymnal.org/htm/g/i/f/gifountw.htm

Queenie is the beloved and beautiful daughter of the world's greatest and most powerful King!

copy that in color and put it on your bathroom mirror....tape it to the window at your sink, tape it to the dash of your car. BELIEVE IT, SISTER!!!!!!

NOT ME

If you mean from the day he met her, NO. But before that, YES. That's what makes this so confusing to me. We were our HAPPIEST we HAD ever been. We were working together as a team for the first time in our marriage. Celebrating our last Bar Mitzvah. Our kids were getting older. That's why this caught me so off guard.

As much as I miss my H with every ounce of my soul, NO, I could NEVER go back to who she was and to have him home or be her just isn't a choice for me anymore. NO, that man who LEFT disgusts me and is DANGEROUS to the NEW ME.

I truly do think of him as someone spiritually sick. I have for a long time. Ever since that day in the copy room and G-d spoke to me. And he told me to stay out of the way, and I am. But I'm such a sensitive person who loves with all my heart. And I just miss my H. Whether that my H still exists, I don't know. But I hurt for my sick H who is missing out on all the wonderful memories. I accept it's his choice, I accept their are consequences for him to his actions, but I LOVE my H and I hurt for that person. NOT this monster.

Does that make sense?

OK... here it is June and our wind storm was so bad tonight we lost power three times. We couldn't eat dinner at home and so we went to a mexican restaurant. I am having an absolute blast with my SIL. We are really talking for the first time ever.

How are you Cinders....

Hey SMB,

It's hard not to do a dark Plan B, when WH has NOTHING to do with you or your family.

It's not me, it's totally been on him to stay dark. I think I wished he would try and contact me or get me to break, but sadly he hasn't.

Oh well.

Queenie, I SO understand what you are talking about. That's why I share some of this stuff. You need to know that you are not the only one. You need to know that you WILL survive. You need to know that you can have the good life even if it is not as you imagined it.

But, the big question is........................did you print out that affirmation (in a colorful way) and put it where you can see it often.

I WANT YOU TO SEE THAT OFTEN.
I WANT YOU TO BELIEVE THAT TO THE CORE OF YOUR VERY BEING.

(((((((((((Queenie)))))))))))

My dear friend, I see you struggling as I have in recent months. The emotions stirred when you ponder what might have been.. what could be..

I know it seems like more fun in the moment to think about those things rather than what IS.. but you must come to a point where you accept what IS, rather than mourn what could have been.

While what IS can suck sometimes, and hurt in ways we never imagined, it sure beats the dawning of realization after a night of denial... and what's more, you'll find a great release in being honest with yourself.

I'm not saying to stop standing by any stretch of the imagination. You know I'm one of your biggest backers in this, and I do understand because I've been doing it myself right in step with you in a number of ways.

I'm just saying, accept what IS right now, and let God get you through it.

Here's the lyrics to a song from one of my favorite bands that I taught myself to play on guitar this weekend.. It's helped me, maybe it'll help you:

Blind Melon - "Change"

I don't feel the sun comin out today
Stayin in, gonna find another way
As I sit here in this misery
I don't think I'll ever know Lord,
Or see the sun from here

Oh as I fade away
They'll all look at me and say
Hey look at him
How can he live that way
That's ok
They're just afraid of change

When you feel life ain't worth livin
You've got to take a look around
And lift your head to the sky
When your deepest thoughts are broken
Keep on dreamin boy
Cause when you stop dreamin it's time to die

As we all cast thoughts on tomorrow
In some ways we'll work
In other ways we'll play
But I know we can't all stay here forever
That's why I'll write my words on the face of today

And then I'll paint em

Oh as I fade away
They'll all look at me and say
Hey look at him
Where he is these days
Well life is hard
You have to change
Life is hard you have to change.

Hi Queenie
If you have a chance can you please read my thread..I need you advice desperately!!!thanks

Hi Q
Chin up lady. I think something really special is going to happen to you because you are truly a lovely person. You care n you are honest n that is what matters in the end.

{{{{Queenie}}}}