I'm working on it Cinders. THIS is REALLY hard for me to do.

You know, I think I am able to leave the past alone. As hard as that was. I am even able to give myself a break for the mistakes. You got me on the what could be. And that's where I get caught up.

You mean like live ONE DAY AT A TIME... Because really that's all I have..

So today, the day my middle son graduates from high school is a bittersweet day. But I PROMISE... the pain and sadness I feel for my H missing this momentous day will not AFFECT anyone else.

I am just grateful for who WILL be there....

Queenie, print that out.....I mean it. Whaddaya wanna do, woman. You gonna make me print it out and come over there and stick it all around your house? Is that what you are trying to do. Make it your screen saver.

Think of it as your mazzuzah from Cinderella. I don't know how to spell that....you know what I mean. That thingy by the door....the one w/ scriptures in it.

Yeah.....that sentence is the first verse of the Second Book of Queenie.....Like First Samuel.....You know whatImean?

Work with me, Queenie!!!!!!!

Queenie,

So, how was graduation?? I KNOW how proud you must be of your middle son! Tell me how handsome he looked in his cap and gown.

Then, as I know & totally understand the longing thoughts you must have had yesterday in regards to you WH, I want you to think about something and tell me about it.

What I want you to think about is this - - as you look back to Dday, would you have ever been able to imagine yourself as you are today? Did you think you would be physically, let alone, mentally & emotionally able to help your son through his Senior year?

Could you have imagined the strength, love, wisdom that you have today? Could you have imagined the wonderful example you have become to your children? Could you have imagined the strength, class, love, faith, and perserverence you have demonstrated to your children, your family, your friends? Did you realize how admired you would be by people around the world,,,,,some who post to you to encourage you? Some that post asking YOU for help, which you so generously give!!

So, in many ways, think of this as also a 'graduation' of sorts for yourself! You've graduated from helplessness to a place of power with the Lord at your side. And that's a fabulous place to be.

Yes, the 'what ifs' can take you on some crazy rides - - But they can also take you to some wonderful, unimagined places as well.

"Trust in the Lord, with all thine heart, and lean NOT unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknowledge HIM, and He shall direct thy paths.' Prov 3 5:6 - - THIS is the verse that gets ME through the 'what if' days of my life.

{{{Queenie}}}

Queenie,

I almost posted this in the Pondering Scripture thread, but decided to put it here.

I know you are struggling with Plan B because you miss your husband, but Plan B is really the way God would handle this sort of thing.

When God created the man and woman and placed them in the garden, He could have made them so that they would automatically love Him and follow Him all of their days. But love is so much more valuable when someone chooses to love us that He decided instead to give us free will to choose for ourselves to love Him or not.

When Adam and Eve chose to love themselves before God and decided to follow their own selfish desires rather than His command, the relationship between God and Man was broken, just as surely as if a husband had cheated on his wife. The results and consequences of that decision are still with us today.

But at times throughout history, individuals have chosen to love God above themselves and God has attempted to reconcile all mankind through these folks.

Abram became Abraham because He loved God. And Abraham became the foundation of a relationship that resulted in Israel being saved from captivity and bondage and living in the land promised to Abraham. When God led the people from Egypt, it was He Himself that led them. He didn’t just send them into the wilderness, but He actually went with them. He camped among them by night and preceded them by day. His presence was visible and any who cared to look could see that God was right there guiding them.

God gave them the Law and told them that if they followed Him and His ways, they would be His people and He would be their God. But once settled in the Promised Land, daily life, a lack of need on their part and their own selfishness once more caused them to choose to follow after other gods, even they themselves becoming gods in their own minds.

So God set Plan A into action. He sent them great leaders, like David, who though not one to constantly do things God’s way, still loved God and repented of his sins and came back humbly before God each time to ask forgiveness. As a result, David, though he sinned greatly was called by God “a man after mine own heart.”

God turned up the heat in Plan A, though the people still chased after their other gods. He sent them the prophets. These prophets attempted to win the hearts of the people back from their chosen wickedness. They also suffered the consequences of continuing to follow false gods and soon the kingdom was divided. The northern kingdom was destroyed and still the people refused to stop their adulterous affair with other gods.

Some times things seemed to get better and there would be revival of sorts. Worship would begin again in the temple and people would turn from their wickedness. But soon, they showed their true colors as “cake eaters” and once more lapsed into their affair with selfishness and false gods.

So God began Plan B.

He sent a powerful army to capture the people and take them away to a foreign land. The temple was destroyed, the capital city was destroyed and the royal family was made slaves. For 70 years the temple lay barren and desolate. And then God brought them home. Just like the prophet Hosea bought back his wife though she had given birth to children of other men, God redeemed His people once more from slavery. The temple was restored and the land once again thrived.

But again, the people rebelled and eventually God went back to Plan B. Throughout the centuries, the people suffered because of their sin and were despised and in great danger because they wanted things their own way. They were murdered in Spain, executed by the Cossacks, and nearly destroyed by the Nazis.

And yet, when they were ready to return to Him, God began to bring them back to the land He had promised their fathers and in May 1948, a Jewish nation became a reality for the first time in nearly 2000 years.

You love your husband, Queenie, but God loves him even more. And to God, your husband’s relationship with Him is even more important than his relationship with you. God does not enjoy His time in Plan B. He does not like the false recoveries and the continued adultery by His people, His bride. But He also knows that at times, He must relinquish us to our own selfish desires for us to come to a place where we reach our own end and realize that we need Him.

You are important to God, Queenie. He loves you more than you love your husband. And He loves your husband more than you do. He wants you to be happy, but He also wants you and your husband both to love Him. He is willing to let our sin run its course and for us to reach a place of utter brokenness in order to achieve that goal. He is now asking you to do the same and let your husband go until he is broken to the point of repentance and is ready to cry out to God for forgiveness. Then, God can lead him back to you, but He will not force the issue nor make him do what is right. Because God still wants us to love Him of our own free will and He wants your husband to love you in the same manner.

And even if your husband never turns from his wickedness, even if he never returns to the wife of his youth, God will still keep trying to reconcile with him till the day he dies and while He waits, He will be caring for you, just as He cared for the Daniel, Nehemiah and Ezra while they were in captivity.

And God is patient beyond what we could ever imagine. Moses knew he was called to save God’s people. He struck down an Egyptian for abusing one of His people and it cost him everything including a position of power in the royal palace. It took him 40 more years of wandering in the wilderness to reach the point where he was ready to do things God’s way rather than his own. And then, God was able to use him to do what he was called to do and lead the people to freedom.

Be patient, Queenie. Let God do things His way and you just let Him take care of you till He is finished. He wants your husband to return to you, but He knows that it must be your husband that makes that choice. It was after all, your husband that made the choice to chase after another woman, and it must be he who chooses to return.

And make no mistake; your husband is missing much more than a graduation during all of this. He is missing out on a relationship with his children that can never be replaced, even if it eventually is restored, the time lost is gone forever and some day, he will realize what he has given up and know that it was he who threw it all away. If he is willing at that time to turn from his own ways, he will return. If not, God will continue to care for you and watch over you, but you have to be willing to let go of your husband in order for God to work on him.

Unless you can reach a place of letting him go, the pain of what your husband has done will eat at you and will utterly destroy what love you have left for him. If that happens, you will no longer be willing to take him back when God is done with him. You must heal for now and just like those who chose to follow God while scattered around the globe, God will someday be able to return you to a place of contentment and peace, though others, including your husband, might never reach the Promised Land because of their own selfishness and continued sins.

Mark

We win Cinders, I have printed it out and put it around me at work. I'll print out another one for home and place them all over.

Graduations was absolutely amazing last night. The valedictorina speech was unbelievable. I got a copy and plan to keep it for a long time to reread. I wish I could post it on here. Her parents must be so proud of her. And to think I remember her when she was in 3rd grade. The evening wasn't too cold depending on who you asked. My SIL was freezing, I was very comfortable with my layers and blankets.

The grad nite went off with just a tad hitch. The rented buses went to the high school instead of the amphitheatre, so we had to entertain them for about 45 more minutes. From reports, the grads had a blast and enjoyed the "secret" places. I'm really glad.

My son looked beyond handsome. I was so proud because I understood what it took for him to get here. Not just this past year and what he has endured and dealt with but truly his whole life. This is the child who when born saw life as empty and was so angry at the world. I don't want to bore people with the details, but this child has grown and become something that only G-d could have created. He has the most awesome qualities and is such a babe. I can't believe I gave birth to him.

I was never the helpless person before D-day. But what I became after D-day was something beyond imagination. And you are right, this time since D-day, I could never have thought I would be who I have become. I would not imagined that I could truly face G-d each day and know that I am a good person who is overcoming her wreckage of the past and creating a life for my children that is full of love, hope and pride. I would not have believed I could face these FEELINGS head on and not destroy myself over it. I would not have thought I could like myself, but I am willing to work on that. Admired around the world, that is an absolute NO. I lived in a world that fed my ego because I volunteered. I have a life today where I am able to walk through people's most horrid events of their life, understand how they feel and believe in them enough to keep on going like all of you did with me.

Thanks Bugs, that passage is perfect for the what ifs, because by far those are they things that bring me down. I can't say for sure, but I don't believe WH was there last night, but at the very least he wasn't around our son to enjoy this momentous occasion in his young life. But that's his problem.

This time last year I wouldn't have believed what life would have entailed. And I can accept that I have no idea what a year from today will be like accept for one thing. G-d will be the leader of my life. And for that, I am GRATEFUL and honored he didn't give up on me.

{{{{{{{{{{BUGS}}}}}}}}}

I had thought I had let him go, intellectually I know this is what G-d wants and I want to OBEY. truly...

But the way you just said this... besides praying, what more can I do. How does my heart let him go. I'm trying so hard for this and praying too.

Hey Mark,

Thank you for what your wrote. I have always told you how your words center me and ground me. I have missed you. How was your trip?

Queenie,

My trip was fine other than being too short. My wife and I are taking our granddaughter to our vacation place this weekend so she can play on the beach and go fishing with Grandpa.

And just so you know, I have been here, trying to keep up on your thread, but without much of anything to say, so I have just been reading and praying for you.



Nothing...and that was my point.

I think you need to find something to do when you begin to think about him so that you can move past it quickly instead of going over it in your mind. Having not been where you are right now, I really don't know what that might be, but I read in your posts almost daily about how you miss him and how sad you are about all of this. I know the sadness part and even though we are well on the way to what I hope to be a full recovery and a better marriage than we had before, I still feel sadness over what might have been myself at times.

And that is the problem...

The what might have been part is what gets me down. I find myself wondering "what if?" But what if I had died in a car crash at 18? I certainly had that potential back then. The way I once drove would scare DS to death, and he thinks of himself as both fearless and reckless in his driving. So I have learned, or rather still am learning, that "what ifs" have to be replaced by "what is" in order to move forward. Until then, "what might be" can never come to pass.

I just wanted to let you know that God can and will bless your Plan B efforts no matter how that plays out for the future.

And I know all about being proud of your son at graduation. Our DS finished high school a semester early and already had a semester in college when he received his diploma with the rest of the class. The school made a point of listing all those who had already taken college credit courses and missed him in the list because he had already been away at college for the entire semester and when they sent out the forms to have the kids fill them in, he was of course not there.

And we just got to see him in a cap and gown again when he got his degree in business...Mom and Dad were both so proud.

Now if he'd just find a real job and a place to live...

Mark

And how often does grandpa get to see grandaugher. The beach, water, heat, sun and family. It just doesn't get any better than that, does it.

Can I put something out here for you walk through with me for clarity. There is NO DOUBT I carried and still carry enormous guilt of my past wreckage and hurts that contributed to the breakdown of my M and family. I almost didn't think I would make it through when I truly realized who and what I had become.

For so long I didn't have clarity of knowing what happened and how much was my fault. I was willing to take it all on. But at some point G-d forgave me and no longer was I contributing to the destruction of the M. I wasn't given the chance to make it better or worse. It was just simply taken from me. That was HARD to swallow because me, who could fix anything wasn't given that opportunity because G-d wanted me out of this.

I KNOW what this journey is about, and I am so trying to stay out of it. The feelings are the part I can't control. Your suggestions are good as to what to do. I know others have suggested that.

But what is a blessing is that G-d keeps giving me clarity on the situation. What WH did last night by not showing up or having anything to do with his children in ON HIM. It's not my job to keep him informed, or keep their relationship going. I think G-d is helping me understand that WH is more sick that what I did or didn't do to him and therefore I can be set free. Does that make sense?

Congratulations, Queenie, on raising a superb young man! That is a feat in itself.

Oy, the what if's will drown you. I'm with Mark. When you hear yourself saying 'what if' replace if with IS. What if's come from living in the past; they have nothing to do with right now, and as you know, right now is all we have.

Right now, your husband is a cad. He is as he is right now. Accept him. Yes, he could be avoiding his issues, and therefore, ALIEN, but he is who he is TODAY. Nothing you say or do will change that.

I don't avoid that anymore. I don't allow myself to believe that PWC doesn't get what he's doing. That's just not so. He knows, he lives it everyday.

When you can get to a place where you stop taking responsibility for his choices, as if you are the cause of it, you will like yourself a whole lot more. You will love yourself.

So you've made mistakes. Who hasn't? That's in the past, and can only define who you are now if you let it.

I'm sorta rambling. Must be the heat...

Hi, Queenie. When I was struggling with letting go, BrambleRose recommended this to me. It might help you, too.

The Language of Letting Go

This is true. It's not a spigot that you can just turn your love and care for someone on and off, especially your spouse with whom you share so many memories and with whom you share children. I don't think anyone expects you to just STOP loving him. I don't think it's even possible.

Queenie, you will ALWAYS have SOME kind of feeling for your husband if he doesn't return and gradually the pain of what he's done will lessen for you. In the meantime, recognize that your feelings are true. It's what you do WITH your feelings that make your life different.

When you start to feel despair, hopelessness and lonliness, tell God. Ask Him to take it from you. Immediately, turn to something else in your mind. Think about how good God is. Think about your children. Think about others who may be hurting. Go DO something to help someone else. There's ALWAYS someone out there who is hurting as much as or worse than you.

You're a lady of class with a HUGE good heart. Start taking care of that heart because there are people in your life and in your future who will depend on you, and your big ole heart.

Actually I get to see her just about every day. She and her mommy live with us and we often baby sit while DD is at work.



I can't think of any way it could.

Queenie, I don't expect you to turn off your feelings for your husband. He has done all he could to do that and many would by now hate him as much as he was once loved.

The fact of the matter is that you will need that love for him if he ever decides to come home. It will be your love for him that will give you the strength to take him back. After what has already happened, there is no other reason to even try.

You can't fix him and I know you know that. And it is OK to be sad about his shirking his responsibility to his family and missing his son's graduation. That is something he can never get back. It is gone forever. And it is OK to be sad about that as well, but you cannot make it right and you can't make it better and you will never get the things lost back either.

So make the most of this time. Make your life, with your sons the best it can be. You have the relationship only you can have with them. When they are older they will love you all the more for it.

You did not create this situation and did not leave anything undone to prevent ending up in Plan B. You did all you could to stop the insanity of what was going on. You did a marvelous Plan A right up to the point of delivering your Plan B letter. You carried yourself with dignity and hope long after most would have thrown in the towel and sought revenge.

Now it's time to turn to what you can do for the future. You must do it for you and for your boys. You can't replace their father, but it now falls to you to pick up the slack and be there for them because your husband is not. In order to be there, you must start taking care of yourself and your own needs so that you don't fall apart when they need you.

And just so you know, it is OK to be angry. You should be angry. You did not choose this; it was chosen for you by someone acting out of purely selfish motives.

And rest assured that God did not choose this for you either. It is not punishment for past wrongs. You already know you have been forgiven for things you have done in the past. Act from that forgiven state and move forward with God's help and protection because you still have much to do.

I also want to echo what you are being told by others. I have seen your posts to others who are hurting. That can be your greatest offering to God, to help others who are living through the same pain you have suffered. This is how God can use even the worst day of our lives to His glory and benefit. You can offer support that only comes from having lived through the terror and trauma of the experience. Some day that could be your legacy, that you were able to transfer your strength of character to those who felt as lost and hopeless when they arrived here as you did on your first visit.

You have here 235 pages of sorrow, anguish, fear, and finally peace of knowing that you have fought the best fight possible and though the outcome is still in doubt, you have endured it all and are a winner.

Don't lose hope. Build the best life and the best relationship you possibly can with your sons. Someday your husband may want to join you, but if he does not, you will still have the life and family you can be proud of and the admiration of all those who have come to know you during this time of your life.

Know this, that God is using you even as I type this. Without this thread many might give up hope and bail out when they realize that they have been betrayed by the one they love. Your faith has been made stronger and more real than ever before. You see, God only uses broken vessels. Until we are truly broken, He can't do much with us because we think we stand on our own. But when we reach the end of our own strength, that is when He can really use us and show His real power.

Yep, God definitely uses cracked pots...

Print that one out...

God uses cracked pots!

Until we are broken, we ain't worth much at all. but once utterly smashed to bits, He gives us our real value to use us for His purposes.

I don't write anything for over a week and now I can't shut up...

Shut up, Mark!

Mark

Hi Queenie,

I am sorry for the pain, Queenie...

...sometimes struggling with our feelings is part of the process...

...I have come to view 'feelings' as messengers...and ONLY that...

...they are neither the source of the pain nor are they good decision-makers....

...but can be very INSISTENT about being HEARD... because they take their role very seriously... and won't go AWAY until they KNOW that they have been heard... and KNOW that you are DOING something about it!

...I am trying to learn to think of them as 'friends'... very very old friends...

... and like a puzzle... or peeling layers off an onion....try to figure out what their MESSAGE is....

I would venture to say it is this:

(((((((((((((((((((QUEENIE IS WORTHY)))))))))))))))

...and if so, what are you DOING ABOUT THAT?

Queenie hang in there.....plan B does get better...

I thought I had to let you know how right you are when you say "we don't know whats happening on the otherside of the mountain"My WH and OP have both been fired,I don't know why!!DS18 told me..its bad news for me financially but at least MAYBE fantasyland might be crumbling..

We do have the upper hand in this awful experience of affairs in that MB gives us the knowledge and tools to cope with it all.
I know it doesn't make the pain any less but we can be sure that most of the times they don't "live happily ever after"

Queenie... where are you today?? You okay?

I was wondering the same thing?Maybe shes busy at school,her boss keeps tabs on her I think!!!!

Oh, I thought school was out by now. Maybe that's it.

I am ok... I have been swamped at work and unable to log on. Last night when I finally got home after a LONG day I was faced with my OS there and quite upset. What I came to learn was that he and his brother got into quite a serious fight, where YS chose to leave.

Because of you on here, I sought G-d for guidance, well to be TOTALLY honest, anger took over at first when my older son threw words back in my face. I ripped out a draw and threw it into the closet to relieve frustration. I missed and now have a sligth hole in my rented door...UGH... But what came about was me sitting down on the couch and begging G-d for help on this. Surrendering myself to him to break me as much as he needed and giving this to him.

A calm settled. I called YS to come home and when he walked in the door I told him that what happened was absolutely unacceptable and that is he didn't want to live by my rules he can go live with his dad. He told me he didn't want that. Not knowing that he had been hit in the face, when I went to go speak with him further I saw his face. I had him come out where we got ice, a towel and I made him lie down on the couch with me while I held him and told him I loved him. I didn't know what to say, so I prayed and prayed inside my heart. And then the words flowed. My OS didn't come home and that was probably a good thing. He is ANGRY that his dad didn't come to his graduation. This morning I came to work and saw an email from my DD where she was completely torn apart by the anger that each one of her brothers took out on her last night. I was so proud of her for writing me and owning her feelings of hurt.

And so... what I tried to avoid has gone on long enough and I feel that G-d is giving me strength to begin to truly build a new life for my children and yes myself and create a family that is healthy and eventually healed and happy.

So I sent this letter to my children and I would like to thank you Luna for what you wrote because I just included it in my letter. It may not be perfect but it's a start and I am committed to this because I have no choice. I have three young lives who are depending on me and somehow G-d will give me the guidance to move forward. I haven't had a chance to read what you all have written. I apologize and will as soon as I can. I love you all so much and am so grateful you are in my life.

Here's the email to them.
My darlings,

What has happened to this family is beyond our control. We didn’t choose this but we are going to deal with this head on.

And this starts today. Each one of us has feelings and emotions of what has happened and have tried to brush them under the table and say they don’t exist. BUT they do. And what happened last night is evidence of that.

Each one of you has a lot of dad and a lot of me inside of you. The simply fact is, each one of us is dealing with this the only way we know how and doing the best we can. But that’s not good enough anymore. The healing begins TODAY. But that is going to require us to learn new ways of dealing with the emotions that are inside of us. This is not a choice. I will no longer live in a home where people don’t take responsibility for their feelings or actions and blame other people.

We are all angry about what dad did. We are all saddened. We want things to be different and to keep lying about this is unhealthy.

I am the leader of the family now and I am going to help us heal as a family because G-d is leading me to. But this is going to require us to learn new ways and new things. It is absolutely NOT ACCEPTABLE to HIT one another. I will NOT tolerate violence. It is however ok to be PISSED off and ANGRY and need an avenue to vent that anger. But we have to learn to vent our anger in healthy ways. Got it.

We are still a family. And we are going to become a healthy family and learn to own our feelings and stop blaming other people. Understand.

Your dad and I didn’t do a very good job of teaching you some important lessons in life about how to work through problems, and that is changing because I am learning new ways to handle emotions and work through them. Dad and I didn’t have good boundaries to each other and our own selves. We didn’t set clear responsibilities on what is and isn’t our problems and as a result each one of us, will be learning this together. If you choose not to be a part of this, that is your choice, but you will no longer live with me because I choose l’chaim (life).

I love you kids beyond words. And honestly, if it weren’t for you I would have given up and gone away because I didn’t want to deal with life and get through this. But I didn’t have a choice because you need your mom. You need me to step up, seek G-d and find the strength to move our lives forward to recovery and become whole once again.

When each one of us have had a chance to calm out we will sit down and process through what happened, what is going on for each one of us and come up with a plan of action on how to proceed. We will instill boundaries on how we are going to own our own feelings, take responsibility on taking care of ourselves when we are having feelings and accept that each one of us have a right to our feelings.

Someone just wrote this on my thread about feelings….

...sometimes struggling with our feelings is part of the process...

...I have come to view 'feelings' as messengers...and ONLY that...

...they are neither the source of the pain nor are they good decision-makers....

...but can be very INSISTENT about being HEARD... because they take their role very seriously... and won't go AWAY until they KNOW that they have been heard... and KNOW that you are DOING something about it!

...I am trying to learn to think of them as 'friends'... very very old friends...

... and like a puzzle... or peeling layers off an onion....try to figure out what their MESSAGE is....

Be forwarned that in this NEW FAMILY, we are going to figure out what the messages are and help each other learn to deal with them. No longer will we live like we used to and stuff. If you choose to not live this new way you have my permission and loving blessings to find somewhere else to live. I hope you’ll choose to be a part of our new healthy life. I am looking forward to it.

All my love and respect, Mommy…..



They don't call me mommy anymore by the way... They are too old, but still my babies...

Queenie, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. What a beautiful, HEALTHY letter to write to your children. From where I sit, you've risen to a whole new level in your growth and spirituality. Good for you.

AMEN! I HAVE THE UTMOST LOVE AND RESPECT FOR YOU!!