I'm so sorry, SWW.

It is recommended that you not make any life changing decisions for at least 6 months after DDay.

Do you know Charlie's last name? Is he married? Do you know his family? You'll need this intel in order to expose the A.

And you really need to get another job where you can be home every night.

Remember (I know it is hard to think through the pain) that you have just been through a HUGE TRAUMA. Do not make any big decisions yet. Just wait.

If your mind isn't clear enough by the weekend, maybe you could stay the night with a friend before going home. Just don't go in with the pain in control.

Do you want to try to save your M? If you do, then you need to make sure that you have your ducks in a row...

First, irrefutable evidence of the A. I think that the text is probably good enough. It would be hard to explain away, although I bet she'll try. When you tell her, you need to be ready for her to explode and deny.

Second, be ready to expose the affair to everyone who might help put pressure on your WW to end it. Do you know anything about Charlie? Maybe the PI could work on that part.

Third, be ready for a great Plan A. You want to make the affair uncomfortable and your marriage comfortable. You want your WW to realize that the A is NOT the best choice.

I am SO SORRY to hear that you are going through this. I hate to say it, but I think that knowing for sure is almost easier than just suspecting...it makes you feel less crazy and gives you a chance to make real decisions.

Keep posting here. You are going to have a HUGE range of emotions to get through and the people here can help.

(((SWW)))

do iknow him hell yeah he is a predator 35 yr old that have hated for a long time. ww knows this. and dont give me any crap about revenge affair. this is horrible! i think ia heve done pretty freaking well not blowing my stack and keeping it to just a couple of people.
why the hell would i want to be some doormat and even try to make this work? why should i do it when she is still lying? what kind of hell do i need to put mself thru?
my crotch is sore to my stomach, solid effort charlie? and just go home and live my life the guy whose wife screwed a friend who still hangs out in our broader social circle. like a puss*? + dont know what to do except drink...

plan a. you have got to be kidding. i have no idea what i want but plan aint it. from this board i have just enough patience to hold on right now and not say a freaking word. what a lying who*e. to sleep with a person we all know. no to cheat on me at all!!! i cant think right now. i wont sleep. what do i do tomorrow? i .....

yup, its a terrible feeling finding out you've been betrayed. I remember when I first got enough evidence to make it really undeniable to myself. Even though I already had very strong suspicions, it was still like being kicked in the balls. Try to realize that the new evidence only confirms what you already knew. It seems like it makes it more "real" but it doesn't.

Anyhow, been there man, it sucks.

SWW,

I just read through the entire thread.

I know how pissed off you are.

Pissed off doesn't even begin to describe the feeling, actually.

It's HATRED. Not "I hate it when I stub my toe" or "I hate Mondays", but real hatred. I think many people go through their lives without ever knowing what it really feels like. Now you know.

Me? I nearly killed two people on d-day. I spent a good amount of time figuring out how to kill OM and get away with it, and I think I actually came up with a solid plan that only bad luck could thwart.

Thinking about being there, standing over him, as he realizes what has happened to him and he draws his last breath, nearly gives me wood. Even now.


Do not break the law. You know how these things go...the poor sap who DESERVES to exact revenge on another person ends up in prison, while the scumbag who should be run over by a f_cking steamroller ends up high-fiving his attorney in court.

Since you know who the guy is, drag his name through the mud as much as you can. Tell his family, friends, and ESPECIALLY his co-workers, supervisors, etc.

I know that not all military officers are Rambo all the time, but I would imagine that having a military officer wanting a piece of your [censored] would be a little scary. You've gotta know lots of people...guys that would gladly rough OM up if you gave them the nod. OM should know this if he has a brain at all.

Let him know that you know.

SWW,

I am a pro-marriage person and I have to tell you that in my gut I don't think that your WW will ever change. That may seem unfair, but at a minimum, you need to go to a DARK PLAN B while you contemplate what to do next, potentially a divorce.

She needs some serious help and I think this is a lifetime of behavior that may never change. You need to protect yourself and protect your children. How quickly can you get a job to keep you in the house with your kids??

So sorry that you found that on her cell phone, but glad you got some answers. My gut also tells me that it's not just "Charlie". He fulfilled a need that she had while acting out, but there are probably lots of "Charlie's" out there based on how you have described her behavior. I'm shocked that her phone filled in the entire sentence. I've never heard of a phone that does that. Only words one at a time if you begin to type them. What a shocker!

Please don't do anything that will jeopardize your own safety and the future of your children with their father. But do take action and again, sorry if this seems like it bypasses MB principles, but I truly believe that you need to end your Plan A efforts and move forward with B and decide about D.

Be well my friend!!

SWW,

It sounds like you are getting good advice here. Only you know what you want...whether or not there is anything left to fight for in your M. We are all outsiders.

You are not going to be seen as a p*ssy if you decide to work on your M. Most people that I have met see the act of recovery as an act of strength. It is easier to walk away. With that said, I don't want you to think that you SHOULD try to recover, just that it is an option.

Exposing the A is something that you can do regardless of your choice about recovery or divorce. But make sure that whatever you do, it keeps you in a healthy light. It is much harder for a man to keep his kids than a woman (sad but true) so you want to make sure that all of your actions speak to your commitment to the safety and well-being of your children. THEY are the important part. Don't let your emotions steal them from you.

Good luck. Keep posting.

My H is a vet and he mentioned to me that you have access to mental health in the military. Maybe talking with someone, even off-base, would be helpful to you. That way you can kind of get your thoughts in order before you confront your WW.

Just a thought.

SWW,

Keep the PI going. You need additional genuine incontrovertable hard evidence. Yeah, you know what you need to know now, but you also want intel she cannot spin or deny. Makes it a lot easier on you later wnen you confront and expose.

Also, pleeeeze consider calling the MB councelling center. They will tell you want you need to know right now and what you need to do right now.

I tend to agree if your WW has always been this way it may be impossible for her to change.

Your current long term goal should be keeping primary custody of your children, no matter what. Document, document, document.

With prayers,

I can't help it. This will not leave me alone until I write it down. SWW could also say, "Sorry, Charlie!"

I like the idea of OM's untimely death being capped off by a bad pun from a 1970s tuna commercial.

Reading your description of your wife's behaviors - her years of history ... I couldn't help but think she may be borderline:

From another site .....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Does your WW have a majority of these symptoms? Not just now, but over the years?

If you think this shoe fits your wife - Marriage Building concepts will not work.

If you think she might be borderline - contact a mental health worker and ask questions.

Children raised in a home with a borderline have lots of difficulties .... and this should be your major concern if you think your wife may have this illness.

Best of luck.

http://www.bpdcentral.com/images/Ihateyou.pdf

Here's an article on Borderline Personality Disorder that could shed some light as well.

I agree with Pepperband that if she does have a mental illness, MB principles will not work for you.

SWW, get some counseling for yourself!! You need all the support you can get right now!

I have a copy of Randi Kregeris's book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, it's very good. The book helped me with my work.

Borderlines can be quite interesting and charming - as long as they think it is useful for them to remain so. They can turn on a dime and it is such a quick transformation it does not seem possible.

The link you gave is very good.

Pep

Same book, on my nightstand, dealing with my DD.

SWW needs all the resources he can get for this situation. Glad you brought it up!

SWW,

Just checking in! Hope you're doing ok out there!!

I am sorry for your pain. Your wife has been walking all over you now for years. I think you are finally ready to see WHAT she is and what her character is. So, hold it together, gather all the evidence needed, etc and walk carefully, slowly, and firmly toward divorce.

I do not think there is any use confronting a woman like that. She has proven for years she is that way and wont change. It is deep in her personality to lie and cheat. Who knows why......


But you can do this! You can handle this wrench in your life! You are strong now! You have faced the truth!

Dear SWW,

I checked in to read the thread and find out how you were doing. I am so sorry about the recent developments. You certainly deserve far better.

Please use EVERY resource available to you (i.e.; counseling, PI, MBB, legal advice, etc.) to get through this terrible time. You WILL get through it, I promise.

My sister is also struggling her husband's infidelity. She's been abandoned with three children. She has started taking antidepressants, and it's helped her cope. It's something to consider if you feel really overwhelmed.

You are a GOOD man. I'm praying for you!

Stay strong, and try to have a good Father's Day.

Carlee

well friends i am in ned of help. she as much admitted it. said we need to talk. cried for an hour to a mutual frend but friend said she sounds sorry but not completely ready to give it up. marsh you will be mad at me, but after finding out i could not face her. i have the kids at my dads house.

she wants to get together today to talk. i just dont think i am prepared mentally or emotionally. all i seem to do is smile and then cry. if she lies i will lose it. help!