Believer thanks so much for your support....WH fetched the boys from school this afternoon and I passed them on the road on my way to work.Made me feel sad seeing them all together..I was feeling very down here at work untill I read your post...
I so hope you are right...WH is a very proud person and now that he has lost his job he has more to be ashamed of,therefore I think he will be more determined to make his affair work.
Money is WH's no.1 priority in life,the job he just lost was his dream job...his 45 and starting over...

He text me the following just now.."*** please i need 2 speak to u.I am no longer working for ****"

I never replied...do I keep avoiding him?

jlr thanks for popping in !!I need all the support right now...

Hello- I have been following this thread. Please explain to me, after all I have read, why you are conflicted about giving your STBXH anything...a "loan", your time, considertaion or pity?

For the past three months he financially abandoned his boys- without the benefit of telling you the truth why.

Please re read your posts. you have written many times.."I just can't trust.."
.."I can't believe a word.." (and the like)

These statements are in fact your own answer. You can't trust him. Speak to your leagal counsel immediately. Your STBXH is attempting to bamboozle you into a deal for his benefit- not for you, not for your boys. I feel so sorry that you are in this position. He must be desperate (for cash) and think you are too (for him).

Ask your Attorney about house equity. Sometimes you do not have to give your husband his "fair, evaluated equity" until the younget minor child reaches 18. It depends on the divorce decree. You are not forcing this hand- he is. It is his problem- why does he expect you to bail him out?


You can not let your boys suffer just because you want a M.
You seem to have guts. You have a good job, a clear head on your shoulders, you correct your mistakes quickly- please think this one thru-
take everyones advice-- stick to your plan B.


Wishing you well-
BC

Barbiecat you have summed me up pretty well!!
WH always likes to be in control of things and tries to hold all the cards...for once I am!!
WH has being paying the morgage,telephone,satelite tv,...my lawyer insisted that he keeps paying these accounts.WH arguement was that all I pay is the school fees and electricity!!!he forgets about food etc..but as you say he failed to tell me about losing his job...he would have been ashamed to tell me..if you recall in my posts..when he told me he wasn't going to give me money,we were at the hospital with my sons op..WH was a nervous wreck and literally tried to walk away from me..now I know why...OP had been fired and his job was on the line..his behaviour at the hospital always puzzled me...

Thanks for the tip about house equity,I will check with my lawyer..

Queenie always tells me we don't know whats going on in their world...here I was thinking they were happy soulmates while I was suffering financialy!!...boy was I wrong..WH doesn't handle stress well,I was the stronger one.
I know I can't trust him..his not my H..He has his back against the wall so to speak and this could make him desperate who knows...time will tell..

Plan B is my only protection now from being emotionally blackmailed...
If we do talk shall I tell him the door is still open or shall I keep this for a later time?..

Every time WH sends you a text message regarding anything $ financial $

Your text response is:

Your attorney's office number

Good one Pep!!

At the moment his just trying to make contact and I'm ignoring him....

Shall I let him know the doors open for him to come home or shall I say nothing....it might make me look needy,don't know...

Thats only if we end up talking which I don't want to happen..
I have to show him that I am NOT the desperate person that I was before plan B...
I think that he will be surprised that I haven't contacted him since he has told me he has no job!!!
I MUST BE STRONG AND SURE OF MYSELF...A GODDESS!!!

Didn't you tell him your requirements for him to come home in your Plan B letter? Well then he knows the door is open and what he has to do to walk through it.

I did write it in my letter but I doubt he remembers the letter at all.....
I suppose the fact that I haven't pushed the divorce also tells him how I feel..
I have learned not to think too far ahead of time and just worry about today as "what ifs" can drive me crazy!!!

The old me would be panicking like mad about WH having no money..
God definitely helps!!!!
Going home now!!!

Your husband knows what he needs to do to come home, but he doesn't WANT to. He wants to continue the affair and plunder the family home equity to start a busniess with the adulteress.

Let him suffer the consequences of his choices. Let him see how he likes being poor and looking for a job.

I really think this affair will end, if you just stay out of the drama.

He remembers - or - he will remember once his head is finally pulled outta his [censored].

Repeating your "Get Out Of Jail" requirements is not necessary - simply repeat

your attorney's #

Once every 2 weeks - pick up the phone when he calls - and say :

"Have you ended your adultery with OW?
If he says "no" or says "I'm trying" .... you say:
"Let me know when it's over. Good-bye." *click*

NEVER refer to what WH is doing as "an affair" - call it what it is - ADULTERY

You are gaining ground here with Plan B - you just haven't been around long enough to recognize that fact. WH is getting desperate. This is a good thing for you.

Believer has darn good instincts about this - she lived it herself - listen to her suggestions and her opinions.

Pep

Well, Pep, I know all of the WRONG things to do, so I guess that is a help here.

I kept thinking that if I helped my WH we would get back together. I kept thinking that he didn't know what he needed to do to get back together. I had too much contact in Plan B.

So by the time the affair did end, I was done.

No money, no job, no more luxuries is GOOD for killing an affair.

I can feel this one unraveling.................

Pep,



Can you elaborate on this? What should she be recognizing?

Believer my 1st thought was to help him and he would be happy with me and come home...now I know differently thanks to you!!!
Pep I so hope you are right...I know now how important it is for me to stay dark...this is my last stand so to speak!!

Thanks so much for all your advice...
I'm leaving work now and will only be able to log on on monday when I am working again...its a public hol here but I'm working!!

I will leave work today with positive hopes for my marriage....
thanks to you guys.....
I know I'm a better stronger person no matter what the outcome will be....
Have a great weekend!!

Be prepared that he will try to pull out all stops to try to contact you. He NEEDS some money from the family home to finance his affair.

Pep has it exactly right, just refer him to your attorney.

And if your sons pressure you, let them know you are letting your attorney handle things. I'm sure dad will put pressure on them too.

Have a great weekend, and stay very dark.

Her WH's increasing discomfort and desperation are him experiencing consequences - which is favorable to her position that marriage recovery is preferable to the living hellof continued adultery.

Adultery comes with a price.
Just like credit card debt.

The bill has arrived. Let him pay it. He racked up the charges.

pay up!

Pep

Well my sons friend fixed my internet connection on our other computer so I can chat again!!
DS18 has gone to WH this afternoon(5pm here)and DS15 is there already...They are spending the night cos of fathers day tomorrow...
DS18 is pestering me to phone WH.WH told my son that "mom won't speak to me"..I hate that he involves DS18 like this..

DS18 said "don't think dad will come home..he doesn't run away from a problem."
WH is very proud and stubborn so I think he will have to hit rock bottom before he even thinks of coming home.

I think he will get nasty when he realises I won't ok the loan.I have to be very careful how I handle things from here on.
Don't you think that this crisis in their lives will bring then closer together?
They think that they were fired unfairly and they did nothing wrong...OP has a job working from home..don't know how much money shes making though..WH was paid out 1 or 2 months salary in advance ...(DS18 told me)so at the moment he shouldn't be tooo worried.
I sent a letter via DS18 now with all the expenses for DS18 's prom thats next month, and asked him to pay half..lets see what happens.
If WH phones me shall I answer and listen to his plea...if so I will be unemotional and tell him that "I will think about it" just like he did to me all those months back when he was fence-sitting!!!After a few days I will text him and say I decided not to ok the loan..what do you guys think?

Do not answer the phone - stay dark. I know it's tempting, but you'll undermine your Plan B.

I think you should stay COMPLETELY out of it and tell him to call your attorney. Just be a broken record and let him know that your attorney will be handling it.

Adversity WILL make the affairees pull together for a time, but then they start LB'ing each other. Because although they may seem oblivious to what caused all of their problems, deep down they know. So after all of the problems and sacrifices, each one will start questioning whether the affair was worth all of the chaos.

Your best bet is to stay completely out of the turmoil.

I was just reading the last few posts and realised that staying dark was the best thing to do!!Thanks Chailover for reminding me too!!
Well DS15 just walked through the door..WH bought him home to fetch a computer game..WH must have just got back home from fetching DS18 and then had to come all the way back!He is really trying to please the boys!!
DS15 told me that he had spoken to WH about living there forever and he oked it and said DS15 must discuss it with me.I calmly replied that it was ok with me and we'll talk about it on tuesday when he comes home.What do I do?I can't stop him...

Yes and no.

Yes, if they have a "bad guy" they can blame. This lasts for awhile. You step out of this role.

No, if/when either of them begins to feel he/she is sacrificing more than the other. Resentment can often build during a crisis.



If you get trapped into listening to his plea .... your response .... "I'll let my attorney decide what is best for my situation."

Don't listen to his problems - they are his problems.

Repeat after me

HIS PROBLEM

Pep

I think I would let son go. I dunno.

My oldest son (whose dad left when he was 5, and never had any contact with him) announced when he turned 18 that he was going to go live with his dad. I was extremely upset. My dad advised me to let him to. That lasted 3 months and he called and begged me to get him an airline ticket home. And when he got back, he was very appreciative of our family.

I would let son know that you are not comfortable with him living with the adulteress, but he is old enough to decide where he lives. Insist that he keep his grades up though. And let him know he is welcome to come back. I doubt he will stay long.