well, I finally met w/ my atty. aparently, all philandering jacka$$$ need to move to my state, because there isn't a d@#$ thing a spouse can do about ANYTHING.<BR>my atty told me that all the requests I made are a pretty much no go.<BR>she told me that i would have to let my d have overnight visitation (even tho HER counseler said it was not in her best interest). h can make me sell the house (to get his portion of the equity). that even tho this extra marital relationship has caused me and my d great stress, i can't get any compensation.<BR>she said that, including daycare and medical expenses, my child support payment will only about $500.00 a month.<BR>he isn;t responsilbe for any of the bills incured since he left; he isn't responsible for anything. don't tell me he didn't know what he was doing when he left.<BR>she also told me that since i filed for legal seperation, that will make me look bad in court-it will make me look WEAK.<BR>this has been one of the worst days of my life. not only has my h rejected my as a wife and left his precious child, now he gets to walk ALL over me in court.<BR>i can't take this anymore<P>

ceecee -- I understand what you are feeling I'm sorry.

Have you tried getting a second opinion? I have talked to several lawyers and got several different stories - one of them estimated a possible amount of child support that would have exceeded his take-home pay, which is obviously ridiculous. All of them gave me misinformation about something. Why would filing for a legal separation make you look weak - and for that matter why does it matter if you look weak, and how could looking weak harm you financially? I don't get it.

ceecee<P>That just doesn't sound right! Are you sure you weren't talking to <I>his</I> attorney? What state do you live in anyway? Isn't child support figured as a percentage of the non-custodial parent's take-home pay? And I can't imagine that any judge would force overnight visitation - especially when a therapist advises against it. How old is your child? After they reach a certain age they don't have to go if they don't want to.<P>You REALLY need to get another opinion.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P>

Empty Shell- Thank you. It's nice to see that you are still poking around. How are things with you? Well, I hope. <P>Nellie- I don't understand it either. I have come to the conclusion that none of this is to be understood. For what ever reason, it is happening as it is suppose to. <BR>How are you doing? I think about you often.<P>I was hoping for a much better response than I got today. Seems that the devil has his claws in everything. I was naive-once again-to think that the courts would back up what was right and just. Silly me. <P>One day, I hope to look back on all of this, and thank God for putting me through it. I hope that day comes soon, because I am growing very weary.<P>Thanks again<P>

Hi Patient-<P>I was postin while you were. I know, it sounds crazy to me too! She is my second atty-$200.00 hr to boot!<BR>Our d is only 2. she has been under a great deal of stress- she vomits after seeing my h-she wakes up with night terror- i have it all documented.<BR>My atty says that we, unfortunately, have lucked out on the judge assigned to the case. He isn't much of a family man-has his own sweetie on the side-doesn't care much for what the mother and child want. He just goes for the minimum.<BR>I am tired of fighting all of this. I just have to put all my trust in God that this will work of the best. It is very hard to do, put I have no other alternative.<BR>Thanks for listening. Seems like all I do is whine.

Ceecee,<P>I don't know all the details of your situation, but it sounds like you're getting screwed by both your lawyer and the judge(court system.) You say that this is your second attorney... still I would recommend to talk to others. I talked with 4 attorneys before I found one who would give me a 33%-50% chance of getting custody of my kids. The first (<B>the</B> veteran in family law) gave me at best a 5% chance!<P>Now... I have the kids!<BR>AND... I put my divorce on hold!... wife is not pursuing thank God!<P>I would recommend that you do a search on the web using the following "martindale-hubbell" site: <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html</A> <BR>Search by your state/county... under "family law"<BR>Look at each attorney and choose the one<B>s</B> that have the most experience in family law (almost exclusively) and belong to the most "family law" committees etc. and maybe those that "work with" the judges... maybe your judge (NO THIS IS NOT UNETHICAL!)<BR>BTW... my good attorney is expensive... $275/hr.<P>I know that custody is not a major issue, since you can probably get that very easily (mom's usually get the kids... I now!)... so look for one that will work on your other issues... "alimony" AND "child support"!<P>Alimony IS normally computed as a % of salary... but can be adjusted based on situations. Unfortunately... affair usually has little effect... according to my attorney too. <P>I know this sounds like love busting... but you MUST protect yourself and you daughter first. Then, work on rebuilding your marriage. This may not be the "Harley" way... but let me be honest with you... it sounds like YOU and your daughter must come first for a while... Your H doesn't seem to know which way is up. Try and put the blame of the "legal stuff" on your attorey (not you!)<P>I did this... my wife left me and kids when she saw she couldn't get the courts to agree with her to drag the kids to another state and live with her lover!<P>Now, I was lucky with the judge assigned to me... a woman... who DID care about family values... I was VERY VERY lucky. She even granted me restraining orders to<BR>1. Keep OM from entering my house<BR> (he did so while I was on a business trip!)<BR>2. OM cannot spend overnights with kids<BR> (wife can... but OM cannot)<BR>3. cancelled a vacation my wife had planned (with OM and his kids... would have been overnights too!) I didn't even ask for this one!!! <P>I'm sorry you got a raw deal on your assigned judge. <P>I pray for you... and will continue to.<BR>I feel that all the people who prayed for me is the major reason I have the kids!<P>I pray you get what you really want.<BR>I want my wife back!<P>Jim<P>---------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<P><BR>

ceecee -- Yea, I'm still hangin' around. My W is too, but she doesn't post much. Things are going pretty well for us right now. We are seeing a counselor, and I think we are making progress.<P>I am sorry to see the trouble you are in right now. I know what it is like to be told that you are going to get screwed, and there is nothing you can do about it Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days where you had to show cause for a Divorce. . .So much of the crap we all have to put up with would be at the very least dimished.<P>Hang in there ceecee. I'll be praying for you.<P>God Bless

Hi, CeeCee. I am so sad for you. You deserve so much more.<P>I have to agree with everyone else here. Something is not right. I would think that legal separation is something to protect you and d, since H deserted you. The support amount is something that is dependent on the judge you have. I don't know your H's income, but in this day and age, $500 doesn't sound like much.<P>In my first divorce, I had to pay $1500/mo in support and maintenance. When my parents divorced, the judge actually said, "Well I have looked at Mr. ? financial statement and I have reviewed Mrs. ? request for alimony. I really don't know where the money will come from, but I think she deserves what she is asking for. I, therefore, rule in her favor."<P>Something here smells to high heaven. I know it's your 2nd atty, but I think you need to shop around. This one doesn't seem to have your interests at heart.<P>On the visitation issue, judges have pretty much a free hand here. My B had problems with his ex where the children absolutely refused to see her on visitation. Even though their therapist strongly recommended that the children not be force to stay overnights with their mother, the judge ordered it anyway. It has done some psychological damage to the youngest, but the courts don't care.<P>My soul aches for you and your situation. You are a wonderful person and don't deserve what is happening. That doesn't mean that you have to give up on yourself. I'm pulling for you. Be strong. I know that sounds impossible now, but I have seen a hidden strength in some of your postings. Now is the time to draw on those reserves.<P>Hugs....<P>

Ceecee:<P>I am so sorry that you are going through even more pain than you already have suffered. The one point that your lawyer did bring up, that made any sense, was the fact that your husband was not responsible.....period!!!!<P>The court system certainly has changed over the years. I am from Canada, and I can remember back about 35+ years ago, when my mom had taken my dad to court, for back support money he owed. He made a big fuss in the courtroom, stated how he would not pay her anymore money now or ever, and if the judge didn't like it, then they might as well take him away immediately. Let me tell you. Dad sure sang a different tune, when the cuffs were slapped on him in the courtroom. He sure coughed the money up, pretty quick.<P>In those days, the children's well being was the first and foremost concern of the legal system, no exceptions were ever made, no excuses were ever accepted. It's so sad to see how low the law has sank in the last 30 years.<P>I hope everything works out for you and your daughter, and good luck!<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

hey guys,<P>Thanks for your words of encouragement.<BR>I have done alot of thinking today, and I am writing a letter to my atty. I am going to tell her WHAT I want, PERIOD. If she is not willing to fight for that-I will find a new one. They sometimes forget that they are a dime a dozen.<BR>I am tired of being walked on and abused like I AM THE ONE who did something wrong here. The only thing I can control right now, is my self and my legal counsel. I will find one that is willing to fight for me and my daughter. <BR>I really don't care about his money-frankly the less I get from him the better. I am to the point where I just want him out of my life. He is arrogant, self-righteous, and stubborn. He is cruel and uncaring and down right MEAN. I WILL not tolerate being treated like this anymore. I WILL find an atty that has my best interest at heart, and God WILL take care of the rest.<BR>I know it probably sounds like I am giving up, but I dont not, nor do I want this man (the one he is now) in my life anymore. If he can get his head out of his @$$, then maybe we can talk.<BR>I am not going to let him control my anymore.<P>Sorry, I seem a little hostile. I am just tired of being taken for a ride and apparently I am the only one who really cares about my daughter.<P>c

Hi CeeCee,<P>I am very sorry to hear of your most recent troubles with the law profession. I dont know about you but when it rains it pours for me. As if our current situations werent bad enough already. We go thru this crap. <P>I filed for divorce last Friday and the W yelled at me for it. "Do you know what you did?", I replied in the affirmative, as I was there and had to sign four copies. W said it was a major love buster. No one gets divorced in their family. I said you still seeing Brian is also a major love buster. No one cheats in my family. <P>Well we chatted and will try to go on "dates" to see if we should really call it quits. I guess this is some improvement. I filed on a whim when I was changing medication and mad as hell at her. Nobody said I was bright. The Wellbutrin has taken hold now and I feel much better. Cant believe I really signed the damn papers.<P>Sorry you feel that you have to exit the marriage. Some just can not be saved. Maybe in a month you will feel differently. My moods changed on a daily basis until I got on my "psych medication".<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

Hi Medic-<P>Thanks for posting. I have been following your story. Boy, I know what you mean about when it rains it pours. I can't seem to get a break.<BR>My h keeps lying to me. says he isn't in love-doesnt talk to her, blah, blah. I have been on Plan B for 2+wks. It is working for me. I couldn't stop lovebusting-even tho what I have to do now will be considered lb, but it is his choice.<P>I think we all get to a point where we say enough is enough. I honestly don't see my h getting his head on straight. I tried to be a good wife. Of course I made mistakes, but what he has and continues to put me through is way wrong.<P>Stay strong Medic. I look forward to hearing from you.<P>God Bless,<P>c

CeeCee<P>Glad to hear that plan B is working for you. I tried that a couple times and failed miserably. Told her not to ever call again that with the caller ID I would not pick up. Yea that lasted for about ten minutes. Experienced some of the worst anxiety attacks ever.<P>She still calls everyday, I guess thats a good sign. I must be impatient and would like to see some "real" progress. But I'll take what I can get.<P>With regard to what "they" say I don't believe a thing I hear anymore. She says I should forget about the marriage but she doesn't want a divorce. Theres very little hope. That I deserve better than her. Everytime I call her and ask to talk she comes right down. <P>Guess I'll just wait until the fog lifts.<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic

Ceecee,<P>It sounds to me like your lawyer is a little bit insensitive, but the facts may be ok.<P>I don't know how the law works in your area, but I am (unfortunately) well versed in Canadian law on the matter. Most states with no-fault divorce legislation work it pretty much the same way.<P>The state views marriage as basically a property and child-rearing arrangement. They are not interested in legislating morality or "rules of love". This is why most states no longer care what precipitated the divorce. They only mean now to settle property matters and ensure the best interests of the children.<P>I think most legislatures are experienced enough to know that almost all divorces involve adultery and that they are usually doing the "betrayed" party a bigger favor than they know by letting them out of the marriage. Once a cheating scumbag…<P>Anyway, the state simply views all assets acquired during the marriage as belonging equally to both parties, i.e. 50/50. Debt is treated the same way. All accounting is done as of the separation date. After that it's every one for themselves. In some ways that really makes divorce instantaneous, but they got to pick a date. Also, it minimizes the old trick, cheaters were famous for this, of running all the cards to max and selling the car to the new boyfriend for a dollar prior to the divorce.<P>Child support in Canada and in most states is done off a simple "table". It has the number of kids on one axis, and the non-primary-care parents income on the other. You just look it up and there it is.<P>Even child care costs are all done "by the book" now. Everybody gets the same deal. The only issue left to the judges discretion is spousal support (alimony). But even in that area the court has a mission statement: "To encourage the financial independence of both parties over a reasonable length of time." This usually means if you stayed home to raise kids, you can get support long enough to get a degree. (4 years). After that you are on your own. If you already have a degree, they give you long enough to find a job.<P>So I don't know about your lawyer's child care calculation. If you only have one child and ex husband to be is in the $60,000/year range it's probably not that far off. But there should be fairly significant add-ons for day care. Usually it works out that he would have to pay about half of the day care costs as well. Of course, these are all Canadian dollars, which are worth about as much as a peso right now.<BR>