Agreed with Mimi and B.

Wash that man right outta your hair!

Good thing I need to dye my hair again.

How about some HIGHLIGHTS?????

My grays are showing on the top of my head. It's all that swimming and sunning I've been doing.

Seriously, Queenie, your WH is the one losing out, not you.

STick to that healing philosophy that you've talked to your kids about. Thinking negative thoughts is bad news.

If you heard your WH and ho were arguing, you would then wonder why he would choose THAT over you. It's a lose:lose situation. PWC could be humping an entire team of field hockey players, and I would never know. I stay in the dark in all ways. See no evil/hear no evil.

Check out these posts by Charlotte. She uses the PERSPECTIVE I TRIED to use and what I've been recommending for you:

I think the day I truly believe that will be the day I have truly let go.

Because I am the one feeling like I am the one losing out. STUPID I know.

Can't afford highlights, but I can afford a nice color and with my grey the highlights sort of naturally happen. I am one BLESSED WOMAN on the hair and eyes deal.

It doesn't make a difference if you want your marriage restored or not? What happens when he is purged from my soul and there is no love left or I have moved on and he decides he wants to come home.

It seems to me, that if he were really dead and I'm not arguing that my H is gone at all, but DEAD, that's permanent and I would be free. But I'm not. I'm building a new life for myself, leaving the space open for him to come home.

Please help me understand the difference, I think I get it, but evidently I don't. Mimi how did you do you it? How did you think he was dead, purge him from your mind and hold out hope that he would come home?

The HUSBAND that I have TODAY is NOT THE SAME HUSBAND I had before the affair..the OLD HUSBAND really is DEAD AND GONE...

Really. I'm asking you to apply LOGIC. Losing out on what? A man who prefers a CRACK HO over you? You must grow to ACCEPT THIS, Queenie, so that you can GRIEVE. The MAN whom you once knew is GONE. He is TARNISHED by having been with her and THAT MAN will not return.

My H returned a BROKEN MAN who had to pick himself up and put himself back together into a person. He's NOT the same person who he WAS. In some ways, actually in many ways, he's a much better person. But I don't really know who he WAS. I thought he WAS a man who would not have BETRAYED me.

I look at this differently than maybe some do. REALLY, once I learned that my H was having an affair, it did change my WHOLE IMAGE of him. You hear me talk about PEDESTALS. I had put him up on a PEDESTAL. I've since learned that he HATED that, trying to live up to that IMAGE..but NOW, I'm trying to REALLY get to know him.

This being said. I really do believe that your H, AS YOU ONCE KNEW HIM, is DEAD and GONE and it is necessary to GRIEVE the EXPERIENCE of who he was...what you two had together back then.


BUT..BUT..LOCK AWAY INSIDE YOUR HEART..YOUR MEMORIES of HIM..that's where THE LOVE still LIVES. The SAME is TRUE of his LOVE for YOU. This is what YOU TWO would USE to BUILD UPON if/when there is RECOVERY.

Keep holding out LOVE and DESIRE for THE WAYWARD that is seen in the PARK and you will eventually LOSE the LOVE THAT YOU HAVE LEFT..cause HE is as NASTY, SMELLY, UGLY and EVIL as can be...

REMEMBER..she is not with YOUR HUSBAND/AS HE ONCE WAS..that HUSBAND is GONE..she is with the WAYWARD HUSBAND

THIS IS THE WAY I SEE IT...

I JUST HAD TO DO IT SOME KIND OF WAY!!

I tried to capture my thinking in the previous post...

I told myself that when if/when he came back, I would deal with it THEN. I BELIEVED what they were telling me that I had to LOCK THAT LOVE AWAY FROM ME and that it was SAFE and that I could RECLAIM it..Steve told me that..Mortarman was telling me that..but I COULDN'T SURVIVE day to day wanting him...

Basically, what I learned is: WE HAD TO FALL "IN LOVE" ALL OVER AGAIN USING WHAT WE HAD LEFT!!

And if I don't lock it away there won't be anything left.

I don't know if I have that inside of me. It took me FOREVER to completely open up my heart and soul to him. For SO MANY years he shut down and pushed me away. And when he finally got me completely exposed and open to loving him, he does this.

I honestly don't know if it's worth it then.

EXACTLY!!


And, of course, that's your choice.

IT WAS EXTREMELY HARD..but well worth it to have a marriage like this FOR ME...

That's where MY RELIGIOUS VIEWS fit in..I believe like CC..

GOD BROUGHT US TOGETHER and it was SATAN trying to pull us apart...I was standing tall against those EVIL SPIRITS....

I've been with my husband since a teenager though and I'm over 50..He would have remained THE LOVE OF MY LIFE..I would have had "GENTLEMEN CALLERS"..I THINK..that's the way I envisioned it...a life like B's....

Ok, you win.

Because this is what I believe too. He is my SOUL MATE. I feel his pain inside of me I always have. I just didn't know how to give it away to G-d and I'm so sorry I didn't.

G-d told me to let him go and stay out of the way.

I believe we BELONG together.

I dont know if I am strong enough to fight SATAN. And you KNOW that's what I believe is the evil spirits are involved here.

Can you help me with one thing.

I mean it when I said you win.

This battle is about the evil spirits, as sure as I am crying right now. I feel it deep in my soul.

But I feel so alone and not many people believe this. When I get into this frame of mind, PLEASE remind me of this. Because it gives me strength again to go on.

This is the silliest thing, but you know what saddens me of all if he doesn't figure this out and come home.

We won't be buried together. He is the other part of my soul that is love and giving because through all the hard times, I have grown to LOVE him more than I ever thought possible.

Queenie, reread Mimi's posts from today, over and over again. It's exactly what I have done, I have mourned, for the most part, the loss of my husband. I have a teensy tiny bit of love left, wonder of all wonders, and it's locked away. I have no idea how it managed to exist during all of this turmoil. Alas, it is there, but I no longer fan the flame or pray for it to remain. It's just there. I think about the man I loved. I have his child, our beautiful boy. It's hard not to see his influence in DS face or words.

I don't know what to say about spouses returning. Mine did, but I didn't recognize him (this still makes me feel a bit sad). Unfortunately, for me and DS, that never changed. I believe he either was not ready or never will be. I'm ready to move on.

There's no saying it any better than what Mimi did here.



To me, PWC was my ultimate mate. Not too mushy, not too firm. Just right, like a good peach. Rare. It has been a great loss for me. I can't speak for PWC. I continue to mourn. it's easier today, but PWC had to do a lot of damage before I got to this point. Must have been God working to break ME.

Yes. I agree WE are dealing with Satan.

GOD is strong enough to fignt Satan. We are called to have TRUST and FAITH in HIM..in the LORD...

Remember my FAVORITE: "Trust in the Lord with all thy might..lean not onto thine own understanding.."

Focus on TODAY, Queenie. You know about this more than I do. ONE DAY AT A TIME. TODAY you are "in love" with the husband IN YOUR MEMORIES. I'm telling you again. He does not EXIST anymore. THAT IS WHAT I HAD TO COME TO ACCEPT. That's what helped me. That husband, real BACK THEN, has become AN ILLUSION. But NOW, TODAY, HE NO LONGER EXISTS. You came to love HIM but that is not the man that he is TODAY. TODAY... he is a CRACK-HO ADDICTED, GOOD FOR NOTHING, DEADBEAT DAD WHO HAS ABANDONED HIS FAMILY AND GOES AROUND MAKING A FOOL OF HIMSELF IN PUBLIC...

So why would you want to be buried with such a guy????

BURY AWAY your MEMORIES of the HUSBAND THAT WAS...but HE IS NOT LIVING TODAY...

Are you thinking that YOUR HUSBAND is the one who is WITH HER? Do you think that he is being HIMSELF? I didn't look at that way. I knew that MY HUSBAND, as I knew him, couldn't possibly be doing the stuff that he was doing...and TODAY, now that he is SANE, I don't think he knows who THAT GUY was either...he's ASHAMED of what he had become...but as I told you earlier, because of having been THAT GUY and having lived through that, HE IS NOT THE SAME as he was..IS THIS MAKING SENSE? It's seems hard for me to explain. I'm trying...

I just had this thought.....

Queenie, what helped me heal was changing my mindset.

Based on what my x said to me, I realized that that the man I married had been a sham. He projected this persona that I saw but I came to think it had been an act. The marriage I thought I had was, therefore, a lie.

So, I was angry.....REALLY angry.

But, I came to see him a slime. I came to see my current situation as living more truthfully.

If this man is capable of shagging another woman while he has a loving wife at home with is children, he is slime. If he is capable of carrying on with this other woman after leaving his loving wife and children, he is not worthy of them.

Now, he could wake up and see the error of his way. As a child of G-d, he is redeemable. But, until he realizes that, he isn't worthy of you.

I think you may be, like me, addicted to the dream. And, you're scared about the future.

So, do you have any legal obligations for support in place....a legal separation agreement, a request for child support and alimony....I don't remember the legal term but there is, in my state, something you can file ordering support but not requesting any action regarding the status of the marriage.

Get a legal agreement in place and turn him over to the courts so you will know how you are going to feed the children.

Here it is!!! This is what I'm thinking about. It might help you to get on a better financial footing and lay down some of your emotions. And for your h to realize what he has done.

ALIMONY PENDENTE LITE
And reread the 12 steps but consider your x to be the addiction.

The 12 Steps

* Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
* Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
* Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
* Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
* Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
* Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
* Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
* Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
* Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
* Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
* Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
* Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Queenie,

How are you today? I'm sorry you are having a rough patch! I know exactly how you feel. I don't know that I could say much better than what has already been said.

Lik others,I, too, look back and think that the person I knew as my H was a complete sham. He put on a persona at the beginning of our M, or perhaps it was ME that had on rose colored glasses. I don't know. Either way, the person he is being TODAY is NOT who I thought he was and is NOT someone worthy of my love.

The love I had IS locked away. Will it ever be un-locked? That's up to Drac. I STILL tell people that I know that deep down inside that Drac is a good man. Most folks are amazed when I say that, and really, I don't say it very often these days as it is rare that Drac IS that good man in any way shape or form. He is a Crazed, Addicted, POS right now. HE has no idea who he is. He's out there with no clue how to fix ground himself back to where he needs to be in what he knows is right.

And, right now, he has NO DESIRE to try to fix himself. Until he does or IF he does, he's all on his own. I can't help him, I can't do it for him, I can't make him see himself as he truly is right now. That all has to come from inside himself, and he has to be willing to surrender himself to God for the help he needs.

One thing *I* think about is this - - -If I were reading the story of Bugs & Drac as a third person on the outside looking in, what would I think? What advise would I give Bugs? Would I not tell her what a POS Drac is? Would I not tell her that she deserves better??

ABSOLUTELY I would!! So, I'd better start telling myself those things. I'd better be truthful and real with myself.

What would you tell Queenie if you read her story???

One thing that Drac said to me at one point really has me stuck a lot. He said, "Bugs, I'm not saying that someday we can't date and fall in love again". WTF? What's that supposed to mean? When he's done Ho'ing around, we might stand a chance? I KNOW how ridiculous that statement is, but yet I continue to allow it to give me a sliver of 'hope'. I cling to it at times as a sign that he still loves me in some way and sees the potential we have together.

I'm working locking that up and away. I can't let it in my day to day life or it's going to keep me tied to him. I need to untie that knot so that I can continue on my path.

Lots of love & prayers!

{{{{Queenie}}}}

Queenie:

Listen to Bugsy...

She's GOT what I've been trying to say...