The question is not "is she sorry", but "will she break off this affair and QUIT lying to you for good and NEVER again party alone at nite, be selfish, lie to you, or have affairs ever again.

I don't think she will quit all lying, partying, manipulating of you, and having affairs. Given her history.

Here are some options for the "talk" she wants with you.

1. Postpone it until you think more about what you want.
2. Have a trusted friend go with you
3. Map out a script and decide what YOU want to say.
4. Demand she meet you at a MC office.
5. Take a tape recorder.
6. Wait a while until you are able to handle it.
7. Wait....so that you are less vulnerable and she can no longer manipulate you.

There are many more options for you here. Dont feel you have to be rushed into meeting with her. That sk*** can wait. She did it to you big time. It will give her patience to have to suffer and wait. For you, that is...if you EVER want to see her again, !

Stella is exactly right. Take your time on this. You need to settle down and realize that this is not the end of the world.

While it may feel good to think about offing the OM, the result will be that YOU will be in the clinker for the rest of your life.

And if you let your wife bait you into a fight, you may be restrained from being home and seeing your kids.

This is a battle, and you need to prepare.

I'm not mad at you.

I just want you to put yourself in the best possible position.

I agree w/ Stellakat, you need to postpone the talk.

You need time.

And she needs to be thrown off her game by being told to wait.

In the meantime, can you get to a doctor and get ADs?

SWW,

How long are you home? Do you stay home for a week at a time or just on the weekends?

I can see why you went to your dad's house since you haven't been living in the house each day her energy is permeating it. I'm sure your dad's house feels much more welcome and inviting and comforting. Just be careful to have a plan that does not cause you to lose your house (if you care about that) and your children.

Prepare, prepare, prepare. Document, document, document.

Make her wait until you are 100% (or as close to it) emotionally ready to have this first talk and I would suggest a mediator too (perhaps a relative or family friend).

Determine what plan you are going to take at this point. Have your options ready in your mind.

Good luck my friend! We're pulling for you!

I will pray for you, SWW. This is a difficult time, I know. I carried knowledge of FWW’s adultery around for almost 4 months before I could bring myself to confront her. I almost didn't survive it. I developed a number of stress related health problems. Some of which have not completely gone away even four years later.

And when I finally did gird my loins and talk to her she did indeed lie. Lots. If I hadn’t the proof I think I might have believed these lies of hers too.

Your WW has been living like this for a long time. She will not change easily, if at all. Be prepared for a very long haul, and even a D. But do it on your timeline and in your own and your children's best interests.

Document everything. And if she wants to separate (to find herself, or carry on her A some more, or in anger or for any reason whatsoever) make sure you stay in the house with your children and she is the one to leave.

With prayers,

SWW,

Give Dr. Harley a call and ask him for advice.

you are all right. i am going to wait till i am ready. she is calling me ten times a day and calling our girl friends and they re calling me too. though i have to say not really in support of her. just to say maybe u should let her talk. u are all correct. i have kinda figured it out that it couldnt be just one guy. if charlie was doing her an then got a serious girlfriend then who has she been with the past few months?

unless he has been cheating on his girlfriend with my ww. maybe thats why the first words out of her mouth when she talked to stephanie were that she had to call charlie and girlfriend.

dont worry stellakat. i would never do anything to land in the clink. it just seems like a pleasant fantasy. i dont need ad's i am doing a pretty good job with scotch although now i need to slow that down too and come back to earth.

she wants to pick up the kids tomorrow and take them home. i aint ready for that.

Maybe rather than fight about her taking the kids, play it her way. Suck it up and tell her that you are sure she's going through a lot right now and it might be easier for her to think/regroup if she didn't have to worry about the kids. Suggest that the kids stay with you at your dad's. Make it sound like it's for her benefit...it might avoid unnecessary trouble.

You don't want to "refuse" to let her have the kids because that might look bad in the law's eyes, but I totally understand why you want to keep your children with you. I would be worried that if she has the kids with her and she is in so much turmoil, she may use them against you.

You know, scotch works to a point, but as you start to "relax" into the pain, you'll want to be sober. Remember, all that you learn about your WW and her activities is good...it is truth...it hurts but it is better for you to know than not.

And every new thing that you hear (I'm guessing you'll learn more over the next few weeks/months), is good because you KNOW it now. Not knowing doesn't change the fact that it happened. It just changes what you are able to do about it.

Keep going.

SWW,

Put down the scotch, and get your butt to the doctors.

You have kids to think about.

Many BS go on ADs and they certainly don't eff w/ your ability to think the way booze does.

How do you know what condition your home is in? Is there food in the fridge? Is the house still a wreck?

Your kids need you, SWW.

Another reason to have allowed the PI to do his work.

You could have had alot of questions answered.

and good intel

spoken like a good 1630 if u know what that means. going to talk to her or rather listen tomorrow. ill let u guys know. thank you all.

Nope, I don't.


Didn't you just say you were going to wait to talk to her?

What's your plan? What is it you want to say to her? Hope to accomplish?

You say, I'm going to move home. Then you don't.

You say, I'm going to hire a PI/I hired a PI and then don't. Or canceled it. ???

You are all over the place.

Please don't meet w/ her until you have a plan. Otherwise she will be calling the shots.

You have suffered a severe trauma, you need to get your footing, get a plan, and work it.

I'd guess a 1630 is a military occupational specialty... that's why I like the Navy way... just call 'em what they are instead of a number! Is a 1630 an old intellegence MOS?

Anyway, what really matters is that you heed the advice you are being given. Have a plan before you talk (or listen) to her. You know that emotional decisions are not likely the best decisions, and you will be making a lot of emotional decisions if you don't process and regroup before dealing with her.

Yes, your wife did not turn bad overnight. She has been that way for years and years. You put up with it for some reason. Now you are seeing how toxic your wife really is. She is pushing you to the limit and then expecting you to come running back to her no matter what bad things she does to you. Maybe now life is handing you a "get out of jail free" card. You have to look at this....fact.

Would you marry your wife over again if you knew what she would be like? If not, then act accordingly. Take that "get out of jail free" card and start to finally live your precious life!

How are you doing SWW? Better I hope.

It is difficult to remember your objectives (think alligators and a partially drained swamp) when in the middle of this crap. Maybe write them down so you have them in front of you when you need them.

Near the very top of the list should be working for what is best for your children. I guarantee it will be not good for them at all to be exposed to your WW’s lifestyle. Keep this objective in mind as you go forward with what is also best for you.

Say, it occurs to me, depending on your level of clearances, if you separate from your WW you will have to report a change in martial status to your security officer. Don’t buy yourself career trouble down the line by forgetting important things like this.

Your WW will continue to gaslight you - more than she already has been. If her mouth is moving, you know she is lying. If her mouth is not moving you know she is lying by omission.

Continue to gather Intel. Keep the PI, and keep your attorney up to date.

Prepare to expose the adultery. Check with us on exposure details. It's scarey.

Oh, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, call the Harleys.

(Reminds me, a year or so ago teenage DS came across my stack of old LPs. He asked me what they are. I pulled my, at one time, very high-end turntable out of the attic, we hooked it up and he listed to the Beatles white album. He was amused, lol.)

With prayers,

well too late marsh. she and i had an appt today at three thrity. she was too busy next door helping the neighbor to make it on time.

she showed up and we started talking. then i shifted the converation to where it needed to be. i knew it would happen. it is all my fault. never an out and out confessiom but respones to my statements of you were sleeping with charlie garnered u drove me to this. i am apparently a horrible person. i was patient and decided not to fight back just to hear the truuth.

i told her that i might not have been the best husband but nothing justifies spreading for him. she fought back. military i abandoned her etc. etc. etc. i think its done.

i can tell shes miserable but i think its what she wants. so much anger. i am going to go silent now.

yeah marsh. you are always right. i just dont seem to listen.

yeah stella. she basically told me me cheated then told me how bad i was. tehm told me she was still free to be doing whatever she wanted and told me that if i wanted anything to happen for us i would have to be the one to make it happen.

I am sorry your wife is that way. She gives all us women a bad name. To me, she sounds like a real creep. Protect yourself man and get evidence of all the cheating. Good luck. Dont believe a word she says either.