You see, Guys. My H is DEFINITELY not an ALCOHOLIC. He can't drink enough to get DRUNK. I've seen him DRUNK about ONCE or TWICE but HE MOST DEFINITELY WAS ADDICTED to the OTHER WOMAN..

He was just like my father who I KNOW for sure WAS AN ALCOHOLIC...

Just as DESPERATE to get with her on the weekends as my father was to get that drink of vodka on his lips...

That's why I understand it so well, I think.

I lived it most of my life...

That first drink may be a choice, as was the A, but to the true alcoholic/addict there is NO CHOICE after that and unless you are one, you don't understand this.

You think normally, we don't. Our minds are out to destroy us.

I absolutely buy into this, BUT, Mimi.. WH doesn't and more than likely it will be YEARS before he ever does - because our M was forcing him to look at himself.

The question then becomes am I willing to sacrifice my life for him until that time, or live my life. Completely let him go and see what happens in my life.

I love my husband beyond belief. I think I have finally let him go. Because I understand why I have to.

He is a true addict. This A didn't cause him to become one, he was that already. He lived in a dry drunk for years and this is just one more level of it.

I'm scared for him, I'm sad for me and my children and I pray for our future.

It's possible he isn't living in a fog. But he is just absolutely into his ADDICTION.

I think you missed my point. I wasn't referring to THE CONTENT of what we are talking about. I was helping you with how to COPE with your FEELINGS as you were asking me about yesterday. When you start TO FEEL..ACKNOWLEDGE the FEELLING..then start TO THINK...go back to YOUR JOURNAL...and start TO PROCESS THE INFORMATION you've gathered about YOUR FEELING...I'm recommending a COPING STRATEGY...

Remember: "WHO GIVES A FLYING FLIP ABOUT WHAT YOUR WH BUYS INTO?"


Queenie, I want to shake you. Of course, DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR HIM! Like I was telling you yesterday. Day by day..if he is the WAYWARD, today, DON'T STOP YOUR LIFE ONE MINUTE..not even ONE SECOND for him. This does not mean DIVORCE HIM or carry on with someone else. YOU CAN LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT A MAN IN IT. Can't you?


I think this may be CORRECT but I'm no specialist on this. That's why I was recommending for you to ask someone who is.


NO DIFFERENT THAN ANY OTHER SITUATION ON THIS FORUM WITH ACTIVE WAYWARDS...


What? When we say FOG, we are referring to the ADDICTION.

What's different in your case, is that he's had OTHER ADDICTIONS..A LIFETIME OF ADDICTION...

But I think YOUR APPROACH at this point is the same.

HIS RECOVERY would be more difficult/different.

But it can occur if/when he reaches his BOTTOM. You know the deal...

Hi Queenie-

Sorry I haven't been around much, but end of the school year and such with all the new senior requirements. I'm still not done and students were out last Friday. Oh yes, and I'm interning for middle school summer school starting in a couple of weeks.

I had a couple of thoughts about what you posted.



Don't ever underestimate God's ability to get ahold of someone. When He does, the change can be at lightning speed, or it can take time. What I do know is, God's timing is perfect.

Ps. 37:4-5
"Delight yourself in the Lord
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him and He will do this."



I don't think it's a question of sacrificing your life. It's more about letting go of your WH and living your life trusting in God. The sacrifice IS in letting your WH go. Think about Abraham, when God asked him to sacrifice his son Isaac; the son Abraham had waited for; the son that God told him would be the fulfillment of God's covenant to make Abraham's descendants a great nation.

Maybe this is your "Isaac".

God ended up providing what Abraham needed. God didn't want Abraham to take his son's life-I think God wanted to have Abraham demonstrate that he trusted God more than he was depending on the promise (his son). It became an example for all of the Jewish people of complete trust in God and God's provision.



I think your love for your H is still in your heart so that you can pray for him without any bitterness.

You are on my heart and in my prayers.

I went back in the lab to get some work done, and was thinking about this, and I totally agree.

I've said it a number of times. If I have one cigarette, I'm a smoker again. I can't even have a puff. It's that addictive, so I get it.

In terms of powerlessness, I do agree that, after you have that initial puff/drink/encounter, you are then full blown addict again.

I have lived with EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS for quite some time now. I have avoided situations that would make it EASY for me to fall back into the addiction. I choose to every day. In my case, the thing I avoid is the thought process that I diminish the smokings consequences. Instead of thinking about my lungs being all black and yucky and coughing up grey mucous, I would think about those people that smoke all their lives, never getting lung or any other cancer or emphysema. I use to try and bright side the effects of smoking, so that I could continue to do it.

Now, I focus on how icky it is. How my clothes, hair, house and car smelled of an ashtray. How my skin was looking, nails, hair. I focused on the stuff I coughed up after I quit. How gross that was. I focus on the possibility of shortening my life with each puff. As the price went up and up on cigarettes, I focused on how much money I would be throwing away.

I also think about the positives of being a non-smoker, the ease of getting up and out of the house, the lack of craving, the clean environment I offer my kid, the money I save, and the likelihood of living longer and healthier. I can walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing.

Just curious about this SL. Are you able to be around cigarette smoke and smokers? Could you pick one up today and smoke it socially? Why or why not?

That's what I was wondering. Because he has had a lifetime of addictions would the approach be the same. What makes the difference for an alcoholic who is using alcohol/drugs and so Plan A is not recommended or with my WH who is clearly using this A. Is Plan B recommended in both cases or am I missing that point?

Nevermind, LOL, you posted while I was posting.

YES. PLAN B..until there is ADDICTIONS TREATMENT and not PLAN A.

EXACTLY, SL.

My H and I didn't take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to protect our sobriety and we fell back into the ADDICTION of life.

I HATE THIS DISEASE... so cunning baffling and patient.

Hindsight is 20-20, but after discussing what we have been, did I make the mistake of Plan Aing him?

Part of me thinks yes, but for ME. I needed to show him and do ALL that I did because I had so much responsibility in the breakdown of my M.

But part of me thinks what I did for me - might not have been in the best interest of him.

Hi JT...

I hear you, I really do.

I THINK YOU DID JUST FINE!!!!

Now, let's move on with TODAY!!

Ok, today it is.

But this has been very helpful for me.

Very productive conversation ladies, thank you. It's good to throw these things out there, those nagging thoughts, so that I can work thru them.

I agree with Mimi, it's been examined, now let's move on. I have gained more acceptance today, of my situation, instead of fighting it, trying to wrangle it and figure it all out, so that it can fit into that nice little box I've made. The gerbil can roam free for all I care, I will not be lunging at it (that one's for you SDGuy)

This was really helpful today.

I agree SL. This was a very healing, accepting day for me.

Thank you G-d.

On a GOOD note..

Today is my anniversary. I have been on this board for one year today and I can't believe how my life has changed.

But more than that, I am so GRATEFUL to each and every one of you. You are true heros in life and G-d is taking care of us.

Queenie, happy MB birthday

BTW, it was Isaiah 54, I think

And, one of the benefits of Plan A is that you work on yourself so that you emerge as an improved person.

Don't give up on you!!!!

Hi Cinder,

Oh no, I am NOT giving up on ME. I just have a hard time loving me. But today, something clicked about my H.

There is just a peace inside of me. I hope and pray my H find the rooms of AA and begins his process of healing his life. Because in the end that's way more important than us. He is sick. He is hurting, but he doesn't know it. I can't help him, fix him or do anything but move on with life.

It's not necessarily what I want, but it's what I need to do. And G-d gives me what I need, just not what I want all the time.

I just recently read or heard someone say, maybe the answer G-d is giving me today is NO.

He sees the bigger picture. He understands what is happening. Like Mimi, Mark and JT tell me, trust and walk in FAITH. And it's all I can do.

It's the last day of school tomorrow. It's one of the funnest days of school. After the kids get on the buses, the entire staff goes out and starts blowing bubbles at them while waving them goodbye for the summer. The bus drivers honk their horn. It's really touching.

And then staff goes and has a big ole celebration lunch.

I saw my evaluation today from my boss and truly she in all rights could have really gotten me this year, she was generous and not nearly as bad as I thought. I don't know if she realizes the pressure she is putting on me, but we are going to work some stuff out. So, I'm glad about that.