Does the boss know everything you've been dealing with?

This is the hardest thing to learn to accept, but the absolute truth. But once you do, it's almost freeing because you get to give him over to the only person who can take care of him better than we ever could or will.

I would tell her that she has amazing strength and faith in G-d, because I would have walked away long ago. But the deal is, like you, I know that deep down inside there is a truly good person who would absolutely be devastated at what he has done. I fight for this person. But like you and everyone else, I have to let him go and leave him alone.

One giant step was cancelling his membership to Sam's Club. Yep, that was pretty fun since I am the main person on the card.

Can I ask you one thing Bugs and maybe it really doesn't matter, but if you weren't divorced would you say this same thing?

Thanks Bugs, from the start I have always admired your tenacity at building a new life. You are doing amazing. I didn't think I was capable of getting to the places that you are at, and while you are way more ahead of me, I am slowly getting to each level as G-d sees fit.

{{{{{{{{{BUGS}}}}}}}}}

Hi Cinders,

Oh yes and she thinks I should just throw him away and be done with it. She lives in an ivory tower of a happy marriage, perfect children, and lots of money.

She and I just had this conversation a few weeks ago that she truly didn't understand that last year when I told her I was an alcoholic and my life had become unmanageable what that meant. She just saw that I didn't drink.

SHE HAD NO CLUE... or what my life had become and what I would have to walk through to just live day to day.

Well, sometimes those people who look like life is perfect are putting on a really good show. Remember that.

Heavens, no one believed what was going on when my marriage disintegrated. Funny thing is, everyone who knew both of us and then sees him thinks he did go around the bend somehow.

LOL around the bend.....

I have worked closely with her for a long time. She really does have a close knit family.

It defintely stunts her ability to be a people person and throw in her micro management style. Well it's just difficult under the best of circumstances.

I really like her for the most part, but I don't like that I am having to be absolutely accountable to all my work, it feels degrading and yet in truth, she is doing it to the teachers.

How was your day?

Wel, I did get to go to the dentist today. Boss was giving me grief about when I was to go......So, as is usual, there was no news at the dentist. Nice clean healthy teeth. Life is sweet! Son is doing a manga art camp this week. Daughter gets home tomorrow night.

Sweet!

What's the DEAL with YOUR BOSSES? MY GOODNESS!!

Ok, the deal is......I am an ADD adult so I do sometimes forget to let the boss know until a couple of days before an appointment. I am always willing to work over to offset as much of my leave used, usually sick leave, as is possible. So, the time rescheduling takes the boss some time when he reviews my time sheet twice a month.

That being said, I keep the three ADD/ADHD people in my family medicated which means routine psychiatrist visits for 3, dentist for 3, orthodontist for 1, chiropractor or phys therapy for me, physicals, eye doctor for 3, physicals for 3, and counseling whn needed. I am due to have some lab work redone and some additional test which I haven't scheduled due to work load.

So, I am out for a couple of hours fairly often but I use very little leave considering how often someone has an appointment.

As for vacation time, well, I'm an ADD adult doing boring repetitive work and I am not as fast as some others who do repetition better than me. I will admit I'm not the fastest but I have excellent accuracy. So, my backlog of work due is often higher.

And, as a retired military man, he can't deal as well with some of this.

Queenie, that's just it....you do it to be a better spouse - to be a better you - to know you did all you could once you realized there were big problems.

You did it to improve you.

If they don't benefit, it's ok. It helped you improve you.

Wow, Cinders with all you juggle around I have such respect and admiration for you.

The kids are gone and I'm a mess. I love this day accept when everyone is gone and it starts to get empty. But then I come to work tomorrow and I love it.

I still wish I didn't have to feel.

thank you.....but ya just gotta do whatcha gotta do. i'm the grownup at home so I gotta do it. NOT the life I chose but we are sometimes powerless.

Yes we are sometimes aren't we.

Doesn't make it any easier does it.

Well, sometimes yes and sometimes no. Sometimes you must fight. And, sometimes, it is wisest to accept the powerless situation.

When you are overwhelmed and can't cope, is it wiser to ask for help or struggle blindly? Won't most people help if you ask, if you speak your need?

But, asking can be a battle, also.

Hey Queenie!

I was just catching up and wanted to reply to this question you posed.


That's a good question and one that I've sat here considering for a while. The answer is Yes, and the answer is No.

You see, I "knew" in my heart that the only way for me to survive was going to be to let him go. But before the actual D, I didn't want to and just couldn't really do it. Oh, I tried. Believe me I tried. In fact, I'm STILL trying. I'm not there yet. YET.

So, if I were still married, YES, I would be trying to keep the love locked away so that I could be on MY path. Yet, I would most likely not be nearly so far along in my efforts because there would be more of the spark of hope than there is post-D.

I hope that makes some kind of sense to you. You see, either way, Divorced or not, for my own sanity and well being, I need to lock away the love and go down my path.

Actually being Divorced, though, pushes me to accept that there really is no other choice. Well, I suppose there ARE other choices, but none of them are right for me.

When I say I'm on my own path, don't get me wrong. I'm not out here completely over Drac. I'm not emotionally finished with him. I do still love him. I do still pray every day for the A to end. I want the Ho to go far, far, away and never darken his door ever again.

Will that happen someday? I don't know. I DO know that I can't make that hope & prayer the FOCUS of my life. IF it does happen, I can see Drac & I coming back into a friendship,,,,,,,,which is where we started. I could possibly see that developing back into the love we once shared. It would mean some big changes on his part, but it's possible. ALL things are possible.

Sorry for the mini rant here, but your question really made me stop and think. I wanted to fully answer, not only for your benefit, but honestly, I needed to answer for my own benefit.

Hope it helped!

And THIS is where you need to get to Queenie...

I typed a bunch more, but this is really all I needed to say...

Mark

Hi Queenie just thought I'd let you know I still read your posts and am praying for you...
I think you have a wonderful support team and I am learning from them as well as I read your thread.
Stay strong!!

Bugsy said it all, Queenie. It's what I have been wrestling with these last few weeks. I DON'T WANT to love PWC anymore. It's been very painful, but I do. This love does not mean I would grant him access to my life without some major growing up on and changes on his part. It's there, the love, and I believe it's there to stay.

I wanted to tell you ladies and gents that I am relieved to be among people who get what I am going thru. I'm not divorced yet, but the thoughts are all the same.

I read Bugsy's post this morning, and heard myself saying the same things.

An example of locking away your love is my mom. She told me that she would always love my dad (he was an alcoholic and physically abusive). She said that they 'fell in love' and married because they truly loved one another, but the drink became his bedfellow, and she could not fight that. She said it a number of times as I was growing up. It makes complete and total sense to me now.

I'm sorta rambling; really busy at work these days, but I wanted to get these thoughts down, so I could revisit them.

My life is more of a sea of calm these days. I'm able to think so much more clearly. The unfortunate thing is that I could not find this calm when PWC was around. I'd have tiny moments of it, but that was it. I'm grateful for the peace.

The love I have now is both a FEELING and a CHOICE. The feeling part gets disturbed if I hear anything about PWC from others. The choice remains for obvious reasons. I want DS to know that I love/d his father.

Thanks Bugs,

I appreciate your thoughtfulness and honesty.

This really is the toughest thing for me to figure out, how to LOCK away my love for my H, and keeping it safe so that maybe one day I will get to feel it again in its fullest beauty. I'm really not sure I know how this will happen because when I love, I love with all my heart and soul and to put it away just seems like a waste. But I keep praying to G-d to just follow in his will.

Yesterday, was a HARD day. I hit the HALT, hungry, angry, lonely and tired, but good. I went up to my bosses house for my second job and I fell apart with her H. This is what she wrote and I wanted to let you see that I am moving forward in my grief and pain.



I was so angry and wanted to scream at WH, but what good would it do, it isn't my H and he wouldn't care anyway. He is just sick and I wouldn't yell at anyone who was sick.

I was hungry because I can't buy the food that is healthy for me and so I am not eating, because my boys need it more.

Lonely, I don't even want to really go there.

Tired - the last day of school and while it's so awesome to see the kids leave, I'm going to miss them and staff. And it also means my time with my co-worker is coming to an end and that REALLY SADDENS me. She is my rock. When I started working here, she HATED me. down to the point of abuse on the job. But we slowly worked through it. She was my supervisor and then she retired and I can't tell you how much I missed her. She came back this year and now not only was she doing my old job, but I am her supervisor doing her OLD job. I am so grateful to G-d for this time with her and I am going to MISS her so much.

Yes, I was feeling sorry for myself. I want to just escape someway, somehow, but dangit, G-d keep letting me feel these feelings deep inside my soul and it hurts. I'm walking through it, there is NO OTHER way, but geez.

And so I kept praying like my boss's H said, he told me to ask G-d what my next move is and I kept asking over and over again. I collapsed last night and woke up.

And guess what... WH deposited 700.00, and my boys FINALLY said a word to each other, and then went to lunch together (and brought me back a sushi dish as a surprise), and then went on a errand for me - buying my tabs for my car, and now my OS took YS to lacrosse practice.

So, once again G-d is giving me such blessings that I need to be grateful for and just appreciate that I haven't died from this pain or drank and used. But I can tell you, I am sobbing to the depths of my soul today.

((((((QUEENIE))))))

Hey SL,

This is an understatment in survival.

I feel crazy out here in my world. I feel alone. I feel like no one out here understands. MB allows me to be with you all and no be so alone. Allows me to understand that what I am feeling is NORMAL. Allows me to help someone else if G-d gives me the opportunity and allows me the opportunity to keep healing in spite of whether I thought I could or not.

{{{{{{{{SL}}}}}}}}

I'm glad the calm is here for you. Rest with it and enjoy it.