First off, this is my first post and have always been the type to not share emotions very well. My wife and I have been married for just over 11 years and she just left about two weeks ago. At first she said it would only be for a few days, but now it has turned into two weeks and is extending beyond. She left because she said I was not giving her what she needed emotionally and treating her as an equal. Yes, we had out problems and squabbles, but I love her dearly. I am willing to take any steps necessary to save us. She is talking about needing to be alone and separated now and is even talking about getting an apartment, which means she will be locked in for 6 months....apart. I personally feel as though that would be detrimental to the healing of our marriage, but she thinks as though she needs it. What can I do? Is that too long?

Have you tried marriage counseling yet? That seems like a good place to start since your wife must be pretty unhappy to have taken such drastic measures.

I go to the first session on Thursday, alone. I am willing to take any steps needed to heal us. 11 years and two kids is a signifigant investment and I love her more than anything. I am just worried about her getting her own place for six months. I am worried it will fizzle out on her part. Does one think that that could happen? She says she needs to be alone right now, and it's killing me.

Yes, it is possible that your wife will not be interested in fixing your marriage, but not simply because she moved out and got her own place for 6 months. You need to start focusing on what caused her to move out in the first place and fixing that issue (or issues). Do you have any idea? Will you be going to counselling sessions together after you go to the first one on Thursday?

Have you snooped yet to see if she's having an affair? You have a 50% chance that that is why she left.

She is open to the idea of going by herself right now. I am focusing on why this is happening also. It is my lack of emotional support for her and she feels as though she is not treated like an equal. I am pretty positive there is no affair going on also.

Look around on Infidelity, and you'll see hundreds of people who discover affairs saying the exact same thing when they first come here. I'm just saying, if you don't snoop and rule it out, it won't matter what you do to fix the marriage cos the Other Man will be distorting her views.

I am sure there is no infidelity going on. She feels unequal and not receiving emotional support from me. I guess it takes a big slap to wake someone up and I am wide awake. I am worried about the 6 months though and realize everyone is different in any type of healing process. She says she felt "crapped on" for the longest time. I admit I am not one to show emotion readily. At the same time I have never felt like this before. She is the most important thing in my life right now and want to give here what she needs, not because she just wants it, but also because I want to give it. She is upset and I understand that and apprectiate how she feels right this second. It's only been two weeks. I am giving my all to be the man God wants me to be for her, the kids and our family. That is priority number one. She just needs to know it is for real and not just to "get her back in the house". I believe we can come out stronger than ever with a little effort on both of our parts, but my part being bigger obviously. That is where the time aspect comes into play, to see if the change is for real. She is my everything and I am giving it my all for her and the kids.

Well that's a start aod. How are you doing on finding ways to become more emotionally supportive and treating your wife better?

I'm looking at my marriage in a different way. In a way when we were first together. Making a conscious effort to listen to what she says and not just hear it. It seems as though time and complacency has set in and that is not right. The maintenance along the way hasn't been kept up like it should have and now I am breaking out all the tools for a tune up. I'm not letting the little things get the best of me anymore. The whole picture is me, her and the kids back under the same roof as a family and a happy one. My first marriage counseling session is tomorrow by myself and hopefully it will go well. I also made the decision to move out for a while instead of her and the kids. It is the right thing to do to let her stay in the house for her needed time apart. I have never run into this type of separation before. How should I act toward her? She is still my wife and we are not legally separated, but it is her time alone. Every time I see her I want to wrap my arms around her and just hold her.

You want to try and build up deposits in your wife's Love Bank (in Dr. Harley terminology) ... so what are some ways you could do that? You can still be loving towards her without physically throwing your arms around her.

How will you be structuring your family time, so the kids still see you? Will you be having dinner together as a family certain days of the week? Working out these details can be a way for you to show her that you will treat her with respect and listen to her. Have you read the sections of this website on Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) and negotiating yet? What do you think about applying them to your situation?

Luckily I will be staying in a standalone room in my married friends house. The kids will be coming to stay for two days a week. As far as family dinners and the such, she does not want this right away. She wants her alone time and stated she would let me know. I have not read the sections of the website you referenced yet. I did just place an order for Dr. Harley's Love Busters book for each of us though. I am still new to the website and did not see the sections you were referencing. Thank you for the advice so far.

You're welcome aod. Take your time and read the info under Basic Concepts (menu at the top of the page). There are a lot of ideas there so it is a good place to start ... no need to wait for the book you ordered to arrive

Good luck tomorrow!