My husband already moved out, been staying at his parents, but he got an apartment. He is coming over next week while I am out of town to take furniture. Can you think of anything I can leave for him or do that works with plan A?

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you are here, but this is such a safe place to be.

Can you give us a little more information on your situation?

Queenie

I would start Plan A by notifying the OW's husband. You can send him a registered or certified letter (I forget which) that he has to sign for. Be sure to include any proof you have.

Does the OW have any children?

I have confirmed that the OW husband does not live with her anymore. Apparently they were separated but still living together for the past year but he has now moved out. They do not have any children.

Glad you decided to post here, injeanious.

Queenie and believer will both give you good guidance, they just need a little history. How long have you and your husband been married? Do you have children? How did you learn of the affair and how long has it been going on?

I am so glad you found my threads finally! I have been watching other threads and seen what great advice you give. Here is my story copied and pasted from another thread. I will add a few things to answer your questions. I am anxious to hear from you!
Thank you so much!
Pam

I'm new here, waiting for my book to arrive. But here's where I'm at. I'd love any direction anyone can offer at this point.

We've been married 13 years, together 16. I am 40 and he is 38. We have no kids. My parents had a bad divorce so I always worried he'd leave me even though I had no reason to and he knew it. Maybe it was a self fulfilling prophecy.

3 years ago he told me he had gotten really drunk one night and gone to a massage parlor with friends. We went to therapy for 3 months and basically he said he was really drunk and didn't know what he was doing and we agreed we didn't have any problems in our marriage. The only thing we concluded that we needed to change was to make ourselves more of a priority.

Soon after that we started a social group for people without kids and have made tons of friends and always were doing fun things on weekends. We may have gone the opposite extreme not seeing family as much but we socialized together. Now he is saying we weren't alone enough. I never made plans without asking him first. We traveled alot. That first year after it happened we made a huge effort, like a honeymoon period all over again and then things went back to "normal". It was hard to completely forget but I truly think I thought it was just a drunken mistake Now he's saying he hasn't been happy for 2 years since that "honeymoon phase" was over amd that I never trusted him again. I was still insecure he'd leave me but not anymore than I had been before, due to my parents bad divorce.

5 weeks ago, 4 days after we got home from a 2 week vacation in Tahiti (where I sensed nothing wrong), I happened to ask if something was wrong, I must have sensed something. He didn't want to talk about it but i pushed him. I immediately asked if he was leaving me and he said "I think so and I think I'm in love with someone else." He said hadn't slept with her yet and I do believe that since hes told me everything else to hurt me, why not that (i'm sure many of you will disagree. Based on the e-mails I saw from her it sounds like all they had done was kissed at that point just 5 weeks ago.) They've worked together for a few years so I am sure there was an emotional relationship longer.

I kicked him out in the heat of the moment(which he has reminded me of) and went to a lawyer the next day (which he also says was me rushing to end it but was actually me just finding out my financial rights since he makes alot more money than I do.) After a few days he told me he was sure this is what he wants. that even if it doesn't work out with her he needs time to be alone and think. He basically listed every single thing ever wrong with me. He also never really dated before me so maybe he feels like he needs to see what else is out there.

Over the past couple years I had been going out with my friends more during the week and I was on the computer alot when he was watching tv. I always enjoyed going out more and he enjoyed being home. I asked him over and over again if he minded these things and he always said he didn't. I guess I knew I should be paying more attention to him or I wouldn't have asked but I really thought we were both okay with it and spent our weekends and lots of vacations together, and I'm not a mindreader since he was telling me he was fine with it. We've been on 4 vacations in the past 6 months. Now hes' saying he was only in love with me on vacation (the excitement factor, I guess.)

So now he's saying he "checked out" two years ago and was in denial until he met her. She works with him and is 10 years younger, totally opposite of me, They have been working together a few years but he said it started 2 months before, I found out, just kissing in the car at lunch and going out for a drink after work. They are both accountants so 1 month of those 2 months he was working 24/7. He is a parner and she is under him. I am afraid to tell anyone who works with since it could effect his career, hence his income, which could effect me especially if we do split up permanantly. Then 2 weeks of those 2 months we were on vacation. I have spoken to two people he works with but I don't think they will do anything. I e-mailed two other women partners that I know that I thought would sympathize but haven't heard anything back. I don't want to hurt his career too much because I am entitled to half the shares he owns and will be in good shape if he does end up divorcing me so I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face.

So that's where we are. I have talked to him some and get very upset and out of control every time I see him in person, so he told me it's better for me not to talk to him. My sister has asked him to not talk to me so I can move on. He's told me to move on and he doesn't want to give me false hope but he knows he has alot to think about and wants to live alone and not rush to her so he can spend time alone. he has mentioned a few times "if we ever got together again" but consistenly says he thinks he is sure. We have since also had discussions about what we could have done differently had I known and both agreed so I guess I am still hoping once he has some distance he will realize we should work together instead of apart. We didn't fight, we didn't have a bad marriage, I think we just took each other for granted alittle bit.which I don't think is uncommon after 13 years (and the fact that he didnt' communicate this even though I asked, which is a problem.) We are just communicating by e-mail now about house things and if I e-mail anything personal he doesn't reply. I do know he's been at his brothers without her 3 of the past 5 weekends so it doesn't seem like they are spending every second together.

He also is saying now that that first time he cheated must have been a sign and he feels we already tried once and it would be too much work to get me to trust him again. I don't feel like we tried once since at the time we didn't address that there were any problems other than I had to learn to trust him again. He has now signed a 1 year lease on an apartment and picking up furniture next week while I am away (any ideas what I could leave or due based on plan A!)

I am independant and have alot of friends. I have been going out every night to stay away from being in the house alone and I seem to do better when I am around people. I have alot of hobbies, although I don't seem to be as excited about them and have stopped working out, sleeping well or eating healthy, which I know is bad. I don't feel as emotional all the time like I did intially when it got heated and I am really trying to read and understand why he did this and have told him I want him back, calmly.

I would still notify the OW's husband about the affair. He probably has no idea why there are problems in his marriage. I'm sure she will claim that the affair has nothing to do with their problems - that is what they all say.

When you email him, be upbeat and cheerful and fill him in on family stuff. Don't talk relationship with him.

Also protect your finances while stalling any divorce action. If he is in the mood to agree to giving you more than half, get that in writing.

Sounds to me like the OW is looking for a guy with some money.

Agree with Believer! Keep it light and read as much as you can on this site about Plan A/B and how to survive infidelity. Your PLAN will be essential to your marital (or personal if you do divorce) recovery.

Also, I'm not so sure him showing up there to take stuff out of your house while you are away is the best idea. You may come home to an empty house! Better to make a list that you both agree to (via email or whatever, but IN WRITING) and then have a friend or family member present when he is there. Make sure he/she has the list of what he is supposed to take (I would actually agree to nothing more than a few personal items for now). Protect yourself...waywards are ALL extremely selfish, cold people and you need to realize that the man you have loved for years has been replaced-- at least temporarily. DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF INTO THINKING YOUR HUSBAND IS DIFFERENT THAN THE REST OF US WERE!! PROTECT YOURSELF!!

If you have a few minutes, read the Inside the Wayward Mind link under my sig...it will let you in on the script that almost all waywards follow. Might give you some insight on what to expect out of his mouth and help you realize that what he says means absolutely nothing right now. I wish you the best of luck! It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself. Continue to do so and read, read, read, and come up with a solid PLAN. That will help you more than anything else at this point...

I don't know how to contact him other than to send him a letter to the house they lived in and she owns the house and he moved out. I have heard from a trusted source that they have been having problems long before this and that he is a loser. I do think my husband is appealing since she hadn't had a bad marriage but it seems sure that she didn't break up her marriage to be with my husband.

In NJ the law is that I get half of everything, no fault. So theres nothing he can do to prevent that. I do agree I need to see if maybe I can get half the savings now. I am going to talk to him about that. He has given me all of our financial statements so I have proof if he changes anything.

We actually are on very agreeable terms. He has been to the house while I am gone, even stayed here. He gave me a list of what he is taking and I trust that. Neither of us want this to be a fight and I do trust that. I know at some point he probably will lose patience and pressure me to put the house up for sale so I am looking at condos in the meantime but I do feel comfortable with him taking just what he said he's taking.

I strongly suggest you don't allow him into the house when you aren't there. This may be the law, but it's not reality. I can't tell you how much my WstbxH stole from me while moving out. He conveniently scheduled all trips to the house when I had to take my mom to various doctors (she was undergoing bipass surgery at the time and lives in a small town so she had to be driven to various places to find a surgeon etc.). I couldn't legally change the locks until the closing date of the house (and he could legally have a locksmith break in if I did anyway). He made the move in about a dozen trips, despite agreeing to take nothing but his clothes, 2 coffee tables, a TV with accessories and a microwave - and he has a pickup truck! This is the same guy who preached to everyone what a saint he was for leaving me financially secure .

Please don't trust your WH and don't believe a word he says. There may be a 50-50 law, but it really only applies to major items (house, car, savings etc.). How DO you actually determine the value of the contents? Is this vase equal to that picture frame? Even if you sold everything at auction, you will never get back what he took from your house that day you weren't there and unless you have proof of jointly owning every last little item in the house, they will be his. You don't need to add this insult to your injury.

The wayward mind link is incredible. It's so true but it's still so hard to believe. He is so convincing that he is so sure. I did just do a good plan A though. I asked him to call me and had a businesslike conversation about expensese and my selling the house to buy a condo. He also told me to have fun when I go away this week and I said I have been having fun actually, not that that makes it easy. I was very rational and I hope it scared him that I may be moving on. He did say my e-mails saying that I want to make it work are definitely being weighed in his mind even though he thinks it better we not talk. But I do feel like she can be swaying him more than I can right now if we're not talking.

Everyone keeps saying I should move on. I'm really very independant and trying to keep busy and even will go look at condos but I want to beleive what you are saying is true. I'm just so afraid that if I still have hope I'll just crash harder later and delay the inevitable.

Secure whatever you can of your finances. Don't trust him. They all start out guilty and trying to be overly fair, but that changes. Protect yourself - you are negotiating with the Devil.

I KNOW this to be TRUE. PROTECT YOURSELF....

All your friends and everyone just don't want to see you in pain. But it's not their life, and so you get to choose what you need to do to take care of yourself.

There is NO EASY way to say this, but this journey is not for the FAINT HEARTED. It is HARD. There are NO guarantees on the outcome. Sadly, you can try and try and do everything in your control and power and you still don't get what you want.

How I came to grips with walking through my journey is knowing that I can only do what I can do. But the outcome was in G-ds hands. I am not very good with giving exact scripture, but I believe G-d has a plan for us, a plan to prosper us. It won't look like we imagined, but it will be beyond our wildest dreams.

Only you can decided what you want to do, and when enough is enough. You have the support system here to help you move forward each and everyday. You are NOT alone, because WE understand.

It so hard to believe all this stuff about them being in a fog and that everything they are saying isn't real but it makes sense. Either way it's definitely going to be difficult. I am getting my book tomorrow and going to a yoga retreat and will read it so that should give me some time to get my head together.

injeanous,

HOLY COW BATMAN.....

Do we have the same WS or what????

Seriously, EVERYTHING he said to you in your opening post was my WS at the beginning of my sitch. WORD FOR WORD......oh, but then I found out the A was physical, that he moved out not "because it was the right thing to do" but so he could continue his A in peace, and then all this went on for months. Know where we are now????

In RECOVERYVILLE......


So, what do YOU want to happen??? I am not totally clear on this. You keep saying you have trust issue's due to parents D and that you are independant, so does that mean you WANT this D or has WS "convinced" you this would be best???

I mean, after all, you COULD "get back together" in the future.

Anyway, DO NOT LET him take anything. This is the mess he created, let him stew in it.

And in the meantime, read your book and let us know what YOU want.....


Hang in there...this crap sucks....

not2fun

DO NOT LISTEN TO IT....the FOG is real....very real....

honestly, my WS would say some things that would just have me on my knees in pain. I would think that I messed it up, it was over there was NO WAY he would get over what-ever it was, and the good people here would tell me how they all heard the same things and reacted the same way and their M were recovered.

Oh, that made me feel better, but I still had my doubts. Now that the A is over and H is home and committed to Me and our M, I believe.......


not2fun

It is so har to believe this could really work but I want it to work. At this point I do think I really want him back. Sometimes I think I may be better off moving on. We really had a good marriage. If I thought we were having problems we couldn't fix I wouldn't want to try but I simply think we just took each other for granted a bit and someone else made something else seem more appealing. He is usually a rational sane stable person. This is so out of character of him that I have to believe it's temporary and he will wake up. I guess I just really feel like he may have made up his mind. I think he probably thinks it's easier to move on than to try and worry I won't trust him again. I think hes taking the easy way out and it's hard to sway him right now when he thinks life is perfect with her. he's not even talking to me at this point, says he needs space.

So your A moved out? For how long? He got a year apt lease which really worries me it's permanant.

No he hasn't convinced me this would be best at all. I do think it's harder for me to believe in happily ever after because of my parents but thats even more reason why I would do anything in my power not to be divorced. I want him to want to come back. I guess part of me thinks I don't deserve this and should move on but at this point I want him to want me again. Where did my husband go? He is not being the person I always thought he was.

What are the odds on how often they don't come back? It sounds like everyone is saying they will.