I did call OM as he stepped out of his truck and asked him to look down at his shirt to tell me if he say the red dot or not.



I'm still watching by the river bank to see if he floats by.

They pretty much get off scott free or in better shape than before.

I know more about him than my wife does. I think it freaked him out. He's lives 2500 miles away, but I will never - ever - forget his face. Chances are, I will never see him. But god help him if I ever did.

My W claims they didn't have intercourse - one reason being because OM was possibly afraid of what I might do if I found out. Not like I'm a big scary maniac or anything!

She offered,more than once, but says OM said "no". And the craziest thing of all, I have seen their emails that indicate what she says (no intercourse) may actually be true.

Still hurts anyway, though, that she would even offer. Dr. Harley says this kind of A is easier to recover from, but I'm still sick to my stomach with the lies, the kissing and foreplay (or whatever you want to call it), the deceit. Now 6 months out from D-day. Never, ever heard a lie come out of her mouth (that I know of) until the A began (July 2007). She even lied to the MC.

What does everyone think about this situation?

Steve, your wife is a liar.

Pariah, you may be right - I guess I'll never really know. But as I said, the email evidence - emails which WW and OM thought were deleted, but I retrieved them, I'm an IT guy - indicate otherwise. I have given her multiple non-threatening opportunities to give the truth, but she continues to insist they didn't "do it". Even though I was out of state on a family death/estate matter for a time when the A was in full swing.

What can I do about it now? I guess I could ask her to take a polygraph test. She did refuse to get tested for STD's right after D-day, but said that's because she "didn't do anything that would cause her to get an STD", plus the fog babble was pretty thick back then.

PS - I did get tested for STD's at that time and the results came back clear.

Exactly.

Polygraph her. she will refuse or fail.

Insist on truth or send her packing. She continues to abuse you.

I have insisted on the truth - she says she is being "Radically Honest" and wants to follow MB principles from here on out. A appears to be finished and NC appears to be effectively in place since 1/2/08 - I have enough access to be pretty sure about that. She's much more accountable for her time, attitude has changed drastically, appears remorseful, etc., etc.

She will be scheduling first appointment with the Harleys today.

I'm definitely not disagreeing with the both of you, but why are you so quick to discount email evidence that I'm sure they totally believed I would never see? Just curious and I do sincerely appreciate your input.

Agree with MEDC and insist on a polygraph. Years ago when she briefly talked about a reconciliation that was one of my absolute conditions. All talk of a R stopped there. Since then I have independently found out about a previous marriage, a couple of abortions, another A I was unaware of with one of her professors that ended after she miscarried and had pretended that at long last I was going to be a father.

Now I am glad she didn't take the test, I quite honestly don't know how I would have taken all that cr*p at one time.

I am assuming that your wife knows the capability of an IT professional to access computer information that is hidden to most.
WS are devious.

Now, if you are assured that nothing else is going on...YOU can make the call as to how important it is to know details.

"She offered,more than once, but says OM said "no". And the craziest thing of all, I have seen their emails that indicate what she says (no intercourse) may actually be true."


Why would he go to all the trouble to be with a married woman, then say "no"? I think, even if they didn't have intercourse, WW is still hiding something else from you...OM saying "no" does not make sense. If you feel you need to find out more, you need to do something in order to find out. If you can live with not knowing, more power to you. Your choice.

I would say she knows that now...


I will ask the Harley's about this issue - I'm pretty sure I'll have an opportunity to ask. We have made some recovery progress, I think. I don't want to blow it up - YET!

You ain't seen nuclear until you've caught a wayward in a lie.

Your best friend will be a digital voice recorder in the car.

ABSOLUTELY do not let her know it's there.

intro,

Since you didn't respond I am reposting this in case you missed it.




S&C

Sorry S&C, I must have missed this post for some reason.


"NC Letter, Plan A, help her through withdrawal. If there is contact; exposure; and continue Plan A, after Plan A, if there's still contact, then Plan B (you want her to miss you when you are gone, Plan B is no good if she isn't going to miss you). If she doesn't come back then go ahead and start D proceedings. I would actually have Jennifer help you with the plan though so you get it right."


NC letter was mailed and WW's phone number changed...WW still phones him after NC was made, then sleeps "on his couch", and she wasted $30 on changing her phone #...how stupid is that. So, the original plan, that I was on for 2 months, until I was made aware that NC was broken, was pretty much spit on by WW. So, here we are...I'm on plan A again, and it is the last time. I have spoken with Jennifer about getting a new plan together and I'm still working on the final details before the next phone session. If it makes any difference to you...Jennifer spoke to WW before she spoke to me and she said to me "if your W doesn't follow HER PLAN to a tee, your best bet for your own self is to probably get out and start over". I am going to work on the plan...but WW has spit on me one to many times...if she wavers from her plan, we are done.

As far as plan B goes, W and I has a RO on us for a couple weeks, and now that it is lifted she is actually looking at me, and treating me as if I am #1, and seems like she loves me again (hasn't done that in months). I will take the look in her eyes to possibly mean that the distance opened her eyes to what life would be without me...but time will tell if that look is just my wishful thinking or not.

I am 100% dedicated to recovery, but I have my limits and boundaries, period. I understand the concepts of MB's, but I also am NOT going to hug my wife and comfort her after she decides to head over to OM's house and "sleep on his couch", because she is "addicted" to him...I think that is a load of
#%%#^.

I love my wife, and hope she is over this "fog", and if OM tries to break NC (and she tells me right away), I will understand...if she breaks NC...she should just move in with him and get it over with.

This RO that we have had on us (although hard) has kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HER IF SHE LEAVES ME FOR OM. She had the affair, and although I will do my part to recover the M to the best of my ability, SHE COMMITTED ADULTERY......it's time for her to fix what she did.

I will be there for her as far as her EN's go, I will control my anger when faced with "triggers" and such, but I draw the line on contact with OM...plain and simple.

intro:

You've been here less than 3 weeks, and your d-day was just a 2ple or 3 months ago, right?

You may have more intestinal 4ti2de than you seem 2 be giving yourself credit for. You also may just love your WW more than you may want 2 admit 2 yourself.

Your W has a lot 2 do 2 regain your trust. While she's doing her rebuilding, take a look inward a bit and see if there are things you do, habits you've developed, that might be interfering with your closeness with your W.

We all have things we can improve, and this time is perfect for reflecting on them...

-ol' 2long.

.....in the mean time, our copy of SAA just showed up...time to read.

It was funny though...I opened the mailbox and saw a package (knew it was the book). But under it there was an envelope addressed to me and my W with some chicken scratch writing, and no return address. The first thing I thought was "that mother@%$@er is writing a letter to ME AND MY W??!!!" I opened it up and saw that it was actually from our church lol. Go figure.

Intro,


Plan A is not used to stop the Affair. So why did you quit doing Plan A? Your first Plan A; what changes did you have make to make yourself more desirable than the OM? Did it include meeting her EN’s? Did you know what her EN’s were? Many A’s start because EN’s are not met by the BS and are met by the OP. (Not an excuse, just a fact).

How long before the RO, had you been working on your Plan A? What did you physically do when you found out about NC? I’m asking these more to get an understanding of the situation. I’m not questioning whether or not you did it. You have not talked about any form of exposure that I know of.



So you don’t have your plan completed. Sorry if that sounds cold, it’s not meant to be.



She is right! “Your best bet for your own self" would be to get out and start over. Is that what you want or do you want your M to be restored? I’m certain Jennifer has much more info than what you’ve posted here, and based on that info, is why she probably said what she did. She may feel that you may not be able to be 100% committed to recovery.


OK. But you really mean you are done? She may not be even though she still struggles.


With all due respect, this is not a “Plan B”. Plan B is used by the BS to protect what love remains for the WS. It is a choice of the BS, after an effective Plan A is done, in order for the WS to experience what life will be like after the BS is no longer in the WS’s life.

That may very well be so. And you’re right. Time and consistency will tell.


Are you speaking in the past tense or of a possible future action of hers? If you’re referring to her past action; then I would suggest that you are not 100% dedicated to recovery. You cannot change that past action, and therefore if you are basing your future action on a past action of hers, then you have already made your choice. If you are not ready to hug and comfort your wife now because of that action, you might as well go for the D now.



She probably isn’t out of the fog yet. She hasn’t had time to go through withdrawal, so it’s unlikely. Does your plan or her plan have extraordinary measures in place to keep her accountable regarding contact?


Good, that is essential for your recovery.

How does your plan help her get out of the fog, away from the source of her addiction, and through withdrawal? Or will she be left to her own devices to escape the addiction of her A? Think what you will about the “addiction #%%#^” but it is something that she will be facing. Will you be there to help her out? Is it the two of you together or her alone to do the battle?


She did have the A. She did commit adultery. She will never fix it though. She can only take measures (with your help) to protect her weaknesses in the future.


OK. But will you help her through her withdrawal and protecting her weaknesses? Or is she on her own?

I know I may seem a bit hard on you right now. Recovery is hard and it takes both people. And unfortunately the BS at first tends to do the harder work at first.

The thing is, I haven’t seen anywhere where you talked about what circumstances might have brought her to the point that an A was the best solution for her. And if those issues are never addressed, then the environment that existed that helped fuel the A still exists. And that needs to be addressed as per Dr. Harley.

S&C

intro,


Good!

You have every right to be angry intro. And you should be angry. You should also use the anger to you benefit in the fight for your M. I'm just hoping that your anger doesn't get in the way of your recovery and the restoration of your M.

Blessings.

S&C