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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
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Joined: Jun 2008
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My husband had an affair with our next door neighbor that lasted
for 6 months prior to discovery and 4 months after discovery
behind my back. The affair ended 4 weeks ago and my husband
is still living in a local motel where he has been since I
asked him to leave our home 6 weeks ago. We are committed to
moving forward to rebuild our marriage. We are seeing a
therapist together and separately. My husband is afraid to
come home because his lover is still living next door.
My husband states he is getting stronger but I know he is still
going through the withdrawl. She and her husband's divorce is near final and their house has been for sale for over three months. With the housing market like it is it could be months before it sells and we are not sure which one of them will remain in the house after the divorce is final. We are both hoping the exhusband!! I am concerned that the longer my husband and I are apart the more difficult it will be to begin the rebuilding process. Both my 12 year old son and I are getting frustrated with the situation and feel like a rent-a-family when we meet my husband outside of our home for time together. Any insight would be most appreciated!
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
Has he written a "no contact" letter to the OW? Does everyone know about the affair, including OW's ex? He needs to come home so you can truly start rebuilding, but only if he's willing to be accountable and transparent (i.e., give you all passwords to email accounts, cell phone records, etc.).
There are ways to avoid the neighbor if you really want to. Heck, I live in a townhome and I rarely see either of my neighbors on either side and I don't even try.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My husband is afraid to
come home because his lover is still living next door. That is because he understands he will be triggered if he comes home while she is next door. AND HE IS RIGHT. The affair will be right back on in no time. If it were me, I would find a temporary home for all of you until the neighbors are gone. That is what BigK did. He and his 3 highshool age boys and WW moved away until the OM's house was sold and they moved. Their marriage is fully recovered today, and it was worth the price they paid. Does the OWH know all about the affair? Has a NC letter been sent to the HO?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 2
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Posts: 2 |
The entire neighborhood knows about the affair. OWH filed for
divorce within two weeks. OW has been humiliated by my WH
and from what I understand wants NOTHING to do with my WH
again. This news came from a reliable neighbor in our court.
No NC letter has been written. WH half way through reading
Surviving An Affair. Couples counseling for us starts this
Friday. Impossible for us to move as I am self employed and
my business office is located in our home also have my
parents on same street father with Alzheimer and need to be available quickly to help mother. Do you feel under
the circumstances with OW that NC letter still needs to be
written?
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Saram, if that is the case, I would suggest he NOT come home until she is gone. You have a much greater chance of recovery avoiding contact and living apart, than living together and having him triggered EVERY DAY. The very most important FIRST STEP in recovery is absolute no contact and I would do whatever it takes - I mean WHATEVER - to avoid contact. Because there will be no recovery until that happens.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
OW has been humiliated by my WH
and from what I understand wants NOTHING to do with my WH
again. Believe me, that sentiment could change in the next 15 minutes. A wayward mind changes from minute to minute. She might be angry at your H at 10:00, but that is all soon forgotten by 1:00.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
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Do you feel under
the circumstances with OW that NC letter still needs to be
written? Yes! Saram, if that is the case, I would suggest he NOT come home until she is gone. You have a much greater chance of recovery avoiding contact and living apart, than living together and having him triggered EVERY DAY. The very most important FIRST STEP in recovery is absolute no contact and I would do whatever it takes - I mean WHATEVER - to avoid contact. Because there will be no recovery until that happens. Ditto what Mel said!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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If it were me, I would find a temporary home for all of you until the neighbors are gone. That is what BigK did. He and his 3 highshool age boys and WW moved away until the OM's house was sold and they moved. Their marriage is fully recovered today, and it was worth the price they paid. Mel is right - that is EXACTLY what we did. Cost us thousands of Dollars. NC IS that important - there is no substitute and no workaround. Dr Harley says that you should even move interstate if it is necessary to avoid contact. Your Marriage CANNOT recover with the OW living next door. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it can't recover if either of them stay next door and it would be better for your marriage if you both moved away. I have direct personal experience in this. Please listen.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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