Just a question...

I went out with a guy, we had a really nice time. But, as we were chatting, he mentioned that he was not looking for a serious relationship. This was after he pursued ME, and I decided to go out with him. I am attracted to him, physically, and I like HIM.

I am not looking for M anywhere in the near future, but I would not rule out a serious R either... so should I go out with him again...he asked me to, I said sure, or should I just call it a wash?

So this is my question... when saying, "I am not looking for a serious R", should someone like me, who would like an exclusive R with someone, not necessarily M anytime soon, just leave it at that, and stop seeing the other person? Is he just playing me, or is he just not wanting a serious R?

In a nutshell, when someone says that they are not looking for a serious R, should I just step away from them, or should I still see them, because we have fun, and play it by ear?

He is calling and texting me everyday, so I do not know what to make of it.

Thanks!

My advice, take it or leave is...
stand back and let him pursue, it makes you more attractive to him, its something guys like.
Then if he's just a player and not really looking for anything but a good time, he'll go away.

Sadmo,

If he is not looking 4 a serious R, just remember your boundaries and do not let this person cross them to the point that YOU end up getting hurt.

For me, if I tell someone I am not lookiing for a serious R, I am still on the mend from my previous R, but I would like to enjoy female company as I start to date again.

Nevertheless, I cannot even date, much less heal, given my D is not yet final!

The only date I will have is with a divorce support group at this point!

Thanks...
I do not intend to get hurt, but he has been pursuing me, and it is boosting my self esteem, especially since I am attracted to him! We do talk a lot, and I enjoy his company. He is respectful, as of now, and I do appreciate that.
I do like him, but I do not want to be 'chasing' after him at all...especially since he said he is not looking for a serious R.

I will go out with him again, and see how it progresses from there!

A couple of possibilities pop into mind.

The worst possibility is he could be married--unless you know otherwise.

Another possibility is he still wants to date other people for a while, play the field and he doesn't want pressure.

He could also just be nervous. I don't really remember the R word coming up on first dates.

The last possibility that comes to mind is he's a Romeo, and his statement is fair warning that he'll break your heart. Romeos are like the male version of mermaids. They chase you, they make you think your special, until the thrill of the chase is gone. Then, they move on. Mermaids do the same only they don't "chase" they lure.

I think what really has me worried was he tells you "I don't want a serious relationship, then he pursues you aggressively, in a way that would lead you to believe you were the One for him. That triggers all kinds of red flags for me since I personally fell for this kind of ploy more than once when I was young.

If you suspect he's really a Romeo type, you can try an experiment. Delay replying to his texts and calls, and see if the frequency or urgency of the messages increases. The, if you're up to it, start initiating contact with him, and see if he backs off. Any man with mature intentions that texts a woman every day will be pleased if she initiates contact.

He may also just be worried that he's been coming on too strong and made that statement hoping to relieve any pressure (real or imaginary) that he was putting on you. People say dumb things all the time. I like GGs experiment.

Women are from Venus.

You like this guy but are willing to throw him to the weeds just because he said one sentence that confused you. Instead of throwing him to the weeds, why not simply ask him what he meant when he said that.

If he is looking for a friend right now, maybe he would be a good friend... If he just got out of a long relationship, maybe he is not ready to hop into another one right away. There are a few scenarios where the guy would be justified saying this albeit it is kinda weird to say it on the first meeting.

Here's a novel idea...

ASK HIM!

Seriously, just ask him and clarify your own position. Get your respective decisions out into the open.

You: "I'm not looking to get married, but I do prefer to date on an exclusive basis. I'm not interested in playing the field, and I really don't want to be one woman out of many in a man's life. If that doesn't gel with where you're at right now, then we're probably not a good match."

And I'll provide an alternative viewpoint; ratchet your expectations down to zero and just have fun with him. If grows to really like you, other arrangements may be possible.

Here's my philosophy in a nutshell. I'm ultimately looking for a LTR and possibly marriage. I realize that not everyone I date will be a candidate for that. I don have the expectation that everyone that I date will be a candidate for my goals.

Make yourself irresistible to him and see what happens.

Dutch - I think our perspectives can be complementary. It's okay to have personal boundaries w/re to what kind of behavior your willing to tolerate from the other person, and not have any expectations of an outcome.

I think it depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for a "serious relationship", then you would act one way. If you are not, then you'd act a different way. So, what are you looking for?

I used to "look" for relationships, until wiftty beat me into recognizing that it's much better to not look for them, but to let them find me. When I met J 14 months ago, we both were not looking for relationships, we both were happy on our own, and but we both were open to the idea of a relationship if one came up and bit us. For the first few months, we dated casually, meeting other people along the way, until we finally decided that we did want to start an exclusive relationship. I guess by now it has grown to be "serious" .

Bottom line is, figure out what you want, and don't be afraid to ask him what he wants. Saying "I am not looking for a serious R" is a copout - the question is not what he is NOT looking for, but what he IS looking for.

AGG

I'm with Seabird.

To me experiments = games

I'm sure you don't want anybody playing games with you, so don't do it yourself. I'd say tell him something similar to what Seabird said if that's the way you feel. He's fairly agrresively pursuing so I think that talk is appropriate even though it's early in the R.

I also understand your feelings. I'm in the same place. I'm not looking for my next W, I want to move very slow, but I also prefer to date exclusively. I guess it's sorta of a fine line, but I've decided not to even explore it until after I enjoy my summer of Golf and DS4.

Good Luck

I don't think "experiments" as I laid it out counts as games.

It's not an attempt to manipulate this man's affections. I'm not suggesting she play hard to get in order to enhance his thrill of chase. I'm suggesting a very short-lived period of observing his response to certain behaviors to determine if he's a Romeo type.

The problem with asking what he means is that if he's a player, or Romeo type, he'll be truthful but dishonest. In other words, he's likely to say "I'm just no ready for anything serious." Hmm. He's saying he doesn't want a serious relationship, but that word "ready" leads women to believe that if she's the right one he'll be ready, and after all, he's been text messaging every day, so signs are she's the right one.

My suspicions are already high because he said on the first date he didn't want anything serious, then comes on super strong afterwards. Now, that's game playing.

He can't take anything from her that she doesn't willingly give. That's how I understand boundaries.

WOW! Thanks everyone for the feedback! I like a lot of what everyone said... I just got kind of thrown off by his whole point in telling me that, so SOON. I just did not want to have a big R talk about it, again, so SOON... and since I am newer to the dating scene, I wanted some advice.

I KNOW how men LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! to talk about R's, and I do not want to even want to talk about anything like that at this point. I told him that I was not looking to JUMP into a serious R, and he said that he knows what I mean. I guess I should have elaborated a bit more THEN... but, I did not.

We seem to get along well, I enjoy talking and texting him, and I do enjoy his company. I will just see where it goes!

Thanks again everyone! :-)

Sadmo, Did he say he didn't want a serious relationship? Or that he didn't want to jump into a serious relationship? THese are two entirely different things. "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" falls somewhere in between the two.

If he doesn't want to jump in, he's probably open to one, just wants to take it slow.

When I was dating after my divorce, I was clear to be honest and tell the women I saw that I may consider seeing other people, and not to consider this to be an exclusive relationship unless I said otherwise.

Some couldn't deal with that and ended it right there. Others understood.

I wasn't trying to sleep with all of these folks, as it clouds the issue.

But dating is just that, dating, and it's best if you date many people before developing a deeper relationship with one of them.

Maybe he's just, gasp, being honest!

I agree Enlightened

"I wasn't trying to sleep with all of these folks, as it clouds the issue."
WOW!!

That's the first time I've heard that much sense come out of a man's mouth that wasn't a counselor!!

I agree one hundred percent!!

Dating is about going out and having fun with each other and learning what each other is like and all about!! Then if they are truly a good prospect, settling down into a more serious type of relationship.

I agree that initially, dating should be kept "light" and not serious. I disagree that dating many, many people is the only proper method to start with though. I suppose some people are better multi-taskers and that sort of tactic works well for them, but if I like a woman well enough to ask her out, I'd rather focus on her exclusively. Not in a serious, committed relationship kind of way. I just find that trying to keep several women on the hook at the same time distracting and difficult. I don't believe in making comparisons between potential matches, because I think people should be regarded independently and on their own individual merits.

I agree. I date only one at a time also. My theory is after ~ 4 dates I should see whether you have any type of potential. If not, I move on as this is best for both of us.

After 13 years of marriage, I don't need to date many to know what I want. If I don't know exactly what makes me tick now, then I never will. I have a short list of must haves which I will not compromise on.

I agreed in theory wiht dating many people. However, as a home owner, divorce mother of two with a job and a dog, how in the world could I date more than one person at a time? Sometimes it was hard just to make time for that one person.

I hear you loud and clear GG, only instead of a dog I have 3 cats and a horse! Regardless of that, I really can't imagine dating more than one person at a time under any circumstances. Even complete failures - as in one date only and it's obviously not going to work. I need to get through the date, go home and realize I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with that guy, hope he doesn't stalk me, shake it off and then move on. So I guess if you have a series of these in a row it would be like dating several people - but in my world the timeline would be very long since I'm way too busy to meet new people that quickly.

I have also been in that boat, with my kids, work, pets, friends, family... I have limited time to date.
I generally know within a few dates if it is working for me or not. I am not wanting to waste peoples time, or mine. But, I will admit, I DID date two different men at one time, did not sleep with them, but I found it a little odd... I compared them too much. Neither was right for me, and so I moved on... But, like I said, my time is limited too, and I do not want to waste my time with someone that did not want to see where things went too.

He said, "I am not looking for a serious R". Well. I found out he was looking for a 'sex partner'. Not his words, mine. He had sent me a text that turned me off: "What are your off days next week so that we can get together and finish what we started?"

I was like "WHAT!!!" We had kissed SOME the last time we were together, and that was it. It is not like we even came CLOSE to completing the deed.

So I replied , "While I may not be looking for a serious R, I am not just looking for a sex partner either... if this is what you are looking for, then I will have to pass. I do not like to plan sex, I like it to just happen."

He replied, "I understand. I hope that I did not offend you. I am sure that we will run into each other from time to time. K.I.T."

I was like, what the heck does K.I.T. stand for? LOL... it was keep in touch. Yeah. Ok.

So that was that. It did not take long to figure out what he wanted. And so the quest continues...

Well done. You stated your boundaries and got a surprisingly honest response.

Yuck. That was just gross. If he's that abrupt on a text message, just imagine what foreplay would be like. Okay,maybe we shouldn't imagine that.

No, what was gross to me was that he just ASSUMED that all I wanted was S E X..... and I felt like responding... "sure how much are you going to pay me?"

But, once I laughed, I decided that that probably was NOT the best way to answer... I SHUDDER to think what he may have said... LOL!

What do you want?

I would never say anything like that to a woman, other than jokingly. However, I can understand the predicament us men are put into. SF drives us alot and we do ALOT of stupid things because of it (ie- porn, strip clubs, etc)

Anyhow, what did you learn from the experience and how can you better choose a man who is more in line with your desires?

Please also keep in mind that not all men are this way, it is really frustrating to see women generalize across the spectrum, the behavior of one idiot guy in their life...

I meant the whole thing was gross. That he would make the assumption that you were willing to "finish what you started," that he was so crass in his approach, and that he texted it. Oh, and that he'd be willing to, too. I know men often have a strong libido, but so do I. However, after 25, the smart men I know have learned that sleeping with women on the first or second date is a very bad idea. The ones that don't expect more are risky because they are promiscuous, and the non-promiscuous ones have stalker potential since they assume they are in a very serious relationship.

lol

GF-
I want to have a R that would sloooowly progress... and if he were joking, my text back to him would have elicited a response of something along the lines of that he was joking!

It was kind of comically off-putting.... lol!

You know, as I have dated around, it is kind of surprising to me HOW a lot of men try to seal the deal... what happened to letting things happen? And it turns me off. I had went out with this one man about 4 times, the last time I went to his house, and he made me dinner. I was kind of on the fence with him, he seemed a little self absorbed. But not always. So after dinner we were sitting around talking, and he was talking about what he was going to do in the future (buying his parents farm, how he was going to live out his life) and I asked him if he was M'd to someone who did not want all of his goals, would he change any of them, and he looked at me and said no, these were his plans. Which is fine, but I just realized that he was not for me.

So, after chatting a bit more, I decided that I should go, I thanked him, and he proceeded to try to make-out with me. But not like any kind of gradual way...like he was trying to wow me with his passion. I told him I really had to go and got up. He then said, "do you really have to? Next time you come over, you will have to leave more time for play" I was like grossssss. I HATE when people refer to SF as play... I did not respond, just went to the door. He then said, "Don't go yet, I can be quick!"

Like a woman wants to know that! LOL! I told him that.

I just do not want to have someone just for the sake of having someone, when they are not the one for me! And I think, in retrospect, that I have done that, and I think a lot of people in general do that. I do not want to settle. Sure, SF would be nice to have on a regular basis, but, I will not die!
LOL!

Well, I went out with a man that I met on e-harmony on Sat. And we had a really nice time. He was a true gentleman, had great conversation, and we laughed a lot.

He took me out to dinner, and then a few drinks, then we just talked for HOURS. It was nice. He is a lot like me in a lot of ways, humor wise, intelligence wise. So we will see. We are supposed to go out again. We have talked since the date, and all seems well.

What was weird is that I was actually NERVOUS to meet him, even though we had been talking and texting for a while. So it was a good sign for me... a lot of times when I have gone out, it is not that big of a deal.

So we will see. :-)