I am praying about what I need to do.

I just don't want to think about it to be honest.

It will be what it will be.

There is nothing I can do that I haven't already done.

I'm scared I'll cave under the pressure of losing completely.

I'm afraid that she and he will walk out of their laughing and smug that they won everything and are in love and happy.

While I am alone and left.

I have worked so hard to build this wall of protection around myself and to face him, I simply didn't think I needed to do that. My A said it was not necessary.

What could be worse than what I have survived? Is collapsing because all those desparate, anniliated feelings will come back and I will absolutely fall apart.

From my experience, you have been through the worst. You have gained so much strength.

Do what you need go do but, someday, you will have to face him. This would be an opportunity to do so with an advocate (your attorney). You could simply turn and refuse to look at him or speak to him.

Someday yes, I might have to face him. But I'm not strong enough. I'm just getting him out of my soul, out of my head, I'm at peace with what happens because I trust G-d to take care of me.

To face him would bring up all those feelings.

Not yet, please not yet. I'm not strong, to have him so close, and not talk to him and have him walk away arm and arm with her would just destroy me. Honestly, the money doesn't seem that important. I'd sell my car or my body - not really. I

If we ever end up divorced I really don't ever see a reason where I would need to face him again. Our children are grown. I am building a life away from him. My Plan B was forever or at least until I no longer loved him.

If I lose bad, then I will go after him more readily in terms of a legal battle and then I will face him, but that will give me more time and growth and strength.

I'm sorry to let you down Cinder, if you could see me right now, I am shaking, barely breathing and fall apart just thinking I might have to.

Besides, WH would expect me to be there because he believes that I am not able to get over him.

Not being there is a success of saying, you are on your own dude, you made this mess, now work it out between my A and you.

I'm so sorry Cinder. I'm so sorry.

Queenie,

I think it's perfectly OK for you not to be there if your A says it's not necessary. (no disrespect, Cinders). I only went when my A said it was necessary.

I think you are right in your view that it sends the message that this is HIS mess to deal with. YOU are the Confident Goddess who need not bother yourself with such petty matters as a silly POWS!!

Come on - Mimi's not here, so I'll remind you again, CHIN UP & CHEST OUT!!

I don't mean to seem to disagree with everyone, but I would disagree with your assessment that you are not strong enough to face WH. You are MORE than strong enough - - it's just that you don't believe it,,,,,,,,,,,,YET. You will.

The time will come, and you will know that the time is right. You will do it in FULL Goddess Mode and come out the other side wondering "Why didn't I do this sooner? It wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined". When this will be is is for YOU to decide, no one else.

It may be final day in court, it may not. Just know that you have it in you to handle it when the day arrives.

{{{Queenie}}

What time's court?

LOL..I'm ALWAYS there with you...in your heart....

But..DON'T GO..IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO...

PLAN B..PLAN B...NO MATTER WHAT...

Oh, I see..Cinders is getting us confused again...calling you Mimi...

It's 'cause we're both so COOL...

OOPS! Yeah, I made a boo-boo and I fixed it. Thanks, Mimi!

Queenie.....that's cool. I won't say anything else but I really respect you and you have grown so much since the first of the year. You are terrific. Go get a pedicure instead! Or, give yourself one and save the money. Pretty toenails are a good thing.

A few hours away, some prayer time with G-d, a brand new AA meeting in Seattle with other Jews and I am doing ok.

I stopped at the hospital on my way to the meeting and visited my friend. As it turns out there were just men in the room and I started to cry. They were talking about how I needed to stand up for myself and stick it to WH. They think taht by me not showing up is giving the wrong message.

I really listened to what you said Cinder, and these guys convinced me I am strong enough to face him or at least be in court. I really put this in G-ds hands, glad I had a drive to think through. So much going through my head and yet there was this unbelievable calm inside of me.

I'm fighting for my M, I'm fighting for my survival and it happens to be on the other end of what my WH is fighting for.

And then I remembered the time I walked onto that lacrosse field and showed both of them I was confident, strong and the WIFE. So, I called up a friend to take me. I picked out a black dress to wear and am ready to go.

But this isn't just about me, but what's best while I am in Plan B. So, now, knowing that I can make it through court tomorrow, what is best for Plan B and the fact that my financial security is on this.

Prayers going up for you Queenie.

Thank Believer, I really need those tonight.

Having faced my fear and am ready to go to court if it's best, what do you think, or continue staying DARK?

And let my A deal with taking care of me.

The other choice is to be available at the courthouse if my A needs me. But otherwise stay dark?

Personally, I wouldn't go, and especially not if your attorney says there is no need. I was READY to divorce and I still broke down in the attorney's office. Just the whole end of a dream thing..........

((((Queenie))))

Just wanted to let you know that I've been keeping an eye here, and praying.

Sending up prayers for you today.

Queenie,

Just wanted to let you know I'll be praying for you today.

Mark

Thanks Mark and Jamesus,

I miss you guys alot. I miss your wisdom and words. Mark, how was your day with your grandaughter and the fishing?

So, being in Plan B, what do you think? Go or not go?

There should be no question about this, Queenie.

Since your attorney says you don't have to go, there is no need to go.

What's most important is that you remain in PLAN B.

Allright, that's what I wanted to hear.

Can you help me understand your reasoning so I keep it in Plan B perspective and not because I am trying to manipulate the situation to win him back.

Do not go. You've done a wonderful Plan B so far, don't break it for a routine court hearing. I say routine because if it weren't, your presence would be required by the Court.

(((Queenie)))

Look, I didn't go to court when WW's atty contested the our petition for a custody eval.

It's was truly a little thing.. a motion hearing.. it's stuff for lawyers and a judge to jaw about, and my input wasn't needed.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.. in my case at least.

Add to that the fact that I probably would have been triggered on some level for weeks afterwards apart from having the fleeting 'gee.. wonder why she'd contest that?' round that lasted for maybe a day or three.

It was healther for me.

AND... I'm not taking any part in advancing/furthering a D.. it's not what I wanted, and not what I want.. even though I'm starting to come to the realization that it may be for the best.. in my case. You're the only one who can decide that for yourself... and I don't think you've decided in favor of it.. so why go to the 'divorce game' and show your support for either team?