Aph,
Wanted to ditto your comment. I won't copy and paste it, but I'm sure you know what I'm referring to.

Hope you stay.

SWW,

Have you purchased Surviving An Affair? The two of you have alot of work ahead of you, but if you are both committed to Recovery and it's what you truly want, you can overcome this through the resources here at this site.

Remember that this will not change overnight. It takes an average of 2 YEARS to Recover according to those on there that have been in Recovery for some amount of time.

Glad to hear your update. Get your Harley counseling as soon as possible.

SWW...How are you doing?

HTM

Just wanted to tell you that there is no way you are getting the truth and I am sure you know it.

Didn't you find a text message where she said she was sore all the way from her crotch to her belly button? How does that jive with her story? It sounds like there must have been a lot more to it than that unless by that she means that he is very "Gifted" physically. I can't tell from your text message that you posted either way something does not sound right.

If you want to accept the story and blame that is ok and up to you but understand you are not getting the truth. My wife lied like heck even though I had video proof.

Your wife had been doing a lot for a long time and if you just accept what she says I am afriad you are heading for a long life of lying and using you. I am sorry if this is not the positive upbeat message but I just wanted to make sure you get both sides.

I can understand people wanting to stay married but not at any cost. Just understand that she will never just tell you the whole truth and it sounds like her WW behavior has been going on for a long time. But whatever happens I wish you the best.

I agree. Sounds more like she's taken some time to come up with a pretty good story to match what she thinks you know about her adulterous behaviour.

Aphelion,

IHadEnough,

yeah i know, and marriage at any cost is not good enough. I talked to her yesterday and then sent her a lengthy email. I am a better writer than speaker about emotional issues and wanted to keep my thoughts and arguments straight. Here's my email:

WW,

As I said last night I am done. You lied to me, living a double life and having sex with another man for too long. I begged you to tell me the whole truth and maybe we could have gotten past all this. I understand why you wouldn’t want to talk; you did a horrible thing. I just honestly don’t know what’s going on inside you anymore.

This kind of stuff has happened before and it just gets worse every time. Super Bowl you abandoned us at the last minute to go to Tampa and sleep with a bunch of people in a condo. That was a short WW freak out.

This time is way different. It ended up with you screwing another guy many times.

You had what sounds like a schoolgirl crush. You had been flirting with and chasing OM for a long time. He was funny, charming and it was a fun secret sneaking back to his place. You thought it could stay secret forever and you could keep me off balance as long as possible while you did your thing. No wonder he has condoms all over the place.

So when you’re caught you give me some half-baked story it only happened twice, you didn’t even undress, and it wasn’t good. I can read, and that isn’t true. Looking at everything its clear Friend didn’t send that text about some Sea Doo incident. That was from you to him, and the message was, “strong effort dude. Let’s go again.” That isn’t what you say to a guy who climbed on you for 10 mins. and you freak out and leave.

Now you tell me that while you’re sorry, I need to sort out my emotions and you aren’t ready to commit to anything yet, despite the disgusting and horrible things you did. I just need to sit and wait for you to think about it out even though you are the one having sex outside marriage. Well forget it.

I am exhausted with all your deception and sex with other people. You can decide what to tell our kids, your family and our friends but they will all know sooner or later. You will probably opt for the he was horrible routine and drove me to it. Your family might buy it, our friends and kids won’t though. You and you alone can live with the fact that because you thoughtlessly gave away the one thing the two of us had alone together by scr*wing him you wrecked our marriage.

Some of your old friends in town have begged me not to give up, that you desperately need me now, and that your behavior is a cry for help. But I really don’t see how scr*wing other men and then trying to cover it up is a cry for help.

If you had been honest I probably would have would have forgiven you. It’s sad too as now it seems we are turning the corner and the stress is coming off. I have always loved you so much. Yes, I should have nurtured you more, but it didn’t merit this. I would have understood it for what it was; a mid-life, stress induced, freak out detachment from reality affair. I could have swallowed my pride and taken you back and cared for you. Would it have hurt, hell yes! But you’ve treated me with such disrespect and contempt I think it’s too late for that now.

We have a lot of work to do, so let’s try to be civil for the kid’s sake.

cont.

of course i heard nothing since the talk and email, she is silent. She is still in the fog of lies and love.

Hi SWW,

I just read your entire thread and sorry to say that I think she's lying to you now as well.

Don't discount the possibility of drugs, either, as a person does not have to act in a particular manner. I have a lot of experience with addicted daughters and could not tell when they were using or not.

Just remember the facts of how much money she blew, and the condition of the house, as well as no food in the fridge. Sorry, but these facts are more in line with a drug abuser than a person having an affair. Please beware of leaving your kids with her, as although she may not be a drug addict and may not even be using drugs at the moment, drug use can and does bring unsavory people into your life, and they know where she lives.

I hope I'm wrong about all this, but be careful. Protect your children first and foremost. You're the only stable person in their lives right now.

ManInMotion,

Here is what she replied to my email of last night. Tell me your thoughts.

I really don't know how to respond to this. I just got it. You are still the one or I wouldn't have stuck with this through the last few years. I have hurt you beyond what I can imagine and I am sick about it and have no idea how to make it better. I have no idea how to deal with it either. I did not sleep at all last night. Not one minute.

I replied:

what i said is true though, and you have not been honest with me, it was really involved. That is the sticking point. I really don't want to abandon you, but in your current frame of mind it might be the best thing for you. I will not abandon you and the kids financially. get your account set up. you are still in the fog of your affair, may be you can be woken up. sorry you didn't sleep, i slept well for the first time in a long time.

She replied:

I am desperate! I need to fix things and I want to know how. I am going to seek out Kim (good friend, slightly older and solid Christain girl) today. I think she's the only one I can talk to about this and she always seems to have a level, unbiased opinion.

SWW Again: I also just spoke to the Chaplain in my office behind closed doors. He told me if I was going to take this on I was a real champ, but warned it won't be easy. Unless she agrees to make some radical life changes like never going out without you again, no contact with OM, and starts to behave like a responsible parent it won't work. He told me to pray for her but to turn this over for my own sanity. Start jogging again too.

SWW,

What is your plan?

MB teaches two of them that can help you.

Let us know if you want our help working one of them.

Marshmallow

My plan right now is to breathe, breathe. Yes, please HELP!!!

I had absolutely decided to call the D atty today. Now I am going to breathe. I have 2 good friends who went thru this and they are talking to me, or listening rather. It is a funny thing, all I ever wanted was for her to come clean and I thought I would be better. Now that she has basically (not completely) admitted that I was right, it was going on since last fall and I wasn't crazy I am madder than ever! I was in town to see her and she was sneaking off to his place while I was at home taking care of the children! Her children!

My friend told me to breathe, don't call the D atty today, there is no rush. But no serious conversations with WW for a day or 2.

I don't know where to go from here. I called books a million and have Surviving an A on hold for me this afternoon for pickup, but I am more confused now than ever. The intimate parts of my wife's body that I used to love are now filthy thoughts to me. I dont think I can ever trust her again and I don't see how I could ever be intimate with her knowing those parts were in use many many times in all different kind of ways with the biggest jerk on the planet.

Breathe....

SWW,

Breathing is a good idea!

Super sad to say that this site is filled with people that have walked a version of what you are talking about. There is a way to Recover from it, whichever route you choose to take.

Read the book and keep us posted on how you are feeling.

How long are you back out of town again?

SWW,

got it. you can delete it now.

you should have mail too.

That's right.

Don't make any big decisions for at least 6 months.

It's natural to question whether or not you can emotionally get past this. If you can ever forgive her. Ever trust her again. Ect... All natural and very NORMAL. So give yourself a break there. K?

I'm going to advise you as though you do want to recover your M. At any point in time you can change your mind and file for D.

Now...has you WW established NC yet?

You can do it. Your friend is right. Take a couple of days. Imagine yourself having survived a trauma...a huge firefight. You are no less in PTSD than anyone else. Don't make decisions for a few days. Accept that you are going to be a well of emotions that trigger with anything and turn on a dime.

When I found out, I went into a depression...couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, even thought about suicide...it was overwhelming. At the same time, I felt like I finally understood the last year. The lies made sense and I hadn't been crazy.

If you write, journal your emotions. Talk with your friends who have been there. Bolster yourself for the worst as you prepare to fight for your marriage. If your wife can come clean and follow the MB principles, you CAN recover. Many people here have done it. I am only a few months down the road, but I can see the hope for my M that I would never have imagined before.

Your WW has to agree to change completely. Her behaviors have allowed an A. Read about Plan A and work it. Follow the program. It works.

Marshmallow

Probably not on the NC. We are meeting in NC this weekend to take my daughter to camp. I can't think straight. I don't want to see her or talk to her. I haven't thought thru the steps since this morning's non-denial that it was going on for maybe a year. I told her when she admitted to the "small affair" about NC and she said OK. But we were still talking and more was coming out. I know it has to happen but I just don't think I can do it today.

I think if I start laying out the groundrules I am telling her that I am forgiving her as long as she follows this plan. I am not ready to giver her a plan.

Well, I guess I could tell her to send him an email first today (I know his email address so i'll know if it's fake i guess) and cc me on it telling him that her H knows all about it and that what they have doen has devastated her marriage and her family, that she should never have done it and can never ever see him again?

No, I'm not talking about giving HER a plan, SWW.

I'm talking about giving YOU one.

I understand that you aren't ready to forgive, but you can give her steps for the plan and watch her actions to know if she is doing it. You don't have to forgive yet. She doesn't deserve it yet (imo) because she hasn't shown you a commitment to recovering the M.

NC needs to be a hand-written letter that she writes and then you read and you send in the mail. I think it is important that she write it by hand because it is an ownership of the words. Your suggestion is good. I would include that she requests that he NEVER contact her again and that she will never contact him again. Also that she is committed to you and to your M.

Believe me on the hand-written letter. I fought it for awhile thinking that it wasn't that important. It made a HUGE difference emotionally to see it written by my H and to send it myself.

On! You. Go. On.

Maybe more than one jerk, if the evidence you already have stands up. But, however it may be, this eventually passes. It may take years, but it will eventually be less and less traumatic for you.

The labyrinth of lies becomes the bigger thing to deal with, for most people. You and she will need to start there when you are ready. Actually, when she is ready. She will still be hoping to wiggle out of this with minimal consequences – which means lie her way along.

Know you will never hear the whole truth about all of it. She may not know the whole truth about her adulteries. Things very important to you she has already forgotten. And you will eventually forget them too.

She has some boxes to check off fairly soon. Formal NC letter, for one.

For what it’s worth, the only good advice for you right now is to not immediately file for divorce (unless you need to protect your children from OM, or drugs or neglect). Think about D all you want, but plan what you would like to have happen in your life for a week or three, and then start working towards it. D can be an exit ramp you take anytime she fails to hold up her end of your plan.

Think of your children and yourself first, for right now. That will give you some breathing room. And allow yourself to experience the anger. It’s natural. Don’t act on it, but let it rise up and dissipate.

With prayers,

Yes, to what HTM said.

Even if you end up not recovering your M, you should want OM out of your children's life.

End this A for THEIR sakes.