I sent a very vindictive email prior to the no contact letter to OW. I even suggested that if she had trouble coming clean with her H, I would be happy to share...

That was BEFORE NC. Now I follow NC the same way that H does. You don't want to stir the pot ever again. I kind of broke NC when I sent a letter to OWH telling him what I knew, but it took me awhile to get to a point where I was ready to tell him. I never heard from him and I don't intend to ever waste any more time on their family.

My H was reluctant. I had to insist that he do it. He later said that he knew the letter wasn't just for OW, that it was also for me. But he did it because I told him I needed it.

I have a clearance too and understand the AD issue. There are natural supplements you can take that will help - there are folks who swear by Omega-3's, St John's Wort, and so on.

Making sure you get enough exercise and sunshine will help too. You probably work in a windowless bunker somewhere - try to get outside and take a walk, or eat your lunch outside.

Sorry if I missed it, but is it impossible to move your family to DC? How long is your rotation there?

bitbucket

I am thinking I need to insist they move here if I don't get something at home. No i'm not in a windowless bunker thankfully, we have those wonderful little noise machines on all the windows

I am going to take a killer run today!

hicktownmommy

How long did it take you to convince him to do it?

SWW,

Great idea for them to move where you are!!

Working out is good. Helps a lot. I can feel the stress lowering. Sleep better too.

However, ADs do not negate your clearances. The powers that be just need to be told.

with prayers,

Up to you, actually. You will get conflicting advice about that here.

I confronted wife’s 10-year OM in person. Interesting story actually. That is what ran him off in the end. Worked out well. I also contacted OM’s wife in person and we worked NC verification together for three years.

If you can stay in control when in front of him and hear his excuses and justifications without losing it, I recommend it. Have a witness nearby though.

With prayers,

I agree with Aphelion. I confronted and said what I needed to say before/during the NC letter process.

HOWEVER, once NC was established by my DH, that included me as well. Otherwise, I was stirring the pot and that was not healthy.

Honestly, I decided that it was necessary and I just told H that we needed to get it done. He complained that he would work on it. I said, "Let's just do it right now and get it over with." He squirmed. I said, "It won't take long and then we'll be done with it and can move forward. Here's a piece of paper, a pencil and some ideas." He asked me to write it. I told him he had to write it. So he did. I left him alone in the bedroom to do it. It was non-negotiable. I was nice about it, but he realized that he had to do it, or we were not moving forward.

I think it took longer to convince ME that it was important than him. He didn't care how it affected OW...but he knew how it affected ME. That was his motivation.

I can also confirm AD's issued as result of emotional or traumatic event are not considered meds required to function day to day (It's not permanent).

When I completed my 5 year periodic input, I listed the meds and time frame (3 months). The periodic was evaluted without issue or questions. It can effect specific read-in reliablity programs, but no differently than any other percribed meds.

At a minimum talk to the Doc about your options if the clearance issue is your only concern.

-JKT

Justkeeptrying,

thanks, i will think about it if i feel i can't cope. read ins are a problem, i am gonna start with the gym. thank you.

SWW,

Here's a few clips from Dr. Harley right here on the site. Hopefully you will have your book soon and can see more detailed information.







The NC letter is a must! And then continued confirming of NC is important as well. Note that even Dr. Harley mentions moving to another state to avoid contact.

Well, I bought the book surviving an A last night. I think me and WW are Jon and Sue.

I have a question about plan A/B. WW seems to be talking about wanting to fix things and that's great. I don't want to seem like I am harping on the A, but I have a difficult time making pleasant small talk. Is this normal? Should I be pleasant while we are making plans? I seem to want her to talk about the A, not about meeting at camp for DD.

I know I need to avoid LB's but it is hard. Her being pleasant and nice I am interpreting as it's over, it wasnt that big a deal, let's move on and talk about other stuff.

She is going to see her friend today kim who she couldn't see yesterday due to a late flight arrival and who is a BS herself. WW is supposed to call me afterwards where I will tell her about NC letter.

Yes. Very.


Asking questions about the A is not LBing.

Ask.


Good. Let us know what she says.

thanks m,

yeah i was feeling bad when this morning she was making small talk and i told her finally look have you talked to kim? I think you need to do that soon, like real soon, and then call me and let's make our plans for the 4th of july weekend to talk. she said ok. I was pretty curt and felt like i should email or call and apologize for that, but thought the better of it and didn't.

I feel like she needs to be pushed, even if it means i have to be short with her.

Understanding needs to become your WW's middle name.

How'd that run go for you yesterday? What do you have planned for today?

Also, you need to tell OMGF about the A.

Although, I like the idea of going w/ your WW while SHE tells her "friend" about it....face to face.

Either way, YOU need to be a part of it to ensure it actually gets done.

SWW,

You are in the VERY BEGINNING of recovery. You have a right to ask about the A. You will probably want to ask questions about it for awhile. You are putting together pieces of a puzzle...figuring out what you missed...it takes time. I am 4 months from dday and I am still asking occasional questions about the details of the A.

I think the trick is that you ask questions without love busters...no angry outbursts, no disrespectful judgments...it won't be pleasant for your WW, but it is necessary. Your WW needs to be ready to talk whenever you need to. My F-WH called me all the time during the day and sometimes I needed to talk for awhile, other times I was ok with small talk. It came in waves and he had to be ready to ride them.

The other thing is that you balance those talks with 15+ hours of time meeting each others ENs...spending time together having fun and NOT talking about the A. That way you can work on rebuilding your love for one another. Some people here suggest that you set aside an hour a week of time to "work" on A issues. I think it may be too soon to do that in your case, but eventually you might think about that. Right now, you have a lot of catching up to do to understand the whole picture of the life that your WW was leading. Asking questions and talking is how you will get this done.

Someone posting a great thread to me in the beginning about why we must talk about it. I'll look for it and post it here.

HTM

hicktownmommy et al.

Whew what a night last night. We talked like we were back in college for 1.5 hours, no strain, no uncomfortable silences...all because I was able for a little while to dissociate my brain from the A. Towards the end I hated to ruin such a good love bank session, but I felt I had to still strike while the iron was hot. I told her that next week I needed her to give me the truthful details about what happened so I could heal. She said she still doesn't really understand but that she would think about it. She agreed to the NC letter. I told her I would explain it in the morning by email and then we could talk later, here is what i sent her:

WW, I cannot tell you how important it is to me to know the truth and that you are telling me the whole truth. At first you said it didn't happen, that I was jealous and crazy, then it was only twice and fast and since I was accusing you of it anyway why not do it, you said both times made you feel horrible and you hurried out.

Now you know I know that a lot more was going on so you say another thing, it was just sex fun with a nice guy but you can't remember much. What I am supposed to do here? If you can't tell me exactly when and where it began and the details of how often you were with him, how long it lasted, when did it break off, who broke it off etc. I don't see how you can ever expect me to heal or trust that after another fight, or some reason that I make you angry or depressed you won't go right back over there. Of course you remember exactly when and where the first time was, and the answers to all those other questions. But if you can't share this with me to make the whole thing "ours" then it is still a secret between you and him.

I need to know was it ever in our home? Where besides his appt? Who else knew? Did you share intimate details about us? Did you go out with just him to dinner or drinks or was it just sex?

It is far better for me to know the whole truth so I don't imagine the worst, it is eating me alive inside. And what I am imagining is pretty graphic and probably far worse than what really happened.

It won't be easy for either of us, for you to say or me to hear, but if I don't hear all the details I can't reconcile. If I don't know that you have sat down with me, or let me give you a list of questions to answer and you answer them fully and truthfully, I can never heal.

I am a stronger person than you think. It will hurt, but I love you too much to let just this break us up. If you are deceptive again though it will be much worse than simply coming out with it all. The worst is pretty much out there already, this is just the details. Once this has been done maybe we can move on to the second half of our lives which I hope can be a much more caring, communicating (more listening on my part) and loving one. I love talking to you now, and I remember now how funny you are. But I can't get there until I know you have spent some time telling me everything and then letting me digest it.

Please let me know you can do this. I need it. You are my best friend.

cont.

WW told me that she had given up on me, excuses still I know, but she has valid points, just not good enough for an A.

She is right, when my father pulled all of his money out of our business and I had to move to DC she was abandoned, was it necessary, yes, but I can understand how she feels. We quit communicating because I just couldn't stand to hear what I interpreted as complaiining about something over which I had no control.

I have told you all about WW's sexualy history. She did this 20 years ago when we broke up, she went on a tear, says she sees nothing wrong with having SF with someone if they are nice and she likes them and she is not in an exclusive realtionship, which due to our circumstances she felt we were no longer in one. She says she now is wracked with guilt because she sees that that was not the case, but she can't fix it now.

She tells me that this was not an EA, although yes, he is nice, but that she basically wanted something new for awhile. I was not meeting her needs and for awhile he was. She says it was about the SF and a fun companion and that's it. Judging from what I have told you all, her SF with "friends" 1 time or so because they were nice and she liked them, I can believe it.

I just wonder which is worse and EA/PA or SF with domeone because she felt we were broken up and it was just about having a fling?